Looking back at GID now that I am transitioned and settled.

[Itsdone]

I was in more pain than I realized when living with GID. It had an affect on my personality.. a profound affect.  I was to everyone on the outside a real handsome bad to the bone dude with big muscles. I looked like a cop.
Your living as you have to. As expected of you.  We want to be accepted by others and like ourselves.
However deep inside you and forever for me was my desire to be a girl.  From about the age of four I knew.. tried to get my boobs to grow when puberty started hitting the other girls. Prayed to God.. all that ->-bleeped-<-. 
Then you give it up... not going to happen.. Hell you don't even know wtf is wrong with you.. why am I a girl on the inside. Why do I long to be with the girls not the boys.  They split you into groups.. girls there boys there an you are the girl with the boys and you just don't know why.
This was all before the internet of course.  If I had the internet back then and knew what I was I would have sniped off those balls in a second to avoid changing to male.
So, its with you every day of your life. You never let it go even though you try hard as hell to. You think you have it licked by just telling yourself you a sinner or a pervert for some reason.. You hide it in the back of your mind but have to think about it all the time no matter what.
But you have pride.. Pride to please others and be the man you were supposed to be.
Until one day its over.  You give in. You become you completely.
Your a girl now.. would not go back for anything in the world but being a girl can suck..

So you feel cured.. loving life.. really living fully.

And you look back at that GID and cry for the person you once pretended to be.  All that pain and desire to be someone else... your true self...and I cry..... for that me I was.

I may miss him and what he had.. and cry for what he gave up to be real.
I may even have those moments where I say.. wow I wish I could be him again.. and that is only natural.  We remember the good times with family from our past lives and we have to mourn our losses.

So did I trade pain for pain.... well in a sense I did.  But I am a better person today than I was because I can be real ...and live a real life..

Well this is my usual sudden rant...
Happy Thanksgiving
ME

[Complete]

I was in more pain than I realized when living with GID. It had an affect on my personality.. a profound affect.  I was to everyone on the outside a real handsome bad to the bone dude with big muscles. I looked like a cop.
Your living as you have to. As expected of you.  We want to be accepted by others and like ourselves.
However deep inside you and forever for me was my desire to be a girl.  From about the age of four I knew.. tried to get my boobs to grow when puberty started hitting the other girls. Prayed to God.. all that ->-bleeped-<-. 
Then you give it up... not going to happen.. Hell you don't even know wtf is wrong with you.. why am I a girl on the inside. Why do I long to be with the girls not the boys.  They split you into groups.. girls there boys there an you are the girl with the boys and you just don't know why.
This was all before the internet of course.  If I had the internet back then and knew what I was I would have sniped off those balls in a second to avoid changing to male.
So, its with you every day of your life. You never let it go even though you try hard as hell to. You think you have it licked by just telling yourself you a sinner or a pervert for some reason.. You hide it in the back of your mind but have to think about it all the time no matter what.
But you have pride.. Pride to please others and be the man you were supposed to be.
Until one day its over.  You give in. You become you completely.
Your a girl now.. would not go back for anything in the world but being a girl can suck..

So you feel cured.. loving life.. really living fully.

And you look back at that GID and cry for the person you once pretended to be.  All that pain and desire to be someone else... your true self...and I cry..... for that me I was.

I may miss him and what he had.. and cry for what he gave up to be real.
I may even have those moments where I say.. wow I wish I could be him again.. and that is only natural.  We remember the good times with family from our past lives and we have to mourn our losses.

So did I trade pain for pain.... well in a sense I did.  But I am a better person today than I was because I can be real ...and live a real life..

Well this is my usual sudden rant...
Happy Thanksgiving
ME

This is a powerful post. Frankly,  I am in awe. I understand alot of where you are coming from. I was once asked the question if l hated who l was before I transitioned. It took me a minute to think about that because while I did not like, (barely even recognized who l was then), l never hated that facade. It was not who l was, but wearing that facade,  enduring that complete and total disconnect, allowed me to become who l am now. An aging yet proud, blissfully happy, and still beautiful woman.
Eventually the memory of your old self will fade. At least it did with me. Even if l try, l cannot remember who l once pretended to be.

[Dani]

Leaving behind an established life is never easy. However, I can still remember the dysphoria before I transitioned. The moment I woke up from GCS, the dysphoria was gone. That part I do not miss. I am better for it.