Am I being unreasonable?

[Julia1996]

Hi everyone.  So I spoke with my mom today on the phone. She asked if everyone was coming to my house for thanksgiving and I told her yes. So she asked me if I would tell my dad to let her come too. My mom doesn't live with us anymore as many of you know. A few weeks ago I got into an argument with her while she was at my house and she hit me in the face. So she got arrested and my dad took out a restraining order on her. She said if I ask my dad to lift the restraining order he would do it for me. I don't want my mom to come. Tristan and his family are coming. Not only can he not stand her but I totally know she would end up embarrassing me, start a fight with me or start one with my dad.

I already know my dad  won't let her come even if I do ask him. I told her no I wouldn't ask him. I wasn't nasty about it but I just told her I didn't want her coming. Then I got the whole thing about me being cold hearted, mean, selfish, blah blah. Then she asked me what kind of person would let her own mother be all alone on thanksgiving and that her son wouldn't even speak to her because of me and that I had turned him against her. She did that totally on her own. I didn't have to do anything.

To be honest it does make me sad to think of her spending thanksgiving alone. But I also don't want the trainwreck it would become with her here. I don't think I'm being unreasonable considering her history with me. What do you all think?

[HappyMoni]

It is sad, but your Mother created this situation and has to live with the consequences. If you ever hope for a reconciliation with her, you might consider this approach. Rather than telling her you don't want her at your house, tell her you don't trust her to be there. Tell her if there is any hope of things changing, she has to show a change in attitude and behavior over a period of time. Then again, you may be happier with her away from you. At any rate it is too soon for anything to change for her to be trusted. If you put it this way, it is clear, it depends on her behavior, not yours.
Moni

[DawnOday]

Mom needs a lesson that her actions will not be tolerated. Expel her from Thanksgiving but perhaps if she can prove herself to be repentant, maybe Christmas.

[Dena]

The best way to handle this is say you will  mention this to your father. Repeat the conversation to your father and let him decide. I am pretty sure he isn't going to allow your mother to visit but your mother will have no valid excuse to complain about your actions and the decision is in your fathers hands where it belonged in the first place.

People rarely reform overnight and until your mother is able to behave in a civil manor with you, it would be best to keep your distance from her. You got off lucky last time because it could have been far worst.

[Charlie Nicki]

Julia, I agree with your decision. You have to see the pros and cons of each possibility and if you think she's going to make Thanksgiving a living hell and embarrass you in front of your boyfriend's family then what's the point?

Also, she's definitely guilt-tripping you about a situation that SHE created.


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[Gertrude]

You're not responsible for anyone's feelings but your own. If she tries to guilt you, it's on her.


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[The Flying Lemur]

Agreed that this is not your problem.  Your mother created this mess when she hit you.  Also, depending on the laws in your jurisdiction, it may not even be possible to reverse a restraining order until your mom's case has worked its way through the system. 

If you don't want to play the "bad guy" yourself, you could leave it up to your dad to decide, but if you're comfortable holding your ground with your mother, I see nothing wrong with telling her you don't want her at Thanksgiving.  Whether or not it makes sense to keep the door open for a possible future reconciliation is up to you.  Just remember that you're not responsible for making your mother happy, and you certainly don't have to put up with being bullied or hit.

[Bari Jo]

I'd hold off.  It hasn't been enough time for reflection and change in her side.  If you do talk with her, you can say you are open to bonding with her as mother daughter, but for now things will stay the same.  As an olive branch you could offer a Xmas dinner or separate get together around the holidays to include her.  I really don't think she is ready for anything yet.  She might think she is, but no way.

Bari Jo

[Briah]

I agree with everyone who says let your father decide.  However there is a protection order in place.  That is for your safety. If she comes to the house with it in place it is a violation and could have her arrested again.  If your father goes to the court and asks to have it lifted the court is going to want to know what changed that it could be lifted already. 

Your mother is trying to manipulate you.  My suggestion is that as soon as she starts you hang up.  That just feeds your sense of guilt.  Again She is the one responsible for what happened NOT YOU!  She is trying to make you responsible—DON'T LET HER!

Now for the really hard part.  Could you refuse to talk with her for the time being?  It seems that every time you do you end up feeling bad.

[jordn]

Clearly, your mother is not sorry for what she did and she is trying to put the blame of her actions on you. She is trying to emotionally exploit you. You are totally reasonable for not letting her. And no, you are not cold hearted, in fact, it will be cold hearted to let her mistreat you.

[TonyaW]

As everyone else is saying it's too soon.

I liked the suggestions that you tell her that is not that you don't want her there but that you don't trust her yet and putting the final decision on your father. 

Also not sure how that would affect the restraining order.  I don't think you can make a one time exception.

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[MaryT]

I agree that recent experience suggests that a visit from your mother probably wouldn't go well.  A short Thanksgiving visit TO your mother, enduring the drama, might be conciliatory, but I'm not sure how that would affect the restraining order.  Perhaps you and/or your brother could 'phone your mother to wish her a happy Thanksgiving.

I can't help hoping that somehow, in the future, you and your mother become conciled.

[sarah1972]

No, you are not unreasonable.

Look at your description of the phone call itself: She is once again verbally abusive. Less than she used to be but trying totally you not a guilt trip is still some form of abuse. (I have been in an abusive relationship once, she was the master in manipulating me into guilt and it took me forever to get over that).

I am not sure she understands that she did / is doing something wrong.

Maybe one way to go is to tell her if she could honestly show remorse and will to change, you could start seeing her supervised (if you are even interested in reconciliation at this point) for a few hours here and there and if she she proves herself, next year Thanksgiving would be an option. But until then... Thanks, but no thanks.

I am so glad your Dad is standing with you on this!

[Paige]

No, you are not unreasonable.

Look at your description of the phone call itself: She is once again verbally abusive. Less than she used to be but trying totally you not a guilt trip is still some form of abuse. (I have been in an abusive relationship once, she was the master in manipulating me into guilt and it took me forever to get over that).

I am not sure she understands that she did / is doing something wrong.

Maybe one way to go is to tell her if she could honestly show remorse and will to change, you could start seeing her supervised (if you are even interested in reconciliation at this point) for a few hours here and there and if she she proves herself, next year Thanksgiving would be an option. But until then... Thanks, but no thanks.

I am so glad your Dad is standing with you on this!

Hi Jessica,

I think Sarah is right.  I don't think she's learned anything by all this.  Her comments to you were all about how it affects her.  There's nothing about how this has affected you or anyone else.   If you talk to her again, I would point this out.  I would also say until she can accept you as the person you are, as the rest of your family has, you don't want to have anything to do with her.  I would also remind her about the restraining order and why it was put in place. 

Some people are narcissists and there's little you can do to change them.  I'm sorry it really sounds like your mother is one.

I would tell your father about this conversation though.  He really needs to be aware of all your dealings with your mother.

Good luck with your decision.
Paige 😊

[steph2.0]

I would tell your father about this conversation though.  He really needs to be aware of all your dealings with your mother.

I agree. You really should tell your Dad.

I don't know a lot about restraining orders, but by contacting you your Mom may have already violated it.

Steph

[Julia1996]

I did tell my dad. He said absolutely NO she couldn't come. He said a restraining order wasn't something you could just lift and then reapply. He said to lift it he would have to go before the court and explain why he wanted to lift it. He said even if he tried to get it lifted because of the evidence (pictures of my bruised face and black eye) he was sure they would refuse and that until she had the court date they most likely wouldn't even consider lifting it. He called her and told her all of that. He also told her she should have asked him instead of messing with me. I did tell her she needed to ask my dad but she said she knew he would say no to her but that he would do anything for me.  He told me not to speak to her for a while and told me to block her number in my phone. He said she doesn't have to be alone on thanksgiving, that she can go to Boulder and be with her parents. He also told me I had nothing to do with Tyler not wanting to talk to her for a while and that he made that decision himself. He was very upset when he found out she hit me.

To be honest I don't want her around me. I've tried and tried to have a normal relationship with her but it always ends with her saying nasty things to me. I'm already insecure about my looks. I don't need her criticizing my clothes, make up, etc all the time. And I totally don't need her to keep telling me my boyfriend is going to dump me for a " real" girl without my limitations. And I don't want her around Tristan's family. Tristan totally can't stand her. He never liked her after she told him it was too bad he was going to be a paramedic instead of a doctor but she guessed not everyone is Dr material, but after she told him he must be a closet gay or bisexual to want to date me, he really can't stand her! I just can't deal with more of her nastiness right now. If that makes me a bad daughter then I guess I'm a bad daughter.

[Faith]

Maybe I'm a bad person too. I would have said no as well. There are people, immediate family included, that I already avoid and exclude. I don't feel bad about it at all. It is not my fault that they are bad people and you are not responsible for your Mom.

I don't know your story and don't need to. Bottom line, Stop worrying, enjoy the day, and enjoy your family

take care

[Natsuki Kuga]

I just can't deal with more of her nastiness right now. If that makes me a bad daughter then I guess I'm a bad daughter.

All sarcasm aside, I don't think I see any evidence of bad daughtering gong on here. On the contrary, you did exactly what I'd hope my daughters would do in an abusive situation: you protected yourself by turning to a trustworthy family member for support. A hallmark of abusers is that they try to isolate you from your support systems. You didn't let her do that to you. Top notch.

My parents have tried at different times to manipulate me just like your mother did you, and I learned early on to distance myself from them when they thought I was vulnerable. I predict that your mother will ultimately get down to brass tracks and try, "Do this or I won't love you anymore." That's when you can tell she's desperate, and then you can dictate the terms of any, if any, compromise. Mine tended to be very one-sided compromises.

[emoji83]

So above all, keep yourself safe and feel no regrets over it. Life is tough enough already. Don't let nobody make it even harder on you.

[Lady Sarah]

Your mother might consider therapy for her many issues. She will probably reject the notion, thinking she is faultless. It appears the only way she will ever be able to have any of y'all in her life would be to admit she has problems, and get some serious help.

[Jessica]

It is sad, but your Mother created this situation and has to live with the consequences. If you ever hope for a reconciliation with her, you might consider this approach. Rather than telling her you don't want her at your house, tell her you don't trust her to be there. Tell her if there is any hope of things changing, she has to show a change in attitude and behavior over a period of time. Then again, you may be happier with her away from you. At any rate it is too soon for anything to change for her to be trusted. If you put it this way, it is clear, it depends on her behavior, not yours.
Moni

I think putting burden of truth on Mom by telling her she can't be trusted until proven otherwise is a good approach.  She will get the message that this is on her shoulders and it's up to her to be civil.