Faith's Progress

[Laurie]

Laurie, you'd better keep your appointment!  There's no "Do as I say, not as I do" around here.

We'll see... More than likely I will because I have to be up there for a voice lesson before it anyway. I'm still not happy with him.

[Jayne01]

I'm glad your first therapy session went so well. Well done for dressing as you pleased and being comfortable doing so. I am 2 1/2 years into my therapy and still present as male 100% of the time. Hopefully that will soon change.

You have been doing so well up to this point without any therapy. I don't think you have anything to worry about. Therapy will help you fine tune any outstanding issues. It's awesome that your wife is also participating.

Jayne

[Katie Ellen]

I'm happy for you. I'm going to my 3rd session tomorrow. I go by myself and in male clothes.  Might gradually integrate female articles at first. We'll see.

[Faith]

We had a bit of rockiness last night. My wife got to thinking about some of my comments in session, trigger words and phrases. She thought she had to 100% change everything she says and does and second guess everything - which is not what was intended.

Yes, certain ways of saying things bother me, it's not the end of the world. I think I made it clear that she has to be comfortable as well and doesn't have to change something that is important for her. Sometimes a simple turn of phrase has a personal meaning which makes it not so simple and very important.

Having her with me is the most important, having her accept me is most important (can you have 2 most important things?) anything else is secondary and can be worked out.
What's the little phrase? ...

Accept the things that I cannot change;
Change the things that I can;
Wisdom to know the difference.

The family and friends topic came up. We boiled down whose opinions mattered. Well, most already know so that's done. One son-in-law may decide to make an issue, or we're just thinking the worst and it'll be fine. The rest can just deal with it. There's one friend (and his wife) that would matter to me. I have no idea how they'll take it. They are probably the only ones that I am really afraid to open up to ... in time, not now.

Anyways, That's a simple update. I am not feeling down, I don't feel bad at all.

[Jayne01]

We had a bit of rockiness last night. My wife got to thinking about some of my comments in session, trigger words and phrases. She thought she had to 100% change everything she says and does and second guess everything - which is not what was intended.

Yes, certain ways of saying things bother me, it's not the end of the world. I think I made it clear that she has to be comfortable as well and doesn't have to change something that is important for her. Sometimes a simple turn of phrase has a personal meaning which makes it not so simple and very important.

Faith, you and I are similar in so many ways. My wife has tried changing how she uses pronouns. She doesn't use female pronouns with me just neutral. I didn't ask her to do that, she just did it on her own. The other day she told me that when I use certain pet girly names with her it breaks her heart because she can't use the pet male names she used to use with me. I need to clear that up with her. She can use any name or pronoun she likes with me. She gets a special pass that allows her to do that and nothing she calls me would ever bother me. You are right that your wife has to be comfortable as well. You are in this together. From everything you have ever said here, you are doing whatever you can for yourself but also for your wife. That is how you will continue to stay together and happy.

Having her with me is the most important, having her accept me is most important (can you have 2 most important things?) anything else is secondary and can be worked out.

YES!!! That is exactly how I feel. Having 2 most important things sounds contradictory but that is how I feel. There were only ever 2 things that sent me into a major meltdown. One was the thought of losing my wife and the other was the thought that she couldn't accept me and I could never make the changes I need to find peace. Either one of those would send me into an unrecoverable dive followed by a very destructive crash.

Anything else, I could handle. So to answer your question, I believe you can have 2 most important things.

What's the little phrase? ...

Accept the things that I cannot change;
Change the things that I can;
Wisdom to know the difference.

That phrase sounds familiar. Who said that? They are wise words.

The family and friends topic came up. We boiled down whose opinions mattered. Well, most already know so that's done. One son-in-law may decide to make an issue, or we're just thinking the worst and it'll be fine. The rest can just deal with it. There's one friend (and his wife) that would matter to me. I have no idea how they'll take it. They are probably the only ones that I am really afraid to open up to ... in time, not now.

All in good time, whenever you and your wife are both ready. If the friend you're worried about is a good friend, there shouldn't be any major issues. You are such a cool person, how could they possibly have any problems.

I am very pleased that your journey is going well so far with only some minor bumps, which are to be expected.

Jayne

[KathyLauren]

That phrase sounds familiar. Who said that? They are wise words.

Being a nerd at heart and the daughter of a librarian, I had to look it up.  It was Reinhold Niebuhr who said it.  More: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serenity_Prayer

Faith, it sounds like things are going well.  The important thing is that you and your wife are talking.  As long as you continue talking, you'll be fine.

[Jayne01]

Thanks Kathy.

[Faith]

ahh, pet names. That's easy. She's always called me honey or sweetie. no change there. She rarely using my real name. Only when in a room full of people and she wants to get my attention.

I did say that if a name is used with the pet name, I prefer Faith. Faith Honey, Faith Sweetie. Not my 'insert male name+pet name' as it sounds all wrong. She totally agreed. She's never used my 'insert male name+pet name' and tried it .. nope, she didn't like it either. It may turn into an easy way for her to start referring to me as Faith at times. OK by me and she doesn't have to, nor do I need her to do so. Occasionally would be nice

I've never liked my real name, ever, with no reasoning why. I never felt that it fit. It makes sense now, did something in me always know?

[Jayne01]

I've never liked my real name, ever, with no reasoning why. I never felt that it fit. It makes sense now, did something in me always know?

I never really thought about it until you mentioned it now. I don't think I ever really liked my male name either. I didn't dislike it, but thinking back I used to always wish I was called something else other than John. I don't know why. I guess deep down I wanted to be someone else. So many things can now be explained that I previously had no explanation for. Interesting!

[KathyLauren]

I've never liked my real name, ever, with no reasoning why. I never felt that it fit.

It's probably time to stop calling it your "real" name.  It's your birth name or your male name, or maybe your legal name.  Your real name is Faith.

[Faith]

It's probably time to stop calling it your "real" name.  It's your birth name or your male name, or maybe your legal name.  Your real name is Faith.

point taken. I did start that way. I guess somewhere buried I'm still having resolution issues. There is no question that I much prefer Faith. It just settled in like wrapping up in a warm blanket on a cold morning. All warm and fuzzy.

I feel a bit self-conscious about it for some reason, like I'm trying to be someone else. Which I am, sort of, mostly I'm just trying to be myself.

[steph2.0]

ahh, pet names. That's easy. She's always called me honey or sweetie. no change there. She rarely using my real name. Only when in a room full of people and she wants to get my attention.

Interesting thing: Sue and I have never been "cutesy" or overly demonstrative, and we really don't have pet names for each other, though she does go by "Dragon Lady" because she's always loved dragons and enjoys pretending she's tough. Occasionally I'll refer to her as DL, but when speaking to each other we hadn't even used given names much. Yet lately to get my attention she's started using Steph. I hear it a lot around the house now, and yes...warm fuzzies!


- Stephanie

[Laurie]

Hi Faith,

   I know that phrase well having said it 4 -5 times a week for a number of years. Personally I cannot see why it would be triggering. It just goes to show that though we have a lot in common I am not in your head.  Perhaps it's a problem because you forgot the first line in it. "God, grant me the serenity" ... That is probably the most important part of that prayer. It acknowledges that you need help because you are unable to do it on your own.
  That was certainly true for me when it came to drinking. It was at court ordered AA meetings that I first heard it. I had to go or risk worse consequences. So I went. Then I kept going after I didn't have to in spite of my protestations that I was not an alcoholic. It took me 3 months to say that I was and accept (there that damn word again) that I was an alcoholic and that I belonged in those rooms and needed help. In doing so I gained a bit of that serenity the prayer requests. And remember in AA  "God", is a god of your choosing, no one else's. That prayer work for other problems besides drinking too.
  So my friend, my wish for you and your wife is that both of you find that serenity in your lives together.

Hugs,
  Laurie

P.S. I insisted that others use my birth name. I hated all derivatives of it. I left the dislike of the name for my Dad who didn't use it for him or me. He I allowed a nickname for me that no one else ever used. What was it? Butch Why I do not know.

[Faith]

Laurie, I don't find the prayer phrase triggering, I meant it in reference to unimportant mildly triggering phrases. Basically, don't force or make a big deal of something trivial, save it for important things.

I do remember it as a prayer. I am not religious. I don't believe nor disbelieve in God. If I refer to God, I feel hypocritical.  I can't use the phrase 'God grant me ..." when referring to myself. So I leave things out unless pertinent to the discussion. I do not tell people that I'll pray for them, I do tell them I'm thinking of them.

I do like most of the teachings, I dislike a lot of the interpretations. I dislike organized religions, I am all for church people based religious gatherings. Church is the people, after all. My wife is a believer and a Christian. We seem to have gotten along these past 37 years fairly well .. barring a few surprises. 

[Laurie]

I do remember it as a prayer. I am not religious. I don't believe nor disbelieve in God. If I refer to God, I feel hypocritical.  I can't use the phrase 'God grant me ..." when referring to myself. So I leave things out unless pertinent to the discussion. I do not tell people that I'll pray for them, I do tell them I'm thinking of them.

  My dear Faith, I share your views on religion. I have no problem with others having religious beliefs with a few exceptions. There are a couple I would like to shoot on sight. As far as a god goes I do not believe in a deity as such. My thoughts of a god would be more alone the lines of a life force that pervades all living things. That force that differentiates living from not living. Calling it god is a convenience and gave me something to call on when I admitted to myself I needed help that was beyond me. In my thoughts and in AA, as I said the word refers to a god of your choosing whatever that may be. It's whatever happens to work for you.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Faith]

Time for some more updates, I may ramble a bit.

Cleared out some more misgivings and concerns with my Wife, all good on the home front. In the 'old days' some of the discussion would have made me angry, sullen, and tight-lipped. Not anymore. I accepted her comments, mulled them around and responded the best that I could. Mostly with embarrassment and apologies (and tears). I was not a nice person many times over the years, I have no idea why she is still with me, I am so glad and lucky that she is!!

BONUS .. End of year work bonus, it will help over the hump of unplanned Dr and Therapist bills. And more Bonus .. I got my raise, not much but every little bit helps. We've had some hard times and it'll really help to pay down some of the huge bills hanging over us.

WORK .. Well, this was slightly unexpected.  I did not have any HR conversations planned. Well, she needed help with emailing some of the end-of-year items (computer challenged). I opened the door for comments. No problems at work. Some people have asked her "What's going on?" "What do I say/do?" etc. She, of course, could say nothing one way or the other, not knowing (and not supposed to). Nothing negative, all wondering and curious questions. I made it clear that they she can fill them in on what we spoke of and that they can acknowledge and/or ask questions. If they are comfortable enough to ask me, I'll do my best to answer. If it's too personal, I just won't answer it

So, while the word Transgender did not come up, everything about it did. It's pretty much ok and accepted. Just a bit of confusion while they figure out how to act around me .. I was like, how about acting normal? I am apparently on my way to being officially 'out' at work.  Relieved? I'm still a bit nervous and anxious .. in a good way though.

ps. I wore my long-sleeve pink and lavender plaid blouse, to match my pink nails. I am officially outfitted 100% feminine at work right now. WoooOOOoo

I feel like there is so much more to add. So much has happened over the past months since starting an account here. I owe so much to the people here extending advice and support giving me the courage to face myself and move forward.  Thank You ALL !!!!

[Laurie]

Hi Faith,

  I would have to say multiple congratulations are in order. The first and foremost is for the open conversations with your wife, Congratulations!. I hope she was in on your pink top and nails decision for work. That is a big one and congrats on it too. I am sure that bonus is nice to get and will as you say help out with various things for you. You should consider something special for that wife of yours too as she really is special.
  I think I'll throw in another small congrats just for good measure.

   CONGRATULATIONS FAITH !!!

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Faith]

... I hope she was in on your pink top and nails decision for work.

I did my nails last night. When I showed them to her, and she liked them, I made the comment about not sure about leaving it because of work. She said leave to leave them. The blouse was her idea since none of my 'work' shirts match.

I almost didn't wear it. I put on a normal dull 'work' shirt. I changed it just before leaving, no chance to change my mind again.

[Laurie]

Well, Good Job then Faith. I also saw your Happy post and it is a very good reason to be happy.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Faith]

horrendous internet, takes 15 mins to load a page. I'll be back when it gets fixed.  I'm not dropping off the face of the earth. I'm still floating on a multi-day high

I'll probably miss some posts so just in case:

WOW, you look great
Get your head out of there and straighten up, what's the matter with you?
I'm sooo glad for you.
I'm so sorry that happened.
Some people don't deserve feeling distressed over.
If that's how they are, they aren't friends anyways.
A good friend like that is hard to find, grab on tight .. but not too tight, their eyes might pop out.

pick one of the above