The talk with your spouse

[krobinson103]

Hello,

The time is coming fast that my wife has to know what is happening. To not tell her and let her own perceptions figure things out is worse than lying and she surely can't help but notice.  Especially since we use a bathroom in common and people tend to wander in and out at will. She noticed small physical changes some months back, but I played it off as being fat.  Things have taken off and the changes aren't small anymore.

My extended family council more time. I know that I;m not the same person and it shows. Inside and out. Still have three weeks alone before she returns with the kids. 90% she runs regardless and tries to take the kids with her. Dad suggested I'm being selfish by actually acknowledging the real me. I don't think so as my will, spirit, and relationship were being poisoned by not liking the skin I was in.

Bottom line, I have 3-4 weeks once they return to tell her as kindly as possible and ride out the storm. Any experiences or advice?

[Cheaney]

Man that's a tough situation you're in. Originally when I discovered I was trans my plan was to not tell her and just start everything. The more advice I got on here the more I realized how bad of an idea that was.

My advice is just tell her and be as authentic and genuine as you can be. And don't always take the first reaction as their set in stone opinion either good or bad. My wife didn't believe me when I told her. Then she went into some kind of rage a couple of days later where I found all of our wedding photos on the ground. But then she got into counseling and she's my biggest ally.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Jessica_Rose]

If at all possible, wait until after Christmas. Although I certainly hope it goes well, coming out to your wife and/or family just before or on Christmas has the potential to 'ruin' the holidays. Everyone will be emotionally charged and if they do not accept it their reaction will be magnified because of the holidays.

I came out to my wife of 33 years in February 2017. I knew I would never get the words out, so I wrote her a letter and gave it to her while we were in bed. It did not go well. We are still together and I have hope that we will be able to work things out. One of our daughters graduated college two years ago and is on her own about 1000 miles away, the other is a Junior in college about 500 miles away. They will both be home for the holidays, and I plan to tell them a few days after Christmas.

Hiding my true self all of these years slowly poisoned me. I became increasingly frustrated and angry, and my family paid the price. Continuing down that path would have been a poor choice for everyone. All a parent should ever want is for their children to be happy. I realize it does not work this way most of the time. I plan to come out to my parents in February or March, and I expect that will be the last time I see them. I realize how sad that sounds, but I know continuing down my original path would not have ended well.

[krobinson103]

We haven't slept in the same room for at least two years, and I've been unable to service her needs for a year before that. Low T and and a deep down conviction I should be her. Body picked up on that and along with poorly chosen food over the last few years it drifted away from being male. Been a bit overweight for the last year so it wasn't super noticeable. When she left for a break with the kids I targeted my diet for weight lose and transition. Both of which are working well.

A bit too well for her suspect, but this path is started and I'm not going back. As I lose weight the differences become more obvious. Going to the doctor today to get some tests done and start the process of obtaining HRT as it is clearly time and I would regret it the rest of my life if I didn't.

I think you need to stay true to yourself before you can be true to others, so basing life on a lie simply doesn't work. I'm not sure if She can understand this, I know She will feel betrayed, angry, upset, and bewildered. However, seeing myself now, I see that the denial of me made me a poor Husband and Father, and generally very unhappy. This time alone gave me the space to really examine what life is about, who I am, what I want for my wife and kids, and I feel it is a gift, a reset of life that short term has issues, but long term massive benefits.

I hope She can also see this truth.

[Rachel]

My wife and I struggled to remain married. In the end we divorced. It had been a very difficule 5 years for us. Divorce in the end has given us a path to help close our time together as being married and open a different life as single.

The coming out and develpoing need to fully transition was a very difficult time.

When I came out I appologized to her for never being able to sexually initiate and for times I did not feel well to act on her advances. I truely thought I could play the part but I just could not go on.

[krobinson103]

My wife and I struggled to remain married. In the end we divorced. It had been a very difficule 5 years for us. Divorce in the end has given us a path to help close our time together as being married and open a different life as single.

The coming out and develpoing need to fully transition was a very difficult time.

When I came out I appologized to her for never being able to sexually initiate and for times I did not feel well to act on her advances. I truely thought I could play the part but I just could not go on.

These are my feelings exactly. I tried to do the right thing, play the part. But, you can't deny your own identity forever. Is the timing right? I didn't ask this to start so fast. Will the timing ever be right for her? Probably never. I just know that in my soul this is truly the right thing to do.

[KathyLauren]

My marriage is working well, but one reason it survived was because I made sure that telling her was the first thing I did.  It sounds like you don't have that option any more, so you'll have to make the best of the situation.

Tell her sooner, rather than later.  The longer you wait, the worse it will be.  The Christmas holiday complicates that, because everyone's emotions run higher, and expectations of perfection make people frustrated.  You will need to judge for yourself where the break-even point is between telling her as soon as you can and not spoiling the holidays.

Be as gentle as possible, but there's no way to tell her that won't be a shock to her, and there is no time when you will feel ready.  So, at some point, you'll just have to take a deep breath and get the words out.  Writing a letter is an option if talking is too hard.

Don't let what your dad said influence you, and don't let your expectations of what she will do influence you.  This is about you being yourself.  Unless you want to live with the dysphoria (a valid option for some), you have to do it.

[JoanneB]

My wife, BFF, and reality therapist of almost 40 years now, who knew of my gender issues from Day 1 was still.... "Upset" when I dropped the T-Bomb on her some 8 years ago. Way too much time alone took it's toll as well as the loss of my "Go-To" methods of beating down the GD. By the end of my third TG Support Group meeting I knew I needed to be there, and it was almost or just maybe too late to tell my wife what was up.

You are right, lying is bad. Her finding out on her own is even worse (End of marriage #1 for me). Betrayal is wife's big Hot-Button issue in life, and I apparently pressed it. "Just a CD" for 30 some years was the reality for me after 2 failed transition experiments in my youth (Which she knew about). Today there is still a tinge of those feelings in her. Betrayal also seems to be a common response for many spouses.

Both partners have to want to keep the relationship going and both need to put a LOT of work into making it work. It isn't an easy thing to do. If things were a lot on the shaky side, the willingness to make it work and putting in the real work may not be there

[krobinson103]

Thank you for the insights. We'll create a really awesome family xmas (who knows it may be the last) and tell her when its over and the new year has begun. By then the bloods etc will be through and its only a matter of telling the GP the talk is done and the journey in earnest begins.

[Siobhan Amanda]

Telling my wife was very hard, it was one of two people that I felt I wasn't in control telling, and I wasn't. That was a few months ago .the first few weeks were pretty draining but I was honest with her. She knew I was born the way I am she loves me and I her. She will probably leave me but has seen me as a better person at least and that's the reason she's still here at the moment.
Thoughts are with you.
Siobhan

[MeTony]

I struggled 10 years to tell my husband. I imagined worst case scenarios in my mind. We have been a couple for 19 years this year. It got worse and worse for every day that passed. Like an itch that can't be scratched.

Finally, about two months ago, I could not keep it in anymore. He laid in the couch playing on his phone. I sat in the other sofa next to him. Then with a tonne of anxiety I said:

"I am a guy. I have always felt like a guy."

I thought he would throw me out. He didn't. He just said "Ok, do you still love me?" "Good. Then we go from here. "

Could not get a better reaction. But he has made it clear he can't be romantic with me if I grow a beard and have a penis. But we will still be best friends.

So...tell your wife! After x-mas. Maybe as a new year's "surprise". Anyhow she needs to know. It won't get easier by time. It gets worse.


Tony

[krobinson103]

I struggled 10 years to tell my husband. I imagined worst case scenarios in my mind. We have been a couple for 19 years this year. It got worse and worse for every day that passed. Like an itch that can't be scratched.

Finally, about two months ago, I could not keep it in anymore. He laid in the couch playing on his phone. I sat in the other sofa next to him. Then with a tonne of anxiety I said:

"I am a guy. I have always felt like a guy."

I thought he would throw me out. He didn't. He just said "Ok, do you still love me?" "Good. Then we go from here. "

Could not get a better reaction. But he has made it clear he can't be romantic with me if I grow a beard and have a penis. But we will still be best friends.

So...tell your wife! After x-mas. Maybe as a new year's "surprise". Anyhow she needs to know. It won't get easier by time. It gets worse.


Tony

A good practical man you have there. You are very lucky. Hopefully She is just as flexible.

[jessica95]

Hello,

The time is coming fast that my wife has to know what is happening. To not tell her and let her own perceptions figure things out is worse than lying and she surely can't help but notice.  Especially since we use a bathroom in common and people tend to wander in and out at will. She noticed small physical changes some months back, but I played it off as being fat.  Things have taken off and the changes aren't small anymore.

My extended family council more time. I know that I;m not the same person and it shows. Inside and out. Still have three weeks alone before she returns with the kids. 90% she runs regardless and tries to take the kids with her. Dad suggested I'm being selfish by actually acknowledging the real me. I don't think so as my will, spirit, and relationship were being poisoned by not liking the skin I was in.

Bottom line, I have 3-4 weeks once they return to tell her as kindly as possible and ride out the storm. Any experiences or advice?

Your a woman, and she is a woman. So she probably will understand you, when you say it. Just be honest, and tell the whole story, even if its long, so she understands it correctly.  I wouldnt say it's selfish, by acknowledging your gender, you feel better, and so will the people around you, by you being a lot happier. I would say it's a win-win situation for every parts. I guess, as a woman she will understand you and accept you?

[Charlie Nicki]

I struggled 10 years to tell my husband. I imagined worst case scenarios in my mind. We have been a couple for 19 years this year. It got worse and worse for every day that passed. Like an itch that can't be scratched.

Finally, about two months ago, I could not keep it in anymore. He laid in the couch playing on his phone. I sat in the other sofa next to him. Then with a tonne of anxiety I said:

"I am a guy. I have always felt like a guy."

I thought he would throw me out. He didn't. He just said "Ok, do you still love me?" "Good. Then we go from here. "

Could not get a better reaction. But he has made it clear he can't be romantic with me if I grow a beard and have a penis. But we will still be best friends.

So...tell your wife! After x-mas. Maybe as a new year's "surprise". Anyhow she needs to know. It won't get easier by time. It gets worse.


Tony

Wow he had the sweetest reaction! But I am guessing you want a beard indeed and to get top surgery? So what have you guys thought about your future together?

[Charlie Nicki]

Hello,

The time is coming fast that my wife has to know what is happening. To not tell her and let her own perceptions figure things out is worse than lying and she surely can't help but notice.  Especially since we use a bathroom in common and people tend to wander in and out at will. She noticed small physical changes some months back, but I played it off as being fat.  Things have taken off and the changes aren't small anymore.

My extended family council more time. I know that I;m not the same person and it shows. Inside and out. Still have three weeks alone before she returns with the kids. 90% she runs regardless and tries to take the kids with her. Dad suggested I'm being selfish by actually acknowledging the real me. I don't think so as my will, spirit, and relationship were being poisoned by not liking the skin I was in.

Bottom line, I have 3-4 weeks once they return to tell her as kindly as possible and ride out the storm. Any experiences or advice?

As everyone else said, honesty is the best choice. Keep in mind that she might leave at some point, and it could be hurtful but that's OK, you can't expect her to change her sexual orientation just like she can't expect you to keep the male facade.

[MeTony]

Wow he had the sweetest reaction! But I am guessing you want a beard indeed and to get top surgery? So what have you guys thought about your future together?

He has no problems with top surgery he says. But bottom surgery, beard and a name change will be a challenge. Possibly the end of our relationship as partners. But we will still remain friends.


Tony

[Mia Anne]

Hi,
I really feel for what you are presently going through. I've been there myself recently. I actually told my wife this weekend, although she forced the issue somewhat by pretty much guessing what was wrong. I've been through a particularly biting patch of dysphoria that refuses to let go and let me function properly, so I have been withdrawn and riddled with anxiety and depression.
I could see my wife getting more and more frustrated with me, because she could see I was hurting, but I wouldn't/ couldn't  tell her why. I think that if we hadn't talked, our marriage would have been in jeopardy quite soon.
As it is, I have had a really positive result. In a funny sort of way, she understands me better now, and she can see all those parts of me she didn't know were there. Yes, I cried and she cried, but we were more honest with each other than we possibly have ever been, and she understood that what I was telling her was true and that if I didn't do something soon, I might not have been here much longer...
So, here's how I approached the conversation, for what it's worth, bearing in mind that everyone is different:
1. Be honest. Tell her everything, even if it makes you ashamed. My wife knows that I want to transition fully one day, and that scares her a bit, but she has seen how much it has cost me to pretend to be male for so long into my forties. She could see how brave I have had to be.
2. Writing a letter helped me. When I started to cry, I couldn't put my thoughts and feelings into words. My letter did it for me.
3. Let her know how long your feelings have been going on. I told her about an operation I was undergoing when I was four, and how I asked the doctor if I would wake up as a girl. That helped my wife see that this is something that I have been carrying for a long time now.
4. Ask for her help. Use language that indicates that you want to include her in your transition and that you will not be changing immediately. My wife and I will have a conversation this week to negotiate what she is comfortable with and what will be too much this early on. So be a team if you can. Let her in.
5. Have research available to back up what you say. That cuts through all the sensationalist rubbish that the press spews out. Some of the links on this site are fabulous.
6. Keep talking. I spent Sunday making sure she was okay. She took it remarkably well, considering I was expecting to be booted out the house.
7. Know your wife and how she will respond. I knew my wife was very tolerant from conversations we have had about LGBTQ issues. That's not true for everyone, I realise, but seeding your eventual conversation with hints and references might help.
8. If hiding the truth is causing both you and your partner harm, then you owe it to both of you to tell the truth. The risks might outweigh the gains, but hopefully you might strike the jackpot, as I seem to have done.
I've been on an emotional rollercoaster since Sunday, from 'Oh my God, what have I done?!' to a real sense of relief  and pride that I'd made another important step on my epic journey. Today has been the first day that I haven't dreaded for quite a while.
But whatever approach you take, good luck. Seriously. I really hope it works out for you.
Mia

[krobinson103]

Hi,
I really feel for what you are presently going through. I've been there myself recently. I actually told my wife this weekend, although she forced the issue somewhat by pretty much guessing what was wrong. I've been through a particularly biting patch of dysphoria that refuses to let go and let me function properly, so I have been withdrawn and riddled with anxiety and depression.
I could see my wife getting more and more frustrated with me, because she could see I was hurting, but I wouldn't/ couldn't  tell her why. I think that if we hadn't talked, our marriage would have been in jeopardy quite soon.
As it is, I have had a really positive result. In a funny sort of way, she understands me better now, and she can see all those parts of me she didn't know were there. Yes, I cried and she cried, but we were more honest with each other than we possibly have ever been, and she understood that what I was telling her was true and that if I didn't do something soon, I might not have been here much longer...
So, here's how I approached the conversation, for what it's worth, bearing in mind that everyone is different:
1. Be honest. Tell her everything, even if it makes you ashamed. My wife knows that I want to transition fully one day, and that scares her a bit, but she has seen how much it has cost me to pretend to be male for so long into my forties. She could see how brave I have had to be.
2. Writing a letter helped me. When I started to cry, I couldn't put my thoughts and feelings into words. My letter did it for me.
3. Let her know how long your feelings have been going on. I told her about an operation I was undergoing when I was four, and how I asked the doctor if I would wake up as a girl. That helped my wife see that this is something that I have been carrying for a long time now.
4. Ask for her help. Use language that indicates that you want to include her in your transition and that you will not be changing immediately. My wife and I will have a conversation this week to negotiate what she is comfortable with and what will be too much this early on. So be a team if you can. Let her in.
5. Have research available to back up what you say. That cuts through all the sensationalist rubbish that the press spews out. Some of the links on this site are fabulous.
6. Keep talking. I spent Sunday making sure she was okay. She took it remarkably well, considering I was expecting to be booted out the house.
7. Know your wife and how she will respond. I knew my wife was very tolerant from conversations we have had about LGBTQ issues. That's not true for everyone, I realise, but seeding your eventual conversation with hints and references might help.
8. If hiding the truth is causing both you and your partner harm, then you owe it to both of you to tell the truth. The risks might outweigh the gains, but hopefully you might strike the jackpot, as I seem to have done.
I've been on an emotional rollercoaster since Sunday, from 'Oh my God, what have I done?!' to a real sense of relief  and pride that I'd made another important step on my epic journey. Today has been the first day that I haven't dreaded for quite a while.
But whatever approach you take, good luck. Seriously. I really hope it works out for you.
Mia

Physical changes are quite significant at this point. Its hit the point of no return really, and the best and safest option is get onto HRT so I can safely transition. The full process will take another few years yet. I think its a bit hard to hide. I underestimated the efficiency of what I have been doing, or my body was just ready.