Coming to terms with sexual orientation as your true self

[Nero]

I never gave my attraction to men much thought. It didn't matter that I had the heart of a man, I was clearly 'female'.
When I came to terms with being trans, I suddenly faced the concept that I was a man attracted to other men. I always knew I was bisexual, but this was different.

It took me a long time to stop giving a rat's behind that my love for women was 'sin' and 'unnatural'. I felt dirty and shameful as a child because of that.

And now... what does my love for other men say about who I am?
What does it say about me as a man?

How did you come to terms with your sexual orientation as your true self?

[Lisbeth]

Well...  I really didn't have as much trouble with my sexual orientation as I did with other things.  When my gender identity clarified itself, my orientation slowly came into focus.  It's the other things that are still a struggle.

[Kate]

It took me a long time to stop giving a rat's behind that my love for women was 'sin' and 'unnatural'. I felt dirty and shameful as a child because of that.

I STILL think gay (male-to-male) sex is icky, lol. Not a moral judgement, it's just... not for me. Which seriously messes one up when they DO want to be with a male, but not AS a male. So...

How did you come to terms with your sexual orientation as your true self?

I haven't. Not yet, and maybe not ever. Wrong body still, and married, and I just cannot imagine any straight, non-TS-chasing male wanting to be with me. So it remains untouched, unexplored.

~Kate~

[tinkerbell]

I've never had any problems or reservations with my sexual orientation.  I've always considered myself a heterosexual woman although prior to transition, I was forced to say that I was "gay" for obvious reasons.

tink

[Sandy]

What I'm finding as my life continues, I find it's ok to look at guys.

I feel my orientation has not changed through my transition and I consider myself a lesbian.  But now that I don't have the stigma of masculinity to deal with, feel I can look at and appreciate the male form openly.  I'm finding some guys cute, others handsome but being in a romantic situation with a man still feels alien.  But there was a social situation where a friend of mine and I were chatted up and had drinks bought for us by a cute guy.  It was intriguing...

I don't want to rule anything out right now, and I really don't want to even think about having a relationship with anyone until I complete my surgery.  But I have to admit that as just about everything else in my life has changed so may my sexual orientation and that I may end up as a heterosexual woman.  The prospect neither repulses or attracts me.  How odd...

-Sandy (a little confused...)

[Patroklos]

This has come up in my thoughts quite a bit lately.

The number one reason why I ever delayed my transition was that I was only sexually interested in men and I wanted them to be attracted to me. As a woman, they found me attractive and my sex life flourished. As a man, they may find me attractive but will not be intimate with me because I am a man without the "essential" male equipment.

However, though I normally find women to be sexually repulsive, lately I've been having lots and lots of dreams (and a few waking thoughts) about having relations with women as a man.

Though I still refuse to acknowledge myself as bisexual. I'm a gay man who will never get laid again because I don't have a functional penis.

I feel like ranting. =/

[Laura Elizabeth Jones]

I never gave the idea of sexual orientation much thought at all. But once I started to transition I started to think about it. I thought about the idea of being with a guy and that just grossed me out. I have nothing against that though, its just not for me. Thats when I thought about the idea of becoming a lesbian and that idea was much more appealing. But the problem with that is I am very shy anyway, so the idea of meeting someone is kind of tough. Oh well, I can sort out transition and then go from there.

[Wing Walker]

I never gave my attraction to men much thought. It didn't matter that I had the heart of a man, I was clearly 'female'.
When I came to terms with being trans, I suddenly faced the concept that I was a man attracted to other men. I always knew I was bisexual, but this was different.

It took me a long time to stop giving a rat's behind that my love for women was 'sin' and 'unnatural'. I felt dirty and shameful as a child because of that.

And now... what does my love for other men say about who I am?
What does it say about me as a man?

How did you come to terms with your sexual orientation as your true self?

Hi, Nero,

There is much more to how I came to terms with myself and my sexual orientation than I will ever tell on any message board.  It was a rather arduous journey, prolonged by my ignorance and the perceptions of those who make the societal rules.

I have never had an attraction to a man, no matter how handsome, sexy, or how "hot" he was.  I would spray lunch getting that close to a man.

I have always been attracted to women, and not in the usual "Me Tarzan, you Jane" sort of way.  To be near that which I worshipped is what I felt when my female partner would allow me to feel that way.  None understood my needs because my physical appearance blinded them to me.  They saw XY and I felt 1.5X and 0.5Y, is you will.  I yielded to the Y-portion because it was expected of me.

I came to terms with who I am as soon as I said it lot loud, in the presence of a few.  I "spilled my guts" one night and it lasted 2.5 hours but it was all "out on the table."  Immediately I knew that I would have none in my life other than a woman, preferably a transsexual woman.

Had I not chosen to have my soulmate and lifepartner I would have sought a lasting, committed, monogamous relationship with another lesbian.

Wing Walker
Cut Me and I Bleed Lavender?

P.S.  Love for a night is hard enough to find.  Love that lasts forever, now that's a pearl of great price, and finding such a pearl is to me no sin or shame.

[Marlene]

I may be finished with transition, but my orientation is still working itself out.  Prior to transition I had no interest in men.  I kept to myself in high school and didn't seriously date until I was 25.  And then I married that first person.  It was a combination of desperation and trying to be what I was supposed to be.  Looking back it's easy to see that things weren't right in the first six months, but we stayed together for 14 years.

Once I hit the wall and came out orientation was put on the back shelf.  For a while I didn't feel attracted to anyone.  Sometime after I started HRT I started to notice some guys.  Now I'm NOT saying HRT did anything, the timing was coincidental.  It was at that point in my self-acceptance that some of those old barriers and taboos started to come crashing down.  Kinda like I denied who I was for so long, I had done the same with who I was attracted to.  However, while in transition I would not allow myself to get involved with anyone as it was too problematic.  The biggest problem being my own feelings of dissonance.  I couldn't go there.

But now transition is over.  My mind and body are in sync and I can, for the first time, give myself totally to another.  I'm looking forward to my first post-transition relationship.

[Butterfly]

Nothing has changed with my sexual orientation.  Thats a completely different issue.  Is it supposed to change as one transitions?  Dunno.  Maybe we dont change but turn into ourselves instead.

[Marlene]

Nothing has changed with my sexual orientation.

From who's perspective?  If you liked girls before and still do that means you're now a lesbian.  You might think you're orientation hasn't changed, but to the world it sure has.

Thats a completely different issue.

True, but the two are linked.  Like I said it depends on the perspective of the observer.

Is it supposed to change as one transitions?  Dunno.  Maybe we dont change but turn into ourselves instead.

Yes, that's the point I made, I became my true self.  Again, change depends on your perspective.  For instance I was apparently straight before and I'm straight now, but who I'm attracted to has changed.  Is it supposed to change?  That's a completely individual experience.  Some people remain attracted to the same kinds of people, some people objects of attraction change, some find they like both and some are asexual.  I like to tell people who are just starting out to "be open to the possibilities".  I've even read of several people who went through such a change years after SRS!


Fascinating no?

[Butterfly]

From whos perspective?

Obviously Im talking from my perspective; thats why I said Nothing has changed with MY sexual orientation

True, but the two are linked.  Like I said it depends on the perspective of the observer.

~laugh~ are they?  thats just too universal & YOUR opinion.  I will need to see supportive data to make that assertion.  I dont believe anything that peeps tell me these days.  I have got to see evidence.

[Marlene]

From whos perspective?

Obviously Im talking from my perspective; thats why I said Nothing has changed with MY sexual orientation

True, but the two are linked.  Like I said it depends on the perspective of the observer.

~laugh~ are they?  thats just too universal & YOUR opinion.  I will need to see supportive data to make that assertion.  I dont believe anything that peeps tell me these days.  I have got to see evidence.

No evidence is needed!  And it's not opinion, it's fact.  It's the nature of our problem (brain-body mismatch) and the process of emerging into our true selves.

Attracted to girls before and after.  You see no change, but the world does.  They saw a straight person before and a lesbian now.

Attracted to boys before and after.  You see no change, but the world does.  They saw a gay person before and a straight person now.

Attracted to girls before and boys after.  You see a change, but the world doesn't.  You appeared staright before and straight now.


How can you not agree that to the world you're orientation has changed?  Like it or not the world is binary and from their point of view your orientation has changed.


This really belongs in a whole 'nother post but... Look at the ENDA debate.  It's a perfect example of how sex and gender are linked.  To have legislation with real teeth the two have to be covered in one inclusive bill.  The revised bill (HR3685 orientation only) only covers straight acting/looking gays.  Any gender variant gay or lesbian can still be legally discriminated against.  The bill practically spells out for employers how to get around the law: Saying discrimination based on gender identity, or percieved gender identity, is okay.  You can't fully protect either class (gays/lesbians or transgendered) unless you protect BOTH.  The two are inexnorably linked.  Different, but linked.

[NicholeW.]

Sexuality. That's pretty easy. I have a sexuality and a sexual attraction. But, I find that my attraction is eversomore dependent on to whom I am attracted to as a person than with whom I am attracted to as a gender.

I am currently in a lesbian relationship and quite content for it to remain that way for the rest of my life. But my attraction to my lesbian partner was me being attracted to the person she is and not to her gender.

If something should intervene to end that relationship and I were still alive afterwards I can easily conceive of being attracted to males or toward another female. (I would include trans, but as I see us as being one gender or the other I find it unnecessary to make that statement, although I spoz I just did.) 

I have consistently throughout my adult life perceived myself as having a sexual orientation that matched my gender: with women lesbian, with men straight.

I suppose that makes me innately bisexual?

[Sheila]

I don't know what orientation I have. I could care less about sex. I do like people. I don't care what gender they are just as long as they are nice. I like to be around people and I never think that I want to be with them for the reason of sex. I'm married and my partner and I are best of friends.

Sheila

[LostInTime]

I was pretty much a homophobe while growing up. I was always afraid that if I let anything show that people would figure out how different I was from others and blow my cover.

When I first transitioned, I happily identified as a lesbian and continued to see women. On this go around I have explored my sexuality and other things and have discovered quite a bit. With discovery and having safe spaces I allowed myself to open my mind to new possibilities. A couple of men I met worked with me on my trust issues and I soon found myself being more and more attracted to a person, regardless of their gender.

The only inkling I had of my shifting sexuality prior to this occurred during a television show where I saw a guy who really tripped my trigger. It was a single occurrence so I did not think much on it then but looking back....

[Laura91]

I never gave the idea of sexual orientation much thought at all. But once I started to transition I started to think about it. I thought about the idea of being with a guy and that just grossed me out. I have nothing against that though, its just not for me. Thats when I thought about the idea of becoming a lesbian and that idea was much more appealing. But the problem with that is I am very shy anyway, so the idea of meeting someone is kind of tough. Oh well, I can sort out transition and then go from there.

Yeah, what she said. 

[Ms Bev]

Before I came to terms with being transsexual, I considered myself strictly heterosexual.  Now that I'm a transwoman, I know with utter certainty that I'm lesbian.  No biggie, it was just like:  *....ohh....now I get it."  It's just who I am, and I embrace it. 


Happy lesbian Bev

[Blanche]

Mine hasn't changed.  I'm asexual, have always been. I'm not attracted to anything.  I don't think that transition, self-acceptance or hormones can change a person's sexual preference anyway.

[Sarah]

I like way more girls than I do guys.
I do like guys, but they are rare of the type I like.
I'd say I'm probably somthing like 90-10 or 95-5.
I like going down on both.

Coming to terms?
I try to be honest with myself.
There's nothing wrong with liking either or both.

I like guys with either cut, clean muscular bods, or sensitive personality's with airing on the "dom" side.
I like girls who are fit, sporty, inteligent, and don't mind showing off their body.
Same goes with guys I guess.
Girls tend to be more hygenic than guys, as well as have a better fashon sense which I am definitely attracted too.
If you don't have a good fashon sense: forget it. come back with somthing hot and/or original on.
I am attracted to people who are hot and know it. I do like shy types, but they tend to be to much of emo basket cases, for me to want to pusue.
Being overwight is only a non issue for me with guys.
Umm, so yeah. I'm a college kid. I don't care.

They better shave too.
Guys or girls.

-Sarah