Directionless

[Megan.]

I've been living full-time for over 7 months now,  and on HRT more than 5.
It has resolved 99% of my dysphoria, which is great, but I still have alot of confusion.

There are times that detransition still holds a big appeal, though I think this is mostly an understandable feeling of loss over my family, the GD would crush me,  so not practical,  though still tempting.
Sometimes I feel my transition is done, and no further medical transition is required.
And then there are times that some degree of GCS really appeals.

I'm a very black and white person,  is this why I want GCS, when I don't possibly need it? Would being non-op be best for me?

How does anyone answer these questions?

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[davina61]

unfortunately only you can answer that, I don't get dysphoria as such but I know I will not be complete with out going the whole way. The voice and looks might never be right but the brain says I need to be female ( its a "memory")

[Devlyn]

Directionless is good, it means your destination isn't set in stone. 

From what you said, it seems you want an "end" to the transition, like you're almost there and should be able to see it by now. My advice is use this period where you're fairly OK with things to take a breather. Just stay at this point on the spectrum and see how you wear it over time. Weigh your options. While we do like to see the end, it's important not to pick the destination too soon.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Charlie Nicki]

Directionless is good, it means your destination isn't set in stone. 

From what you said, it seems you want an "end" to the transition, like you're almost there and should be able to see it by now. My advice is use this period where you're fairly OK with things to take a breather. Just stay at this point on the spectrum and see how you wear it over time. Weigh your options. While we do like to see the end, it's important not to pick the destination too soon.

Hugs, Devlyn

This is great advice for everyone. Thanks!

[Megan.]

Directionless is good, it means your destination isn't set in stone. 

From what you said, it seems you want an "end" to the transition, like you're almost there and should be able to see it by now. My advice is use this period where you're fairly OK with things to take a breather. Just stay at this point on the spectrum and see how you wear it over time. Weigh your options. While we do like to see the end, it's important not to pick the destination too soon.

Hugs, Devlyn

A few months ago I was leaning towards full GCS,  but this has been where my thoughts have been leading lately,  it's funny how our destination (if such a thing really exists) can shift as we journey down the road.

Tnx Devlyn. X


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[JoanneB]

I learned to like sailing and sail boats from my wife. I used to be a "Turn the key and go" sort of person. Sailing is a LOT more technical and you need to be "flexible". There is an old sailing adage, It is not about the destination, but the voyage."

A sailor is a victim(?) of the capriciousness of the winds. You may Want to go to X, but Y is where you being directed. Eventually you may get there, or maybe next time around, or maybe double back when you can. If you are that intent on getting to that end point, or was it just a hoped for way point?

Same can be said for "Transition".

Ride the Wave

[Roll]

A few months ago I was leaning towards full GCS,  but this has been where my thoughts have been leading lately,  it's funny how our destination (if such a thing really exists) can shift as we journey down the road.

It's weird. Up until about a month ago I was 99% sure I would never want GCS. Now, I'm the opposite and am 99% sure I do want GCS. (Though I am planning to wait until I see how the peritoneal surgeries evolve over next few years at the least. Finances alone will probably require that time frame.)

[echo7]

I think that when it comes to transitioning, it's okay and normal to experiment and to be unsure about things.  Especially early on.  I'm a staunch proponent of informed consent for HRT, for example, even for people who aren't sure if transitioning is for them, just to experiment and try things out.  I'm also in favor of FFS for anyone and everyone (if they want it, of course), regardless of whether they want to transition or are ok with living part-time.

But when it comes to GCS, I have to draw the line and say that you should only do it if you are absolutely 100% certain, and that you feel that way consistently and persistently.  Once you do it, you can't ever go back.  So you better be completely sure.

I knew from the moment I began my transition that I wanted SRS.  Even before that, really.  Even before I realized I was trans, it's something I always thought about.  And that feeling never waned, not for a second, over the years and throughout my transition.  In fact my genital dysphoria became worse and worse, and I wanted the surgery more and more, until I eventually had it done.  I never had a shadow of a doubt about it before and after my SRS.

If you're unsure about SRS, maybe you can consider other surgeries first, especially if you've never had any other feminizing surgeries.  You could get a breast augmentation, or maybe a rhinoplasty.  See how you feel about those body changes.  Those aren't as permanent in case you ever want to detransition (you can remove implants, for example).  Surgery is a big deal, and making SRS your first one (the one surgery you can't ever go back from) is maybe not the best idea for your situation.

[Laurie]

  You know Megan I read this earlier and I so wanted to say something but I didn't know what I could say at the time. Well here I am again and you know what? I still have no good words to help you with it.
  I'm as lost as you are with this topic I have not even been able to let myself think of my own journey and where I want to go from here if anywhere. So I take my pills as usual because I don't see why I shouldn't and I don't worry about it. I'm and occupied with other things. It like sleep walking I keep going on in the direction i was pointing in because there is no reason to change it while I work on other issues. I don't have the time for this now. It was working before I got distracted so why not go with it? I think it could be what you could do also. Keep going  while you figure things out for yourself. There's no hurry. Take care of what you need to and come back to this one when you're ready. You will be okay until then.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Megan.]

Laurie,  as ever,  your doubt belies your insight [emoji4].
If anyone wants to dig back through time,  you'll see I made many posts as I struggled with the decision to socially transition. I'm now working through the same process again, it's just how my head works!
If I was a betting person (a previous life [emoji5]), I'd say I will probably end up having full GCS, and I'm quite confident that I'd be happy and have no regrets about that, but a 'pause' right now does feel the thing to do. The reality is also that NHS timeliness mean 2019 would likely be the earliest date for anything regardless.

X.

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[Bari Jo]

Hi Megan.  I feel your pain.  I have doubts and loss of direction often.  The one thing I can offer here is you have this because you are on hrt and feel normal.  It a very odd thing this situation.  This same situation allowed me to convince my younger self to quit transitioning a few times.  I think it's okay to hit pause, but keep on your meds.  Eventually this period will pass, and you will be once again super happy with the chosen direction.  This exact feeling is why I chose to be on pellets.  I wanted a method I couldn't back out of, and would have to ride out the directionless feeling.

As for the gcs, I'd suggest wait till you have a partner and see how you feel.  Right now I'm firmly in the I don't need gcs crowd.  However if important to a partner, I'd consider it.

Bari Jo