Well, it feels like forever rather than a few days. My heads still split, all kinds of happy doubts (if that makes sense to anyone). I'm bored at work and thought to myself, "Hey, Self!! Why not log in on the forums and give an update?" Not being one to argue with myself (HAH!, yeah, right. Like everyday!!!!!! .. ahem .. ) here I am. Now I have to remember what's happened the last little bit.
1st off. I'll not get into much of what I've been going through. Those that checked on me, and I had the email for, got an earful (eyeful) though. Even then I glossed over a lot of it. Thanks for the check-ins, they mean a lot even if I'm a grouchy old biddy when I reply.
I need to scroll back and look at what I've already written, excuse me a moment ...
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OH!! .. Direct apology to Steph. You didn't type anything seriously amiss, I just wasn't ready for it.
hmm, there's more. excuse me again ...
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Ok, caught up, sort of. Jamboree was the last update. Only a week? That doesn't seem right ...
I've had to deal with a few well-meaning (ex)friends who want to fix me. One of them was a religious questionnaire email (that I'll not recount). It threw me for a loop mentally. It didn't trigger any doubts on my part, it did set my head spinning in the 'what does everyone else I know think, what are they hiding?. I've concluded, for the 1000th+ times .. Too bad, I'm me.
We made a showing at the local weekly outdoor jam (not the jamboree). We arrived late (Lori was working). They were doing a celebration of life for a friend of ours that passed. She was aware of my changes although it wasn't dramatic yet at that time. She never once changed how she looked at me or how she talked to me. It was an, "Oh, Ok" kind of thing and that was it.
I did not play although I brought my stuff. I decided it was too late to drag it all out. There was someone else playing bass anyways. We sat on the seawall to listen. I had 3 friends come to me to say Hi, a 4th waved me over (he was playing and couldn't come to me). 5 people, 5 hugs. 1 gal friend stated that she was going to have to step up her game to compete with my outfits. One guy made sure to comment on how good I looked. (creepy hug guy from several? months ago, I recounted it somewhere). I had bad thoughts wondering if he's 'closet gay' (not that I care) and would make a move if Lori wasn't standing guard ... I don't want to find out ... blah .. Sorry, that's not nice. Wondering where the 5th come from? She was sitting next to guy 4 that waved me over. She doesn't understand but totally accepting.
out of 50+ people, they were the only ones to approach me. Not sure how or don't want to? No idea. Doesn't matter.
Perhaps I should mention, I did not change after work. I was there in a maxi skirt, top, black sandals. Same outfit that I wore in my profile picture way back when, the first skirt outfit that I wore to work. You'll have to work to remember what it looked like, something ate all my images. I had never worn a skirt in front of them before, that was the first time. Lori was surprised that I did it. I'd always changed to slacks before when we were going places where people knew me.
rolling backwards a little further. I felt good all that day at work, I don't know, it was just a good day. At home before I left to meet Lori I checked the mirror to make sure everything was set and ... there she was ... I looked away and looked back, she was still there. I had to spend a few minutes gazing in wonder.
ok, moving back forwards. Lori got dragged into a conversation about me with the wife in the ex-friend couple (from way back when I first came out (read my thread, it's in there!!). It set her back a bit in her own thoughts. I'll not recount what Lori said of the conversation, I bet you all can surmise. Yesterday morning Lori asked me to call her (I was at work). She just wanted to hear my voice (not much voice, it's almost gone from being in the night air too much) .. and she wanted to apologize for letting that (ex)friend conversation twist her thoughts away from her own. Really? no apology needed. Lori already has put up with more and worked with and accepted more than I could ever have hoped or dreamed of. I fully expected to be alone by this time .. I love my wife, just sayin'
Let's see .. Oh, night air. I rushed home on Wed to start primping and dressing up for Halloween. I had most of it done before Lori got home. I did a pretty good job, imo, on the extreme face makeup. So well, in fact, that Lori said it looked really good on me ... just not for every day. No problem there, that's too much work. We went with the 'spray on temporary black hair color' rather than the wig, it was late and I didn't want to deal with trying to get it settled and brushed right. The spray gave a good mix of black and silver.
--- no pictures !!!!! -- I was fine all night until Lori took some pictures and I looked at them. Some old guy in drag .. no thank you. Killed my evening at that point. Good thing we were on the way home by then. The topper was getting home and realizing that I lost my drivers license at some point in the walk (I kept fishing out throat lozenges all night). I was wearing a smaller glitter bag and not my larger one as part of the costume.
Yesterday I wore jeans, sneakers, button up top, no makeup. I wasn't in dress up mood. Today I'm in a nice top and skirt. What a bunch of wishy-washy up-down-sideways days I've been having. I still don't feel like myself yet.
Hmm, I remember a moment but not what day. Lori and I were out and we stopped at IHOP to grab a bite. I was feeling a bit mediocre down and bummed. I was not dressed up at all. Mild make-up, hair tied back, jeans. We chatted a bit about whys and wherefores when out came the magic word .. the waitress referred to us as 'ladies' several times. That first one couldn't keep the grin off my face, Lori looked up at the same time and met my eyes with one of her own grins. Almost a full male-fail moment .. I'll get there.
I think that catches things up. Like I said, there is a lot going on in my head that I am not going to spew out, it's just too much to put words to.
I'll try to check in more often, no promises.
Take care everyone, thanks for caring
Faith
