A totally awesome day

[krobinson103]

Some time ago I started attending a (cis) woman's support group. At first I felt like I might get in the way of the function of the group and make people uncomfortable so I did the stealth thing. No one really noticed. Then I told them, no one cared. Then, last week, when I missed one people genuinely missed me being there. Acceptance. Something worth noting I think. Don't be afraid to go where you THINK you may not be welcome because sometimes you are.

[krobinson103]

Today I got up, had a shower, then looked in the mirror and saw... something I didn't expect. I saw a really attractive woman and she looked very happy with a challenging look in her eye. Now if I saw such a person who wasn't me I'd totally be interested in exploring the possibilities with her. If this the person other people see all I can say is wow that is so not the old me! Except for the hangers on down low which annoy me a little but their days are numbered! Even then, I don't really mind their presence at the moment because for now waiting is all I can do. Why is this a shock? For a number of reasons.

1) Being bi I actually found MYSELF quite ... interesting.
2) I'm not used to actually liking what I see.
3) I look a lot younger than I did even ten years ago!

There are still these (dying) voices in the back of my mind saying "Thats not you.. you'll never..." but their days are also numbered. It still feels strange to actually like being me. Not sure how to accept I'm actually the babe in the mirror.

It  just crossed my mind. I wrote a similar post about five months ago when I saw the same thing in the mirror clothed. Now I see the same thing unclothed. I have to wonder... what the next milestone is! Guess I won't know till I get there.

[Northern Star Girl]

Today I got up, had a shower, then looked in the mirror and saw... something I didn't expect. I saw a really attractive woman and she looked very happy with a challenging look in her eye. Now if I saw such a person who wasn't me I'd totally be interested in exploring the possibilities with her. If this the person other people see all I can say is wow that is so not the old me! Except for the hangers on down low which annoy me a little but their days are numbered! Even then, I don't really mind their presence at the moment because for now waiting is all I can do. Why is this a shock? For a number of reasons.

1) Being bi I actually found MYSELF quite ... interesting.
2) I'm not used to actually liking what I see.
3) I look a lot younger than I did even ten years ago!

There are still these (dying) voices in the back of my mind saying "Thats not you.. you'll never..." but their days are also numbered. It still feels strange to actually like being me. Not sure how to accept I'm actually the babe in the mirror.

It  just crossed my mind. I wrote a similar post about five months ago when I saw the same thing in the mirror clothed. Now I see the same thing unclothed. I have to wonder... what the next milestone is! Guess I won't know till I get there.

@krobinson103
A wonderful update, thanks for posting your good and encouraging report.
Oh yeah, I remember very well the view in the mirror when stepping out of the shower....  eventually all I was seeing was a blonde woman and no sign of my old-self.   A great feeling and a wonderful event for sure when that first happened.   Now it has been a routine daily occurrence  ... and now there is much more time taken in the bathroom... shower, drying and fixing up my hair, makeup, jewellery, selection clothing and shoes, fingernails manicured and polished.... and the list goes on.   No more just taking a 3 minute shower and quickly drying off and getting into a hodgepodge of male clothes without concern for colors and styles or a coordinated look.   
This is all very wonderful now.

I am so happy for you and am very glad to see your recent reports in the last month or so about all the good things that you are thinking and the good things that are happening you Ms Kelly.

As always, please keep the updates coming.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

[krobinson103]

Todays update is not about me but my wife.

I have mentioned that the marriage is over and that hasn't changed. I had hoped She would be more accepting with that reality in place but that doesn't seem to be the case. I posted a new profile picture on facebook. Even my Mother had to give in and say things have changed. Not my wife 'technology is very good these days'. Then I get home and she sees my breasts. Gee they are big she says, I say yup. Then She says but they can't be real... wtf? They surely are the pain I went through proves that one! The final thing that really upset me was her request that I wear pants today because her friend is visiting... like what earthly difference does it make? Its not like I could look male either way!

I have to conclude that She is still in denial and will never accept the truth. I find it sad.

[Northern Star Girl]

@krobinson103
So sad to hear about what is going on with you and your wife....  huh?  she wants you wear pants ... and with big boobs on display on your chest and your feminine appearance....    How does that make sense??? 

I guess that I may have missed it, but what kind of acceptance are you getting from your mom and your other family members???

Hang in there, bite your tongue, and after your wife's friend's visit is over, you should go shopping and treat yourself to some new clothes and/or shoes....  or at least copious amounts of chocolate. 

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Todays update is not about me but my wife.

I have mentioned that the marriage is over and that hasn't changed. I had hoped She would be more accepting with that reality in place but that doesn't seem to be the case. I posted a new profile picture on facebook. Even my Mother had to give in and say things have changed. Not my wife 'technology is very good these days'. Then I get home and she sees my breasts. Gee they are big she says, I say yup. Then She says but they can't be real... wtf? They surely are the pain I went through proves that one! The final thing that really upset me was her request that I wear pants today because her friend is visiting... like what earthly difference does it make? Its not like I could look male either way!

I have to conclude that She is still in denial and will never accept the truth. I find it sad.

[randim]

Hi Kelly.  It doesn't surprise me that your wife has her own set of issues to work through, including denial.  There are none so blind as those who will not see. She was deeply emotionally invested in you as a male for a long time.  That probably dies hard.  Plus, she likely has some transphobia to boot.  It's pretty common.

She obviously has no business telling you you can't wear a dress or skirt, which is what it sounds like.  I'm sure she wouldn't appreciate it if you told her what she could or couldn't wear.  Hopefully she'll start opening her eyes a little wider.

[Sonja]

Todays update is not about me but my wife.

I have mentioned that the marriage is over and that hasn't changed. I had hoped She would be more accepting with that reality in place but that doesn't seem to be the case. I posted a new profile picture on facebook. Even my Mother had to give in and say things have changed. Not my wife 'technology is very good these days'. Then I get home and she sees my breasts. Gee they are big she says, I say yup. Then She says but they can't be real... wtf? They surely are the pain I went through proves that one! The final thing that really upset me was her request that I wear pants today because her friend is visiting... like what earthly difference does it make? Its not like I could look male either way!

I have to conclude that She is still in denial and will never accept the truth. I find it sad.

@krobinson103
Hi Kelly,
Ok hope you don't mind but I've picked out an outfit for you to wear,
Tight white t-shirt, black bra, black skinny jeans - ie pants, pink belt and  thin strap black high heels.....there you see, compromise....
Ok I'm being a bit cheeky, I suppose it comes down to how she asked and how long this type of compromise continues for - if its supposed to be long term then....
There always seems to be at least one daily personal challenge these days...

Take care,

Sonja.

[krobinson103]

@krobinson103
Hi Kelly,
Ok hope you don't mind but I've picked out an outfit for you to wear,
Tight white t-shirt, black bra, black skinny jeans - ie pants, pink belt and  thin strap black high heels.....there you see, compromise....
Ok I'm being a bit cheeky, I suppose it comes down to how she asked and how long this type of compromise continues for - if its supposed to be long term then....
There always seems to be at least one daily personal challenge these days...

Take care,

Sonja.

I actually did something similar just not as extreme. :p Tight skinny jeans with flowers on them, form fitting top with form fitting figure flattering jumper. Its not a skirt but it looks even more feminine than what I would have worn lol.

[krobinson103]

@krobinson103
So sad to hear about what is going on with you and your wife....  huh?  she wants you wear pants ... and with big boobs on display on your chest and your feminine appearance....    How does that make sense??? 

I guess that I may have missed it, but what kind of acceptance are you getting from your mom and your other family members???

Hang in there, bite your tongue, and after your wife's friend's visit is over, you should go shopping and treat yourself to some new clothes and/or shoes....  or at least copious amounts of chocolate. 

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Oh it makes no sense. she is just trying to deny the truth. Interestingly she said if I don't get changed when I get home don't home at all. So... maybe I just don't come home and find someone to keep me company tonight. Now that would push her buttons a lot!

As for other family? Not overly accepting. Supportive in that I gave them no choice in the matter.

[krobinson103]

Well a really great day. I went to a conservative Christian  wedding today and was...

ACCEPTED totally as female by a room full of strangers. Not one odd look, treated the same way as any other woman there. There was truly nothing to fear. I've made it...

Today is a totally awesome day.

[ChrissyRyan]

That is fantastic how things went so well at the wedding!


Chrissy

[Northern Star Girl]

Well a really great day. I went to a conservative Christian  wedding today and was...

ACCEPTED totally as female by a room full of strangers. Not one odd look, treated the same way as any other woman there. There was truly nothing to fear. I've made it...

Today is a totally awesome day.

@krobinson103
Your post and comments reminded me of just before I went full-time...  being at an event like a wedding will all of those strangers and some  people that know you and who you were can be frightening, nervewracking and exciting and confidence building... all at the same time.

It sounds to me like you passed the test!!!!
Yes indeed....  like the title of your thread, for you it was "A totally awesome day"

Thank you for your good news update,
Hugs,
Danielle

[Rachel]

I am glad things went well at the wedding. Being accepted as who we are is such a wonderful feeling.

I know about the heartache of a marriage that is lost and the pain of seeing it end. People told me this and I did not believe them. It will get better in time, after it is done and you have started to fine your new way in a new life. 

[Sonja]

@krobinson103
Hi Kelly,
That's great news about the wedding, I'm glad you were able to just be yourself. I grew up with fairly conservative christian parents and surrounded by christian people in NZ, the vast majority of whom were the kindest, gentlest people I've ever known. Of course there were a few bad eggs here and there but all communities have that.

Sonja.

[krobinson103]

Haven't updated for a while. Not too much has been happening.

Work is finally resolving with people actually making an effort to get pronouns right.
This weekend I help out at a pride festival and will party till the dawn.
Breast pain has hit a new peak of nastiness.
I got called 'dear' not mate by an indian parent of one of my students.
I was actually referred to as a lady at 6pm 13 hours after shaving in a takeaway shop yesterday.

... and ...

My wife seems to be coming around. She has finally accepted that while we may have to live together for financial and kid reasons we do need to have separate lives. She has also expressed a desire to live as friends and when we do separate to do so on good terms.

[Northern Star Girl]

@krobinson103
That is certainly great news about being addressed by proper pronouns and that others are making a real effort to get that right... especially at work.

Regarding your home and family situation... I am so very glad to hear that you and your wife have worked out a compromise of sorts....   this is not only good for you and your wife but also your kid.   I am pleased to hear about this.

Thank you for keeping your thread updated.  Your story, while it does have it's ups and downs, is very encouraging to others that are now facing what you have encountered and dealt with in your transition journey.

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Haven't updated for a while. Not too much has been happening.

Work is finally resolving with people actually making an effort to get pronouns right.
This weekend I help out at a pride festival and will party till the dawn.
Breast pain has hit a new peak of nastiness.
I got called 'dear' not mate by an indian parent of one of my students.
I was actually referred to as a lady at 6pm 13 hours after shaving in a takeaway shop yesterday.

... and ...

My wife seems to be coming around. She has finally accepted that while we may have to live together for financial and kid reasons we do need to have separate lives. She has also expressed a desire to live as friends and when we do separate to do so on good terms.

[krobinson103]

@krobinson103
That is certainly great news about being addressed by proper pronouns and that others are making a real effort to get that right... especially at work.

Regarding your home and family situation... I am so very glad to hear that you and your wife have worked out a compromise of sorts....   this is not only good for you and your wife but also your kid.   I am pleased to hear about this.

Thank you for keeping your thread updated.  Your story, while it does have it's ups and downs, is very encouraging to others that are now facing what you have encountered and dealt with in your transition journey.

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

This weekend I'll be at pride on my own and volunteering most of the day, then partying till dawn. Given my... increased ... libido and a wife who SAID find some place to sleep I think I let myself have a bit of harmless fun. It is after all a pride party and a safe place to do so. Now that will an interesting thing to reflect on.

[Northern Star Girl]

This weekend I'll be at pride on my own and volunteering most of the day, then partying till dawn. Given my... increased ... libido and a wife who SAID find some place to sleep I think I let myself have a bit of harmless fun. It is after all a pride party and a safe place to do so. Now that will an interesting thing to reflect on.

@krobinson103
Oh, wow, that sounds like a nice event for you to attend in your present stage of your transition journey.
I will be anticipating and eagerly awaiting your update report (and perhaps some pictures?)

You mentioned that you will be volunteering at the PRIDE event.... what kinds of things will you be doing there?

Thanks for your update.
Well wishes to you as always,
Danielle

[krobinson103]

@krobinson103
Oh, wow, that sounds like a nice event for you to attend in your present stage of your transition journey.
I will be anticipating and eagerly awaiting your update report (and perhaps some pictures?)

You mentioned that you will be volunteering at the PRIDE event.... what kinds of things will you be doing there?

Thanks for your update.
Well wishes to you as always,
Danielle

Setup, Take down etc. I also volunteered for the big pride event in Aucklands board of organizers as they are short of a few hands. Lotsa work but something I can do to help others and make their journey easier than my own.

[krobinson103]

Well the facilitator of the Men's support group came and visited yesterday. He wanted to ask something I felt was rather odd. He wanted me to attend his group. I challenged him on that and made it clear that my birth gender has never actually been me, and I doubted what I could bring to his group.

His answer made me pause... perspective. As in the perspective of a mostly female yet non binary person who has seen both sides of the fence. This then made me think. The more I transition the more I have to accept that I am indeed non binary and that rejecting everything 'male' is perhaps a step too far.

Perhaps the next step in my transition is to revisit some of what I have rejected and try to reintegrate it into my life in a more palatable form. Perhaps presenting as female to the world and acceptiing that my strength comes from my past may actually excise some of the doubts that remain.

I'm going to give it a chance... because I cannot reject out of hand what was without losing some of who I am. That doesn't mean I won't present female there though. :p