Faith's Progress

[JudiBlueEyes]

I have to agree.  You may not be in good spirits but you look just fine.  I hope your headache is resolved soon. [hugs]
 

[Faith]

Just about held my lunch down . NO just kidding as you look lovely as usual, its a workday face . Mine is nowt to shout about when at work , covered it crap and lippy gone. Now go and believe in yourself , in fact stand in front of a mirror and repeat " I am beautiful " 10 times . Do I have to start handing out slaps???

I believe in myself, it's photos and mirrors that don't believe in me. and I can't "repeat " I am beautiful "". I have not so fond memories of biting into a bar of soap for lying ... or was that cussing ... probably a bit of both.

Well, let me comment than!
You look like a normal every day woman to me.  No makeup, just a normal face.  I still like your hair, I think it looks great!  That is the length I would like to have!

I keep wondering how to style it or cut it. Bangs or no bangs. So, it just keeps growing because I can't make up my mind. It's longer in the back. The front is short because I used to self-trim the bangs.
psst, there's makeup. I do try to go sparingly.

I have to agree.  You may not be in good spirits but you look just fine.  I hope your headache is resolved soon. [hugs]

I spent 10+ years of my life with constant daily headaches. It's been a year since I had one. I guess it's making up for lost time.

Thank you (all of you)

[randim]

For what it's worth Faith, I think you're being way too hard on yourself.  I do understand not liking what you see when you look in the mirror, but you've put work in to improve and it shows.  You look good.

[Faith]

For what it's worth Faith, I think you're being way too hard on yourself.  I do understand not liking what you see when you look in the mirror, but you've put work in to improve and it shows.  You look good.

Thank you.  Yes, I am getting better, sort of. People keep telling me the same thing so I am trying hard to see what they see. I do have a self-image problem apparently

btw, Welcome to my corner of Susan's

Faith

[Linde]

I spent 10+ years of my life with constant daily headaches. It's been a year since I had one. I guess it's making up for lost time.

Thank you (all of you)

Did anybody ever checked for the reason of those headaches?
And yes, you are a good looking woman, if your mirrors tell you a different story, something may be wrong with them!  You should not use the mirrors the use in those funny carnival setups that purposely distort people!

[LizK]

Thank you.  Yes, I am getting better, sort of. People keep telling me the same thing so I am trying hard to see what they see. I do have a self-image problem apparently

btw, Welcome to my corner of Susan's

Faith

We have been telling Faith for ages that her poor opinion of herself is something no one else shared we all think she looks fabulous [emoji3]


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[Faith]

We have been telling Faith for ages that her poor opinion of herself is something no one else shared we all think she looks fabulous [emoji3]

You hush up missy.

Hey! It's late enough now, I can say what I want. You're out of it for a while and won't be able to respond until it's too late ... I need to think of something

[Faith]

Today's update .. hmm. Well for one, I couldn't think of anything to poke Liz with. Root and Stem came to mind, I just couldn't get a handle on how to use them. All I could think of were good, non-punny, thoughts ... hrummph, It's depressing   I guess I'll have to leave the punny stuff for Kendra.

Feeling a little better today. My ears popped twice so pressure & congestion must be easing.

let's see
took another daily selfie (yes, I do it daily, you just don't get to see them) .. I had to delete it. My reflections weren't horrible but that photo, ick!

Oh, got a jury summons notice. I haven't been called to report yet. Part of me doesn't want to go (I know it's important, I just don't like it), part of me does .. so I can wear my skirt suit and get all dolled up. I want to see their expression when they check my ID

Lots of concerned thoughts for some of my friends here on Susan's .. even those that don't know I think about them.

Speaking of Susan's. I'm concerned for the forum. The whole feel of the site has changed in the past year, I can't put my finger on it. Maybe it's the reduced interaction with those that frequented the site when I first joined. I don't know.

That's it for now I think.

[KathyLauren]

Feeling a little better today.

...

Oh, got a jury summons notice. I haven't been called to report yet. Part of me doesn't want to go (I know it's important, I just don't like it), part of me does .. so I can wear my skirt suit and get all dolled up. I want to see their expression when they check my ID

I am glad you are feeling a bit better, Faith.

I have served on a jury once, pre-transition.  It was educational, seeing the justice system from the inside.  I would urge people not to try to get out of it.  Of course, your reasons are good ones, too!

[Linde]

I was on a jury twice, and both times I was elected to be foreman.  I liked the experience a lot.  In one of the cases it was my medical background with which I was able to convince some of the fellow jurors that a defendant was not guilty!
The state attorney had a medical expert witness, who was just telling medical bull>-bleeped-< to the jury!

[TonyaW]

Glad to see you feeling better.

  I totally understand you with the selfies and not seeing what others see.  I think yours look fine, and you say the same to me when I've posted a pic.

Occasionally I'll like what I see in the mirror but it never seems to translate if I take a picture of it. I know I tend to see my flaws first, and then if I take a picture its seems like I'm documenting them.

So how do we start to see what everyone else is telling us is there?







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[Faith]

I do sometimes, not all the time and not most of the time. I do, however, see her more than I used to. It used to be never.

I have two issues with mirrors and pictures
1) Seeing him
2) Seeing too much her, she looks fake, false, made up .. this is in certain photos. These I tend to think is because my mental picture of 'self' is still too far from reality.

I need to get my head together

Glad to see you feeling better.

  I totally understand you with the selfies and not seeing what others see.  I think yours look fine, and you say the same to me when I've posted a pic.

Occasionally I'll like what I see in the mirror but it never seems to translate if I take a picture of it. I know I tend to see my flaws first, and then if I take a picture its seems like I'm documenting them.

So how do we start to see what everyone else is telling us is there?

[Linde]

I do sometimes, not all the time and not most of the time. I do, however, see her more than I used to. It used to be never.

I have two issues with mirrors and pictures
1) Seeing him
2) Seeing too much her, she looks fake, false, made up .. this is in certain photos. These I tend to think is because my mental picture of 'self' is still too far from reality.

I need to get my head together

Or how about a new, realistic mirror,  one that will not distort your view? (inside your head)
Common lady, you look like one and you are one!

[Faith]

Hey Y'all. An email comment from Liz inspired me to stick my head in and give a brief update. Mostly copy/paste (sorry Liz, I'm lazy) from emails so those of you that stayed in touch will be quite familiar with it. Some of what I wrote is personal to the person I relayed it to so will be edited out. I'll try to clean it up.

TL:DR warning, I do not have a short version. If text walls scare you, move along, it's OK.


I broke down and created a Facebook account. I have officially doomed Facebook. They always fail once I join in.

12/27/2018 - Road Trip to Virginia
My brother and Lori's sister were welcoming, of course (finally engaged after 10 years). They both are trying very hard on names and pronouns. It'll take a while. My brother is almost 50 so he's known me for a while. My wife's sister moved in with us as she hit her teens and we raised her from there. I am/was a father figure to her. She's like an elder daughter.

Slight mood swings going on, I have it under control so far. Mostly dysphoric face/body type issues as per abnormal.

The plan was to spend New Year's Eve with them, well, we did that in the hospital room. Sister need a heart procedure to remove extra heartbeats that was interfering with proper operation. Her heart was down to below 40%. The Dr decided there was no time to wait and scheduled the procedure for the 31st. By the time we left, her heart was beating normally .. YAY!! New Year's Eve was still kind of fun, for us. Sister was drugged up, she said all kinds of amusing things. Even so, in her stupor, she asked 'Where's Faith?" I walked to the side of the bed and she said, "Faith, hi beautiful. How are you feeling?" I replied simply, "Better than you". I received a "shut your pie-hole" for that one. The point of that isn't that interaction, it's the fact that, in her stupor, she still called me Faith.

Overall we had a great time. They both,  my wife as well, tried very hard to get name and pronouns correct. My brother struggled when it was long distance. He said it really helped that I was there and he could actually see me. He didn't have any questions, I brought stuff up anyways because I knew it was bothering him. He got much more comfortable after a few easy talks. He called me his sister!!

Everyone here has been so awesome. I only lost one brother to 'personal reasons'. We rarely talk (like never). It's been over 15 years, I think, since we last spoke. I don't consider it a loss, there is history to it. I actually don't know if it's the transgender issue that is his personal reason. You know what, I don't care. I reached out, he rebuffed ... done. No more friends lost, although we hardly see any of the 'old crowd' any more. Work has been awesome! My co-workers are either fully accepting (majority) or quiet. I HAVE GIRL FRIENDS!! I have 4 that have taken me in to help me any way that they can. WOOOOOO!!!

Passing, remember all my 'don't pass' comments? Well, apparently, I'm the only one that I don't pass to. That nasty mirror keeps showing me 'old me'. New people see her (mostly) without questioning now. My voice is really my only downfall atm. I don't know if I'll work on it or not. My voice is almost all my wife has left of him

How I look, case in point. I went to post a picture of myself to show off my newly pierced ears .. OH .. HEY .. I GOT MY EARS PIERCED!!!! ... ahem ... I didn't like the photo, all I saw was 'him'. I showed it to my brother asked him about seeing a guy and he just looked and said, no .. not really ... My body continues to shift weight around to a more feminine look. I'll always have broader shoulder than hips, I'm almost at the point now that it doesn't matter. My wife told me that she likes guy butts and mine's a girl butt so she has to start looking at other guys butts. (not seriously, we are committed to each other). I did tell her that it was OK to look, I don't mind ... GIRL BUTT ... !!!

01/08/2019 - Back to the daily grind
Wednesday, around lunch time, I met up with someone I used to work with daily. She is very much a LBGQT (etc,etc, acronym) supporter. I am the first transgender in her circle of friends. She has some drag queen friends that she suspects are closet trans (or haven't realized it yet), I am the first openly trans. It was a very good talk. We covered a lot of the basics of how I 'discovered' myself and also got into some comparisons regarding the male/female emotional reaction differences. She caught up with me on Facebook. She said her jaw dropped when she saw the photos and realized who I was. Her first comment? Apparently I have awesome legs.

Today
You know the saying, there's no highs without lows, good/evil, nature's balance and all that. Today is a low. I have no explanation for it, I just want to crawl into a hole and hide. I try to think about all the good in my life and trust me, there's a lot of it. Still, the deep pit. Actually, I do know. Self-image. I am still fighting that demon. Everyone that I meet could say "What a beautiful woman" and I'd still feel like a woman trapped in an ugly-man-skin I don't know what to do with myself.

I fully believe in the 'I am who I am' still, there's days like today that take over and I lose a grip on myself.  Tomorrow will be a better day, heck, this afternoon might be better. The swings happen in an eye-blink

On the plus, I think, I get to switch to injections. The prescription is sent in, just waiting for it to be filled. Then it's an appointment to learn how to stab myself properly. It ends up about $27.00 more per month. I hope the benefits outweigh it. The risk of blot clot with the pills scares me.

That's all for now, time to dive into a sugar binge to make myself feel better

The summation is:
Plotting the downfall of Facebook
Visited family - acceptance
Pierced ears .. WOOOO
More gal friends .. WOOOO some more
Still lots of up and downs.
Hoping to get insurance that covers gender related services
switching to injections.
I guess there is a TL:DR but you had to scroll down to read it

I'm sure that I left some news out. Things get forgotten in time and for me that only takes a day.

hugs
Faith

[Sylvia]

Hi Faith

I was actually thinking about you today. Great to have an update.

Happy New Year (not too late to say that, is it?)

Syl xx

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Faith.  Thanks for the update.  And what a (mostly) great update it is!  You might have to get rid of those defective mirrors, but family acceptance, friends' acceptance, pierced ears, those are all good news!

[Katie Ellen]

Hi Faith!

It's good to see you back again. I have followed your progress since I joined Susun's a year ago. Mostly just observing though. We share a lot of the same issues, but you are much farther along that I am. I know it might not seem like it, but you are an inspiration to a lot of us. At least you are to me!

I can only hope to get as far along as you. I see "him" in the mirror and photos all the time!

So I guess I just want to say that I hope you come around more often and don't give up. It gives me hope!

Take care.

[tgirlamg]

Faith!!!

Good to see ya here!!! ...Onward We Go Brave Sister!!!

Hugs and Lotsa Love!!!

Ashley 🙋‍♀️💕🌸

[LizK]

Hey Y'all. An email comment from Liz inspired me to stick my head in and give a brief update. Mostly copy/paste (sorry Liz, I'm lazy) from emails so those of you that stayed in touch will be quite familiar with it. Some of what I wrote is personal to the person I relayed it to so will be edited out. I'll try to clean it up.



hugs
Faith

@Faith i am glad I inspired you to post....and i wouldn't be too concerened about the copy and paste as it doesn't matter to me because its all new information when you send it too me 

I owe youi a copy and paste back...but it been over 100F here the last two days and sitting oin my computer room is no fun at all in this heat...so maybe in a day or two 

Take care

Liz

[TonyaW]

Hey Faith

Congrats on the ear piercing.

Thanks for the update and hope things are better today.

Be well

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