Faith's Progress

[Faith]

What do you mean by that!?

[Faith]

Hurray for Lori and her Mom!! I hope you gave them both a kiss for those comments.

I give Lori a kiss every chance I get .. I haven't seen her mom since before that day.

[Faith]

I was thinking, since I feel pretty good today, that I'd post an extra picture for this week. I tried 3 times, yucch (yuck if you prefer). Now I don't feel as good.

Night-time walk with Lori last night. It was actually kind of pleasant out, not so humid. Nice talk about serious and non-serious things.

Nothing really to see in this post, I'm just bored, move along.

[Donica]

VERY big difference

I went for slightly, you can tell me ......

 

That is me (obvious?) standing next to my new/old car outside the DMV

When we first went in, to get our number, we handed over our documentation. They asked us if 'John' was here ..

Faith

ps.
I was standing for the photo, car idling, the door shut, the doors locked, no key .. grandbaby (2 yr old) in the back seat all buckled in. We had to wait for my son to bring another key. Lots of bad 1sts with the car .. but, now that's all out of the way

Oh my! I really missed a lot hear. Oops! No you dint lock your key in the car with your grandbaby buckled in the back seat? Oooohhh Faith Your lucky your grandbaby didn't take it for a joy ride! I would have

You look gorgeous Faith!!!  I love your complete outfit including your shoes. Jezzz! Miss a day and your thread goes viral! Give me a sec to catch up on your thread.

Hugs girl!
Donica.

[Donica]

Oh ya Faith! Funny thing, my first language was baby talk too. I tend to revert back to it on occasion. Pisses people off to no end when they can't understand me . I'm glad Lori's mom was ok. She needs to keep her epipin updated.

BTW, I love your choice of nail polish color in your DMV pictures. It looks like hot pink? Or maybe it's red? I did hot pink for the Gala I went too last weekend.

Hugs,
Donica.

[Faith]

Oh my! I really missed a lot hear. Oops! No you dint lock your key in the car with your grandbaby buckled in the back seat? Oooohhh Faith Your lucky your grandbaby didn't take it for a joy ride! I would have

She was too busy munching her chips. she was fine, grandma was panicking

You look gorgeous Faith!!!  I love your complete outfit including your shoes...

Thank you .. I was feeling it that day as well

Oh ya Faith! Funny thing, my first language was baby talk too. I tend to revert back to it on occasion. Pisses people off to no end when they can't understand me . I'm glad Lori's mom was ok. She needs to keep her epipin updated.

BTW, I love your choice of nail polish color in your DMV pictures. It looks like hot pink? Or maybe it's red? I did hot pink for the Gala I went too last weekend.

Hugs,
Donica.

Her Mom's fine, just needs more attention then she's getting.

Nail color: it's my favorite: Sally Hansen Diamond Strength 370, Red Velvet.

[Faith]

I've been a bit remiss on the forums, I fear I won't do a proper 'catch-up' (No Laurie!, not Ketchup!!). So much good (and bad ) in the reads, I feel I'm left out of the close group of supporters. My own fault I suppose. I've had some down thoughts creeping in, dwelling on negatives and doubt. This is what happens when you are left alone with your own thoughts. I think I need a dog that only likes women. If (s)he likes me I'm all set

A least one affirming thing happened, I should let Lori tell it .. she needs the post count

I've been trying to make it a habit to catch Lori at her work during lunch. Considering our schedules I'm doing pretty good. Sat and Sun were OK ... not the visit/lunch! that was great ... the way I felt about myself. Lunch with Lori was a good distraction from my thoughts. Shorts on Saturday, jeans on Sunday.

Monday ....
I did not change from work when I went to meet up with Lori so I was in a long skirt and top (same outfit that I wore for my 1st ever dress outing). We had lunch in her works break-room. A few other employees around. One in particular was making conversation and then asked if Lori and I were related, we look so much alike. I didn't see that coming. I'll take it as a compliment, I think my wife is beautiful.  Lori and I looked at each other and laughed a bit. I told the woman that this many years of marriage does tend to make you look alike.

She was shocked that we were married, not offended, she had us pegged for siblings or close cousins ( I suspect). I had to show her my ring, I still didn't think that she quite believed that we were married. After she left I asked Lori if she really thought so, Nope. Lori didn't think she believed us either. Lori said she'd track her down and fill in the details.

After Lori got home she told me .. Not only did the woman not quite believe that we were married, she had pegged us both for women. She had no idea .. she does now.  Turned out that she knew about transgenderism being a lesbian herself. She didn't pick up on any cues from me.

That's it. I think it lost a bit in the telling. It felt like a bigger deal when it happened.

I'm sorry for all if you whose threads I've skipped over. I'll play catch-up as I can. Some of you are dear to me and I feel I haven't kept up my end of things.

Faith

[Donica]

A lovely update Faith. You are getting properly gendered more and more all the time now. SQUEEE!

I'm not sure what's going on but the forums has been a little quiet lately? It's probably my fault. I probably said something stupid again. I'll keep my shoehorn handy in case I need to dislodge my foot from my mouth AGAIN!!!

Hugs girl!
Donica.

[Jayne01]

I've been a bit remiss on the forums, I fear I won't do a proper 'catch-up' (No Laurie!, not Ketchup!!). So much good (and bad ) in the reads, I feel I'm left out of the close group of supporters. My own fault I suppose. I've had some down thoughts creeping in, dwelling on negatives and doubt. This is what happens when you are left alone with your own thoughts. I think I need a dog that only likes women. If (s)he likes me I'm all set

A least one affirming thing happened, I should let Lori tell it .. she needs the post count

I've been trying to make it a habit to catch Lori at her work during lunch. Considering our schedules I'm doing pretty good. Sat and Sun were OK ... not the visit/lunch! that was great ... the way I felt about myself. Lunch with Lori was a good distraction from my thoughts. Shorts on Saturday, jeans on Sunday.

Monday ....
I did not change from work when I went to meet up with Lori so I was in a long skirt and top (same outfit that I wore for my 1st ever dress outing). We had lunch in her works break-room. A few other employees around. One in particular was making conversation and then asked if Lori and I were related, we look so much alike. I didn't see that coming. I'll take it as a compliment, I think my wife is beautiful.  Lori and I looked at each other and laughed a bit. I told the woman that this many years of marriage does tend to make you look alike.

She was shocked that we were married, not offended, she had us pegged for siblings or close cousins ( I suspect). I had to show her my ring, I still didn't think that she quite believed that we were married. After she left I asked Lori if she really thought so, Nope. Lori didn't think she believed us either. Lori said she'd track her down and fill in the details.

After Lori got home she told me .. Not only did the woman not quite believe that we were married, she had pegged us both for women. She had no idea .. she does now.  Turned out that she knew about transgenderism being a lesbian herself. She didn't pick up on any cues from me.

That's it. I think it lost a bit in the telling. It felt like a bigger deal when it happened.

I'm sorry for all if you whose threads I've skipped over. I'll play catch-up as I can. Some of you are dear to me and I feel I haven't kept up my end of things.

Faith

Hi Faith, no, nothing was lost in the telling. The story with Lori's coworker was a big deal. There is a good reason she pegged you both for women......you ARE both women! I'm pretty sure you meant to say cis women, but that makes no difference. You are a woman and got gendered correctly. Girl, male fail has set in! Get used to being gendered correctly more frequently!

Don't worry about not being active on the forums if you are not feeling up to it. There is never any pressure to post. We all understand that things aren't always great. There are ups and downs and we each deal with the downs in different ways. The only thing I ask is that if you are feeling really down, as in more than the normal cycles of life, please reach out to talk to someone. It doesn't have to be here in the forum, just don't try to go it alone. You have plenty of supporters on this forum and in your daily life who are more than willing to offer a shoulder for you to lean on.

Thank you for your update and congratulations on your make fail moment.

Hugs,
Jayne

[Faith]

Hi Faith, no, nothing was lost in the telling. The story with Lori's coworker was a big deal. There is a good reason she pegged you both for women......you ARE both women! I'm pretty sure you meant to say cis women, but that makes no difference. You are a woman and got gendered correctly. Girl, male fail has set in! Get used to being gendered correctly more frequently!

Don't worry about not being active on the forums if you are not feeling up to it. There is never any pressure to post. We all understand that things aren't always great. There are ups and downs and we each deal with the downs in different ways. The only thing I ask is that if you are feeling really down, as in more than the normal cycles of life, please reach out to talk to someone. It doesn't have to be here in the forum, just don't try to go it alone. You have plenty of supporters on this forum and in your daily life who are more than willing to offer a shoulder for you to lean on.

Thank you for your update and congratulations on your make fail moment.

Hugs,
Jayne

Yes Jayne, I'm sorry, I won't get it wrong again (yes I will).

I said what I meant. My doubt and negative is not about my appearance or presentation (to others, how people see me, etc.) ... it's great when they see me ... Deep within myself I am having trouble accepting myself still. I know, I feel, I understand, there is no question .. fully accepting is my problem. I am still, somewhere deep inside me, holding on to old me. It's a safety net I think. Logically and realistically I know I am not going back, cannot go back, will not go back. In the back of my mind, emotionally, if I don't fully commit then I have a failure escape route.

I'm not sure I said that right. emotional conundrums are so hard to verbalize.

[Jayne01]

Yes Jayne, I'm sorry, I won't get it wrong again (yes I will).

I said what I meant. My doubt and negative is not about my appearance or presentation (to others, how people see me, etc.) ... it's great when they see me ... Deep within myself I am having trouble accepting myself still. I know, I feel, I understand, there is no question .. fully accepting is my problem. I am still, somewhere deep inside me, holding on to old me. It's a safety net I think. Logically and realistically I know I am not going back, cannot go back, will not go back. In the back of my mind, emotionally, if I don't fully commit then I have a failure escape route.

I'm not sure I said that right. emotional conundrums are so hard to verbalize.

You said that perfectly. That is exactly how I used to feel. I knew there was no going back, but there was a deep down "escape route", as you put it. This ecisted right up until these past couple of weeks where I have submitted my name change forms and fully come out at work. For me, those big steps represented burning the bridge that leads back to John. I never wanted to cross back over that bridge and now that bridge has been destroyed in my mind. John now safely exists in my memory, and nowhere else. I am Jayne now. When you burn that bridge back to the old you, the doubts and trouble accepting yourself will leave your mind. Don't try to rush it, it will happen naturally in its own time. All you can do now is accept the fact that these thoughts and doubts will enter your mind. You know in your heart who you are. Your brain still needs a bit more time to catch up. The mind can be very resistant to big changes.

I am really pleased to see your newfound ability to objectively take an inner look at yourself and recognise the various ways your mind works without being drawn into every negative thought that passes through. This is fantastic progress!

Hugs,
Jayne

[Jennifer M]

She was shocked that we were married, not offended, she had us pegged for siblings or close cousins ( I suspect). I had to show her my ring, I still didn't think that she quite believed that we were married. After she left I asked Lori if she really thought so, Nope. Lori didn't think she believed us either. Lori said she'd track her down and fill in the details.

After Lori got home she told me .. Not only did the woman not quite believe that we were married, she had pegged us both for women. She had no idea .. she does now.  Turned out that she knew about transgenderism being a lesbian herself. She didn't pick up on any cues from me.

That's it. I think it lost a bit in the telling. It felt like a bigger deal when it happened.

From my perspective, nothing was lost in the telling. It's a powerful male-fail event and I would have had difficulty containing a squeesplosion in such a case. But I also totally get your internal doubt. I am sure that if/when I ever get to the point you are, I will feel the same way.

[KathyLauren]

Faith, that was a great update!  No need to apologize for the telling.  I can tell how exciting it must have been to here her comments, and to learn more about her reactions second-hand.  Yay!

[Faith]

From my perspective, nothing was lost in the telling. It's a powerful male-fail event and I would have had difficulty containing a squeesplosion in such a case. But I also totally get your internal doubt. I am sure that if/when I ever get to the point you are, I will feel the same way.

Hey Jennifer. Doubt comes with the territory, unfortunately. You start out doubting who you are, then doubting that you're heading the right way, then doubting that other people see you that way, then doubting yourself even when everything appears right.  I think I missed a few doubts in there Overcoming each doubt is a big step forward. I think I'm on my last big one.

Faith, that was a great update!  No need to apologize for the telling.  I can tell how exciting it must have been to here her comments, and to learn more about her reactions second-hand.  Yay!

YAY! yes, it was very affirming. A big internal grin was hiding under the big external grin. It was very welcome after a weekend of doubt.

A lovely update Faith. You are getting properly gendered more and more all the time now. SQUEEE!

I'm not sure what's going on but the forums has been a little quiet lately? It's probably my fault. I probably said something stupid again. I'll keep my shoehorn handy in case I need to dislodge my foot from my mouth AGAIN!!!

Hugs girl!
Donica.

Well, if you can't, could you move your's over? I want to take my foot out of my mouth and it's needs someplace else to go.

[Laurie]

Hi Faith,

  Alright I will join the choir in telling you that the encounter in the lunch room was a big deal. Very affirming. You are doing well and more and more people are seeing the You you are. It's working whatever "it" is.
  I hear you about those nagging thoughts that keep creeping in. I deal with them almost constantly. But I move ahead. And so will you Faith.

Hugs,
   Lauroe

[Faith]

Hi Faith,

  Alright I will join the choir in telling you that the encounter in the lunch room was a big deal. Very affirming. You are doing well and more and more people are seeing the You you are. It's working whatever "it" is.
  I hear you about those nagging thoughts that keep creeping in. I deal with them almost constantly. But I move ahead. And so will you Faith.

Hugs,
   Lauroe

Lauroe, my doubts are my own .. you can't have them!!

Your thinking, in your thread, got me thinking. At this point, are our doubts about being transgender? About really being a woman inside coming out? About just being? Or are they really simply about a huge life change? I think the latter.

Big changes in life is always full of questions and doubts and wondering and second-guessing. I know I'm transgender! I know I'm a woman inside. My doubts do not stem from that, it stems from the security of a stable life-long existence of wrongness ... not a wrong life, there's a difference. I would not trade my life, my children, my grand-children to have had this existence any earlier.

It a huge life-upturning event.

Take employment. You work a mediocre job, mediocre pay .. stable. Then, you get an offer for the dream-job. A big increase in pay, in life-style, in everything. You have to uproot, disrupt your whole life, your family, your friends. The uncertainty .. You have to risk it all in the hope that it'll turn out as great and wonderful as you thought. Big irreversible steps into uncertainty for the possibility, the hope, that it'll be right at the end.

That uncertain destination resonates with the doubts we've held on to since that first mind-blowing realization that I am not living as who I am. All the 'am I nuts' 'am I crazy' 'am I .. the list goes on. It stirs those doubts up to the top where they try to take root, to turn back to that mediocre but stable existence.

Well, my existence prior was not mediocre or unfulfilling not even undesirable. It was leading me to disaster. I took the steps that I had to do to preserve myself .. by becoming me.

I think I'll be OK

Faith

[Laurie]

 
  Yes, Faith, I think you will be alright too.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Faith]

 
  Yes, Faith, I think you will be alright too.

Hugs,
  Laurie

You will be as well.

[Faith]

We went out to the local park jam last night. It was nice to play a bit of music again. A few friends come up to say Hi. One in particular (that's not usually there, just coincidence) came up saying how we're missed at the local music club that meets once a month for music, dance, social. She stated how many people were asking about us (I didn't ask if it was me, Lori, or both) and wondering when we were coming back.

She had tried to get my attention a few times, called for John. It took a few times for me to realize, "Hey, that's me" I go by Faith work and online, and home when it's not an oops. I told her that I go by Faith, she apologized about not knowing. I hadn't told her, how would she know? Anyways, next time up she called me John and quickly switched saying it'll take a bit to remember.  When she talked to Lori (as I was playing) Lori said she referred to me as Faith during their conversation ... progress. She's also a talker, she'll tell other people.

I suppose it's time to tell the 'park people' that I prefer to be called Faith.

At the end of the evening my son (who was also there, miracles do happen) asked Lori if she thought I would be OK with a hug. She said, of course. So, for the first time in his adult life, my son gave me a hug and a peck - same way that he does for Lori.

[Northern Star Girl]

@Faith
Dear Faith:
I will score your very last update as a "good news" report.  It is good that your friends had missed you and Lori...  it is also good that you are continuing being involved in activities that you enjoyed among those that know you...  and don't be too concerned about those that knew you as "John" and still call you by your old name ... 

...for any transitioner that has a network of longer term friends and co-workers, it can be a big adjustment for the others to start automatically calling you by your new name... it can take some time but most will catch themselves and make the correction to your new name quickly... be patient with them and gently correct them as necessary.

Thank you for sharing with your followers... I am always eager to hear of your life events.
Hugs,
Danielle