Faith's Progress

[Faith]

  I woke up this morning got ready for work. I managed a bit of mascara before I stopped.  I put on my comfy skirt and top .. it would have been jeans and shirt except, for some reason, I don't have any jeans. The drive to work was long and dark, figuratively. I made it to work early, no make-up is a time saver. With nothing to do all I had was to sit there and dwell on my own thoughts. I didn't have any specific ones, my mind drifted .. down .. down .. I kept fighting back tears. Wander around, think dark thoughts, try not to break down.
  Around 8:30a Sarah1972 (sorry, mentions don't work) sent me an email checking on me, expressing worry. I almost replied fine, then I didn't and replied with the truth. 'SHE' was missing, 'HE' wasn't in there either. I was drifting in nothing in darkness. 'HE' is there in the mirror, 'SHE' is nowhere to be found.
  I managed 5 hours before texting my wife asking if I could come home. Asking, like I needed permission. I just couldn't take it any more. Of course she said yes. She was at the car shop. I met her there to go to lunch. We talked a bit over lunch, mostly how I felt. No details (public place). It still helped. I communicated with Sarah a bit at the same time.
  Lunch was over, go to the register to pay for it .. I get ma'am'd Caught a waiter looking at me .. I'd really like to know what people are thinking sometimes. Well, maybe not.

We wandered some shops after lunch. No purchasing just time spent with my lady. I even managed an accidental dial to Sarah. I got to her hear voice for a few seconds before the signal cut out.

I'm feeling better thanks to Sarah and Lori. I don't know how long it will last. I'm pretty sure this time of the month has compounded an already unstable mood.

TGIF

[sarah1972]

My dear Faith -

It is heartbreaking reading this post. It sometimes feels the "old" us does not want to leave without a little fight and this can be very challenging. All we can hope is that these visits will become less and less frequent.

The time of the months - yes, that can certainly play a big role. I am more than surprised how much of impact hormones have and how much levels change during the months. You may want to look if this does line up with some of your previous dark times. Are you cycling progesterone? Or using injection Estrogen? Cycling these can much more simulate the hormonal levels of cis women, with some of the difficulties associated. If you do cycle progesterone you could talk to your doctor about taking them every day to maybe relieve some of the symptoms.

I am so glad Lori was there to catch you today. And I am sure being ma'am'd has put a smile on your face.

We are often our own worst critics - which is surprising, in the past at least I did not care about my appearance.

I hope you will get better soon and I am glad you reached out.

Hugs,

Sarah

  I woke up this morning got ready for work. I managed a bit of mascara before I stopped.  I put on my comfy skirt and top .. it would have been jeans and shirt except, for some reason, I don't have any jeans. The drive to work was long and dark, figuratively. I made it to work early, no make-up is a time saver. With nothing to do all I had was to sit there and dwell on my own thoughts. I didn't have any specific ones, my mind drifted .. down .. down .. I kept fighting back tears. Wander around, think dark thoughts, try not to break down.
  Around 8:30a Sarah1972 (sorry, mentions don't work) sent me an email checking on me, expressing worry. I almost replied fine, then I didn't and replied with the truth. 'SHE' was missing, 'HE' wasn't in there either. I was drifting in nothing in darkness. 'HE' is there in the mirror, 'SHE' is nowhere to be found.
  I managed 5 hours before texting my wife asking if I could come home. Asking, like I needed permission. I just couldn't take it any more. Of course she said yes. She was at the car shop. I met her there to go to lunch. We talked a bit over lunch, mostly how I felt. No details (public place). It still helped. I communicated with Sarah a bit at the same time.
  Lunch was over, go to the register to pay for it .. I get ma'am'd Caught a waiter looking at me .. I'd really like to know what people are thinking sometimes. Well, maybe not.

We wandered some shops after lunch. No purchasing just time spent with my lady. I even managed an accidental dial to Sarah. I got to her hear voice for a few seconds before the signal cut out.

I'm feeling better thanks to Sarah and Lori. I don't know how long it will last. I'm pretty sure this time of the month has compounded an already unstable mood.

TGIF

[Donica]

Sorry I haven't been visiting your thread for the past two weeks Faith. As you may have heard, I've been a bit busy taking care of Ava. She is getting better to her normal routine. I hope you are well girl [emoji3590]. I'll catch up soon.

Hugs,
Donica.

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[Faith]

Sorry I haven't been visiting your thread for the past two weeks Faith. As you may have heard, I've been a bit busy taking care of Ava. She is getting better to her normal routine. I hope you are well girl [emoji3590]. I'll catch up soon.

Hugs,
Donica.

no apologies necessary. Take care of your friend. nothing going on for me but depression and moodiness. no one wants to hear all my dark thoughts. I doubt that I could put it into words in any case. I can sum up some of it ... 'I'll never be me'

[Linde]

no apologies necessary. Take care of your friend. nothing going on for me but depression and moodiness. no one wants to hear all my dark thoughts. I doubt that I could put it into words in any case. I can sum up some of it ... 'I'll never be me'

Lighten up girl!  Remember, you have friends who very much feel that "you are you"! (I still would want to sneak up on you and steal your hair!)

[Faith]

if hair was all it took I wouldn't feel this miserable. I have no control over my thoughts. Distractions are the only things that work, too bad they don't solve anything. Every morning starts dark fighting my way to something, anything to shed some light. Then the day is over and the dark comes. Do it all again.

[TonyaW]

if hair was all it took I wouldn't feel this miserable. I have no control over my thoughts. Distractions are the only things that work, too bad they don't solve anything. Every morning starts dark fighting my way to something, anything to shed some light. Then the day is over and the dark comes. Do it all again.

But its Faith that gets to do it all again. It wasn't always like that and am I correct in thinking that is part of the problem?

You said this once

Yes, I'm Faith. I know it with every fiber of my being.

So go out and be Faith, its who you are.
Every morning tell yourself "I get to be Faith today".



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[Faith]

But its Faith that gets to do it all again

Yes, that's true. Faith is in charge. Even when she feels lost, he's nowhere to be found. The nothing is hard sometimes, at least I know that the nothing will be filled up with her.

You said this once

Yes, I'm Faith. I know it with every fiber of my being.

Yes I am, Yes I do.

So go out and be Faith, its who you are.
Every morning tell yourself "I get to be Faith today".

Faith ... yes, always Faith. That's not where the darkness is though. No woman in the mirror, no Faith in the mirror.  No woman in the physicals. My body is a lie, a sham, hide it behind pretty stuff .. doesn't help, my mind knows whats in there.

Actually, I feel a little better tonight. The pattern is still holding, dark in the morning, fight my way out, start all over the next morning.

I stopped my progesterone. I need to see if it is aggravating my depressed thoughts with moodiness. It started to get real bad at the same time I started taking it ... coincidence? We'll see.

[Faith]

on another note (thus I made an extra post). I took my second injection tonight. The needles are 1.5" long O.O The one I used the first time was only 1". I switched to an extra 1" that I had, I'll send them a question about the longer ones. I have skinny legs.

Here's hoping it kicks in good for a better day tomorrow

[Jessica]

on another note (thus I made an extra post). I took my second injection tonight. The needles are 1.5" long O.O The one I used the first time was only 1". I switched to an extra 1" that I had, I'll send them a question about the longer ones. I have skinny legs.

Here's hoping it kicks in good for a better day tomorrow

Faith!  I'm a needlephobe.  I can't even look at them on the tv.  You certainly are braver than I am! 

Oof!
Hugs and smiles from a California girl

[Linde]

I stopped my progesterone. I need to see if it is aggravating my depressed thoughts with moodiness. It started to get real bad at the same time I started taking it ... coincidence? We'll see.

Do you use spiro?  I have the feeling that it makes me lethargic and kind of listless.  After my lab results I know now that I don't need it to block testosterone (one can't block stuff that is not there), but I seem to still need an diuretic, and want to switch from spiro to something different.
I thought, if you use spiro, it might have a negative mood effect on you, too?

[steph2.0]

Faith!  I'm a needlephobe.

Me too! Since I've switched to E injections, I haven't yet had to stick myself. I have a girlfriend who's happy to stab me, Kendra did it in Spain, and the nurses at my doctors office have done it a few times. I really need to get used to doing it myself, but I used to pass out when they'd draw blood, so it won't be an easy thing to learn to do.

Stephanie

[Jessica]

Me too! Since I've switched to E injections, I haven't yet had to stick myself. I have a girlfriend who's happy to stab me, Kendra did it in Spain, and the nurses at my doctors office have done it a few times. I really need to get used to doing it myself, but I used to pass out when they'd draw blood, so it won't be an easy thing to learn to do.

Stephanie

Me too!
Once at an examination I felt light headed because my Dr. was talking about me needing a blood test (unrelated to hrt).  He sped me off to the hospital in an ambulance thinking I was having a heart attack.  He called my wife, who asked "were you talking about needles?"  That's all it was.

Oof!

Now I have to just turn my head and close my eyes.

[Faith]

The hardest part is thinking about it.
Gather things up, the vial, the syringe with needle, the needle to draw the dosage out, alcohol wipes.

Clean your hands, swab the area, swap needles, draw your dosage, swap needles back ... Lots of time to think.

Then stab, squeeze, done. Nothing to it.

 

[Jessica]

The hardest part is thinking about it.
Gather things up, the vial, the syringe with needle, the needle to draw the dosage out, alcohol wipes.

Clean your hands, swab the area, swap needles, draw your dosage, swap needles back ... Lots of time to think.

Then stab, squeeze, done. Nothing to it.

 

Aaaack!

[steph2.0]

Aaaack!

[TonyaW]

Yes, that's true. Faith is in charge. Even when she feels lost, he's nowhere to be found. The nothing is hard sometimes, at least I know that the nothing will be filled up with her.

Yes I am, Yes I do.

Faith ... yes, always Faith. That's not where the darkness is though. No woman in the mirror, no Faith in the mirror.  No woman in the physicals. My body is a lie, a sham, hide it behind pretty stuff .. doesn't help, my mind knows whats in there.

Actually, I feel a little better tonight. The pattern is still holding, dark in the morning, fight my way out, start all over the next morning.

I stopped my progesterone. I need to see if it is aggravating my depressed thoughts with moodiness. It started to get real bad at the same time I started taking it ... coincidence? We'll see.

Funny, I'm usually pretty good in the morning and if I have issues its later at night. 

I had depression issues first go on the progesterone. I was taking the cheap not as good medroxyprogesterone tablets though.  I've not had those issues in two months on the micronized progesterone capsules.

on another note (thus I made an extra post). I took my second injection tonight. The needles are 1.5" long O.O The one I used the first time was only 1". I switched to an extra 1" that I had, I'll send them a question about the longer ones. I have skinny legs.

Here's hoping it kicks in good for a better day tomorrow

1&1/2 inch needles were the standard when I was giving flu shots. We saved the one inch needles for the tiny little old ladies.

And for you needlephobes,

I'd always get some joker trying tell me they were allergic to needles. I'd tell them too bad, cause if they had a reaction I was going to stick them two more times with EpiPens.

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[Faith]

I belatedly passed out after giving myself the shot. It was about 11 PM. Good thing I was in bed already.
...... hmm, where's the walk-away-n-whistle emoji? .....


bad humor, it's an escape of mine. I seem to have a lot to try to escape recently. I could only take a glimpse of my full face this morning .. I looked old. I know, I am old. I mean I looked oooooollllldah.

Full body, nope, didn't even try. No point in pressing my luck. I don't feel quite as bad this morning (except a severe pressure headache) and I didn't want to spiral. It's not like my body shape miraculously changed while I was sleeping .. err .. passed out.

Typical evening last night, we walked, talked, picked up the grandbaby (not a baby anymore really, she's 2.5 yrs and a terror). We took her home for bedtime. We were going to walk some more but the evening got away from us. Which means, yep, I'm still fat. I need to lose 8-10 lbs. Instead it's hanging on my belly like a pregnant woman. Can't wear anything slinky!! ewwww !!!!

What ...? no body shaming? It's my body. I can shame myself if I want to.

I'm going to try to go to the park tonight, play some music. It's a plan for now, we'll see what the afternoon brings.

[sarah1972]

I'll team up with you on the weight loss. I have to lose double your goal....

I was made aware of it when a random person on the street walked up to me and congratulated me on awaiting my second child (I was walking with my daughter).

Then again during my mammogram they asked 3 times if I could be pregnant...

We have to keep in mind that we go through the same body image issues than a girl in puberty: breast to small, to fat and more. It is hard to accept yourself...

I hope your day turns out better!

Hugs,

Sarah

[steph2.0]

I belatedly passed out after giving myself the shot. It was about 11 PM. Good thing I was in bed already.

Uh huh. I see what you did there.

I hate it when someone asks me how I slept. I don't know, I was unconscious!

I'm going to try to go to the park tonight, play some music. It's a plan for now, we'll see what the afternoon brings.

Rock on, momma! From what I hear, you'll be among friends. Music and accepting people are a hard combination to beat.

Stephanie