Have you ever socially isolated yourself?

[PurpleWolf]

A bit more serious question...
Reading your answers to my threads I've noticed glimpses of people hinting at being lonely or living in isolation.

So...
Have you ever socially isolated yourself?
In what ways? When? For how long? Etc. Be as general or share as little (or as much) as you like! How was it? Have you survived it? Do you now have friends & a great social life? Are you still living it? (Hope not.)

Is there something you learned from it? Or something you'd like to tell your then-self?

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For me... As my newly updated signature implies... Yes, I live in pretty much complete social isolation. [you can remove that 'pretty much'] It's not just bcos I'm trans... My living situation isn't that great either etc. For a lot of reasons, yeah. But the main one being that I'm trans & do not feel like socializing as long as I look like this. I have bad social dysphoria & basically can't cope with not being seen as a guy. (Or more like can't cope with being seen as a w*man by society.) I'm social by character - but in practice very unsocial due to my circumstances... It sucks, pretty bad. This has been going on for so long I don't even dare to mention the time frame on this forum. But... for LONG. Sidenote: I do have a spouse. So it's not like I don't see any people. It's just... I don't see any outside people. I've also been in a pretty dark place for a long time... Now it's almost like a mystery to me how I even got here in the first place. But - you can't change the past, so - I'm trying to change the present. And I never lost hope. And never will. But it's starting to dawn on me that maybe I should've tried to do more to better my life & try to transition earlier. But then again - I have my circumstances & reasons why I haven't been able to do that, so it's useless to go that 'what if' route.

Edit: I'd like to add:
Is there something you learned from it?
Yes  ! My life experiences have made me internally so strong that I think I can cope with anything from now on. I have basically nothing to lose. And I've grown a lot as a person.

One of my favorite quotes, by J.K. Rowling: 
Rock bottom is the solid foundation I built my life on.

[Bari Jo]

Yes, still do.  I used to be able to keep the facade up and do things socially for a long time.  Now I'm good for an hour or two, that's it. I am not out socially, which is part of the problem.  In time I will be and hope this all changes.

Bari Jo

[natalie.ashlyne]

Yes I have in the past and still am but slowly coming around, for instance when it came to party's christmas birthday's what ever I hated going there because it ends up the guys group together and talk about guy stuff and the girls group together and talk about girl stuff, and I was always awkward being with the guys I hated it i did not have very much to talk about that was in common with the I had more in common with the girls. So I stopped going to events I made excuses that I could not go I would make sure I wound work that day or something around the house broke and needed to be fix (Furnace, water heater). So I felt better being lonely than I did with the guys.

[Kylo]

Yeas, but there's various reasons.

I'm not a people person. They are tiring and I need more recharge time from them than I need interaction time with them.

I also notice the bystander effect - the more people in a given situation, the less individual responsibility and strength most people feel they have in that situation. This is a tangible effect - so I tend to go about my day dealing with things by myself because that is the position in which I feel maximum power and agency. Nobody else watching over my actions or decisions. Nobody else to consider, nobody else to feel responsible for. Which is why other people often talk about feeling nervous in job interviews, or scared walking alone walking around at night, etc. while I'm the opposite, those conditions are my optimum environment and my playground. I have more fear of a crowd than I will ever have when it's just me. I am the sort of person who would go on a holiday or trip by myself and find it more relaxing than if I had a family in tow (which would probably be the opposite).

Socially I think the disconnect between what people see when they have dealt with me in the past and what's inside revealed through interaction with me was evident to other people and they found it strange. Some found it attractive, most found it mildly offputting at best. Some trans people compensate by trying to conform harder to their birth gender norms and expectations but that was never something I chose to do, so in a sense another form of self-isolation. I refused to go out of my way to make other people comfortable with me enough to seek me out for interaction. I was civil and polite, and that was the most they were going to get and I wasn't going to put myself out for them.   

Social interaction is something I do when I have to because there's no choice, or to get information, and regularly I get some to make sure I'm not going crazy - a mental health measure, as all people need at least some. If you've spent any number of months or years living completely alone with little human interaction, you'll know what I'm talking about. Being alone is my default mental state but I recognize there needs to be interaction occasionally. 

I get some every day of course because I live with someone, and I tend to have to interact with people online daily. The greater need though is for personal space and time to think and digest things by myself.

[KathyLauren]

I am a very strong introvert.  Up to three people, I can handle, but beyond that, I tend to shut down.  In larger groups, I survive by isolating one or two people from the crowd and boring talking to them to the exclusion of others.  Like Bari Jo, after an hour, I am itching to get out of there.

I lived alone for many years.  I eventually joined some organizations specifically to force myself into social settings.  It worked, spectacularly well: I met my wife in one of those groups.  Now, most of my real-life friends are her friends.

I didn't consciously isolate myself.  It just worked out that way.  However, I don't think it is unrelated to being trans.  Not fitting in in male society and not being allowed into female society probably combined with a basic shyness to isolate me.

[PurpleWolf]

Viktor, I connected with much of what you said!

I've always been very easygoing & can get along with various kinds of people just fine. But I've always been my best with small groups - not in large crowds.

I have more fear of a crowd than I will ever have when it's just me. I am the sort of person who would go on a holiday or trip by myself and find it more relaxing than if I had a family in tow (which would probably be the opposite).

Omg I'm exactly the opposite  ! I feel the comfiest around large crowds of people - like walking on streets or on a holiday or big events etc. Don't like to be alone or by myself at all. When I'm with my spouse I feel like I can talk to anybody but by myself I tend to be unsocial...

Socially I think the disconnect between what people see when they have dealt with me in the past and what's inside revealed through interaction with me was evident to other people and they found it strange.

This I can relate to as well. I'm pretty sure people see me as a female, some sort. But the way I talk, walk, interact, think & look does not align with that! So I just feel like a weirdo... But I am NOT going to pretend anything I'm not. So I feel like I can't really connect with people...

Social interaction is something I do when I have to because there's no choice, or to get information, and regularly I get some to make sure I'm not going crazy - a mental health measure, as all people need at least some. If you've spent any number of months or years living completely alone with little human interaction, you'll know what I'm talking about. Being alone is my default mental state but I recognize there needs to be interaction occasionally.

Same! I mean... I do go crazy without any social interaction whatsoever. I feel I have to get out of this house to at least buy groceries so I can at least see other people. 

I get some every day of course because I live with someone, and I tend to have to interact with people online daily. The greater need though is for personal space and time to think and digest things by myself.

Same! Interacting with people online gives some social interaction without the need to actually be around the other person & like them. I'm a bunch of weird contradictions... I'm very social & severely need company (I couldn't survive without my SO) - but I also don't like many people... I definitely need my space & love to work alone. And now that I've gotten used to this state of 'not seeing anybody' - I don't know how much 'time' I'd be willing to dedicate to seeing people  !

But then again... I crave for social interactions with other people, for sure! This feels like an imprisonment for me. Maybe I've had too many toxic people in my life to understand not all the people are like that. (It might be also bcos I can't stand the fact that people don't respect my gender identity - and to me that automatically screams 'toxic contact')

I like everyone on this forum, at least  !

[DawnOday]

Only for 60 years. I used to think I was just introverted. But, over the last year I have discovered the real reason and how subconsciously it has always affected my life. Including my inability to ensure my marriage vows were kept. This was the greatest failure of my life. It proves we truly have no control. Fortunately I have been with a women for 35 years that did not care unless I brought it up. So I cross dressed at every opportunity  Since I have brought it up, she got a little upset. Mostly because I brought up to the kids. But the kids are Adults and handled the situation quite well.

[PurpleWolf]

Only for 60 years.

For 60 years  ??!? Now I feel much better with my *

[big kim]

For many years. As a kid I hated attention, I sat quiet in class, would never answer questions. I hated parties, did my best to avoid them. I did hobbies I could do alone like fishing & model making. I'm no longer much of a drinker, I had problems with it & have not much tolerance to alcohol. I dislike pubs & nightclubs. I sometimes ride with a facebook group who have the same bike as me about once or twice a month, my anual party is the Rebellion Punk Festival. I'm at home with the outcasts, bikers & punks yet I feel I don't fit in anywhere. No partner though I've hooked up with a couple of guys & a girl for the first time in 14 years.

[Laurie]

  IRL I isolate. I live in my room which is part of a 3 bedroom apartment. My Mom and my sister lived in the rest of the apartment. Now it is only my sister. We do share the kitchen with me cooking my breakfasts and her mostly cooking our supper. Her and I do not converse much at all. I seldom leave my room to go out into the world except when I have to go to a store, do laundry for my sister and I, check the mail or when when permits and I feel like it I go for walks.
  There are exception though where I've been know to actually visit people. At these times I think I become social with those people enjoying myself and their friendship. It usually involves  driving anywhere from an hour and a half to 31 days. This is a great time for me as I love to drive and I enjoy the company of individual to very small groups. Put me in a crowded environment full of people and about all I want to do is escape unless I am enjoying the company of someone else. That lets me ignore the rest of the world.
  Online i also tend to be more social once I feel I belong and I do belong here with all of you. It's almost as if I have different personalities depending on where I am and what I am doing.

Hugs,
  Laurie

P.S. Mr PW That's at least four perhaps five.

[Allison S]

A lot of my past keeps coming up when I see guys like thoughts of what used to be my "romantic" life. It's like I keep subjecting myself to the same scenario constantly with men- a cycle... I know looks shouldn't solely matter when meeting potential partners but I'm not comfortable right now in my life.

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[Julia1996]

I was pretty isolated when I was younger. There were a few people at school who weren't mean to me ( all girls) but I wouldn't say they were especially friendly either. I never tried to make friends during that period. I couldn't do anything outdoors without covering myself with clothes and a hat and gloves (I had to add the gloves after I had skin cancer on my hand) which looked weird,  so I pretty much just stayed home all the time. I didn't have any friends but I wasn't lonely because my brother always did stuff with me. I really didn't have great people skills. But then when I started working I dealt with all kinds of people and it helped me develop better people skills.

I think the reason a lot of trans people are isolated is simply because they don't want to deal with other people unless they have to. None of us  ever knows what's going to happen to us in public, being outed, insulted or possibly assaulted. The need for friends isn't worth the possible risks. In my case I really don't care that much anymore about having friends after having some friends that I thought were accepting turn on me.

[DawnOday]

For 60 years  ??!? Now I feel much better with my *

Started in kindergarten. I didn't like playing with the boys. Played Jacks, hopscotch, four square, dress up etc with the girls. It felt natural. At eight I began playing baseball but still did not fit in. I would cry after every mistake and loss. Most of my friends, I have known since kindergarten in 1956. But I had those damn guy parts.

[Gertrude]

Being an introvert, it comes naturally


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[DeniseGrace]

Mostly socially isolated for I'd guess over 20 years

[MaryT]

Being an introvert, it comes naturally

Could it be that you became introverted because of your gender dysphoria?

At least since primary school I have only socialised when forced into social situations.  I had a few friends in high school but we didn't hang out after school.  I was friendly with colleagues at work and sometimes socialised with them after work but I mainly regarded it as being polite, although I was genuinely fond of some female colleagues I used to know.  I also socialised with friends of the family when necessary.  Now I see my brother every couple of months and I may bump into a former colleague about once a year.  That's the total of my current socialising.  I will spend Christmas watching television and eating microwaved turkey.  Having said that, I sometimes enjoyed the social interaction that I was forced into.

The thing is, I was living a lie, trying to present as a man, although some female colleagues suspected the truth.  People I socialised with did not know the real me and I know that many of them would have been freaked out if they had known.  Since primary school I have never met anyone I believe to be trans.  What is the point of making friends with people who do not really know you and probably wouldn't want to know you?  I'm sure that many trans people became introverted BECAUSE they are trans.  Now I know that I could probably benefit from finding and joining a support group but old habits die hard.

[Gertrude]

Could it be that you became introverted because of your gender dysphoria?

At least since primary school I have only socialised when forced into social situations.  I had a few friends in high school but we didn't hang out after school.  I was friendly with colleagues at work and sometimes socialised with them after work but I mainly regarded it as being polite, although I was genuinely fond of some female colleagues I used to know.  I also socialised with friends of the family when necessary.  Now I see my brother every couple of months and I may bump into a former colleague about once a year.  That's the total of my current socialising.  I will spend Christmas watching television and eating microwaved turkey.  Having said that, I sometimes enjoyed the social interaction that I was forced into.

The thing is, I was living a lie, trying to present as a man, although some female colleagues suspected the truth.  People I socialised with did not know the real me and I know that many of them would have been freaked out if they had known.  Since primary school I have never met anyone I believe to be trans.  What is the point of making friends with people who do not really know you and probably wouldn't want to know you?  I'm sure that many trans people became introverted BECAUSE they are trans.  Now I know that I could probably benefit from finding and joining a support group but old habits die hard.

I've always been introverted. Mild aspergers. Mom said I could entertain myself for hours. When I want to be around people I am, but I don't need it all the time. In fact, I find it draining.


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[V M]

*Heavy sigh*

I feel isolated most of the time, sometimes it's of my own doing other times not so much

Other than a brief hello goodbye I rarely talk to any of my neighbors much anymore

I do try to reach out sometimes but often it all seems to come undone somehow and I find myself left alone to my own devices again

*Shrugs it off and mopes about a bit*

[Zquence]

Age: 23
Have you ever socially isolated yourself? Yes
In what ways? I was in complete isolation
When? 2014
For how long? I remember little before 5th grade.(I went to a new school nearly every year) But I have rarely had have friends, 5th grade none
6th grade archnemesis from 5th grade 7th none 8th none 9th 1 we dreamed to take over the word. 10th none 11th 1st half none 2nd half so many this was the first time I felt happy 12 grade there was a group of 6-10 of us that would always hang out. That dropped to 4 after graduation, and trickled down after I got engaged then it was just me and her for a couple of years until it blew up then I just worked and came home to my cat until panic attacks made me stop going to work, I was like that for about 6th months. I moved nothing changed until recently.
How was it? Terrible it feels like nothing just empty and bouts of rage and crying
Have you survived it? To scared to die
Do you now have friends & a great social life? Thankfully because I got kicked out lol
Are you still living it? Nope

Is there something you learned from it?
Or something you'd like to tell your then-self?

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[Lucy Ross]

I sort of relate to Anneli Rufus and what she details in her book Party of One: the Loners' Manifesto, but she makes a distinction between loners, who truly shun and don't need the company of others and are content that way, and the lonely, who life aloof but revel being in company when the opportunity comes along.  I think I'm more in the 2nd camp, I do like being with my friends and around the people at work, but I've lived on my own for a long time too, am alone right now, and don't mind it that way; I've never been in a long term relationship, I used to be much more dyspectic and lived as a bit of a shut in for a good few years - and was happy, too.  How gender played a role in all this I really wonder about now, having only really realized its importance to my persona recently.

Rufus's book is excellent reading, check it out if you haven't.  Some truly astonishing talents have been loners.  I don't count myself in their company but as regards the music I play I have an exhaustive knowledge, for what that's worth.