Faith's Progress

[Jayne01]

Hi Faith,

Sorry it has taken me so long to respond to your thread. So much has happened in my absence that it has taken me some time to catch up reading the almost 100 posts I've missed out on!

I don't even know where to begin. I'll start with the one standout highlight from a few days ago where you looked in the mirror and saw "her". I shed a couple of happy tears when I read your account of that day. That is a special moment which I am sure you will remember for a long time. And the moment lasted for hours. That is so awesome!! Don't worry too much that in the following days the moment was lost. It will return and go away more times and each time you see "her" in the mirror looking back at you, a little more "her" will solidify in your mental image of yourself, and "he" will slowly fade away leaving you seeing "her" all the time.

And speaking of being her, fantastic news about coming out at work and being accepted so well. Congratulations! "Wear a dress Fridays" seems like a great way to end the work week. You seem like you are also enjoying it because there was an elusive smile that creeped into the photo you posted  of yourself in a dress. You look great!

Lori is being so loving and supportive. You are so lucky to have her. Thank you Lori, on behalf of everyone here at Susan's, for being such a wonderful partner to Faith.

I'm sure I've missed something being so far behind in all the happenings in your journey. Overall, I noticed a general upward trend in your mood and progress as I read through the past couple of weeks of updates. I am very happy for you with the huge leaps forward you have made. Thank you for sharing the ups and downs of your journey.

Hugs,
Jayne

[LizK]

It was short-lived but much longer than any time before by hours. I could still look in the mirror and peruse myself all evening. Not saying that I just stood there and admired myself. Even after I got home and cleaned up for bed, she was still there

This morning, gone .. all day, gone. Ah well. I am very happy that it happened. It gives me hope that someday she won't go away.

... ready set .. fight's over, it's bedtime.  I win. Off to bed I go in her new pajama bottoms

Keep the hope alive Faith, She is there and just biding her time. You have seen her once and she will be back

...nice win with the PJ's LOL

.... Our 2 yr old granddaughter ....

It is entirely possible that, since she doesn't wear panties, she expected to see the same thing that she sees on herself .. impossible, of course

Like I said, very articulate and smart. She puzzles things out quickly and has very good hand-eye. Much better in every area than your average 2 yr old, except speech.

Faith she is 2 years old and could have been liking a colour or the first time she has seen this shaped naked body...or she wanted a drink...or she loves you and wanted your attention. Being interested is just plain healthy. Young kids are terribly adaptable and the likelihood of her even remembering it 10 minutes later would be slim. I am sure she will be fine...

another tangent

As is my wont, I've been lurking around and perusing threads catching up on everyone when I should be working. I read through a few progress/timeline scenarios and the pattern I noticed is, I don't fit them.

• Moody: yes, but not anything more severe. I've always had mood swings. these are only slightly different
• Emotional: well, I always have been I just hid it more. Am I more emotional now or just willing to release it?
• Physical: some changes, more noticeable to others than to me, that seems to be normal. Slow change, again, normal - I'm old and changing 50+ plus years of physical is nigh impossible.
• Breasts: Yep, got'm. They'll get there I think. I hope they don't go crazy, I just want to know they are there and fill out female cut tops better.
• Hair loss: nope. I see absolutely no difference in body hair growth speed or density, it's a constant fight. Why do others post of body hair light, thinned, gone, etc, and it's not occurring for me? Body hair is one of my most dysphoric issues. I am very OCD about removal

Just musing, I know there isn't any one result or timeline for anyone.

From what I can see you have answered yes to 4 out of 5 of the things you listed. I am also over 50 and at 2years plus HRT and only recently has my body hair begun to change after all this time. The sensitivity in my breasts have also increased more of late. The changes that some of the younger ones experience in the first year have taken me nearly 2 in most cases. The other things you list I have to varying degrees as well, just keep in mind you have been taking HRT for only a very short time and you are right at our age it is all much slower to get there.

I found it so hard to see the changes that everyone else has seen and I still don't see her every day which like you makes days a bit of a battle. I don't know when it will happen for you but it will one day she will come back and stay for good. I don't know how far away that day is for me but I look forward to it as I am sure you do.


You are making great progress  I know it can feel a bit like treading water at times but from the outside looking in you appear to . Hope you are well and feeling good

Take care
Liz

[Faith]

Well, Liz. Your post made me think I should log in and say something. Jayne I can ignore, she knows I get all shut-in sometimes. @Jayne ... thbphbphbphbhbp ...

I'm rather used to being an after-thought in life, forums aren't much different I suppose. I hold things in because if I share and no one listens it's even worse.

Anyway, Liz. Thanks for the replies. My grand-daughter definitely wanted to express something about the genital area, her actions were too specific. But, since she doesn't talk, I have no idea which way it would have gone. I do follow your thread. I don't post because I'm usually not logged in and .. what have I to say that others haven't already? Anyway, I do read and commiserate with you, or cheer for you, or smile with you, as the case may be.

-=HAIR=- argghh ... grrr ... someday can't come soon enough. I keep waffling on the next step. Orchi, electro for the face, fix my deviated septum (and a bit a reshape while in there). All of which Lori is OK with .. it's the money.

Speaking of money, my daughter's car broke down. We gave her back the car we got for her to drive. Then our second car took a crap. $500+ later on a $50 car .. grrr .. still more to spend on it if we're to keep driving it. We plan on replacing but can't seem to get enough together all at once. Won't do payments .. nope, no way. Then, last night, out 3rd vehicle decided it wouldn't stay running. Idles for a bit and dies. It'll die sitting at a light. ARRGGHH.  I really can't do mechanic stuff anymore but it looks like I have a nasty weekend in store for me. Knowing how to do something doesn't mean that I want to do it. Probably something simple that'll take a full day of sweating to find. 1984 El Camino. At least it's old enough for me to work on it.

So, on an easy day of a Dr visit for Lori just to renew her BP meds ... which she almost doesn't need anymore, thanks to my diet that she's also on . If you want to get healthier, cut out gluten. Just sayin' .. oh, I digressed. On an easy day out we ended up spending over $700, rivers of sweat pouring (no ac in 2nd car), went to lunch and not only did I get a sir, he returned to say sir 5 more times in a sentence and a half. I don't know if he was making a point or trying to convince himself. Sure, no make-up but I was most definitely not in guy mode. I can't believe how much it bothered me, it didn't use to. I should just give up. I look like a guy, that's just the way it is.

'Wear a dress to work Friday's'. Well, I screwed up - I wore one on Tuesday. I'm still wearing one today so that's twice in one week. Not sure why I bother, I look like a dude in a dress.

Another heart-to-heart with Lori. You have to have them now and again. 100% support, with me, help me do anything I need .. still doesn't want to be married to a woman. She's says she'll deal with it and get used to it as time goes on, I can't help but feel doom on the horizon .. years maybe, but looming. If I change too much, will it be too much? *sigh*


I think I'm done dumping for now, logging back out to wallow at my work desk.
¿Faith?

[LizK]

Hi Faith

I appreciate you taking the time to reply. I look for kindred souls when I am reading posts. I found with your thread there was plenty I could relate too. Especially your battle with seeing "her" I don't have an avatar up at the moment as I am redoing it again but when you do see it you will see I certainly could easily be seen as the "dude in a dress". But what gave me heart is that like you I experience times when I am genuinely treated as the woman I am. Being treated this way is certainly not a given for me.

I think it might be cultural but I don't get misgendered very often, its not because I physically look particularly feminine but I certainly present feminine. There are enough things about the way I look to make people hesitate and in many cases just accept what they see. But its a whole package of things that make them respond to me in the way they do.

Why does someone misgender another person...maybe they are insecure, maybe they get off on others pain, maybe they are closeted or maybe because they really are just >-bleeped-<s...these people don't actually care much about anyone else apart from themselves. Why would one person go out of their way to hurt another person? is the person who does this really worthy of taking your time and thoughts? He came back and repeated it over  and over again despite seeing how you were dressed. Personally I think those who deliberately misgender are just small minded individuals.

Take care
Liz

[Faith]

I had several things to add this morning and I can't remember them. I spent too much time exposing expressing myself in other threads. I guess they weren't that important.

OH, we had to make a store run last night, I was still in the outfit that I wore to work. I offered to change, Lori said, "Don't worry about it, you look fine". So, off we went.

Holding hands with my wife, in public, wearing dress and makeup and in a good mood ... Sometimes the stars align. 

[Laurie]

I had several things to add this morning and I can't remember them. I spent too much time exposing expressing myself in other threads. I guess they weren't that important.

OH, we had to make a store run last night, I was still in the outfit that I wore to work. I offered to change, Lori said, "Don't worry about it, you look fine". So, off we went.

Holding hands with my wife, in public, wearing dress and makeup and in a good mood ... Sometimes the stars align. 

It doesn't get much better than that Faith. Enjoying life with Lori.

Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk

[Faith]

I believe I mentioned back a little about my niece trying a violet highlight in my hair. Lori is OK with it, my niece is excited about it. Sooooo, tomorrow I am looking at being accosted by three young gals fidgeting and fussing with my hair adding a lavender highlight to the front/side bangs. The alternative was bright purple. I think lavender is a ¿safer? option. And, scary as that is, they want to work up an outfit for me. If they choose from my stuff they won't have much luck, I'll tell you that. Basic darks and grays and some pink. I do have purple but somehow I don't think any of it will fit their intentions.

not having any money, due to car repairs, my options are limited.

[Northern Star Girl]

I believe I mentioned back a little about my niece trying a violet highlight in my hair. Lori is OK with it, my niece is excited about it. Sooooo, tomorrow I am looking at being accosted by three young gals fidgeting and fussing with my hair adding a lavender highlight to the front/side bangs. The alternative was bright purple. I think lavender is a ¿safer? option. And, scary as that is, they want to work up an outfit for me. If they choose from my stuff they won't have much luck, I'll tell you that. Basic darks and grays and some pink. I do have purple but somehow I don't think any of it will fit their intentions.

not having any money, due to car repairs, my options are limited.

@Faith
Dear Faith:
I have been following the ups and downs of your updates on your thread....   so far I am glad to see that the ups are more significant that the downs.   I am glad that you are continuing to write about your successes and your frustrations....   this is a good way for you ponder your life goals, events and positive solutions to any of the issues you are dealing with.   

So.... your last update that I quoted above is great news... all except of course nor not having any money due to car repairs.
I think that you will have an exciting day tomorrow being worked over by three young gals... lavender highlights are certainly a little less daring than a bight purple color.   Oh, and they want to work up an outfit for you well.  Again, very exciting.   

If you feel so led after all of your young friends have their way with you, please post a picture or two so you can share this moment with us, your followers.
We are your biggest fans....

Wishing you well.....
Hugs,
Danielle

[LizK]

I believe I mentioned back a little about my niece trying a violet highlight in my hair. Lori is OK with it, my niece is excited about it. Sooooo, tomorrow I am looking at being accosted by three young gals fidgeting and fussing with my hair adding a lavender highlight to the front/side bangs. The alternative was bright purple. I think lavender is a ¿safer? option. And, scary as that is, they want to work up an outfit for me. If they choose from my stuff they won't have much luck, I'll tell you that. Basic darks and grays and some pink. I do have purple but somehow I don't think any of it will fit their intentions.

not having any money, due to car repairs, my options are limited.

I love my hair (my God I never ever thought I would say that) and really love taking care of it...however what I really like is to play with putting a colour in it. I must admit I am really conservative with my colour choice which comes from being "colour challenged"  but the end result is always great. I think if you are having a highlight the brighter the better as it will draw the eye to your hair. Just my 50cents worth 

Take care

Liz

[Faith]

@Faith
Dear Faith:
I have been following the ups and downs of your updates on your thread....   so far I am glad to see that the ups are more significant that the downs.   I am glad that you are continuing to write about your successes and your frustrations....   this is a good way for you ponder your life goals, events and positive solutions to any of the issues you are dealing with.   

So.... your last update that I quoted above is great news... all except of course nor not having any money due to car repairs.
I think that you will have an exciting day tomorrow being worked over by three young gals... lavender highlights are certainly a little less daring than a bight purple color.   Oh, and they want to work up an outfit for you well.  Again, very exciting.   

If you feel so led after all of your young friends have their way with you, please post a picture or two so you can share this moment with us, your followers.
We are your biggest fans....

Wishing you well.....
Hugs,
Danielle

Danielle, I keep hearing from people that I'm having more ups then downs. It's good to hear and I hope it's true. Unfortunately for me, the downs stand out more. I guess it's in my nature.

As for ups. Today I could look in the mirror without distress. I did not see her but the feminine look must have been coming through. Lori said, after I mentioned it, that I was 'projecting my femininity' today.

I love my hair (my God I never ever thought I would say that) and really love taking care of it...however what I really like is to play with putting a colour in it. I must admit I am really conservative with my colour choice which comes from being "colour challenged"  but the end result is always great. I think if you are having a highlight the brighter the better as it will draw the eye to your hair. Just my 50cents worth 

Take care

Liz

I don't know. I figured lavender wouldn't stand out as much if something went wrong 

[LizK]

I don't know. I figured lavender wouldn't stand out as much if something went wrong 

Good Point faith...it worst comes to worst you may have to bleach it out and start again if you don't like the colour. Colour is good!!!

[Faith]

highlight - Done. I had three young gals, I called them "the Rainbow Girls" all fussing over me. They chose the outfit that I should wear tomorrow at work, I don't know about that. We'll see. Not without stockings, that's for sure.

I do have a couple images uploaded, I'll not post them publicly. If you are really interested, PM me, I'll give you a link. It's a shorter skirt rather then maxi. I do not like my lower legs showing. I'm ok in shorts .. go figure.

the images aren't great, poor lighting. Couldn't do it outside, it was already dark.

It was fun doing and having gals fussing over you is nice. Maybe someday the result will be greater than the experience.

[Laurie]

But Michelle and I want to see the pics here.  Make it so.

Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk

[Faith]

But Michelle and I want to see the pics here.  Make it so.

Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk

no can do ... too ugly.  I sent you the link via PM. It's hard to see the highlight in the poor lighting though.

[Jayne01]

no can do ... too ugly.  I sent you the link via PM. It's hard to see the highlight in the poor lighting though.

Faith,
I understand you have a hard time with mirrors and are not happy with your self perception of how you look, but please stop using the word "ugly". You are NOT ugly! Not by a long shot. The word "ugly" itself is an ugly word that only serves to perpetuate negative feelings. Be kinder to yourself. We are usually the last ones the see what everyone else already sees. Trust your friends, and above all trust your wife when we say you look good. If the hair colour didn't turn out how you had hoped, just say it didn't turn out how you hoped. Leave words like "ugly" out of it. This is one way you can modify your outlook to feel better about yourself. The language we use is a powerful psychological tool.

If you do not feel comfortable posting photos in your thread, that is fine, no pressure. I would like to see the photos, so send me a PM if you don't feel comfortable posting in a public forum.

Hugs,
Jayne

[Faith]

Faith,
I understand you have a hard time with mirrors and are not happy with your self perception of how you look, but please stop using the word "ugly". You are NOT ugly! Not by a long shot. The word "ugly" itself is an ugly word that only serves to perpetuate negative feelings. Be kinder to yourself. We are usually the last ones the see what everyone else already sees. Trust your friends, and above all trust your wife when we say you look good. If the hair colour didn't turn out how you had hoped, just say it didn't turn out how you hoped. Leave words like "ugly" out of it. This is one way you can modify your outlook to feel better about yourself. The language we use is a powerful psychological tool.

If you do not feel comfortable posting photos in your thread, that is fine, no pressure. I would like to see the photos, so send me a PM if you don't feel comfortable posting in a public forum.

Hugs,
Jayne

Jayne, don't get me wrong, I like my hair .. one of my defining features .. I even like it tinted. It turned out great. It's the rest of my head that's the problem

[Jayne01]

Jayne, don't get me wrong, I like my hair .. one of my defining features .. I even like it tinted. It turned out great. It's the rest of my head that's the problem

Not a "problem" Faith, rather a work in progress. That is what I mean about language. Using more positive language really does work. It takes effort to talk positively about yourself when you don't believe it to be true, but it does get easier with practise. Give it a try for a while, you have nothing to lose. True beauty emanates from deep inside us. That is what we all see in you. I couldn't give you an honest opinion about how you look based purely on physical features. Once I start getting to know a person, as early as initial greeting, physical looks start becoming transparent, revealing a window to what's truly inside. That is what I am interested in when getting to know someone.

Faith, you are a beautiful person. I hope in due course, you will start to see that too!

Now I need to sleep because I am very tired and it's almost midnight.

Be kind to YOU!

Hugs,
Jayne

[Northern Star Girl]

no can do ... too ugly.  I sent you the link via PM. It's hard to see the highlight in the poor lighting though.

@Faith
Dear Faith:
Absolutely NO PRESSURE, NO OBLIGATION, for you or anyone here to post any pictures.
Believe me, there are some pictures of me that I do not want to post here either.   
It is entirely the member's personal decision to share or to not share any information, pictures, personal contact information, etc.

Now, after saying all of that....  just about all of us here that are in various stages transitioning have had moments of doubt about our appearance and progress, so you are not alone with your feelings.   All of your followers here on the Forums are your biggest fans and we are always here to encourage you and to share our thoughts with you.... and of course we are eager to see your pictures and see who we are talking to...  BUT again, it is YOUR decision and your option.   

All we can ask is that you consider continue doing what you have to do, and if you feel so led, keep posting and sharing your updates and life events that we can follow.... and know that we are here to rejoice with you in your good reports, and when they are not so good we will be here to support you with our comments and messages to with you.

So, Faith, hang in there, and please continue keeping your thread updated as you see fit and as you feel comfortable doing.
Hugs and well wishes, as aways,
Danielle

[Faith]

Danielle. I freely admit that I have severe face and body dysphoria. I acknowledge this but acknowledgement doesn't equal acceptance. I see what I see and very rarely does it cut through and look different. The plus is, it does cut through sometimes and I look forward to each one. It never shows, to me, in pictures.

That said, here is one picture of me being fussed over that I can tolerate that I will share. Clickable link, not embedded. That way others can see it easy but it doesn't jump out at me. My nieces are ok with pictures being posted, I asked them already.

Very poor lighting, photographers we are not.
https://i.imgur.com/zcrUit5.jpg

I cannot bring myselt to link a finished product image. Anyone wanting to see that will have to send me a PM request. Why anyone would is beyond me though.

[Northern Star Girl]

Danielle. I freely admit that I have severe face and body dysphoria. I acknowledge this but acknowledgement doesn't equal acceptance. I see what I see and very rarely does it cut through and look different. The plus is, it does cut through sometimes and I look forward to each one. It never shows, to me, in pictures.

That said, here is one picture of me being fussed over that I can tolerate that I will share. Clickable link, not embedded. That way others can see it easy but it doesn't jump out at me. My nieces are ok with pictures being posted, I asked them already.

Very poor lighting, photographers we are not.
https://i.imgur.com/zcrUit5.jpg

I cannot bring myselt to link a finished product image. Anyone wanting to see that will have to send me a PM request. Why anyone would is beyond me though.

@Faith
My dear Faith:
My oh my....... I viewed your photo and I have to honestly tell you that you have absolutely NOTHING to be shy of or ashamed of.   

I think the photo of you being "fussed over" by your young friends is terrific and you most certainly look great in my opinion.   Nothing to be ashamed of and if you finally do choose to post that picture or any similar pictures of yourself on your thread or anywhere on the various Forums threads I am most certain that you will get nothing but compliments and accolades.   

Please, if you can, muster all of your self-assurance and self-confidence that you can and continue to move forward toward your goals.

Just sayin............
Hugs and well wishes as always,
Danielle