My grandpa is not as accepting as I thought.

[Lady Sarah]

Tell your grandfather that I was beaten with chains by my adoptive mother, and that never changed the fact that I was meant to be female. Believe me, I had been beaten with belts until they broke.
I think you are very aware that nothing can change a female brain into a male brain. You can only change the body.

[Roll]

My brother's mother-in-law is the same exact way about things. It's not age, it's just being an ignorant jerk. Plenty of people who are sub 40 still think that same way (though less each generation).

[Bari Jo]

I think it is one of the reasons I don't like who I am. Why I cannot accept who I am.

Laurie, I was raised this way too.  I have tried everything to not be trans as I'm sure you have too.  Personal acceptance is so hard.  Hugs to you.

Bari Jo

[Julia1996]

Tell your grandfather that I was beaten with chains by my adoptive mother, and that never changed the fact that I was meant to be female. Believe me, I had been beaten with belts until they broke.
I think you are very aware that nothing can change a female brain into a male brain. You can only change the body.

OMG, that's so horrible! I'm so sorry that happened to you. Big hugs.

[Julia1996]

This is turning into such a mess. Since my grandma decided she didn't want to do Christmas or thanksgiving anymore my grand parents come to our house on Christmas.  Last night my grandpa called my dad and told him that they weren't coming to our house for Christmas. He told my dad if he wanted to see them on Christmas he and Tyler could come to their house Christmas day but I couldn't come because my mom was going to their house on Christmas day. My dad told him he wasn't planning on letting him come to our house and that he wouldn't be going to theirs. My grandpa said he hoped my dad wouldn't stop Tyler from coming. Tyler doesn't want to go over there either. The stuff my grandpa said to him hurt his feelings and also really pissed him off. Tyler has always been very protective of me and even experienced bullying himself because of me. For my grandpa to say he was a sorry excuse of an older brother was totally awful. He might of crossed a line with Tyler, I don't know. I can't help but feel bad about all of it. I feel like I'm causing the destruction of my family. I told my dad he and Tyler should go to my grandparents house on Christmas.  My dad got kind of irritated with me and told me he absolutely wasn't doing that and  I shouldn't feel bad and that if family members wanted to be ignorant dumb ###s then that was on them. But I can't help feeling bad. All of this crap is because of me.

[Deborah]

No, it's not because of you.  It's because your grandpa has made a choice.  You have nothing to be guilty of.


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[Megan.]

You shared a true and undeniable fact,  how people react to that is ENTIRELY their choice. It's great you've seen how good people can be (your dad and brother), but also sad you've seen the worst of people.

All my family live within 20 miles of each other, and there are 3 separate Christmas' all because some of my family made a negative choice on how they viewed my transition.

Big hugs. Cook an awsome Christmas lunch and make them regret not being there. X

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[KathyLauren]

But I can't help feeling bad. All of this crap is because of me.

Julia, don't ever blame yourself for this.  You haven't done anything.  You are just being yourself. 

Your grandfather is being an ignorant knuckle-dragger.  He has a choice in the matter.  Not everyone in his generation is like that.  He could be nice to you if he wanted to, but he chooses not to.  Don't blame yourself for his failings.

Listen to your father and brother.  They are good men, both of them, and they are strong allies for you. 

If there ends up being more family estrangement from this, it is entirely on your grandfather's shoulders.  Don't take his burden upon yourself.

[Laurie]

Julia,

  Listen to your brother and your father. You know they love you for who you are without limits. Those that choose not to are selfish and ignorant. They are the problem, not you. They chose to be stuck in their ignorant lives. It is a wonderful thing to be loved for who you are, Julia. Rejoice in it. You are precious in so many ways.

Hugs, 
  Laurie

[CoriM]

This is turning into such a mess. Since my grandma decided she didn't want to do Christmas or thanksgiving anymore my grand parents come to our house on Christmas.  Last night my grandpa called my dad and told him that they weren't coming to our house for Christmas. He told my dad if he wanted to see them on Christmas he and Tyler could come to their house Christmas day but I couldn't come because my mom was going to their house on Christmas day. My dad told him he wasn't planning on letting him come to our house and that he wouldn't be going to theirs. My grandpa said he hoped my dad wouldn't stop Tyler from coming. Tyler doesn't want to go over there either. The stuff my grandpa said to him hurt his feelings and also really pissed him off. Tyler has always been very protective of me and even experienced bullying himself because of me. For my grandpa to say he was a sorry excuse of an older brother was totally awful. He might of crossed a line with Tyler, I don't know. I can't help but feel bad about all of it. I feel like I'm causing the destruction of my family. I told my dad he and Tyler should go to my grandparents house on Christmas.  My dad got kind of irritated with me and told me he absolutely wasn't doing that and  I shouldn't feel bad and that if family members wanted to be ignorant dumb ###s then that was on them. But I can't help feeling bad. All of this crap is because of me.

Julia, you are the normal one, and you have a normal father and brother. Families look out for each other and accept each other's differences. The fact your other relatives cannot see you for you should not detract from your well-being. Let them go. If they want to be a part of your life they will have to come around. You get a Father's Love and attention, and that's the way I was raised. I didn't turn out bad either.

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[Sno]

Sweetheart, this is triangulation. Your grandpa has chosen to take a side, with a toxic person, and being 'head of the family' believes he is in a position of authority to boss everyone else around.

Give your bro a hug, he deserves one, and so does your dad...

Rowan

[amandam]

It is not because of you! They have a choice in how to handle this! I love my kids unconditionally, thats what youre supposed to do! Gramps is a dick.

[Paige]

I feel like I'm causing the destruction of my family. I told my dad he and Tyler should go to my grandparents house on Christmas.  My dad got kind of irritated with me and told me he absolutely wasn't doing that and  I shouldn't feel bad and that if family members wanted to be ignorant dumb ###s then that was on them. But I can't help feeling bad. All of this crap is because of me.

Hi Julia,

I had to wait a bit to reply.  This made me so angry.

You are very special person and your mother, uncle and grandfather should go...  I won't say it but you know.  Your grandfather so reminds me of my father.  Pre-hrt I would definitely consider punching him in the face. He is such an ignorant piece of work.  How dare he say those thing to you, your father and your brother.  What a jerk.

You have a great brother and father.  You can have a great Christmas together and the rest of them can stew at their Christmas.

Take care of yourself,
Paige

[MaryT]

... All of this crap is because of me.

No, Julia, it is not because of you.  Some of your relatives have been put to the test and failed miserably.  Even if they were brought up not to understand gender dysphoria, I can't understand how they can choose to alienate themselves from a family member who has neither done them harm nor intended them harm.  There is no reason at all why they could not have behaved as your father and brother have, to accept and love you as who you really are.

Don't apologise for existing, Julia.  You are a beautiful person, inside and out.

[TonyaW]

Hey Julia


Echo: it's not your fault in anyway.


It's natural to feel blame since they are reacting to you.  I think you will realize that's what s going on and will overcome that. 

Your dad and brother appear to support you 100%.  It's was good of you to tell them they could go with out you and awesome of them to tell you no way that they would. 

I get a feeling that they may be trying to see if they can manipulate your dad and brother.  They may give in once they see that they can't.  If they don't it's on them and you cut them out until they come around. 

It's tough,  but you have enough support from your dad, brother and boyfriend that you will get through it. Try to focus on them and all the other positives in your life that I've read in your posts.




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[Ryuichi13]

Julia, none of this is your fault.  You are an innocent in all of this.

Your grandfather, mother and uncle are just showing their true colors.  Its a sad fact that some people can dislike someone for being themselves. 

Continue to be yourself and realize that their attitude is completely and totally on them.  You just happen to be the innocent bystander in all of this.

*HUG*

Ryuichi

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[big kim]

I come from Lancashire, England. We have  a saying, you can choose your friends but not your family.

[Chloe]

It bothered me more that he blamed my dad and even Tyler for me being trans than the stuff he said to me.

Julia Sno is right . . . what real connection does Your Mother have with your Uncle, Grandpa and Father anyway? Absolutely none it's all Her fault!! Suppose Tyler just got lucky, her funny "girl gene" missed?? Gotta respect your Grandpa's honesty after all your dad turned out alright!! What? He's just doing his job, it's cop 'diversity training" kicking in?? I think not . . .

If Grandpa expects you to "man up" then do it, despite hurtful remarks, tell him you love him regardless!! Christmas is coming not much you can do about "protection order", be the brave woman your mother is not and perhaps your dad can fix it, her lesson learned??

I defend my kids against their mother, my 'ex', All The Time who happens to be back in the house with us What An Irony: supposed to pay me 'child support'. . . doesn't happen! She has a standing protection order against me (very annoying I cannot buy a gun) but THAT'S in New York, not Georgia either get with the PROGRAMME or here's a plane ticket back to Yankeeville . . .

And ThankYou Very Much for Just Visiting!!!

[Julia1996]

Julia Sno is right . . . what real connection does Your Mother have with your Uncle, Grandpa and Father anyway? Absolutely none it's all Her fault!! Suppose Tyler just got lucky, her funny "girl gene" missed?? Gotta respect your Grandpa's honesty after all your dad turned out alright!! What? He's just doing his job, it's cop 'diversity training" kicking in?? I think not . . .

If Grandpa expects you to "man up" then do it, despite hurtful remarks, tell him you love him regardless!! Christmas is coming not much you can do about "protection order", be the brave woman your mother is not and perhaps your dad can fix it, her lesson learned??

I defend my kids against their mother, my 'ex', All The Time who happens to be back in the house with us What An Irony: supposed to pay me 'child support'. . . doesn't happen! She has a standing protection order against me (very annoying I cannot buy a gun) but THAT'S in New York, not Georgia either get with the PROGRAMME or here's a plane ticket back to Yankeeville . . .

And ThankYou Very Much for Just Visiting!!!

Firstly, I DESPISE the term " man up". I heard it way too much growing up. From my uncle and grandpa.  " man up" doesn't apply to me in any way. Please don't ever use it in reference to me.

I have tolerated a lot from my grandpa but him attacking my dad and Tyler was the last straw for me. I'm going to be totally honest here, I don't hate my grandpa, I have pity for him that he's so ignorant about so many things. But I can't say I love him either. If that makes me a bad person then I can't help it.  My dad turned out to be a good person DESPITE my grandpa. And still being honest, I DO hate my uncle. I always have. When someone constantly makes fun of you for being who you are and thinks it's wrong, you can't help but hate them. At least I can't. If that makes me a small person then I'm a small person. It's too hard to love people who tell you your very existence is wrong and you need to change who and what you are to please them.

I've given my mom far more chances than anyone else but I'm over that now. The fact is, my mom hasn't ever really loved me. Maybe because I was born albino, she's always made it clear how distasteful she finds that. Once when I was out with my mom we ran into someone my mom works with. She asked who I was and when my mom told her she said she never knew my mom had another child and that she had never mentioned me. I don't hate my mom but it's obvious nothing I do will change her feelings towards me so at this point I don't have a problem with her not being in my life. I've tried and tried to have a relationship with her. It's pointless and I'm tired of trying.

A lot of people here have told me that sometimes you have to cut toxic people out of your life. Sadly I see that's true. I'm not going to feel bad for being trans or apologize for it. Despite what some people think, I had no choice in the matter. None of us do.

[steph2.0]

It's too hard to love people who tell you your very existence is wrong and you need to change who and what you are to please them.
...
It's pointless and I'm tired of trying.

Excellent. You have shown much more compassion toward them than they've shown you. Your strength and maturity are an inspiration, and much more than a lot of people many times your age can muster.

You've done your best, have let them blow far more chances than they deserve, and have reached the only logical conclusion.

Applause!