Quote from: KathyLauren on March 05, 2018, 07:35:49 PM
Bummer! I was misgendered at the fire hall tonight. The trainees were discussing my role in a medical scenario that I had led them though (I had to play the part of the neighbour who called 911). They kept referring to me as "he". Finally, I had to interrupt the scenario and point out that all those "he"s should have been "she"s. 
It was a bit odd, because they all get my name right.
Well, mostly they get my name right. I got my honourarium cheque for 2017 with my dead name on it. Grrr! They forgot to change my name on the roster they gave to the accountant! Grrrrrr! If the bank won't cash it, I'll have to get them to issue a new cheque.
Oh, well, I can't complain. Mostly, my transition has been idiot-free. (Well, okay, I can complain, and I do. For all the good it does me. But I shouldn't.)
Kathy, I'm sorry all that happened. It's lousy that the people closest to us can't seem to make the effort to understand just how much it means to us to be recognized as our true selves.
I was talking to one of my neighbors about that just this evening. He and his wife are trying very hard, and mostly have it. Others don't seem to be willing to put any thought into it at all. None of them are being deliberately hurtful, but whether it's true or not, it seems like the amount of effort they're willing to make correlates to how much they value me. And so after a while I tend to avoid those who I feel don't consider me worth the extra work. I end up grading those around me, and the amount of time I spend with any of them is proportional to how I think they value me.
But that's really not fair. When I let rationality rule over emotion, I understand that the way they're reacting has less to do with how they value me as it does with their base personalities. Much of it has to do with how naturally empathetic they are, and their own approach toward life. It's cliche to say so, but it does seem to be true that women have a much easier time with it than men do.
And, painful as it is, the solution seems to be to spend more time with those having trouble, not less. The more opportunity they have to think about it - with the help of occasional gentle prompting - the sooner they'll finally get it.
As I explained tonight, I can deal with them doing it when there are only "insiders" around. Most of them have known me for ten years or more, and old habits die hard. It's when "outsiders" are around when it really bothers me. There's one of those "outsiders" visiting with one of my neighbors now. I have no idea whether he knows my story, but he unerringly gets my name and pronouns correct. I really don't need someone else misgendering me around him. It hasn't happened yet to my knowledge, and he's staying with neighbors who are among the most supportive and are putting the most effort into treating me with respect. But the longer he hangs around, the more likely it's going to happen, and the thought makes me wilt inside.
I've mentioned it before here and to some of my neighbors: sometimes the thought of pulling up stakes and starting fresh elsewhere like Aspiringperson has done is extremely attractive. But that's not really an option for me, so I'll grit my teeth and deal with it one pronoun at a time.
The end result is it just prolongs a transition that in so many other ways is moving at lightning speed. But I'll get through it, and some day I'll just be the woman living at the end of the street. That'll happen for you, too, eventually.
- Stephanie
