Feeling torn apart and not legitimate

[Jamie_06]

So I've been trying to adjust to being genderfluid and it hasn't really gone that well. When I present as female, I start wanting to be female all the time, until something hits me like a photo of myself from before or trying to do something I like as male. This makes me miss "him" a lot and I get dysphoria about being female. Then when I wind up male I feel settled and secure until something makes me want to be female again. Then I end up really happy and excited as a girl until the cycle starts all over again.

A big issue with this is that I have real trouble feeling like I'm really a girl when presenting that way. I feel like I'm fake unless I transition completely, which I can't do because of how badly it hurts to lose my male side. This is really confusing and I'm having a hard time dealing with it.

First off, yes I am trying to line up a therapist. In the meantime though, can anyone offer any helpful advice?

[Devlyn]

Big hug! I made the decision to present female fulltime and let the boy have his days without the male  look. I'm not dysphoric about not looking male, probably because I never did it well anyway.

This isn't easy, so don't beat yourself up for struggling with it.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Dena]

I don't have a good solution at the moment but have you considered adopting an androgynous or unisex presentation that both of your sides could be comfortable with? Others have taken that approach and I remember one who would change a few accessories depending on how they felt. If you want to dress up more from time to time, that would be acceptable but for day to day wear something middle of the road might be more comfortable.

[TonyaW]

So this stuff that you like to do as a male, what is stopping you from doing it as a female? 

Only you can determine if full transition is right for you, but you don't necessarily  have to give up your "male" activities if you do.   

My "male' activity that I didn't want to lose was golf.  It wasn't something holding me back from transition but it was in my mind.   At some point I just told myself that girls play golf too.  Still went on the annual golf trip my brother and I take every fall.  Pretty much the same this year as previous years.


Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk

[Jamie_06]

There may be a couple similar, examples, but the biggest was playing a specific video game series.I'm going to copy an email I sent to a therapist last night regarding that very subject, TonyaW:

The game I mentioned is a series known as The Legend of Zelda, a fantasy adventure game series. The main character, Link, was designed to basically just be an avatar of the player, with only a few hints at a personality. The player effectively fills in the missing pieces with their own personality and traits. Since the character already looked a lot like me, I ended up really pouring a lot of my own soul into him. The enjoyment really seems to have come from being able to see myself doing all those things. This identification has bled over into real life as well, and Link is a favorite of mine when it comes to dressing up for Halloween and conventions.

As time went on and I learned more about myself, I included the new information in my interpretation of the character as well. When I learned I most likely had Asperger's Syndrome, then Link would have had it too. When I came out to myself as bisexual, I could easily interpret Link as bisexual as well.

Now, however, we have a real problem. Link is male. There is no option in any of the games to play as a female version of him. If I'm to be considered female, there is no way to carry this trait over to Link. I can no longer see myself in him. This is what the real roadblock to exploring my gender identity was two years ago and is now as well. It actually made me feel real pain in my heart when I tried playing one of the games after trying to accept myself as female the first time. Even at best, trying to play the games when I am presenting and identifying female is just a cold, emotionless act, just a chore really. Even when I avoid playing, this contradiction still hangs over me like a dark cloud and makes me feel frustrated and depressed. More than anything else, this is the single biggest obstacle to me. Identifying as genderfluid was something I thought could clear things up for me, but still this always ends up flipping my identity back to male.

I do not see how I can really accept myself as female even in a more temporary sense as genderfluid as long as this remains an issue. Female me just seems like a faint shadow of male me that I can never hang on to.

[Mariah]

The one difference I have found that Jamie has with this that they personally see themselves as these characters. They made such a connection on a soul level with these different characters be it Link or Luke Skywalker that even attempting to do anything related or connected with them triggers Jamie back to their male side. So it isn't like something Jamie can flip overnight and say yeah I can do this as a girl to because Jamie still questions the legitimacy and realness of their female side despite knowing it is real and wants to fully transition.

The fact is revelations like the one you mentioned take time and in Jamie's case therapy. A change to how Jamie views the past and is able to cope with the future won't easily happen for them without the aid of therapy. These are the type of issues that can stall or even prevent someone from transitioning which is why therapy from a therapist Jamie can trust and the right support around them is crucial.

Jamie you know the advice I have already given you and that even though everyone around so far has echoed that same advice it isn't going to change how you feel in regardless to the stumbling block in front of you. So be patient with yourself and listen to your mind, body and soul and let that guide you and most of all be yourself. Hugs
Mariah

So this stuff that you like to do as a male, what is stopping you from doing it as a female? 

Only you can determine if full transition is right for you, but you don't necessarily  have to give up your "male" activities if you do.   

My "male' activity that I didn't want to lose was golf.  It wasn't something holding me back from transition but it was in my mind.   At some point I just told myself that girls play golf too.  Still went on the annual golf trip my brother and I take every fall.  Pretty much the same this year as previous years.


Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk

[TonyaW]

Hope I didn't imply that it was easy or quick.  Took me 40 plus years to figure out that I could still play golf during and after transition.   Guessing it won't take you that long since you are already seeking a therapist. 

Before I sought out a therapist to help with my gender issues,  I was dealing with them mostly by ignoring them and somewhat tempered them by crossdressing when I could.

There were certain things that I would not do when dressed female, as I thought of them as male things that I do.   I wouldn't even watch sports, for example. 

Though they don't have the dysphoria issue thrown at them also, the lack of female avatars etc has been an issue for cis female gamers for a long time.  I'm in no way an expert on this, but I believe it is getting better.

So yeah, it will take some time to figure out what you're comfortable with. 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk

[VeronicaLynn]

I don't have a good solution at the moment but have you considered adopting an androgynous or unisex presentation that both of your sides could be comfortable with? Others have taken that approach and I remember one who would change a few accessories depending on how they felt. If you want to dress up more from time to time, that would be acceptable but for day to day wear something middle of the road might be more comfortable.

This is similar to what I have done. I try to avoid super feminine presentation as it makes me feel like a guy and avoid completely guy presentation as it makes it even more clear that I'm not a masculine guy.

Perhaps more importantly, I've grown to accept myself as a somewhat masculine trans woman that sometimes presents as a metrosexual guy, and is sometimes fine with being seen as that by cis people.

I find my fluidity a bit less disconcerting this way, and that I'm a lot less fluid than I used to be, though time also may be a factor. I've also chosen to take my transition very slowly, concentrating on things I can live without in guy mode, like body hair and facial hair. I think I will try HRT soon, though I do have concerns about how I will handle it if I do a hard masculine flip.