Not sure how I feel right now....

[PidgeTPN]

I have mixed feelings about going back on T in the future. I NEED a deeper voice and I don't have the motivation to constantly do voice exercises nor can I keep smoking in hopes it'll deepen my voice more than it already has (it's been barely any, age has done far more and the times I've been on T as well).

My face as it is RIGHT NOW is the only part I like about my body, and I HATE my face on T. It gets round and fat and I don't want anyone to see me. It's not a masculine face, in fact I get misgendered constantly because of it even with facial hair dyed black. Even if forcing my voice lower, no one believes me. But I LIKE HOW I LOOK. I HATE my body, my face is the only thing I'm happy with.

I'm considering starting T up again after I get top surgery and recover from it, and after I can lose fat and KEEP it off. But is there really a point if I'm just going to end up hating my face again? I don't want to be this round ball of manliness society expects me to be. I want to find myself attractive, not hate myself so the rest of the world will finally like and respect me as what I say I am.

On the bright side, I have at least a little over a year before I'd be getting back on. Cause another eight or so months for the pregnancy, recovering from a c-section (and hopefully hysterectomy too!) and then finally finishing everything else to get top surgery taken care of. I have quite a bit of time to give it more thought.

[Alexthecat]

The face thing is just water retention. It will go away after a few months.

[TransAm]

The face thing is just water retention. It will go away after a few months.

^ This. I went through that obnoxious moon face phase for about a year (it really amped up in month three and didn't start tapering off until month 9). It's a temporary thing.

[PidgeTPN]

I was on for over a year last time and it didn't go away (I know everyone's different so maybe it was just longer for me), my face looked almost EXACTLY like my dad's does. It wasn't ACTUAL fat, but my face was VERY wide and my cheeks were round. I hate myself enough as it is right now so at the time it wasn't something that seemed like a good idea. All the other changes are definitely desirable to me (except the acne, but I can handle that), but not being willing to go outside because of my face at the time was so not like me that I decided it would be better to wait until I was in a better state of mind.

I'm hoping in the next year I can work more towards that since I'm getting a lot better with my self esteem!

Plus with raising a five year old right now, I feel like for the time being I need to focus on being a good father. I don't need to LOOK like a man to be a good father to him. If I work hard with my therapists and work hard on my self esteem I am considering restarting, but that's something I can't do right now anyways.