A totally awesome day

[Northern Star Girl]

snipped:

On the surface her conversation was agreeable but every 3rd word I get MR and SIR. Decided not to make an issue of it, but seriously, is that really necessary?

@ krobinson103;  unless an old friend or previous acquaintance has been around me before and during my transition to full time, it is natural for them to be somewhat nervous and confused about which pronoun they should use to personally address me. 

You were right to not make an issue of it.... they were most likely more apprehensive and nervous about this that you were...  that too will pass with time.
aspiringperson

[Denise]

https://www.flickr.com/photos/142425753@N03/shares/Biz8vc

Me today. Still a lot of work to do, but satisfied that HRT is doing its thing.

Looking very nice - Not knowing your wife, but I could see how you could be larger up top than her.  Congratulations on the scale!

[krobinson103]

Looking very nice - Not knowing your wife, but I could see how you could be larger up top than her.  Congratulations on the scale!

Thanks. She is a small asian women. So in proportion she is actually larger still.

[krobinson103]

https://www.flickr.com/photos/142425753@N03/shares/dEHu37

Well today I went into town with the family. Tried to keep it down low in terms of dress. All I really managed to do was create mixed messages, but no one seemed to care given it was Japan day and everyone was dressed up as characters. I also managed to find another ungendered public bathroom yay! I like it when I find them.

[krobinson103]

Yay! Finally got my frame size down from 40 to 39. So todays measurements are: 44 bust (no bra) 39 frame, 36 waist, and 43 hips. Also got down to 218 pounds. Looking good for the the goals. The smaller i get my frame and waist the more obvious the rest will be.

[ChrissyRyan]

Yay! Finally got my frame size down from 40 to 39. So todays measurements are: 44 bust (no bra) 39 frame, 36 waist, and 43 hips. Also got down to 218 pounds. Looking good for the the goals. The smaller i get my frame and waist the more obvious the rest will be.

Kelly,

Where is the frame body measurement taken?


Chrissy

[krobinson103]

Kelly,

Where is the frame body measurement taken?


Chrissy

Just under the bust (rib cage). Its what bra calculators use to give you a size that makes no sense. There isn't much room for improvement there for me sadly. Tiny bit of fat and maybe a little more muscle and thats that.

[ChrissyRyan]

Just under the bust (rib cage). Its what bra calculators use to give you a size that makes no sense. There isn't much room for improvement there for me sadly. Tiny bit of fat and maybe a little more muscle and thats that.

Oh, the frame size is the underbust figure that is used in cup size calculations, if I understand correctly.

Thanks.

Chrissy

[Cassi]

Oh, the frame size is the underbust figure that is used in cup size calculations, if I understand correctly.

Thanks.

Chrissy

Ahem, they do things, I believe, differently, on that side of the planet

[Donna]

Give it time krobinson, it may come down more. Ive dropped from 46 in May 2017 to 40 now and lost 45 lbs to get to 220. now its really taking its time to drop but every little bit helps.

[krobinson103]

Give it time krobinson, it may come down more. Ive dropped from 46 in May 2017 to 40 now and lost 45 lbs to get to 220. now its really taking its time to drop but every little bit helps.

Already dropped 45 pounds. Another 20 or so to the goal. I can already see my ribs so I suspect that I might get 1/2 inch off from the loss of back muscle at most there. The crazy thing is that calculators come out with 39 D or DD which is just plain wrong! I have one D cup bra and theres no way its the right size. I might get the height but no way the volume to fill that thing.

[Donna]

Lol. Bras and breast are strange that way. I have two 38C that fit nice mostly 40C plus a 42B sister size. The strangest one is i have 3 44C that i completely fill.
Look up the five step measuring system and see what it says. It gives a little finer sizing

[krobinson103]

Lol... Men and breasts. There I was after work. had a fairly tight t shirt on cause thats what I do at home. Walking to the supermarket. Haven't shaved for 12 hours. No one seems to notice. Dude on a motorcycle goes past stares hard out, goes down the road, comes back stares some more as he rides past. Guess stuff has changed enough to get attention. Facial hair can't be as visible as it used to be. Now I thought this can't be, but my wife who happened to be watching told me off for wearing said t shirt because the dude was staring too much!

I'm sure it would normally be rude but I take it as a sign of progress.

On other fronts I've been listening to peoples speech patterns and found a spot in my vocal range that doesn't sound male (the gravel is gone) but doesn't sound too fake. Been concentrating on staying there if I can. Today I got home from work / shopping and realized for about 30 minutes I kept doing it without thinking, and no one not even the family mentioned anything. I also figured out the knack of applying nail polish with off hand and not making a horrible mess of it. Women smile at me and include me in their club now as well. I even had students (who aren't super observant most times say I look like a girl.

Thus... nothing outed me today, not my voice, not my facial hair, nothing. Shop assistants don't notice anymore, in fact one complimented me on my colour selections. Men have even started to notice me as a women not an oddity.  As the postman said... "stuff is getting better..."

[mm]

krobinson103, what you have on your chest does more to make you seen as a woman than what is on your face.

[krobinson103]

krobinson103, what you have on your chest does more to make you seen as a woman than what is on your face.

A fairly one dimensional view I must admit. :p Then again, you do notice a women's figure before you look for anything else. But, I'll take the distractions from the tells on my face. Oh yeah, 98.8kg this morning giving me a loss of 2.2kg for the week and its only wednesday! The pattern seems to be drop 500g or so, stable for a week, drop 500g... If this continues I'll hit my target goal by the next doctors meeting and might need to reassess to see if more can be achieved.

[krobinson103]

Well, I haven't been convinced that  I pass, but, today after work I walked past three groups of high school kids in full fem mode and... nothing. A group of six year olds... nothing, they don't even look twice. At the bank, a bit of confusion on the bank records but otherwise... nothing. At the vet for the cats castration (lucky devil!) I get love and dear from the receptionist and the vet looks a bit confused looking for Mr Robinson. I go to the jewelry store, nothing just normal service.

In fact the only people who misgendered me today were ex students and I don't care if they do because they don't mean anything by it.

Either, this whole town cares nothing about people being trans, or I pass. This feels pretty darn good!

[krobinson103]

Usually I journal about the good, but the bad also happens. Since change have reached a point that I've crossed the gender line last night was the biggest confrontation yet about all of this. Wife and eldest daughters opinions were reasserted and I can see that any 'support' is surface only. My youngest just wants a 'normal not fighting' family.

In the end I got sick of all the circular arguments and told them the the old me was dead and unless they want the new me dead as well to back off and stop trying to place unrealistic expectations or limitations. Its clear that perhaps not immediately, but in the near future that the only way to get out of this toxic spiral is to end this farce of marriage.

I can accept and understand her position, but the simple fact is there is no hiding or going back I can't and won't stay in them middle and the conditions they want are unrealistic and unfair. Its officially over and if that means I don't see my eldest daughter again then that's the cost of this transition.

Transition is life. Its unfortunate I can't keep the old one intact more but, there is no going back and I refuse to be ashamed of being the real me. Unfortunately moving out or selling in the short term isn't an option so I suppose ignoring ridiculous critizism and just financially keeping things going while interacting as little as possible the best way forward at this point.

[Northern Star Girl]

@ krobinson103:  regarding your last 2 postings... 

That is good news about you passing and finding that a lot of the folks that you came across didn't give you a 2nd look and they didn't seem to stare at you while you were in your girl-mode.  I love your statement at the end of your next to last posting:
   "Either, this whole town cares nothing about people being trans, or I pass. This feels pretty darn good!"

Regarding your very last posting about relations with your immediate family members....  that is all very tough stuff to personally deal with not only for you but for them also.  I could feel your pain as I read it.   Hang in there and proceed carefully, family affairs can be the most difficult for a person that is transitioning.

Best wishes to you as you go forward,
Aspiringperson

[Laurie]

Hi K,

  I understand how you feel, I really do. You do need to be yourself and the situation has become untenable. All this I believe is true for you and I do not blame you for one moment for feeling that way. It is sad but you need to be you.
  There was one thing you said that really struck me to the quick, You said "if that means I don't see my eldest daughter again then that's the cost of this transition." I too have a daughter. My only living child. She's married and has five children herself. 2 boys and 3 girls. The youngest girl I've only seen a few times. I love my daughter and my grand kids.
   Like you I told my therapist much the same thing as you said when he asked what if? I really thought I could handle it if my daughter could not accept me a transgender woman. Before I told her and her husband I told them that if they could not accept me after what I had to tell them I would go out to my car and left if that is what they wanted. And I proceeded to tell them. My son in law didn't seem to mind  but my daughter told me she thought I was wrong. She thought my past poor behaviors, my cross dressing, my drug abuse, alcoholism and now my thinking I was trans was just symptoms of some deeply buried traumatic event in my childhood that had not been resolved. But she knew that if I would just give myself to God he could fix me. In a strange way she was right about something deeply buried causing my past issues. There was something.. it is called gender dysphoria. And I am not broke so I cannot be fixed.
   Anyway they said they needed time to consider just what they thought of my news and I left in the morning. That was the last time I saw my daughter and my grand children. It became apparent I was no longer welcome there by their public condemnation of me on Facebook and blaming me for several things that were not the way she expressed them. All this in a public forum for all their friends and our mutual friends to see. It's called character assassination and they are good at it. There was no point in rebutting any of it.
  They are lost to me. The whole family. I am no longer part of their life. I thought I could handle it. I thought I was willing to pay that cost to be able to be myself. I was wrong. Not only was thing the beginning of a depression but it brought up stuffed away issues from my last depression from over 20 years ago where I got divorced and other hard to take events. It brought out issues I've had all my life and I wanted to die. It's all here in my thread. Had not not listened to some of the people here I would probably be in a forest with my head blown off. But I did listen and I told my therapist how I was feeling and what I was thinking and I got on an antidepressant and now I am feel better. It is too recent to be feeling safe but I'm better. I am still alive and not thinking of that forest now.
  Losing your family is going to be hard K. Take my word for it. I did okay for awhile but it got to me. Make sure you have a life line out hun. You may just need one.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[krobinson103]

What choice do I have? What my wife and daughter want are untenable. I can't live as they want me to. My choice would be to end it because there is no going back. I don't want to hurt them, but I don't want to miserable at best, or dead at worst. The cost is high, I should have done this years ago when I was younger but I did not. If I have to I will strike out on my own. My immediate family will condemn it, my sister will hate it. I'll support the family financially as I can, but at the end of the day this hostility and aggression MUST end. Its at the point I find excuses not to come home and even then communicate as little as possible with anyone save my youngest.

I'll lose the house, my family, but I gain clarity - something I have never had. There is no other path for me but the one I walk. I wish I could choose not to, but I can't because it is me. Always has been, and always will be. I look at pictures of me from 4-5 years ago and see a stranger I no longer wish to know. They want him back. He is gone. He never really existed other than as a mask to keep the world at bay.

However, we are still in the same house, today things are okish.... the day could be far worse! I also bought myself my  first skirt today. Promptly discovered I want to lose at least 15 pounds before I wear it anywhere, but, I did that with some other clothes that I wear a lot now and 15 pounds lighter is at most 4 weeks away.

On the bad news front since I keep losing weight a lot of the kamis and other small clothes I purchased are no longer fit for purpose. Jeans are getting too big as well. Losing weight is good and bad at the same time!