A totally awesome day

[krobinson103]

@krobinson103
Thank you for your update....  all good news in several areas of your life.
I love it, you are building for yourself a place of your own.... a woman shed.

It sounds like your BBQ was indeed a fun time.... and very self-assuring for you.

I am very glad that you have found a way to have a stable agreement with your wife..... 
....oh, and your girlfriend... I will be looking for your future updates to tell us more about that.

Ahhhh,  having Suitors, yes indeed that is most assuring and confidence building for most transgenders.
This suitor stuff is brand new for all of us MTF or FTM  alike.   
The big important thing for me that I always share on my thread is that I try to not go too quickly with romantic relationships... runaway emotions is something that I have to keep control of... and that can be most difficult because of my inexperience being the one that is pursued.  

I love your final thought about everyday being awesome.
Thank you for sharing and posting... your followers are your biggest fans.
Hugs,
Danielle 

Err yes being called the most beautiful and amazing woman someone has ever met does tend to go to your head. Definitely not used to that! But, at the same time, there is so much going on I don't need more complications - raging hormones on no!

[krobinson103]

Well the saga continues! My life is a bit like a cheap soap Opera at the moment.

I'm forging on with stuff for work going ok.
Wife and I had a good chat and she is scared for the future.
Situation with GF is stable.

BUT

As mentioned in the earlier entry this new fellow seems quite serious and doesn't seem to be >-bleeped-<. He has a stable job and is of an age to fit my requirements for a long term partner. Thus, I have a dilemma. Two paths open for me. The first, wait 2 years for Linda while sorting out the family stuff and in general tidying up the lose ends.

OR

Encourage this man who seems to be willing to go the lengths of actually flying here to visit me (from the states) and see where that takes this journey. This of course would really complicate things, and sink the leaky titanic that is whats left of my marriage. Its tempting to investigate this path because if offers a potential 'fresh start'

I'm approaching another really major fork in the road and as it gets closer the responsibilities from the past weight heavily on me. It would be nice to escape the 'male' role all together and well just be me and let someone else take some of the lead...

I am seriously not used to being popular! This feels really, really strange.

Today is a perplexing... but still awesome day.

[krobinson103]

Surgery consult in 2 weeks! I'm so happy I could burst!

[krobinson103]

I built a shed over the past week and moved most of the things from the garage. Garage carpet comes in a week or two. I've begun to modify the garage into a combined office and bedroom. My wife is starting to spend time with more people independently which is good. The situation described a few posts back still perplexes me. I am tempted to let down the shields a little and see if He is sincere. Thing is I think I may have forgotten how. A poor marriage for over a decade, the previous dysphoria. Leaves me suspicous and defensive when people are actually nice to me.

Yesterday i was told I beautiful, talented, hardworking, and a catch. Now yes... He wants something - me but I realized something. I don't feel like I'm any of those things. I like how I look but would I call it beautiful? No. If being talented means being ok and at a lot of different things maybe again I don't see it. Hard work is a given to me and as for being a catch? I don't buy it. I think I need to deal with this elf esteem thing as it seems to be a hangover from the past that definitely doesn't want to follow me forward.

Something is very clear though. The future is calling. Everything I wanted to line up is. The question now is what do I do when it all does? Whats the next big plan for Kelly?

[krobinson103]

Yesterday I made a decision.

As mentioned previously I've had a rather ardent suitor for a while who despite my laying out all the facts and potential pitfalls wouldn't be put off. After a lot of reflection on the risk and reward of the situation and taking into account the current situation at home (train wreck all but complete!) I came to the conclusion that letting down my shields and take a risk is worth it.

To this end we'll have a visitor to our town for two months (his idea). Given my wife and I only really live under the same roof and he is willing to fund this venture I feel its worth exploring the possibilities. Its sooner than I would have preferred but both my wife and myself feel constricted with the current situation so maybe its time.

Oh yes, I also had a facial for the first time in my life... have to say... Why didn't I do it before? Very nice.
Here's to new beginnings...

[Northern Star Girl]

Yesterday I made a decision.

As mentioned previously I've had a rather ardent suitor for a while who despite my laying out all the facts and potential pitfalls wouldn't be put off. After a lot of reflection on the risk and reward of the situation and taking into account the current situation at home (train wreck all but complete!) I came to the conclusion that letting down my shields and take a risk is worth it.

To this end we'll have a visitor to our town for two months (his idea). Given my wife and I only really live under the same roof and he is willing to fund this venture I feel its worth exploring the possibilities. Its sooner than I would have preferred but both my wife and myself feel constricted with the current situation so maybe its time.

Oh yes, I also had a facial for the first time in my life... have to say... Why didn't I do it before? Very nice.
Here's to new beginnings...

@krobinson103
Very interesting update....  I can fully understand the emotions and many new feelings that you are now having with your new suitor and with how well your transition journey is going for you.   

Definitely sounds exciting and you are no doubt very excited considering all of the issues at home and the fact that you are now being pursued  (it's a great feeling to be wanted)....   the only advice, and you did not solicit it so please forgive me, is for you to consider going forward with  it somewhat slow and careful as you navigate the mine fields of romantic relationships in your new trans-woman body and mind.   Just saying!!!

I will be looking forward to your continued updates as you feel free to post them.
Hugs and best wishes,
Danielle

[krobinson103]

@krobinson103
Very interesting update....  I can fully understand the emotions and many new feelings that you are now having with your new suitor and with how well your transition journey is going for you.   

Definitely sounds exciting and you are no doubt very excited considering all of the issues at home and the fact that you are now being pursued  (it's a great feeling to be wanted)....   the only advice, and you did not solicit it so please forgive me, is for you to consider going forward with  it somewhat slow and careful as you navigate the mine fields of romantic relationships in your new trans-woman body and mind.   Just saying!!!

I will be looking forward to your continued updates as you feel free to post them.
Hugs and best wishes,
Danielle

Danielle,

Thanks for that. Am I excited? Not yet.Cautiously optimistic expecting some MAJOR push back from extended family. Still this is something that has to be done. I would have preferred later but too many boxes ticked to not see if it works. Will I take it slowly? You bet. Thats why I've been gathering information for the last two months to see if this man is really serious. He seems to be if he's willing to put his money where his mouth is and accept my condition that most of my money supports the family.

[krobinson103]

Trying to remain objective and keep the long game and the families welfare foremost in my thoughts but this fellow is too darn likeable and HRT enhanced emotions are chipping away at my shields.

[Northern Star Girl]

Trying to remain objective and keep the long game and the families welfare foremost in my thoughts but this fellow is too darn likeable and HRT enhanced emotions are chipping away at my shields.

bridge to engineering:   Scotty !
      Our cloaking device is not working, they can see us now... 
         ...do what you can to keep the shields up!!!

[krobinson103]

bridge to engineering:   Scotty !
      Our cloaking device is not working, they can see us now... 
         ...do what you can to keep the shields up!!!

I think the 'issue' is that I actually like being wanted for just being me. Not being Dad, not being provider... just me. That hasn't happened for a very long time. Had a fairly long conversation yesterday and I just get a good feeling - similar to when I left for Korea, or met my wife, or came back to New Zealand to retrain, or decided to transition. they all had their costs but the end result was always overwhelmingly positive.

The fact is EVERYTHING is going according to plan. Work, surgery processing, social integration (done in most respects), HRT, laser hair removal, family, even dropped a little weight the last couple of weeks. I keep expecting some major disaster cause life never works like this for me. Life is just right. I even like what I see in the mirror!

Kinda feels like living in a dream. I keep thinking I'll wake up and find it wasn't real... but it is.

[krobinson103]

Well an interesting little story from today;

Went to my girls school gala. I was with my youngest. She said dress like a man. I said sweetie I can't I have no mens clothes. She says oh... can you wear pants then? So I decided to be nice to her. No makeup, very plain clothes. Skinny jeans, boring top, woolen jersey. She says to the woman at the stall we were at...

"I'm spending my daddy's money"

She looks at her, looks at me then says (looking at me)

"Oh so where is your dad? Is he in the hall?"

I thought for a bit and decided to just enjoy the moment of being viewed as mum and just said yes lol.

The night before I went out with a women friend to the movies. First 'date' I've had in a long time actually. So we went and saw Bohemian Rhapsody. Good movie. On the way home it was cold walking to the car. So I pull out my backup sweater and she looks at me and says...

"you're such a girl!"

I looked her right in the eyes and said that's the nicest thing you've said all night.

[Northern Star Girl]

@krobinson103
Wow, such  wonderful and terrific moments for you... 
That was so very sweet about your daughter... and then the woman that asked where her dad was.   
... and your reply to the woman was quick thinking and so appropriate...   
Most certainly very sweet and memorable moments.

At your "date night" at the movie with you woman friend....
            "You're such a girl!"

Certainly all of this is very affirming ....  keep on keeping on....
Thank you for sharing.
Hugs,
Danielle

[krobinson103]

@krobinson103
Wow, such  wonderful and terrific moments for you... 
That was so very sweet about your daughter... and then the woman that asked where her dad was.   
... and your reply to the woman was quick thinking and so appropriate...   
Most certainly very sweet and memorable moments.

At your "date night" at the movie with you woman friend....
            "You're such a girl!"

Certainly all of this is very affirming ....  keep on keeping on....
Thank you for sharing.
Hugs,
Danielle

Thanks

On the plus side she said she'd go on a date with me any time. Probably won't push that particular relationship till everything that is in play has been decided though. Things are complicated enough with two possibilities to add a third!

[krobinson103]

Well today I went to the pool and didn't worry about shorts over my swimsuit. The skirt is sufficient to hide what bulge there is even without tucking but in all honestly... I don't care anymore.

... and my daughter keeps calling me mum without meaning to. We might just be winning.

[krobinson103]

Well I've been doing some due diligence on this new man and it looks more and more like he is the genuine article so I've given the green light for the visit which raises a new ethical dilemma! Linda, with whom I have an open relationship with the understanding that if we are both still free in a year or so we live together and make a go of it, is very much in my thoughts.

I do love her, and, given the right timing we could make a life together I think. At the same time my new man who seems determined to prove himself would make a good fit also, would solve the living with my kids mother (long term...) problem, and allow me to merge right into the fabric of society by being a woman with a man (a very attractive prospect). It would also give the kids a more hetero normative male role model in their lives. I make a very poor role model in that regard!

I know this though, I can't have my cake and eat it to. He is going to want exclusivity (as would I). I'm still not 100% convinced that he is the one but I want to give him the chance. That means in all fairness to Linda I should tell her.
Just to make things more complex my date in the weekend was also a success and she told me she is happy to go on more.

Whats a girl to do?

[krobinson103]

Well I told my wife and eldest daughter about my plan to meet Mack (army dude) and they both....

Approve

That wasn't the response I was expecting.

[krobinson103]

Dysphoria lurks under the surface it seems.

Today the mother of my children (can't call her my wife anymore) said her mother was visiting us in october next year. My youngest said can you pretend to be a man? I snapped said in no uncertain terms that person is dead and he is not coming back for anything, or anyone. I though the pain was going away but just one little thought of even doing that for a week was revolting beyond anything else.

[krobinson103]

Well life moves apace!

I have a third date this Friday night with my lady friend we are going to see a late movie and decide what to do after that - I won't end up going home though this I know. My Man is looking more and more real and I think at this point its getting pretty certain he is coming and he is beginning to win my trust. Linda (long distance gf) I'm going to have to have to talk to as things are coming to a head here! I'm coming to a crossroads where I need to make a decision on just one of my THREE possible partners - but not quite yet.

My ex wife and I are getting along ok, bit subdued with all the changes coming up. She is anxious about the future but I have assured her she will be supported until she is able to do so for herself. Seems she has a new semi-serious boy friend which keeps her happy and perhaps offers a potential future path. The kids know about our visitor in December and seem to be excited to meet him.

Surgery consult next Monday! YAY! I'm so looking forward to that. Laser is moving along nicely added my upper lip to the treatment plan as home laser was getting a bit overwhelmed. Got to the point I don't need makeup or foundation anymore just use moisturizer and bb cream and shadow is simply.. not there for at least 24 hours.

My hair is now down to my shoulders and past my neck with my hairline regenerating! The girl at the laser place looked at me last week, looked at my chart (which shows your age etc) and said "you can't be 44" I said thanks, How old do I look? She said 30. I asked why and she said I had no wrinkles.. at all. I used to have many.


I can truly say for the first time in a long time that I'm excited about the future.

Another totally awesome day in a year of totally awesome days.

[Northern Star Girl]

@krobinson103
A very interesting update....  lots of things going on in your life.

So it seems that you are involved in a decision about your 3 possible partners....   I seem to be able to identify with that kind of issue with multiple romantic entanglements.   Going slow and careful is my best advice and try to not let your heart overrule your brain and vice-versa.   

Great news about your hair situation and looking 14 years younger that your age...  I think that the girl at the Laser Place may need flowers and/or chocolate.

Question:  How did your daughter react to your answer to her request that you "pretend to be a man"  when your wife's mother comes to visit next year?

Thank you for your update,
As always I am wishing your well,
Danielle

[krobinson103]

@krobinson103
A very interesting update....  lots of things going on in your life.

So it seems that you are involved in a decision about your 3 possible partners....   I seem to be able to identify with that kind of issue with multiple romantic entanglements.   Going slow and careful is my best advice and try to not let your heart overrule your brain and vice-versa.   

Great news about your hair situation and looking 14 years younger that your age...  I think that the girl at the Laser Place may need flowers and/or chocolate.

Question:  How did your daughter react to your answer to her request that you "pretend to be a man"  when your wife's mother comes to visit next year?

Thank you for your update,
As always I am wishing your well,
Danielle

She cried at first, then a few hours later came in and said she understood. So a good outcome. But what surprised me was the sheer revulsion I felt of even the idea...