Increase in dysphoria from CD

[Izzy Grace]

I hesitated to post this. It's bringing on a bout of doubt and shame, which I really thought I was past.

You might remember my other thread. I shaved off all my body hair, except my arms and I veet from just behind the oysters to the top of the... seam. I wear tummy control top panties. I do this under my daily male clothes. When I can, alone, I wear everything.

For some reason, I can shave any part of my body and not have issues really, except the patch between the bottom of my belly and where my (still male) genitalia starts and to the diagonal sides where my legs meet my pelvis. This patch gets horrible ingrown hairs and rash. Maybe its the friction between bands on clothes or...? So, I had to stop wearing the panties under my clothes for a bit because the elastics were exacerbating that area. I'm trying to let everything calm down so I can try to shave it again, and it's longer so I recently started dressing again.

When I am crossdressing, I feel like there is all this heat coming off me and I feel ugly and embarrassed. My maleness and male parts really bother me recently when I try be more feminine. My voice, hair, size... They never use to but... this is really frustrating... 

I am super excited to get new things and wear them... but then it just feels like, when I am dressed (especially tucking) everything male about me is magnified 1000X. Like it feels like it just points a red blinking bright sign at my maleness. Then I feel more uncomfortable than I ever have in my life ever and very self depricating. I feel like a monster.

[amberwaves]

That is a tough problem.  I don't shave (or veet or epilate etc) my pubic area because I get horrible ingrowns and razor burn and all the unpleasantness.  I get one day of smooth and about 2 weeks of discomfort.  This is regardless of product, after care, method, etc.  It's just the way my skin is.  You may be similar.

I epilate everything else and just try to keep that area as trimmed as possible.  The rest of my skin adapted over time (upper thighs and chest still break out occasionally).  I just can't go through the process for my nethers.  Too much effort for something only my wife and I see.

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[Roll]

I think it is the unfortunate nature of contrast, the women's cut and styles accentuate features we'd rather not have. I feel the same way with some of the clothes I bought, and I keep going back to one or two articles of clothing that I've found a bit more flattering. The way my fat sits on my waist, the lack of breasts softening the ribs, the freakin' hair on the body and lack of hair on the head...

Fortunately, a lot of the things that I and probably you too are worried about are actually solvable, and just takes time.

I've seen a lot of people say they were over the doubt and shame only to have it come roaring back, and I know that's been the case for me. (I may tend not to show it since when I get in that mood I just go take depression naps  ) The good news there is that I don't think it is forever, and it is a matter of just getting over the hump and being able to see in yourself what you are looking for consistently.

So many things that used to not bother me, or that I'd take pride in even, are suddenly my worst enemy since I came out to myself. (Conversely, some of the things that used to bother me are now things I am grateful for. As a male, I am the shortest of my close family at 5'10, while everyone else is over 6 and then some. I used to hate that. Now, not so much.) It's amazing what happens when you open those floodgates.

[Dena]

For now what might help is getting a hair clipper and cutting the hair short but not shaving it. Most hair clippers come with shims that allow you to control the length of the cut. You might not need a shim or you might be able to get by with the smallest one.

[Izzy Grace]

Sorry folks, I've had a rough few days...

That is a tough problem.  I don't shave (or veet or epilate etc) my pubic area because I get horrible ingrowns and razor burn and all the unpleasantness.  I get one day of smooth and about 2 weeks of discomfort.  This is regardless of product, after care, method, etc.  It's just the way my skin is.  You may be similar.

I epilate everything else and just try to keep that area as trimmed as possible.  The rest of my skin adapted over time (upper thighs and chest still break out occasionally).  I just can't go through the process for my nethers.  Too much effort for something only my wife and I see.

I havent tried epilating. Thats where i was going next, this is a lot of shaving for every 3 days lol. Maybe though I rememebr??? Epilating affects Laser and Electro? Hmmm...

Tend skin seems to work well, when i can actually use it right. Hello!? Read the bottle. I was only doing the nethers because my hair really bothers me and I want to get used to tucking. Chances are I wont be able to get SRS for a long time and I like leggings, tights and dresses, etc... lol.

I think I really need to start accepting, better than i am now, that I cant have everything right now.

I think it is the unfortunate nature of contrast, the women's cut and styles accentuate features we'd rather not have. I feel the same way with some of the clothes I bought, and I keep going back to one or two articles of clothing that I've found a bit more flattering. The way my fat sits on my waist, the lack of breasts softening the ribs, the freakin' hair on the body and lack of hair on the head...

Fortunately, a lot of the things that I and probably you too are worried about are actually solvable, and just takes time.

I've seen a lot of people say they were over the doubt and shame only to have it come roaring back, and I know that's been the case for me. (I may tend not to show it since when I get in that mood I just go take depression naps  ) The good news there is that I don't think it is forever, and it is a matter of just getting over the hump and being able to see in yourself what you are looking for consistently.

So many things that used to not bother me, or that I'd take pride in even, are suddenly my worst enemy since I came out to myself. (Conversely, some of the things that used to bother me are now things I am grateful for. As a male, I am the shortest of my close family at 5'10, while everyone else is over 6 and then some. I used to hate that. Now, not so much.) It's amazing what happens when you open those floodgates.

Alot of this makes me feel loads better because it's exactly how I feel. I lack alot of that right now, finding people saying how I feel so i dont feel so freakish. You often give info I know you dont have to and thank god because its there I find alot of things I relate to.  The things i used to take pride in or cared about compared to now, the features we love to hate, etc.

Plus alot of people are always willing to support and give advice and I really appreciate that from everyone in all the threads on susans.

I wish i could take depression naps, but I'm one of those people who is awake until im asleep and vice versa lol.

I found boy shorts. OMG. I love boyshorts, they dont accentuate, they dont make me focus on my parts, their comfy but they give me that relief knowing I'm moving towards authenticity. Funny, I got a bra and that did NOT cause dysphoria. That was plain releiving. I want to be out, lol.

For now what might help is getting a hair clipper and cutting the hair short but not shaving it. Most hair clippers come with shims that allow you to control the length of the cut. You might not need a shim or you might be able to get by with the smallest one.

I never thought about this, primarily I think because I went straight to militant hair scorched earth, heh. I wonder if i tried this phillips beauty trimmer I've been eyeballing at target... it's not a huge area.

How long until we just step in a booth, select some areas, pay $200 and walk out hair free in those areas permanently?

[Roll]

I finally picked up the Tend Skin roll on bottle, it makes using it a billion times easier. They really need to sell that as the normal with the big bottle just listed as refill.

[amberwaves]

I finally picked up the Tend Skin roll on bottle, it makes using it a billion times easier. They really need to sell that as the normal with the big bottle just listed as refill.

I completely agree with that

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[Allison S]

Just today i was feeling depressed then i took my estradiol and felt better. Well i did take a depression nap before that too!

My beard and the shadow thats always there after i shave gives me dysphoria.
Actually a lot of things do like my body hair, wearing wigs, face...

Finding out about tend skin is helpful. At least i can get that and focus on reducing ingrown hairs and irritation. Thanks for the info!

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[Izzy Grace]

I just realized that my wife has a wet/dry shaver and I used it and oh my god, its gets damn near as close as the razors on body hair, not my legs for some reason, but definitely my body hair. So i use that now and I'm experiencing less issues, especially with the addition of tend skin as well.

Avoiding mirrors and putting it out of mind helps. Once I can get some makeup and clothes and a wig, maybe I can actually reduce the dysphoria. I've been given a dress and I got a bra and some inserts. I wish I had some shirts, but I use a regular thsirt and spend evenings in them and its been really great.

[Roll]

I just realized that my wife has a wet/dry shaver and I used it and oh my god, its gets damn near as close as the razors on body hair, not my legs for some reason, but definitely my body hair. So i use that now and I'm experiencing less issues, especially with the addition of tend skin as well.

Avoiding mirrors and putting it out of mind helps. Once I can get some makeup and clothes and a wig, maybe I can actually reduce the dysphoria. I've been given a dress and I got a bra and some inserts. I wish I had some shirts, but I use a regular thsirt and spend evenings in them and its been really great.

A few quick tips I've figured out:
- Don't neglect some jewelry! Nothing expensive yet until you know what works on you, just cheap stuff. I've just figured out how amazingly feminizing it is just to have on a pair of earrings (clip-ons for me) and a necklace. Maybe your wife has some you can use. Read up on undertones.
- Boots are awesome.
- For cheap wigs to test styles, try the seller Map Of Beauty on Amazon. They run 10 bucks and are way softer and silkier than other two brands I tried.
- Did I mention my new boots?

[Ania]

I have a lot of the same problems you are having, and others probably do as well. I think it is important to remember even women who were assigned female at birth often struggle with feeling uncomfortable with their bodies. The "ideal" female body is simply not what the vast majority of people have. Media portrays femininity in a way that is pretty unobtainable, and has a very high standard for beauty. My facial structure for example, is very masculine. I get hung up on this a lot, it makes me feel less feminine to myself and also makes me feel like others will notice it. But if I really start to think about it, I see a lot of people who I would never question as women with the same facial structure as me. If I am not looking for it though, I just don't notice. I guess I am saying try not to get too hung up on every part of your body being perfectly feminine, because that just isn't how most people's bodies are.

[Izzy Grace]

I have a lot of the same problems you are having, and others probably do as well. I think it is important to remember even women who were assigned female at birth often struggle with feeling uncomfortable with their bodies. The "ideal" female body is simply not what the vast majority of people have. Media portrays femininity in a way that is pretty unobtainable, and has a very high standard for beauty. My facial structure for example, is very masculine. I get hung up on this a lot, it makes me feel less feminine to myself and also makes me feel like others will notice it. But if I really start to think about it, I see a lot of people who I would never question as women with the same facial structure as me. If I am not looking for it though, I just don't notice. I guess I am saying try not to get too hung up on every part of your body being perfectly feminine, because that just isn't how most people's bodies are.

I know your right. I do... but... it's like we have to prove ourselves over and over and over. That's why they there is "passing privilege". You know we have to justify our existences almost constantly and I want to be bigger than it, but I get caught on it... alot.

[michele4848]

I too feel the same.  don't get to dress as much as I would like,(living arrangement with step daughter third marriage, she passed on 5yrs ago).  I really feel more trans than crossdresser but!!!. 25 yrs ago (second marriage) I was ready to transition.  this ended things.  she found someone else, and I did too.  put all those things away for 20yrs, now its on my mind all day  every day.  I was looking at some very pretty clothes just a while ago and started crying,cause I wanted them and cant get them or wear them.  I guess we all have to live to the best as we can.  have faith and strength my sisters;  michele