Today I want to talk about anxiety and fear and the effect it has on everything.
I've been looking at my professional journalling for work, re reading some of this rather long thread, and reflecting on life lately. I see a pattern I see a person who knew She was unhappy but did nothing about, knew that the status quo would lead to steady dissolution of the present situation but was stopped by fear.
On anxiety you don't even know its there if it hangs around long enough because it becomes normal. Being hyper aware and defensive is a way of life. Self doubt and fear of failure become loud and internal conflict between what you know to be true and what you think should be true take over.
Fear becomes a wall stopping self growth, or even happiness. Fear pervades every part of your life. Fear of failure, fear of letting people down, fear of reactions. Yet I have learned that fear is not a weakness but a source of strength. Every fear I face sets me up to face a larger one that has more effect on my life. This leads to success which bolsters self esteem and gives me the courage to face even larger challenges.
Since I started on hrt and transitioned towards being me I have received many comments along the lines of "you are a different person." They are right, and wrong. I think where I am now is the person I have always been but with so many self made barriers in the way that She never got a chance to be expressed. These barriers come from childhood trauma and the idea that if no one ever gets close then you can't be hurt. So yes I am the person I really should be but there is nothing new there.
On self image. Get up feel at home in your body. Look in the mirror, smile and say looking good. Compare that to a year ago. Get up damn horrible body, can't look in mirror. See a woman walk past (any woman) and think "lifes not fair". You know what? Life does provide opportunity if you look for it in every moment of every day. A small change today and the next day and so on leads to big goals.
If I ask myself the questions today "Am I anxious?" the answer is no. "Am I dysphoric?" No. "Do I know where I am going and how I get there?" Yes.
In the opening entry to this journal I wrote "today is a totally awesome day". I want to change that statement. to say;
Every day is a totally awesome day
Every day provides opportunities and challenges
Every challenge leads to an opportunity
Every fear faced leads to one more strength
Every strength leads to greater success
Success leads to self esteem
Self Esteem leads to happiness.
Cherish every day.
