The last few days I've been thinking. Thinking about what has actually changed since October of last year. The lists is long!
Physically I don't recognize myself and others certainly don't either. I've lost a lot of weight, a lot of muscle, my face is different, my skin is different, my hair is different, my shape is different. I have almost no body hair now, my smell has changed and even if I sweat I could wear the same clothes several days in a row - something I never could have done before. I wear clothes that are 3-4 sizes smaller, and I've lost a lot of strength. I look and feel 5-10 years younger.
Mentally I'm a thousand times happier. No more anxiety or anger or empty wishing for a new body. I like my body and this in itself is a gift beyond price. But it goes further. I THINK differently, react emotionally differently (as in actually have emotions) are more patient, no longer driven to do 1000 things every day. This second puberty thing is a challenge in that impulsivity is off the scale, and libido while very different is off the scale atm.
Socially I feel... more alive more open to conversations, and actually enjoy talking and interacting with people, almost need it (shocking change that one). Women have let me into the club and men treat me differently... not sure what to make of that one yet! People accept me as a women 95% of the time now. My records and id are switched over and it still feels a bit odd to see mail that is actually gendered right arrive.
Another facet of it all is career and the loss of white male privilege. Its a thing. You don't really know it exists till you don't have it. I don't mind losing it, but especially in teaching for men, promotion comes quicker, jobs are easier to find, and in general people value your opinion more. I don't mind too much as I've never sought status anyway.
In terms of things I can actively do to transition further the list is quite short... wait! Frustrating to be sure but I've got everything in process so its matter of the system catching up. Family is still sorting it all out and I'm not sure where that lands.
The next steps are quite clear. Get surgery (orchie - this year with luck), save for srs and commercial facial removal (home laser has taken me as far as it going to I suspect). Most of all though, I need to let my internal body image catch up. I'm still surprised when people accept me as a woman. I still look in the mirror and go - thats really me how did this happen? It hasn't sunk in that for all intents and purposes I've done what I set out to do. I think its going to take six months for a year for that to consolidate and be able to accept the new normal.
I'm really not sure what happens next. I do know that I'm happy and content for the most part. Maybe that was the goal all along. I'm also sure that despite the cost and the pain transition caused and will cause it was all worth it and I'd do it again in a heart beat.
No regrets, tomorrow is another day and it will be awesome.
