I managed to play some music last night. Struggled a bit remembering some of the songs. I haven't played that long so it's not ingrained like it is for those playing 50+ years. I started playing bass at, hmm, +-52? I'm 58 now with intermittent playing, not everyday.
I stayed to the back and stuck to just playing. They asked if I was going to sing, I said no. They write names on a board for turns and I knew they'd write the wrong name. I did sing one song at the end of the evening because Lori had come by and was sitting right in front - mistake. Not the singing, I guess I still do that OK, no it was the name announce, several times, prior to getting up .. ARRRGGGHHH ... I fell apart. I barely made it to the end of the song, botched the tag line. I was shaking so badly that I could hardly play the last song.
Back up
When I first got there ... I was sitting on my tailgate (subaru baja) waiting for people. One friend sauntered over. Well, saunter is a loose term he's over 90 and struggles walking. Anyways, he comes over to say Hi, how's it going guy. I replied simply with 'guy doesn't really fit. He goes, yeah, I know. What name you want to be called .. Faith .. it's hard. He asked about surgery - eyes widened when I told him the cost. We chatted a bit more before he walked off. He called me Faith many times that evening. What's that about old dogs? Some old dogs are smart.
Any of you remember creepy hugger? ... Well, he came up to me as I was setting up and said hi. I just said OK. He wandered off then wandered back a few minutes later to tell me not to worry about what others might say, be myself. I told him that I don't have any issues with anyone there except they use the wrong name. He said, "I've known you as John and that's what I'm going to call you". I replied simple, "If you call me John, I won't answer or listen. John is the name that I was given, Faith is who I am. I prefer to be called Faith". He had no answer.
Lori was approached by a mutual friend that also sings, she's older as well. She asked Lori point blank what I preferred to be called. She's never had a problem with me, I wonder why she didn't ask me. Afraid of insulting me, I guess.
Three down, thousands ... hundreds? ... a few to go.
As for the name trigger, I managed to get it under control before I got home rather than let it eat at me. Progress, I think. When I first came out to Lori, and first reading the forums, I could not understand why people were having such a problem with deadnames and pronouns. I've learned the hard way. I never thought that it would bother me so much. It can be devastating.
I'm not so miserable today. Not bouncy happy, not miserable. It's a start.
Without going into story details (sarah1972 knows
), apparently from the back I "
look mighty fine"
O.O
