I told Jayne I'd go ahead and post an update.
Jayne, it'll be a lot of copy/paste of our emails ... with edits.
pasted from over the past few days:
From Jayne:QuoteHi Faith,
Haven't heard from you in a while, and I see your profile pic is gone. How are you? I hope you are well.
Have you made any more progress with getting a prescription for spiro? It seems like Laurie's visit went well. There were lots of smiling faces all round in the photos you posted. Let me know how you are.
Jayne
I suppose I should reply .. I'm not dead. I would go to Susan's and my ugly mug stared at me in every scroll, I removed the offending image.
I would scroll around reading things, seeing all the banter .. nope, not me. I don't fit. Making comments is like whispering in a crowd, I was talking to myself. I started by hiding my 'online' status. Not good enough since you can still see it on my profile, so I don't log in now.
I lurk in secret sometimes to catch up a little. Same thing, All kinds of interactions, but none for me. I'm on the outside looking in with the doors and windows locked.
People with attitude posting and they get responses, sorry, got attitude and you've lost me .. not interested.
People posting their progress .. 'oo, look at me' .. happy responses ... nothing for me.
People posting their problems .. 'oo, look at me' .. consolatory responses ... nothing for me.
I either feel bad because they feel so good or I feel bad because they feel bad and I can relate but nothing to add .. so, nothing for me.
I don't belong there.
Taking my daily estradiol with nothing to stop the testosterone ... it's like a drop pink dye in a bucket of water. Oo, look .. pink .. then it's gone.
Wheels are spinning and I'm going nowhere.
home life, on the other hand, is well. Lori and I are solidifying more and more. We avoid the negative people in our lives, they aren't worth the time. We get comments from other acquaintances/friends that we're missed. Meh, not worth the negatives mixed in the crowd.
Work is very good as far as experience goes. Those that may disapprove don't show it or can't (due to work policies). Those that are accepting are very nice and helpful. I get comments and complements and hello's from people that wouldn't give me time of day before. 100% fem at work, no dress yet. Someday maybe but my job isn't quite suitable for wearing a dress. If my body shape ever fills out, look out .. although I'll need to find a face mask.
so, overall, my life is ... work .. home .. sleep .. repeat.
**skip Jayne's reply, not for me to paste in**
I still can't tolerate mirrors for longer than it takes to do what needs done. A profile picture is like having a surprise mirror pop up as I scroll around and at the top of every page. I left it up until it became totally unbearable. I think that in itself led me away from the site for a bit. I am thinking of actually logging back in, I don't know. Maybe I have another PM sitting in there. I won't know without actually checking.
I know the E progression. I'm really not that impatient for results from it, I just want RESULTS
If patience is a virtue, I am currently virtue-less. Not really. Most of what I feel is not about E/Spiro and/or results thereof .. it's dysphoric. I still feel like a guy parading around pretending. That's in spite of feeling so much better being able to. It makes no sense at all .. except the hair .. ARRGGH .. I hate hair.
The best and worst thing lumped together is our wives willing to work through things with us. On one hand is staying with the one that you love and having that support, the other hand is treading oh-so-carefully to not overwhelm them with our inner beast.
>>snip not forum worthy comments<<Speaking of work ..
Yesterday I was walking down the hallway and coming the other way was a woman anchor that's been there 25+ years, very pleasant person, anyways .. always polite when our paths crossed. Smile and hi, that was the limit though. yesterday as she came up next to me, me ready with the smile and hi ... she reached out and grabbed my shoulder to stop me and said, "I've been meaning to tell you. I just loved that pink top with the grommets on the shoulders that you wore." WOOT .. big grin, yep, one of my favorite tops
And then today. I got up, picked out the top I wanted to wear and put it on. OOP, the jeans I wear with them is in the wash .. hmm, grab the slacks on the dresser ... hiphuggers. Away I go. I was at work before I realized that the top is a short-torso top .. over hiphuggers. I was showing midriff all day. Not exactly work appropriate and definitely out of my comfort zone.
**insert note: I did get one comment of "I'm jealous of your flat tummy" ... umm, OK?? 
**I can't fault anything at work for allowing me to be .. me.
**skip Jayne's reply, not for me to paste in**
"The lady in the mirror" (should be a book or movie title) ... I've seen her. That side glance, peripheral vision, etc. Makes it all the harder when you look and see she's not there. Emotion Explosion. My single biggest dysphoria is my looks. I can handle 'male' attributes (physical) to a point (hide them), I don't have any problem with 'male' traits. To me what you like and like to do is not male or female except in how you perceive yourself. "I am a man who likes to ... " "I am a woman who likes to ...)
HAIR. I'm lucky in that regard. My hair is thick, straight (slightly wavy) and holds shape. If I comb it a certain way when wet, leave it alone to dry, it's set for the day that way. Slightly thinning center-front. Hopefully E will slow or stop that. I don't think I'd like unmanageable curly hair. I'm lazy and that sounds like too much work
Lori is still struggling with 'her man' disappearing. I try to ease it by removing all makeup as soon as I get home. I also dress more androgynously ... although, for some reason, clothes don't bother her. Dresses do, but not at home. She likes me in the dresses that I wear around the house, out to public ... nope. I think that's due to perception. In public it would mean two women together and not a man & a woman. Maybe in time and since I'm not comfortable in public that's an easy compromise.
**Laurie, I'm leaving this comment in for you. I almost edited it out** I wore a dress 2nd day that Laurie was visiting, she made no comment at all. I wish she had said something .. anything ... good or bad just for a peer review. I didn't wear it to make a point, I just felt like wearing it.
If I was simply a cross-dresser there wouldn't be any marital stress at all.
That sums up most of it. and I'm tempted to erase it all. I hope I edited out what needed to be and left nothing offending in there. I'm sure some Laurie person will moderate it for me ... since she's stuck reading the whole thing ...
