Faith's Progress

[Faith]

long weekend. I spent all day Sat mowing with a dinky little push mower. Ground so wet that I had to skip a lot due to deep puddles, not to mention (but I will) I had to pull the mower, not push it. If I tried to push it would just sink in and stall out. Where's my magically appearing brand new rider? I did take frequent breaks, lots of water, and lots of salt - copiously sprinkled on some good-eatin' apples. Overall I felt pretty good that evening so I did something right.

Sunday I spent being lazy. Lori was home and we had the grand-baby. I wouldn't have minded getting out of the house but my legs hurt soooo badly. Oh, I didn't mention @gothique11 jinxed me with the leg cramps topic. Fri night I woke up practically screaming from a cramp in my right calf. The left was right behind in trying but didn't actually go into full cramp mode.  I am still limping today despite lots of stretches.

I had two bouts of body triggers this weekend, I distracted myself quickly before it took hold. My mirror still screams -=DUDE=- ... I hate mirrors ... Maybe if I comb my hair from back to front covering my face. Then no one would have to be subjected to it. Being blind from massive hair covering my eyes would solve that mirror problem as well.

And, here I am back at work. Over-tired, again, and wanting to be home (so I can be lazy again). I'd be lazy at work but it makes the day drag out too long. I only half did my face, everything was arguing with me. My hair is a disaster and uneven.

is it over?

[Faith]

minor progress update(s).

Lori showed me yesterday that she changed my contact name to Faith. cool

During our 'walk' I mentioned my bouts of dysphoria. She said, "You are a guy" meaning my body shape. She followed it up with, "But you're a girl to me and I'm OK with that".

mixed feelings on that one, certainly not a dysphoric ending comment.

[Jayne01]

minor progress update(s).

Lori showed me yesterday that she changed my contact name to Faith. cool

During our 'walk' I mentioned my bouts of dysphoria. She said, "You are a guy" meaning my body shape. She followed it up with, "But you're a girl to me and I'm OK with that".

mixed feelings on that one, certainly not a dysphoric ending comment.

Hay Faith. That is great! Lori is so accepting of you. You are still in the early stages of HRT. You are currently in an androgynous stage where you could pass either male or female, depending how you choose to dress.  Lori's kind has already passed beyond that stage and sees you as a girl. You can't get much better acceptance than that.

I hope your dysphoric periods are becoming less frequent and less severe.

Hugs,
Jayne

[LizK]

Hi Lori

Your fighting with the push mower reminded me of the times I spend struggling with them. Mowing the lawns just about always triggers my dysphoria...I relate it to my previous role in life and no matter how hard I try to disavow myself from the association I always fail.


That was a really supportive thing for Lori to say and shows how much she is in your court. The thing about my body shape that usually annoys me, is the silhouette, as it is typically male. This is  quite often the first thing that alerts us to someone's gender. One of my HRT Dr's was especially hot on this topic and keen to see her MTF lose weight and change their silhouette to a more feminie one as she felt it was very important in trying to help us achieve our body feminisation goals. We may never get that hourglass look but there is plenty we can do to move our silhouette from male to female.... The other thing that will help of course, is time on HRT...my understanding is that the body changes slowly and does not move fat around but distributes it in a different pattern than it used too, so you have to lose the weight first from the places you don't want it, before it can go back on in the places you do want it.


Take care


Liz

[Faith]

Hey Ya'll, it's been a few days.  I see lots up 'up' moments, Steph, Jayne, Laurie, any others. Too many to list but you're in my head. Congrats, you deserve them. I wish I had more up moments. What I mean by that is serious, womanly up, moments. I feel like I'm stuck in one place. Most of the time I still feel like I am in a disguise rather than removing one, even though it feels right. Don't get me wrong, my mood is mostly good right now. Just not bouncy / bubbly.

Liz, referring to silhouette, I don't know about a facial silhouette, I suppose I should take a profile (side view, not forum) and make it a silhouette just to see. I do know that my body shadow is always feminine looking now. Too bad it's not reflected in the mirror.

Not much going on for me. I did have a couple smile moments. Lori and I went out to eat, I was dressed simple with no make-up, and she was ordering for me. She said, "Blah for him" I don't remember what. I don't get worked up or enforce pronouns for Lori. She will when she's ready or she won't, doesn't matter to me .. but I digress .. The waitress replied with, "Blah for her, got it". Smile moment.

Second moment was at work, totally unexpected. A guy I work with was talking to me and said my name a couple times. He stopped and looked at me and asked, "Is there a different name I should use? Calling you -=name=- just seems weird".  I guess to him I don't fit  -=name=- any more. Smile moment.

Well, that sums it up. I wasn't even going to post it. Compared to other peoples experiences on here, mine aren't worth reading. But there you go.

[KathyLauren]

Not much going on for me. I did have a couple smile moments. Lori and I went out to eat, I was dressed simple with no make-up, and she was ordering for me. She said, "Blah for him" I don't remember what. I don't get worked up or enforce pronouns for Lori. She will when she's ready or she won't, doesn't matter to me .. but I digress .. The waitress replied with, "Blah for her, got it". Smile moment.

Second moment was at work, totally unexpected. A guy I work with was talking to me and said my name a couple times. He stopped and looked at me and asked, "Is there a different name I should use? Calling you -=name=- just seems weird".  I guess to him I don't fit  -=name=- any more. Smile moment.

Well, that sums it up. I wasn't even going to post it. Compared to other peoples experiences on here, mine aren't worth reading. But there you go.

Faith, hun, we celebrate all successes, big or small.  The waitress and the guy at work are both victories.  Thank you for posting about them.

[steph2.0]

Hey Ya'll, it's been a few days.  I see lots up 'up' moments, Steph, Jayne, Laurie, any others. Too many to list but you're in my head. Congrats, you deserve them. I wish I had more up moments. What I mean by that is serious, womanly up, moments. I feel like I'm stuck in one place. Most of the time I still feel like I am in a disguise rather than removing one, even though it feels right. Don't get me wrong, my mood is mostly good right now. Just not bouncy / bubbly.

Liz, referring to silhouette, I don't know about a facial silhouette, I suppose I should take a profile (side view, not forum) and make it a silhouette just to see. I do know that my body shadow is always feminine looking now. Too bad it's not reflected in the mirror.

Not much going on for me. I did have a couple smile moments. Lori and I went out to eat, I was dressed simple with no make-up, and she was ordering for me. She said, "Blah for him" I don't remember what. I don't get worked up or enforce pronouns for Lori. She will when she's ready or she won't, doesn't matter to me .. but I digress .. The waitress replied with, "Blah for her, got it". Smile moment.

Second moment was at work, totally unexpected. A guy I work with was talking to me and said my name a couple times. He stopped and looked at me and asked, "Is there a different name I should use? Calling you -=name=- just seems weird".  I guess to him I don't fit  -=name=- any more. Smile moment.

Well, that sums it up. I wasn't even going to post it. Compared to other peoples experiences on here, mine aren't worth reading. But there you go.

Well I love hearing about those moments! Keep them coming. The waitress correcting your wife! That's gold! And your coworker is so cool. Did you let him start calling you your real name?

As for Blah, I usually avoid it except for restaurants that specialize in it. Otherwise you might get Blegh.


Stephanie

[Susan Baum]

Hi, Faith,
I was, and to a small extent still am, my own worst enemy. In my mind and for all I did, changes seemed to be happening at a snail's pace or maybe even slower. They were not of course, but that was what I saw and felt as I kept seeing "him" looking back from the mirror. Since some of my daily routine was spent in front of the looking glass (ever tried doing make up without one?) I lacked the perspective of seeing myself as others saw me. Like a petulant child, I knew what I wanted and I wanted it all NOW.

Bask in your smile moments and trust Lori; that waitress and coworker see something you have not yet perceived. Go with it girl, it is really happening.

By the way, what did you say to the coworker?

Hugs
Susan

[Faith]

yeah yeah, I know, you all keep saying you want to hear from me. When I type my stuff out it seems so trivial and inconsequential when compared to what others have going on.

As for the coworker, I just told him to use my last name like everyone else. I suppose that would be a bit odd in direct conversation though. I've been pondering a nickname.

There is no question that I relate to Faith as a primary name, it just resonates with me. However, it sounds odd to my ears as a direct address. Since I like Nicole as my middle name, Hence Faith Nicole, I was considering having coworkers call me Nikki.  It seems to roll out better as a casual address. Any thoughts? Opinions?

[Laurie]

Not much going on for me. I did have a couple smile moments. Lori and I went out to eat, I was dressed simple with no make-up, and she was ordering for me. She said, "Blah for him" I don't remember what. I don't get worked up or enforce pronouns for Lori. She will when she's ready or she won't, doesn't matter to me .. but I digress .. The waitress replied with, "Blah for her, got it". Smile moment.

Second moment was at work, totally unexpected. A guy I work with was talking to me and said my name a couple times. He stopped and looked at me and asked, "Is there a different name I should use? Calling you -=name=- just seems weird".  I guess to him I don't fit  -=name=- any more. Smile moment.

Well, that sums it up. I wasn't even going to post it. Compared to other peoples experiences on here, mine aren't worth reading. But there you go.

Hi Faith,

        ((((( SLAP!)))))

  You deserved that Faith. Not go clean off the fridge and get yourself on up there. Lori can give you food IF she wants.

  "smile moments" are important moments for ALL of us. You relate them not just because they made you feel better but you do it for us too. By telling us you let the newer folk know that such times happen and they can happen for them too. That is calling giving "Hope" to someone else that they too can have it happen. You report it to us so that we can share your happiness with you. And it also shows that you are making progress in other's eyes. The comment by your coworker shows that part in clear detail. Faith you are getting "Male Fail" and I remember when you believed that would not ever happen. It does happen Hun and it is beginning to happen for YOU! YAY!!!!  So Faith go do as you were told and if Lori thinks you derserve it she can let you come down before bedtime.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Laurie]

Hey Ya'll, it's been a few days.  I see lots up 'up' moments, Steph, Jayne, Laurie, any others. Too many to list but you're in my head. Congrats, you deserve them. I wish I had more up moments. What I mean by that is serious, womanly up, moments. I feel like I'm stuck in one place. Most of the time I still feel like I am in a disguise rather than removing one, even though it feels right. Don't get me wrong, my mood is mostly good right now. Just not bouncy / bubbly.

yeah yeah, I know, you all keep saying you want to hear from me. When I type my stuff out it seems so trivial and inconsequential when compared to what others have going on.

As for the coworker, I just told him to use my last name like everyone else. I suppose that would be a bit odd in direct conversation though. I've been pondering a nickname.

There is no question that I relate to Faith as a primary name, it just resonates with me. However, it sounds odd to my ears as a direct address. Since I like Nicole as my middle name, Hence Faith Nicole, I was considering having coworkers call me Nikki.  It seems to roll out better as a casual address. Any thoughts? Opinions?

  Okay Faith,

  On a different note and frame of mind.  That feeling of being stuck Faith is a common phase we all go through. You should remember that I expressed such thoughts myself not long before my depression set in. I probably mentioned it a few time during and after also. Sometimes there really isn't anything we can do about it so the feeling persists. But there really only seems to be one thing that we can do about it (when we can) is to get off our butts and do SOMETING. What got me moving was Michelle wanting me to get a passport. I was afraid to pursue it because of complications it could cause me. It also meant that I had to see about changing my name and gender as I was NOT going to get a passport as that grouchy old guy MeanRotten. So I did get off my butt and started the process I had to go through in order to get my passport. (I could always blame Michelle if those complications surfaced) As you know now I have changed my name and gender and have changed it on the important documents. I have a passport now..
  I have not stopped there but have gone on to open another door that will present me with other possibilities and decisions that I do not know if I am ready to make yet but that door is now open.
  That Faith is how you dispel that stuck feeling. Find a reason to get off your butt and make something happen.

  Kathy is right we celebrate all achievements, none are trivial. Stephanie is also right. We like to read about these things. How can we enjoy them with you if they are note related to us? and Yes, some things seem more of a noteworthy event but Faith they are all good and are made even better when shared.
  And the last thing. Your answer to your coworker IMHO should have been "If you would, I would like you calling me Faith." (or Nikki it is your choice) I like Faith myself because Faith is the lady I met.

  I will join others in thanking you for making the posts that you do so that we may share them with you.

  Thank you, Faith,

Hugs to you and Lori,
    Laurie

[LizK]

Liz, referring to silhouette, I don't know about a facial silhouette, I suppose I should take a profile (side view, not forum) and make it a silhouette just to see. I do know that my body shadow is always feminine looking now. Too bad it's not reflected in the mirror.

Faith I was talking about body silhouette, its one of the ways we recognise gender. It is not something we consciously even think about but it is part of how we unconsciously recognise which gender someone is. It is also about your body shape...if you have a body shape that is distorted by being overweight/underweight it can lead to you potentially ending up being "outed". Sounds like from what you have said that you have the right shape going for you and it is not something you need to even worry about. Your latest adventures just confirm that.


Take care

Liz

[Donna]

Laurie I think that wasn't a big enough slap.
Faith we are all behind you and we all have at one time or another felt what you are feeling. Don't ever think what you are posting is trivial. Those are your words and thoughts and they are important and valid to you. None of us will ever judge your journey, only support you as we can. Goods and bads we all have them, yesterday I was thinking all the dark stuff again and it made me not like myself. Today I'm feeling much better after getting it out of my system with a long conversation.
You are the only one you need to make happy and I found early on that there are no rules to how we look, when we pass or how we are perceived. You go with what feels right and everything else will fall into place when it's ready. You can't live this new life to make anyone else happy. You can't give up your happiness to  make someone else happy.
I'm sure we have all experiance times of wondering if we are doing it right and at a point it becomes clear there is no right, there is no wrong. There is only what your journey is for you. Your journey is as unique to you as ours are to us and when we share moments good or bad we do it to show we do survive and move forward and life can be amazing.

[Faith]

Busy weekend so not much happened. Had a b-day party to go to Sat at my daughter's in-laws. I confirmed what I should wear, answer: whatever suited me, no problem. Being a pool party, I opted for shorts and a pink t-shirt. I got dressed and Lori took a look ... umm ... "You need to wear a bra with that shirt" .. DOH! so, bra it was.

But then, we had to go buy a new mower that morning. By the time we got it home, unloaded, rained on, humid, sweaty, I had to change again. It sucked, I really wanted to wear the pink tee.

While at the party I had one odd, for a Dad, moment. My daughter came over to where I was sitting and whispered, "Dad, how do you get your knees so shiny? Mine are dull looking". O.O I don't know that I do anything special, well tanned and some St Ives moisturizer. I gave her my open one that was almost empty to try, it doesn't take much.

Sunday was mow the yard day, nothing girly about that. I am getting more comfortable mowing wearing short-shorts and a halter top. Other than that, I lazed around the house. I did clear coat my nails, prep for a color tonight - to be determined. I have a blue I haven't tried yet ...


OH, I should thank everyone for their replies (except Laurie's slap .. no thanks for that    ) I do read and assimilate the replies even if I don't answer directly.

[Donna]

Way to go girl. You need to buy more pink. I have 6 pink outfits now and love them. Hey and mowing can be fun dressed for it, anything  girlish will do. So happy you have so
Much acceptance around you, what a wonderful feeling

[steph2.0]

Way to go, Faith! I love mowing the lawn now in short shorts, tank top, and a girly sun hat. Not only do I like what I see reflected in the windows as I drive by, but it's sooo much cooler than the old cargo shorts and t-shirts that were the old work uniform. And the colors!


Stephanie

[Faith]

Way to go, Faith! I love mowing the lawn now in short shorts, tank top, and a girly sun hat. Not only do I like what I see reflected in the windows as I drive by, but it's sooo much cooler than the old cargo shorts and t-shirts that were the old work uniform. And the colors!
Stephanie

HEY STEPH!! I've been 'watching' you ... good stuff going on in your thread and up thar in the cold north where you live.

[Faith]

I was going to post in the happy/unhappy thread, but I couldn't find it.

Everything this morning normal routine, now. Make coffee, head to the bathroom to primp, dress, eat breakfast, pop pills, etc. etc.

The good ...
I got dressed, nice flowing slacks I hadn't worn in a while, new (to me) top (medium V?) that would show cleavage if I had any. It does accent that I have something in there. Nice light-weight sweater ¿wrap? (no buttons) to cover my wide shoulders. All in all, a very nice overall look. Wife says I look good, co-worker says I look good.

The bad ...
I feel ugly. I just can't shake it. Ugly in the mirror, ugly in the occasional window reflection. Ugly just sitting here and I can't even see myself.

I was going to snap a selfie to share, no can do ... too ugly.

[Northern Star Girl]

I was going to post in the happy/unhappy thread, but I couldn't find it.

Everything this morning normal routine, now. Make coffee, head to the bathroom to primp, dress, eat breakfast, pop pills, etc. etc.

The good ...
I got dressed, nice flowing slacks I hadn't worn in a while, new (to me) top (medium V?) that would show cleavage if I had any. It does accent that I have something in there. Nice light-weight sweater ¿wrap? (no buttons) to cover my wide shoulders. All in all, a very nice overall look. Wife says I look good, co-worker says I look good.

The bad ...
I feel ugly. I just can't shake it. Ugly in the mirror, ugly in the occasional window reflection. Ugly just sitting here and I can't even see myself.

I was going to snap a selfie to share, no can do ... too ugly.

@Faith    
Come on now girl, pull yourself up by your bootstraps and find a way to get to your happy place...  you made the decision to go on the transition journey that most of us here on the Forums are on.  You can read about other members successes and about their disappointments and failures too and perhaps glean some ideas of how to deal with your down times.

As is usually the case, we are our own worst critics.   Your wife and co-workers stated that you look good... you should certainly believe your wife above all, after all she would not want to be embarrassed by you not looking your best.... and your co-workers, even a few of them are just trying to be polite you should accept their compliments...
   A smart girl always cheerfully accepts compliments!!!

You might want to visit my threads for some insights from others and some encouragement for you.
          "Positive Mindset... put away negativity"

How you described the good in your post sounds very good to me that you looked very nice after your primping, and dressing in your nice flowing slacks and your cleavage revealing top....
If and when you feel comfortable posting a picture for your followers to see that would certainly be in order.

Oh, by the way here is the LINK for the thread that you were looking for:
"What Made You Both Happy and Unhappy at the Same Time Today? 2.0"
          https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,181024.msg2154676.html#msg2154676
Perhaps you may want to "Bookmark" it so you can find it more easily in the future.

Again Faith, thank you for your update... and please believe in yourself and try to always show self-confidence.
Please keep your thread updated frequently... your readers and followers want to rejoice with you in your good times and support you in your not so good times.
Whenever I log in I always take a look at all of the threads that I follow so I will be checking on you again.

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

[Laurie]

The good ...
I got dressed, nice flowing slacks I hadn't worn in a while, new (to me) top (medium V?) that would show cleavage if I had any. It does accent that I have something in there. Nice light-weight sweater ¿wrap? (no buttons) to cover my wide shoulders. All in all, a very nice overall look. Wife says I look good, co-worker says I look good.

The bad ...
I feel ugly. I just can't shake it. Ugly in the mirror, ugly in the occasional window reflection. Ugly just sitting here and I can't even see myself.

I was going to snap a selfie to share, no can do ... too ugly.

   Okay you up on the fridge! Go! Now!

You absolutely must stop being contrary. I draw you attention to the purple print in the quote above. Now tell me just what you want to disagree with Lori and your co-worker? I do not know your co-worker, but I have had a nice long talk with Lori and I am convinced that she not only knows what she wants but she also knows what is good for you. If she says you look nice then dang it tell her" thank you and I love you Lori" then accept what she has told you as fact and deal with it. I don't even have to see that picture you did not take to know you looked nice. I believe Lori.
  I suggest if you think you look ugly then you are looking in the wrong place.  Pull you head out of that dark stinky hole and come out into the light so you can see yourself as others do.
  Now you just think about that while you sit up there for awhile.

Hugs,
  Laurie