Need help on how to proceed

[Lady Scorpion]

Hi everyone,

I am a 41 year old transgender from INDIA with wife and 2 kids. We have been married for 11 years and my wife knows my secret.  I have hid this from the rest of the world for 28 years, but past one year has been very cruel to me.  The desire to see my true self has increased leaps and bounds.

I have opened up to my boss and few other girls who worked in my office.  I have been trying to convince my wife. My boss even sent me to his friend who is a psychologist. I went for 2 sittings, first time alone and then with wife. He gave both of us sometime to think for ourselves if there's a common point where we can agree upon.

Wife at some point said, okay for hormones when I told I won't undergo complete change and at least permit me to have few traits of womanhood which I dearly want. However, she again objected when I told Hari want to grow hair and buy a male wig to pass out.   She says I am putting so much stress on her and I am not sticking to my word. But I am literally dying within myself for an year now.   She's right in saying that whenever we talk the only topic I discuss is HRT. 

Today I told her only hormones, but then later said i need both hair and hormones. She got really pissed of. She said give her time for me taking HRT. I know I am putting so much stressing on her, but I fear if I don't discuss this with her, she won't be responding any soon and it's becoming so much difficult for me. I have told my 9 year old daughter and my wife says she's in a state of stigma now. I am afraid to tell by 6 year old son because he idolises me a lot and started asking me questions when I put a hair band to stop the hair falling on my face.

I am really in a huge state of depression and have been not taking food for past 3 days and just going to work and again confining to my room. Suggestions on how to proceed and not put stress on wife but at the same time maintaining my cool are really welcome and appreciated.

Sincerely

[MissNatalieL]

I just want to start off by saying that I am in a completely different situation, I am 24 years old, no wife, no kids, no girlfriend, nor a boyfriend, I am hoping to start hormones soon with no objections from anyone, and the only people I have to worry about are my parents and brother, so I will give you as best of an answer as I can

The first thing I would really recommend is finding a Transgender friendly therapist. Now I am from the U.S., so I am sorry that I am unsure of how India is, but if you find a Transgender friendly therapist, you and your wife could go see them and figure out the best solution. I understand where your wife is coming from though... Just like every Transgender I am sure can relate, there is always at least one person dear to you that takes it very hard. But I also understand where you are coming from! First you said just hormones, then you said hormones and hair, but who knows if after all that starts you wont want to add clothes, or makeup, or change your personality with it, it's just whatever makes you comfortable and happy!

Depression is never fun, I struggled bad with it for 9 years, which is why I want to at least reply and say something because the last thing someone who is depressed wants to feel is alone as well...

I would really recommend starting with a Transgender friendly therapist though, you and your wife go talk to them about everything, they will hear you and your wifes point of view and help you both get through it.

[Lady Scorpion]

I just want to start off by saying that I am in a completely different situation, I am 24 years old, no wife, no kids, no girlfriend, nor a boyfriend, I am hoping to start hormones soon with no objections from anyone, and the only people I have to worry about are my parents and brother, so I will give you as best of an answer as I can

The first thing I would really recommend is finding a Transgender friendly therapist. Now I am from the U.S., so I am sorry that I am unsure of how India is, but if you find a Transgender friendly therapist, you and your wife could go see them and figure out the best solution. I understand where your wife is coming from though... Just like every Transgender I am sure can relate, there is always at least one person dear to you that takes it very hard. But I also understand where you are coming from! First you said just hormones, then you said hormones and hair, but who knows if after all that starts you wont want to add clothes, or makeup, or change your personality with it, it's just whatever makes you comfortable and happy!

Depression is never fun, I struggled bad with it for 9 years, which is why I want to at least reply and say something because the last thing someone who is depressed wants to feel is alone as well...

I would really recommend starting with a Transgender friendly therapist though, you and your wife go talk to them about everything, they will hear you and your wifes point of view and help you both get through it.

Thanks for your reply Natalie [emoji178]

Yeah we did meet a therapist who gave us time to come to a point where we both can be happy. If my wife agrees, we both will go see him again so can refer to endo. My wife is now studying about the side effects of HRT and messaged me about possible threats. I told her proper care taken those can be avoided.

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[Megan.]

Hi Lady Scorpion,  I'm a 40 y/o trans-woman in the UK.
I'm sorry there is some conflict in your relationship, so have a big hug.
When the pressure of dysphoria finally gets to us,  the need to resolve it is urgent, but taking others with us on the journey is important though difficult.
Sadly my relationship didn't survive my transition, my Ex had a lot of frustration because I couldn't tell her what I wanted it how far I needed to go, and it took me time to figure that out.
I hope you both get through this happy and together. X

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[Lady Scorpion]

Hi Lady Scorpion,  I'm a 40 y/o trans-woman in the UK.
I'm sorry there is some conflict in your relationship, so have a big hug.
When the pressure of dysphoria finally gets to us,  the need to resolve it is urgent, but taking others with us on the journey is important though difficult.
Sadly my relationship didn't survive my transition, my Ex had a lot of frustration because I couldn't tell her what I wanted it how far I needed to go, and it took me time to figure that out.
I hope you both get through this happy and together. X

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Thanks hun
Yeah, that's why. When she was about to agree for hormones I started talking of long hair. May be am putting her under stress. As we speak, she's in her office exploring about HRT!  Hopefully she will agree. Fingers crossed [emoji52][emoji52]

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[Denise]

A couple of things to think about:
1) you've had 28 YEARS to think about this.  How long as your wife?
2) She can never really understand what you're going through.  Ask her "how often do you think that she is a woman?"  When I asked my wife her answer was an awaking for me. Her reply "what do you mean?  How do you think about your gender?  I think 'never' is the correct answer."  Most CIS people I've asked look really puzzled when I ask them and ALL of them say "Never".  It's kinda asking water "How often do you think about being wet?"  It doesn't make sense to them.
3) [personal experience here] I was 53 when I started to obsess about my gender being wrong.  I knew when I was 4 but buried it I couldn't anymore and it became all-consuming.  I'm about to turn 56, I've been on hormones for 13 months
and in the last month, I've started to realize my female persona has completely replaced the male one and I actually see Denise in the mirror.  AND I now understand what 'normal' feels like.

This is my experience:
What I lost in this was my wife of 32 years.  We're still good friends but divorced.  I understand that she couldn't live with a woman and I couldn't live as a man.  My dysphoria was my chest and hair and she couldn't see us staying together.  She stuck it out with me until I felt comfortable and she had plans on what she was going to do.  That makes me sad, but not transitioning would have caused way more issues and in the end, I would have been divorced anyway.

You might want to ask her where her boundaries are but tell her to think about it.  Don't expect nor accept an answer immediately.  Then you will need to make the decision as to accept those boundaries or don't accept them.  Just be prepared that you may not like your own decision.

[Lady Scorpion]

A couple of things to think about:
1) you've had 28 YEARS to think about this.  How long as your wife?
2) She can never really understand what you're going through.  Ask her "how often do you think that she is a woman?"  When I asked my wife her answer was an awaking for me. Her reply "what do you mean?  How do you think about your gender?  I think 'never' is the correct answer."  Most CIS people I've asked look really puzzled when I ask them and ALL of them say "Never".  It's kinda asking water "How often do you think about being wet?"  It doesn't make sense to them.
3) [personal experience here] I was 53 when I started to obsess about my gender being wrong.  I knew when I was 4 but buried it I couldn't anymore and it became all-consuming.  I'm about to turn 56, I've been on hormones for 13 months
and in the last month, I've started to realize my female persona has completely replaced the male one and I actually see Denise in the mirror.  AND I now understand what 'normal' feels like.

This is my experience:
What I lost in this was my wife of 32 years.  We're still good friends but divorced.  I understand that she couldn't live with a woman and I couldn't live as a man.  My dysphoria was my chest and hair and she couldn't see us staying together.  She stuck it out with me until I felt comfortable and she had plans on what she was going to do.  That makes me sad, but not transitioning would have caused way more issues and in the end, I would have been divorced anyway.

You might want to ask her where her boundaries are but tell her to think about it.  Don't expect nor accept an answer immediately.  Then you will need to make the decision as to accept those boundaries or don't accept them.  Just be prepared that you may not like your own decision.

Awww hun...
Very insightful. But we have reached a stage where me asking for hormones is not going to work. Only today morning we have decided that she needs more time to think about it. I am trying to save marriage at all costs. I am giving her space to think because i found her studying about this. In all probability and all likelihood she is going to agree. It really reached a boiling point for me that all the strength to control this desire to see my true self, i have lost it and i have been depressed for over an year now.

For past few months i am becoming jealous by seeing women or girls outside and when they are nearly dressed. I noticed that i have been making minute observations of their makeup from top to toe. I am damn sure i would make that perfect woman which a man wishes to have in bed every second lol.

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[Floof]

I want to stress that kids are pretty awesome, when talked to with the right attitude. They will accept whatever as long as you and your wife can show them that its not a 'wrong' thing to do! I fear that will be a problem for you, considering your wife's push back against this. I can sympathize with her, it must be difficult to see you want to undergo these potentially extreme changes..

Seems like this is burning hot in your mind and will not let go, however, so it must definitely be time to take some sort of action. Getting to a stage where you are comfortable in your own skin must be the goal, and getting there in the least damaging way possible both in regard to your body and your relationship with family.. But also don't let time run out on you!

Wish you the best of luck!

[Lady Scorpion]

I want to stress that kids are pretty awesome, when talked to with the right attitude. They will accept whatever as long as you and your wife can show them that its not a 'wrong' thing to do! I fear that will be a problem for you, considering your wife's push back against this. I can sympathize with her, it must be difficult to see you want to undergo these potentially extreme changes..

Seems like this is burning hot in your mind and will not let go, however, so it must definitely be time to take some sort of action. Getting to a stage where you are comfortable in your own skin must be the goal, and getting there in the least damaging way possible both in regard to your body and your relationship with family.. But also don't let time run out on you!

Wish you the best of luck!

Gracious hun

As of now, as we spoke today morning, she asked for 3 months from today to study about this. She said if she agrees, she will only agree for HRT and nothing else. Like she doesn't want me to discuss this before kids and then not to grow long hair and buy heels. But considering the Indian scenario and wife at least thinking to grant me my wish to grow little boobs and take hormones i am wondering if i should be content with that.

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[jill610]

I really feel for your situation and is similar to what I went through with my spouse, though I am in the US. I have been to India many times and you have what seems like a maybe very large cultural component that we in the states do not.

Maybe think about what your ideal end state is. If your wife was not in the picture and you had no kids, what would you be doing? Then add in all those variables and consider what that means to you and where do you think the lines are drawn and where would you like to far them. If they aren't the same, thinking to your ideal state, can you live with that delta? Will you continue to struggle until you get there?

I went through this for 22 years and for me the difference between how I'd like to be and reality were just too far off to not take what I felt at the time was the selfish path. It has not been as difficult as I expected (yet) though am not yet presenting at my work. No mountains fell, though a few heads did explode. I give you a lot of credit for talking to your boss without having a clear picture of where you are headed.

Your wife has a lot to process, you have known about this for a really long time and in comparison, a mere blink of an eye for her. Things she thought were foundational to her life, her future are falling apart in her view. Not knowing where in India you are, the things a woman can or cannot do is very different. She may be thinking everything from land ownership to late night transportation to the kids getting marginalized to very real stigmas she will have to bear but has no control over. That's a ton to process all at once. Help her through it and my experience is that you need to create some semblance of stability and normalcy which still moving forward. For me that meant talking less and in less detail about what's going on, doing the normal stuff while subtly making changes that she would notice but was able to get used to.

[Lady Scorpion]

I really feel for your situation and is similar to what I went through with my spouse, though I am in the US. I have been to India many times and you have what seems like a maybe very large cultural component that we in the states do not.

Maybe think about what your ideal end state is. If your wife was not in the picture and you had no kids, what would you be doing? Then add in all those variables and consider what that means to you and where do you think the lines are drawn and where would you like to far them. If they aren't the same, thinking to your ideal state, can you live with that delta? Will you continue to struggle until you get there?

I went through this for 22 years and for me the difference between how I'd like to be and reality were just too far off to not take what I felt at the time was the selfish path. It has not been as difficult as I expected (yet) though am not yet presenting at my work. No mountains fell, though a few heads did explode. I give you a lot of credit for talking to your boss without having a clear picture of where you are headed.

Your wife has a lot to process, you have known about this for a really long time and in comparison, a mere blink of an eye for her. Things she thought were foundational to her life, her future are falling apart in her view. Not knowing where in India you are, the things a woman can or cannot do is very different. She may be thinking everything from land ownership to late night transportation to the kids getting marginalized to very real stigmas she will have to bear but has no control over. That's a ton to process all at once. Help her through it and my experience is that you need to create some semblance of stability and normalcy which still moving forward. For me that meant talking less and in less detail about what's going on, doing the normal stuff while subtly making changes that she would notice but was able to get used to.

Sweets

I am from the capital New Delhi. You have hit a correct note, like others. The worry is she has no one apart from me and that's why she's equally disturbed. I am happy today that when i asked her to give a time by when she will tell her decision, which time frame she didn't mention before, she asked for 3 months. So coming April 01, 2018, she would tell me her decision. What she gave hint of is, she will only permit HRT so i can get curves at right places whilst not speaking to kids about this and few other riders. But i think am heading in right direction. I am not going to talk to her about hormones for next 3 months. 

Thanks for the great help you all have been.

Will bother you all before taking HRT.  Is there anything available to read about all the precautions to be taken for a safe HRT?

Kisses to all the gorgeous ladies [emoji178][emoji178][emoji182][emoji182][emoji182]

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[jill610]

Your location is certainly more favorable than say Agra or the eastern states might be. Good luck!

[Lady Scorpion]

Your location is certainly more favorable than say Agra or the eastern states might be. Good luck!

Thanks babes. Yes very right.

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[Lady Scorpion]

UPDATE

In continuation of my previous post, i want to inform you all that today me and my wife met the psychologist, with my wife agreeing for hormone therapy for me. However, the doctor told her that she should be prepared if i decide to change full time and not stop with HRT and both stay together. He advised me to now go to endocrinologist. Here in India we don't have any statutory period within which one has to lead the life of the opposite sex in which they want to change. So that's a big respite.

However, she has apprehensions about few things for which the doctor asked if i have known any persons who are in transition so that the apprehensions of my wife can go away. And in reality i never met one in real life, except this place. He advised me that once my wife speaks to a person who is similarly placed like me and is under treatment or changed sex, she will feel safer and will be at ease. She even searched good endocrinologist for me and just messaged that don't hurry up things. Such love she has over me and i am blessed to have a sweet wife.

Can you angels guide me so that i can find someone who can talk to my wife and remove her apprehensions. This is such a happiest day for me.

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