Time to make a decision to fully transition or detransition?

[Paige]

Hi All,

So I'm 55 and I've known I was trans since I was 4 or 5.  I've been on low dose for a year and a half now.  I have developed small breasts that I love. My skin has soften and my face has narrowed.  My wife's therapist says I'm transitioning and the changes from E are pretty well irreversible.  I debate that it's all permanent and I'm not really sure at all if I'm going to transition.  My therapist said it's probably the only way to find happiness and not drive myself crazy.

My wife is not happy at all with my changes which I acknowledge is perfectly reasonable.  She wants her old husband back, but I can't go back to the grumpy, irritable person I was before. (She does like how I'm much more laid back these days.)  I love the changes to my body.  I can't imagine walking back from this.  So she says were basically living as friends now.   We will separate if I proceed.

I know she doesn't like this at all.  She keeps asking me to make a decision on transitioning.  There's no middle ground.  She doesn't like me on E and gets creeped out when I'm in female mode.

We have 2 great daughters in college and we worry how the news will affect them.   Neither knows.  We don't want to disrupt their lives.  I'm more worried about how society will treat my wife and my daughters than I'm worried about me. 

I sympathize with others here who have or are going through this.  It's definitely not easy. 

I know some have transitioned late in life and are really happy about it.  If I did I would hope this would be my situation but I'm really not sure it will work out that way. 

At the current moment I'm thinking of stopping my hormones for 3 months and see how I do.  If I can do 3 months, maybe I can do 3 more after that?  If not I'll know my answer I guess.  I think it'll take less than a week to know I can't stop.

I'm stuck in the mud unable to make a decision.  I'm absolutely exhausted by all this.  This is one of those times that I really hate being trans.

Take care.
Paige

[krobinson103]

I think you have to weigh what is important to you. Does your relationship or your peace of mind count more? To me I've decided that if I can't be genuine to myself, how can I be honest to others? With your children being older I suspect they will he happy that Dad is in a space to be content. Its a hard call that one.

[Devlyn]

Paige, I think you'll know in a week or two whether three months will even be doable. The oily skin and hair return very quickly,  and your mood, too. I wish you the best whatever path you choose. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Paige]

I think you have to weigh what is important to you. Does your relationship or your peace of mind count more? To me I've decided that if I can't be genuine to myself, how can I be honest to others? With your children being older I suspect they will he happy that Dad is in a space to be content. Its a hard call that one.

I just can't answer that question.  Somedays I would say relationship, others peace of mind. 

Thanks for the support.  It really helps.  

Paige

[Paige]

Paige, I think you'll know in a week or two whether three months will even be doable. The oily skin and hair return very quickly,  and your mood, too. I wish you the best whatever path you choose. 

Hugs, Devlyn

Just thinking about that scares me to death.
Thanks for the hugs Devlyn.
Paige

[Jessica]

Hi Paige 🙋‍♀️ I understand how you feel.  With myself, I've pondered, if I had gotten to the brink of separation, would I detransition?  I say now "of course", I know happiness and love with her, why would I choose differently.  Who actually knows how I'll feel in a year.  Just 6 months ago I was put on this path and I become more comfortable each day.  My wife of 37 years is supportive and shows no sign of bolting, but who knows how she will feel in a year. 
All in all, it's truly up to you and if you are happy with your final decision, you will be on the path to happiness.
Hugs and good luck, Jessica 💁‍♀️

[KathyLauren]

Only you can decide where your priorities lie.  All I can do is tell you how I resolved this in my mind.

I thought long and hard about the alternatives before I even came out to my wife.  I thought the odds were slightly in my favour, but the possibility that she might leave me was a very real concern.  I thought about the emotional effect her leaving me would have as well as the financial effect.  Both would have been hard blows, but survivable.

I then thought about the effect that staying in the closet would have.  I could honestly say that I saw nothing but bleakness in that future.  I had had a pretty good 60+ years, but the emotional baggage of the decades of denial was starting to build up.  As long as I was in denial, I had been able to put up with it.  But by then I knew in my heart I was really trans.  The prospect of going into my sunset years with that knowledge locked away, knowing I would be denying my self, filled me with horror.

Going forward without my wife but transitioning would have been difficult, but it would have been fulfilling.  Going forward without transitioning, ... Well, I can't be certain that I could have gone forward at all.  That might have been the end of the road for me.

It was with that awareness that I told her I was trans.  I got lucky, and I get to have both her and transition.

Obviously your situation is different.  But I think you need to do a similar emotional calculation.  How would it be for you, emotionally, to detransition and to live the rest of your life that way?  It's a rhetorical question: I don't expect you to answer here.  But I think you need to know the answer in your heart.

[Toni]

Kathy's reasoning is very similar to mine.  I'm to go over the last waterfall very soon and I don't know how it will be absorbed by my wife of nearly 40 years who, at this time, is still with me.  I hope with all my heart that she can accept me because after experiencing the peace and joy of being who I am, I know I don't want to go back.  I say don't want to because by doing that I have to own this.  I'm strong enough to probably stop, but it would be like going back into a cage after tasting freedom and I know everything in my life would be tainted by that, including the relationship that might survive.  It truly seems like a no win situation for us sometimes, but I think we're just visitors here anyway and truly living as who you really are is the greatest lesson we can learn.  I accept that for my family as well.  What I can give to a realationship is, in fact, greater as myself than it could ever be as someone else.  However I have to accept that whatever I am able to give might not be what my wife wants.  Sad as that would be, and since I believe I'm a person of value and worthy of being loved, I have to think there's someone else out there who would want what I can give should she choose to leave.  Toni

[LaRell]

I too am married......Being married carries with it an entirely new difficulty with the whole transition process.  If you have an amazing loving supportive wife like I do, who actually encourages me to take the next steps and encourages me to wear makeup and wear certain female clothes and things, it is amazing!  That's not to say we haven't have our share of issues with it, and fights around the whole thing.  But overall, once she realized I was no longer going to be her "Man" and because she was already so open minded when it came to varying gender identities and sexualities and things, she actually loves to be my supporter, and I very much value her support.

  We also have a 5 year old daughter who is being affected by this whole thing.  But she gets it too.  She understands that "daddy" was born with a boy body, but has always really been a girl on the inside.  So it's kind of fun to watch her comprehend that as we deal with things like her yelling "Daddy" across the busy grocery store when I am in "girl mode".  ha ha

  Anyway........the decision can be an extremely difficult one.  You see your family, and see how things are going to change.  You can't fully understand how certain things are going to change until you find yourself standing there dumbfounded in the middle of it like "What the hell just happened?"  There are some things that are completely unforseen that sneak up and smack you in the face.  ha ha.    You just have to weigh the pros and cons I guess.

  For me...even though I see how negatively my doing this is affecting my wife, and my parents and things, I am a WAAAAAY better person on HRT now, and tend to more easily treat my wife better.  She likes my personality and things way more with me on HRT.  The loss of sexual function is a huge downer for us.  But what it all comes down to, is that I had reached a point in my life where I finally decided, with help from my therapist, that making the transition HAS to happen for my sanity and mental well being.  Even though some things seems really bad, the positive benefits far outweigh the bad in my mind.  And that is when I knew I had to do it.  If the good from doing it, did not outweigh the bad, then I would have to realize it is something I "want" but not necesarilly "Need".  I have determined that this is most definitely, without a doubt, something that I "NEED" not just want.

[Dena]

I never considered detransitioning because I was always able to remember the moment I made the decision to seek a transition. For me, I had reached the limit of what I could endure so my only option was to transition. I only had family to lose but that wasn't sufficient to keep me from transitioning. I suggest you go back to the point where you made the decision to seek treatment and see if you can remember how you felt at that point. What did you know you were risking and why did you decide the way you decided back then?

If you are still undecided, I suspect after you discontinue HRT you will be able to recreate the moment and you will need to decide again.

[Rachel]

You are in a difficult position living in two worlds. You love those in your life and are scared of losing them and at the same time losing yourself.

I could not make the decision and my subconscious made the decision for me. Deep down when I started E there was only one direction I could go. My dilema was that I wanted to keep my family and transition and unfortunately I could only have one or the other.

[CarlyMcx]

I suffered ten years of massive, debilitating panic attacks before I finally stopped fighting myself and started transition.  About ten weeks after I started HRT, my wife expressed concerns about my breasts and changes to my body, and at her request I tried to back off the hormones to a half dose.  The panic attacks came back worse than ever, my Endo had a cow over my low hormones on my blood test, and my wife apologized for asking me to do something detrimental to my health.

She misses the guy that I used to be.  Heck, sometimes I miss him.  If he were a separate person, I would be in love with him.  But at the end of the day, he was not real.  He was a fictional character that I was able to portray well because I had a body that was suited to the job.  But that was all it was.  I could not and cannot go back.

Fortunately my wife understands, but she is going through a grieving process of losing him -- and the happiness of getting to know me.

For me, there is no road back.  The only thing that lies in that direction is an early death from stress related illness.

[Paige]

Hi Paige 🙋‍♀️ I understand how you feel.  With myself, I've pondered, if I had gotten to the brink of separation, would I detransition?  I say now "of course", I know happiness and love with her, why would I choose differently.  Who actually knows how I'll feel in a year.  Just 6 months ago I was put on this path and I become more comfortable each day.  My wife of 37 years is supportive and shows no sign of bolting, but who knows how she will feel in a year. 
All in all, it's truly up to you and if you are happy with your final decision, you will be on the path to happiness.
Hugs and good luck, Jessica 💁‍♀️

Hi Jessica,  I'm glad it's going so well with you.  I hope it continues. 😊  I guess you're correct it is up to me, but without my wife's support I have serious doubts I can proceed.  I just don't want to hurt her.  I know logically it's not my fault.  I've struggled along with this since I was born, I know it's been getting worse, but so is the guilt. 

Obviously your situation is different.  But I think you need to do a similar emotional calculation.  How would it be for you, emotionally, to detransition and to live the rest of your life that way?  It's a rhetorical question: I don't expect you to answer here.  But I think you need to know the answer in your heart.

Hi Kathy, If it is in my heart I haven't found it. 😉   I think my heart wants it all and hasn't listened to my brain that says that's not possible.  Something will have to give.

Kathy's reasoning is very similar to mine.  I'm to go over the last waterfall very soon and I don't know how it will be absorbed by my wife of nearly 40 years who, at this time, is still with me.  I hope with all my heart that she can accept me because after experiencing the peace and joy of being who I am, I know I don't want to go back.  I say don't want to because by doing that I have to own this.  I'm strong enough to probably stop, but it would be like going back into a cage after tasting freedom and I know everything in my life would be tainted by that, including the relationship that might survive.  It truly seems like a no win situation for us sometimes, but I think we're just visitors here anyway and truly living as who you really are is the greatest lesson we can learn.  I accept that for my family as well.  What I can give to a realationship is, in fact, greater as myself than it could ever be as someone else.  However I have to accept that whatever I am able to give might not be what my wife wants.  Sad as that would be, and since I believe I'm a person of value and worthy of being loved, I have to think there's someone else out there who would want what I can give should she choose to leave.  Toni

Hi Toni, Even though I love what E has done for me, I sometimes regret it.  Your cage analogy really fits.   The E really made me realize that I'm in a cage with the door slightly open, and I so badly want to get out.

Also I do worry that I would be throwing away a lot of love and support.  But then again, with my wife that love is very conditional and is that truly love?  I can't fault her for her feeling the way she does but I guess I shouldn't be viewing our relationship as loving at this time.


Thanks for the support everyone.
Paige

[Paige]

  For me...even though I see how negatively my doing this is affecting my wife, and my parents and things, I am a WAAAAAY better person on HRT now, and tend to more easily treat my wife better.  She likes my personality and things way more with me on HRT.  The loss of sexual function is a huge downer for us.  But what it all comes down to, is that I had reached a point in my life where I finally decided, with help from my therapist, that making the transition HAS to happen for my sanity and mental well being.  Even though some things seems really bad, the positive benefits far outweigh the bad in my mind.  And that is when I knew I had to do it.  If the good from doing it, did not outweigh the bad, then I would have to realize it is something I "want" but not necesarilly "Need".  I have determined that this is most definitely, without a doubt, something that I "NEED" not just want.

Hi LaRell,  I'm definitely with you on this.  I NEED this and I probably be a pretty broken person if I don't go through with this.  With that said, I just can't get past the guilt.  My therapist says that's my main issue, I'm too concerned with everyone else's feelings.

I never considered detransitioning because I was always able to remember the moment I made the decision to seek a transition. For me, I had reached the limit of what I could endure so my only option was to transition. I only had family to lose but that wasn't sufficient to keep me from transitioning. I suggest you go back to the point where you made the decision to seek treatment and see if you can remember how you felt at that point. What did you know you were risking and why did you decide the way you decided back then?

If you are still undecided, I suspect after you discontinue HRT you will be able to recreate the moment and you will need to decide again.

Hi Dena,  That's the thing isn't it.  I remember what it's like not to be on HRT and I was so lost.  I think you're right if I stop I'll have my answer, but just thinking about doing that scares me to death.

You are in a difficult position living in two worlds. You love those in your life and are scared of losing them and at the same time losing yourself.

I could not make the decision and my subconscious made the decision for me. Deep down when I started E there was only one direction I could go. My dilema was that I wanted to keep my family and transition and unfortunately I could only have one or the other.

Hi Rachel,  I'm sort of wishing something will give and my direction will be clearer.  As my breasts grow, something will probably give but it's probably not the best way to approach this.

I suffered ten years of massive, debilitating panic attacks before I finally stopped fighting myself and started transition.  About ten weeks after I started HRT, my wife expressed concerns about my breasts and changes to my body, and at her request I tried to back off the hormones to a half dose.  The panic attacks came back worse than ever, my Endo had a cow over my low hormones on my blood test, and my wife apologized for asking me to do something detrimental to my health.

She misses the guy that I used to be.  Heck, sometimes I miss him.  If he were a separate person, I would be in love with him.  But at the end of the day, he was not real.  He was a fictional character that I was able to portray well because I had a body that was suited to the job.  But that was all it was.  I could not and cannot go back.

Fortunately my wife understands, but she is going through a grieving process of losing him -- and the happiness of getting to know me.

For me, there is no road back.  The only thing that lies in that direction is an early death from stress related illness.

Hi Carly,

I have had panic attacks, they're no fun. I'm not sure I would get them if I dropped the HRT but I'm sure I would feel rotten. 

I don't really hate myself in my male form, it's just always felt like a really uncomfortable costume that I put on for the world.  I'm so tired of being fake.

My wife often says to me that once I let this out of the bag there's no going back.  Perhaps this more than anything is causing my indecision.  Who knows.  I just a bit of a mess right now.

Thanks again everyone for your support.  It really helps.
Paige

[krobinson103]

Your wife is right. If you let your repressed self out you won't ever want to go back. I did that while my wife was away on holiday with the kids now I find She won't go back and it feels so natural that I don't want to try to make her. Leaves me in a pretty pickle actually. Profound mental changes and noticeable physical changes now mean I will have some hard questions to answer that will lead to a high price to pay. Still think its worth it though.

[Kendra]

When faced with this sort of decision I ask myself: 5 or 10 years from now what decision will I wish I made today?

[KathyLauren]

Hi LaRell,  I'm definitely with you on this.  I NEED this and I probably be a pretty broken person if I don't go through with this.  With that said, I just can't get past the guilt.  My therapist says that's my main issue, I'm too concerned with everyone else's feelings.

Yes, there's guilt if you do.  But don't ignore the guilt if you don't.  What will it do to your wife to be married to that broken person?

[Jessica]

Hi Paige, there's no one saying you have to go all the way.  I myself am just intending to stay in me mode.  Taking my meds, accepting my body changes, wearing what I feel is comfortable, not trying to disrupt the relationship I have with my wife. Just being me.  My wife has always been a bit of a Tomboy and I have always been the romantic.  So our roles will still be the same.  Whether I transition completely is for the future to know.
I don't know what you truly want, but taking it slow and just being who you are with your wife may give you time to show her the benefits.

[LaRell]

. My dilema was that I wanted to keep my family and transition and unfortunately I could only have one or the other.

Exactly!  That is what is so damn hard about the whole thing.  Wanting things to just stay the same way they were, but to get to live as a girl now.  But at the same time, knowing that is not an option.  For too many of us, it's one or the other.  No way to have both.   And it sucks losing family, but our personal well being is far more important than family connection.

[Megan.]

I lost my family to keep myself. We make these changes if we have to; to keep ourselves happy and healthy so we can then support others. It's not selfish to put your health first. X

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