Its best not to internalize bad feelings. Thus, I shall put them down here in the hope that reading them may suggest an option. The atmosphere at home is polarized. Its 'us' and me. 'us' hates everything I do. Today I got an interesting comment.
"You caused all this..."
True, but only because I had no choice if I wished to remain sane or even alive. How then can it classified as a choice at all? Of course I choose life. Life takes me away from my family and yet I have no choice but to transition because it is unstoppable and in the end the right thing to do.
I'm sick of being told 'you can't do this, men don't do this, men should...' I am not, and never have been a man. The decision becomes clearer and clearer that perhaps the only way forward now is to ensure the family is supported and simply leave. Its clear that I can never be happy living here, and they will never be happy with me.
If a choice is forced upon me then there really is no choice. I will go on alone and they can keep their snipes,, and condemnation and suggestions I should be feel guilty and ashamed. For what? For being born in the wrong body? For not wanting to live with self loathing forever?
I've said it before and I'll say it again, no sane person would EVER choose to be trans. No sane person would say 'well I really want to suffer from dysporia for my whole life, it sounds like fun!' No sane person would want to look in the mirror and say EVERYDAY "I hate what I see."
The statement "you choose to do this" is true only in the fact that it was necessary to want to continue living at all. Being trans sucks some days. But, if I must I will make that hard decision and tomorrow WILL be a good day... for all of us.