Quote from: Faith on January 30, 2019, 07:44:42 AM
progress, it doesn't feel like it. I shouldn't even post but I need to get it out somewhere (and Facebook is NOT the place!!).
let's bullet point my current standings
1 - I cannot look at my face in photos for more the a few seconds at most, and that only with certain photos.
2 - I cannot look at full body photos ... at all
3 - NO MIRRORS!!!!!!!!!!!!
4 - I cannot accept or envision what other people say that they see. Oh, I accept that they see it, I cannot
5 - No insurance, none nada. Insurance to cover my needs is almost 2 grand a month. 1500 for limited coverage. Sure, work has cheap group - that covers almost nothing unless you're dying in the hospital. But that's enough to invalidate me for any government subsidy.
6 - This is bloat week, amongst other related issues .. highly emotional.
7 - I've been building up pressure inside, it came out last night. I had my first ever (I do mean ever) panic attack. I couldn't think, I could barely get out single words, I couldn't breathe then I hyperventilated. I beat my hands on my head, I rocked back and forth, I cried, I bawled, I sobbed. I couldn't stop.
8 - Lori hid all my jeans to prevent me from 'dressing down'. I'm at work in my last pair, which are hers, that have shiny rivets patterned all over them. I did manage to snag my oversize men's long sleeve shirt to cover up with
9 - I started to put on make-up this morning and wiped it off.
10 - my hair is tied back to hide it a bit
11 -
12 -
.... oh there's more, I have to stop
I don't belong here. The world doesn't want me to be me, why should I bother to try. Everything is stacked against me. I can't even cuss on here and I want to scream every word that I know
I have no faith
Dear Faith
I told one of my girl friends about our lunch last Saturday, and she asked what is her name, and I said Faith. She said what a beautiful name! I hope that you will introduce me to Faith one day, a person with this name must be beautiful!
And that is who you are, a beautiful looking older woman (and I still wish I would have your hair). I sat across from you for several hours last Saturday, and all I saw was a good looking woman, with gorgeous hair and very soft, feminine facial features.
You are a woman, you can try to tell yourself whatever, you are still a woman and still look like one! I am not know to do sweet talk (after all, I am German), I say it as I see it!
I personally see nothing wrong in playing a man once in a while, I played it for so long, it is a role I am well versed in.
I went around as a guy for the last two days, because being a guy those two days was beneficial for certain things I wanted to achieve. I know that many trans woman can't do this as easy as I can, but I wonder if this would ease your pain a little?
??
What makes you think that the world does not want you? I enjoyed your company a lot and hope that we can meet each other many more times! After all, older girls like us have to stick together!
You belong into this world as much as I do belong in it, and I feel very well embedded in it!
Just stop he negative thoughts already, and be the lovely lady again who I meet last Saturday! There are always ways to figure it out and do it!
I like you a lot, and hope that we can become real good girl friends!
Hugs
Linde
