Faith's Progress

[LizK]

Hi Faith

Meryl is often heard complaining about things she is unhappy about with her face or body and these are things I don't actually think are a problem. She has said to me in the past about things I complain about telling me I am too hard on myself. Sometimes it's easy to be hyper critical of ourselves, picking on things others just don't see.

I am glad your friend was able to put this in perspective for you...even if you look at your worse case scenario that you have some features that are masculine looking it does mean you are a guy....because you are not! It's easy to dismiss compliments from your friend here as hug-boxing when in actuality they are just being truthful.

hope you are feeling fabulous

Liz


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Donica]

no comment

You know I have to say it. Because it's true. Comment: Gorgeous!

[Donica]

Thank you ladies. I don't need to tell you, maybe I do and I will, how hard it is to leave my photos up. My mind keeps going to my hosting service to remove them.


I almost didn't log in today, I am feeling very isolated, alone, and anti-social. I have one thing that is really getting me down, and I cannot share it. I do have a couple things to share that are good and positive.

First, from Sunday. We took a lunch to my younger daughter. We took her daughter with us (almost 3). We were in the break room when nature called. While I was away my daughter asked. "Where'd she go?".  Lori answered, "Right here" referring to our granddaughter. My daughter says, "No, I mean Dad, where'd she go?". To our knowledge that is the first time my younger daughter has used feminine pronouns for me.

Second, I came in to work today only to find something waiting for me on my desk. The hunt begins to find out who put it there.

<<<SQUEEEE>>>. How sweet Faith! I'm thinking either Lori or your gal friend/co-worker put the pillow on your desk? I'm sure it wasn't the butler in the ballroom with the candlestick  . A wonderful gesture. They love you Faith. And so do we cause your such a loveable person.

[Faith]

Hi Faith

Meryl is often heard complaining about things she is unhappy about with her face or body and these are things I don't actually think are a problem. She has said to me in the past about things I complain about telling me I am too hard on myself. Sometimes it's easy to be hyper critical of ourselves, picking on things others just don't see.

I am glad your friend was able to put this in perspective for you...even if you look at your worse case scenario that you have some features that are masculine looking it does mean you are a guy....because you are not! It's easy to dismiss compliments from your friend here as hug-boxing when in actuality they are just being truthful.

hope you are feeling fabulous

Liz

HIYA LIZ!!!!!!

Fabulous? As in upbeat? yes Does it help to know that cis gals have some of the same issues .. no, I'd rather no one felt them    If you mean fabulous as in pretty/gorgeous ... no, never. However, today was a no makeup day .. none, nada, no mascara, no BB cream, no powder, no blush, nothing. She made many comments about how smooth and healthy looking that my skin was .. as compared to before? No I think just in general. So her 'very feminine' comments were all bare-faced. Purple hair doesn't count, which she loved btw. Oh, Donica, yes, it has faded to lavender already. Still very obvious.

You know I have to say it. Because it's true. Comment: Gorgeous!

<<<SQUEEEE>>>. How sweet Faith! I'm thinking either Lori or your gal friend/co-worker put the pillow on your desk? I'm sure it wasn't the butler in the ballroom with the candlestick  . A wonderful gesture. They love you Faith. And so do we cause your such a loveable person.

Nope, as it turns out it was no one on my list. It was the HR lady, whom I thought was rather unaccepting even though it's her job to be impartial (she's not, and quite the gossip!). Ye sit was a very nice gesture.

Now, time to shower. Lori made me work when I got home ... ick .. dusty, itchy.

Hugs everyone
Faith

[LizK]

Fabulous as in feeling....happy, positive, upbeat, enjoying the moment

synonyms:   

tremendous, stupendous, prodigious, phenomenal; extraordinary, remarkable, exceptional; astounding, amazing, astonishing, fantastic, breathtaking, overwhelming, staggering, unthinkable, inconceivable, unimaginable, incredible, unbelievable, unheard of, unthought of, unspeakable, unutterable, untold, ineffable, implausible, improbable, unlikely, impossible, undreamed of, beyond one's wildest dreams, beyond the realm of reason; informalmind-boggling, mind-blowing, amazeballs


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Faith]

Fabulous as in feeling....happy, positive, upbeat, enjoying the moment

synonyms:   

tremendous, stupendous, prodigious, phenomenal; extraordinary, remarkable, exceptional; astounding, amazing, astonishing, fantastic, breathtaking, overwhelming, staggering, unthinkable, inconceivable, unimaginable, incredible, unbelievable, unheard of, unthought of, unspeakable, unutterable, untold, ineffable, implausible, improbable, unlikely, impossible, undreamed of, beyond one's wildest dreams, beyond the realm of reason; informalmind-boggling, mind-blowing, amazeballs

OHHHH, fantabulous

yep

[Donica]

HIYA LIZ!!!!!!

Fabulous? As in upbeat? yes Does it help to know that cis gals have some of the same issues .. no, I'd rather no one felt them    If you mean fabulous as in pretty/gorgeous ... no, never. However, today was a no makeup day .. none, nada, no mascara, no BB cream, no powder, no blush, nothing. She made many comments about how smooth and healthy looking that my skin was .. as compared to before? No I think just in general. So her 'very feminine' comments were all bare-faced. Purple hair doesn't count, which she loved btw. Oh, Donica, yes, it has faded to lavender already. Still very obvious.
 


Nope, as it turns out it was no one on my list. It was the HR lady, whom I thought was rather unaccepting even though it's her job to be impartial (she's not, and quite the gossip!). Ye sit was a very nice gesture.

Now, time to shower. Lori made me work when I got home ... ick .. dusty, itchy.

Hugs everyone
Faith

Wow!!! Who would have thought that! You have good people that do care about you. Kudos!

Sent from my XT1585 using Tapatalk

[Faith]

Still struggling overall. Last night was emotionally bad. I tried very hard not to show it, Lori knew. My attention would wander into space, my smile would fade, and tears would burn the back of my eyelids just waiting for release - I wouldn't let them out. Throughout the day I had to pay careful attention to my breathing as it tended to become short and fast - for me, an indication of anxiety.

While I was fighting this mood, feeling, whatever, I met up with Lori after a Dr visit for a quick dinner. Of course, the first thing said to me included sir. That didn't sit well, I did mange to say "I'm not a sir" and she (waitress) shifted pronouns without missing a beat .. too late, damage done.

I managed to put on make-up this morning, first time in 3 days, 4 days? Pink top and black skirt. I wore jeans the past couple days. I told myself, 'feel better, share a photo'. Well I took the photo(s). They're still in my phone at least, I didn't delete them. Only one of them in focus anyways, I think I was shaking a bit. I'd make some sort of derogatory comment but I'd just get yelled at.

yeah, that's it. I think I'm done typing for a while

[Faith]

I'm still not in a good place, I have a reason. A few close to me have reached out and they know, I will not share it here.

It has my gut knotted up, humiliation, shame, fear, frustration, anger. I've reached out for legal recourse via email, I've not heard back. I will follow-up with a phone call first thing next week.

I am staying quiet otherwise concerning it, My name-change hearing is Apr 16. I have my Dr letter. I will get to Social Security and DMV as soon as is feasible to make name and gender marker changes. Then I will be more comfortable being more vocal even though such steps are unnecessary to proceed.

[Linde]

I'm still not in a good place, I have a reason. A few close to me have reached out and they know, I will not share it here.

It has my gut knotted up, humiliation, shame, fear, frustration, anger. I've reached out for legal recourse via email, I've not heard back. I will follow-up with a phone call first thing next week.

I am staying quiet otherwise concerning it, My name-change hearing is Apr 16. I have my Dr letter. I will get to Social Security and DMV as soon as is feasible to make name and gender marker changes. Then I will be more comfortable being more vocal even though such steps are unnecessary to proceed.

Talking about frustration with the system!  i called yesterday, to check what is going on, because hey told me I don't need a hearing.  I was told that the judgement is signed.  I asked If I could come and pick it up, and was told that this does not work!  it will be mailed to me and I would get it the next week or the week after!  This stupid courthouse is 20 miles away from me and it could take 2 weeks to get the judgement???

I need the thing to change my drivers license/ID.  I have a the required letter of my therapist, and those bureaucrats hold me hostage!
I am concerned, because my ID does not even remotely the way I look!  What is if I am controlled, the cops cannot identify me, and on top of it I have a none US accent?  Will I be booked and thrown in a male holding pen for 48 hours?  I bet some of the guys in there would be pretty happy about that!
For the first time in all those years I live in the US, I am concerned about my possible well being!
I need to use the car for any place I want to go, we do not have public transportation around here!

[Rachel]

Faith, I am sorry you are not feeling good. I understand your anxiety about coming out. I is very difficult and occupies a lot of our time.

You can not control what another person thinks or does. You can only control how you think and your feelings about who you are. Being trans and coming out and expressing is a huge step. You will get through it. Some will stand by your side and others will distance themselves.

I had several people betray my trust. I thought they were friends that could keep a secret. I was wrong. Others had told me that once I disclose ( and ask it be a secret) it will become common knowledge. They are right. I was hurt by the betrayal but then reframed the thoughts. They helped me to rip the bandaids off. People were going to find out.

The feeling of embarrassment. I reframed that too, 1/2 the world are female. There are a lot of female stereotypes and it is bull poop. There are trans stereotypes they are bull poop too. Just like there are male stereotypes.

I am very happy living my life female. There are differences and similarities with the past. Overall all for the better.  It takes years to assimilate and be yourself.

Remember to breath and tell yourself you can do this.

[Donica]

Congratulations Faith! Definitely keep up with the name and gender change process, especially after visiting the SSA. They tend to drop the ball a lot.

Hugs! 

[Faith]

Since it appears that things have settled appropriately, and I'm feeling better now, I'll fill you all in.

Last week I received this email at work:

Faith,
It has been brought to our attention that you have been utilizing the ladies' restroom.

We have provided two unisex restrooms on the first floor that are available for you to use.
Thank you for your understanding and cooperation.

To say it bothered me is an understatement. I made a quick reply that evening, then stewed about it all weekend.

Thank you for letting me know that people at -insert my company here- are not as understanding and supportive as I had been led to believe. One of the medications that I take for health does not always make a trip downstairs feasible. I shall try to contain my natural functions until such a time that it won't offend anyone. Hopefully I make it without embarrassing myself when the need arises.

While legally unnecessary, I placed a copy of my Dr letter stating "Gender Identity - Female" on the desk of HR (I have a master key). I also reached out to two firms that specialize in labor law/transgender/discrimination issues.

Today I received another email from work:

Faith

Thank you for your email, and for providing the doctor's note regarding your change of gender designation. Please know that we are trying to be understanding and supportive not only to you, but to all xxxxxdd employees, and we certainly did not intend to make you feel otherwise. This is a learning experience for us, and while we may not be perfect, I can assure you we are doing our best.

Please feel free to use the ladies' restrooms or the unisex restrooms, whichever is more comfortable for you. If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to reach out to me.

Regards

To say that lightened my mood is more of an understatement. Now, I'm not stupid. I know that they sent the emails and my letter to their lawyer who probably told them "discrimination lawsuit" ... so they caved. I don't care really. Sometimes people need their world shook up.

Interesting point. The HR lady signed her name on the first emails. Subsequent emails did not. One of my first assumptions was that she was the person that took issue with my use of the ladies room. I believe that she got her hand slapped.

I typed out a long reply, there's no need to post it. It was mostly about preferring the private rooms anyways (I do) and that I'm available to answers questions to help alleviate concerns.

[Rachel]

Faith, I am glad it worked out for you.

When I came out HR paid me a visit and one part of the conversation they said I can use the woman's bathroom or unisex bathrooms but if I use the men's room I would receive disciplinary action. I never thought about that, but why would I want to use the men's room. HR had no clue what to say or do, they admitted that to me. They expected a lot of work place issues. There were none.

Rachel

[sarah1972]

Hello Faith,

this is just fantastic news. Reading your difficulties over the weekend made me really worried and I am happy for you regarding this outcome.

There is still hope in the world!

Hugs,

Sarah

[TonyaW]

That's much better.  Hope you pointed out to them that anyone that had issues with you using the ladies is also able to use the unisex.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

[Faith]

That's much better.  Hope you pointed out to them that anyone that had issues with you using the ladies is also able to use the unisex.

No, I should have. I did think it and then left it out of my reply. I left the communication door open for more.
for example:

I am also always open to questions about being transgender. There is a lot of misunderstanding and misinformation out there. I have no problem with one on one education.
Short answer is, treat the transgender person the same as their identity because that is who they are. For me that's as a woman.

There is still lots of ground to cover. I don't like the idea of legal action against the company for the actions of a couple employees. They got corrected, hopefully that's enough. I will let a lawyer guide me on it, if they ever return my call. The fact that one of the people in question was the HR lady bothers me, then again, everyone knows what she's like. I don't know how she still has a job here. I guarantee you that she sent out the first letter without approval and got into big trouble for it.

[Faith]

Faith, I am glad it worked out for you.

When I came out HR paid me a visit and one part of the conversation they said I can use the woman's bathroom or unisex bathrooms but if I use the men's room I would receive disciplinary action. I never thought about that, but why would I want to use the men's room. HR had no clue what to say or do, they admitted that to me. They expected a lot of work place issues. There were none.

Rachel

ick! no men's room for me. urinals are unsightly, unsanitary and should be illegal. Then to walk past one 'in use' to get to the stall?  No Thank You !!!!!!!

Hello Faith,

this is just fantastic news. Reading your difficulties over the weekend made me really worried and I am happy for you regarding this outcome.

There is still hope in the world!

Hugs,

Sarah

Sarah!! counting down quickly

[TonyaW]

No, I should have. I did think it and then left it out of my reply. I left the communication door open for more.
for example:
There is still lots of ground to cover. I don't like the idea of legal action against the company for the actions of a couple employees. They got corrected, hopefully that's enough. I will let a lawyer guide me on it, if they ever return my call. The fact that one of the people in question was the HR lady bothers me, then again, everyone knows what she's like. I don't know how she still has a job here. I guarantee you that she sent out the first letter without approval and got into big trouble for it.

Sounds as if she sent the first email using her position in HR to make it look official.  It looks like things are set straight and  right, no reason to pursue any legal action at this time. Glad to hear it has worked out.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

[Faith]

In this day and age .... I shake my head ....

I spoke directly with the big boss, privately. I also spoke to HR afterwards. I've concluded that the whole thing played out because of ignorance and misunderstanding, not any form of maliciousness or discrimination. I reiterated my offer to educate and answer questions. I doubt it'll be taken advantage of. Better to stay ignorant in their minds I suppose.

To be fair, the 'BB' was very open when speaking, I answered in kind. Communication was there and a desire not to offend. Which makes the quiet refusal for more information rather confusing. He did give me an offhand compliment when I said I was trying very hard to present as the woman that I am. He said, "You're doing a good job of it" O.O

When he talked about trying to understand and work through things because it's 'all new' to them. I wanted to ask him, "Do you honestly think that I am the only transgender employee here"? I did not, I did not want to risk exposure of the quiet segment.

I'm over that part of things now.

What continues to bother me are the complaints. These are people I work with, spoken with, know what I'm going through yet still see me as 'a guy in a dress' and didn't want to share the restroom with me. My 'true' gal friends were just as disbelieving. Rather direct in their descriptions  .. I'll leave that as 'stupid'. I was told to ignore the complainers and to use the restroom on their (friends) side of the building (same floor)

To not be seen as who I am hurts.


oh ok, here, have a very early this morning photo. It's very rough