QuoteHas this changed later on? Are you now more comfortable just being yourself & more relaxed about 'gender norms'?
Y'know I've never been all that bothered about gender norms. I just view everything through the lens of how people interact with me. It's not until recently I've seen how prevalent and instinctive gendered behavior often is, and futile to expect the human species to try to change something that's biologically driven with a sociology lecture... people are what they are, if I'm not a walking example of that to myself and others I don't know what is.
But anyway, I'm actually more aware of gender norms than before since drama group and that expects me to "act male", and for the vast part I do without much effort. Assertiveness is in my character, even when it was being crushed by all kinds of things when I was a kid, it would find some other way to manifest itself if it couldn't come out through open defiance or aggression. The main way it did was through the attitude of accepting I was different, possibly a freak among the other kids, owning it and wearing it like it was
all mine. I don't feel freakish any more, but the massive advantage to that is how it trained me to not give a damn about needing everyone's approval. So it follows that now I'm read up on gender norms, also don't worry all that much about whether I'm conforming so carefully to them. I figure out what the social rules are and make sure not to overstep them if I don't want to cause myself unnecessary trouble, but I don't particularly respect "rules." There's my rules, which are important, and there's everyone else's bare minimum rules for social survival, and well... that's whatever it is, but it sure isn't the most important thing to me. Far as I'm concerned, one of the main masculine traits is going your own way and making your own rules rather than putting up and shutting up for the sake of a quiet life. Active overcompensation equates to conformity in my book, to being a slave to a bunch of ideas just because everyone else is. Excessive masculine posturing and policing is just another social trap, and men have been happily wearing the yoke and conforming since the year dot.
So compensation is most useless to me. I only have to compensate slightly for my physical deficiencies in maleness (for now); and other people are playing a different game to me for the most part, with different concerns. I'm not worried about getting a girlfriend or if women find me "manly enough" or not. Not bothered if other men think I am either. If they want to find out they can bring it on. Belonging to a group I can do, but I've always been my personal army of one, and it's great having pals but I don't require them to the point of needing them so badly I'll jump through any hoop and mould myself into what they want. I can play the games needed to get them but at the end of the day, the need for other people just isn't dire enough to make me act outside of my own comfort zone.
I'm interested in my career, personal fulfillment and growth. I'm at the mid point in life so I guess transition has literally been my mid life crisis, haha. Anyway, it's a new start from here and about all I'm concerned with is maintaining the current level of physical masculinity medically and fitness wise to avoid unnecessary social/health issues, and playing around in my new role a bit. What's the point if you can't have some fun with it, anyway?
