Hi everyone from Susan's Place,
My birth name is Shirley Liu and my assigned sex was female. However, I have struggled with gender dysphoria which became worse when I hit puberty at 14. I struggled with depression while in middle school at this age and was consistently bullied for enjoying activities like camping, body building which were stereotypes of the male gender. My depression got worse when I was sexually assaulted in second semester in seventh grade. Seventh and eighth grade were the times when the bullying was the worst and it made me feel numb like I didn't exist anymore. But entering into high school, things were okay for two years. Freshmen and sophomore year of high school were okay because I had many male friends that I played lacrosse and ran track with. I was able to blend in with them and no one questioned my gender expression or choice of friends. I could dress in shorts, suits and have my hair short without anyone making fun of me. In junior and senior year of high school, things changed and my friends began drifting away as everyone prepared for college. I was left alone and some of my most painful memories in high school were in gym class. I came out as transgender in my junior year of high school and no one really understood what it meant to be transgender. Some of the cisgender guys in my gym class would snicker at me when I wanted to play sports on the males side and say comments like "We don't need any pussies on our team." The cisgender girls shunned me because I wasn't in their eyes a true girl who cared about makeup or dresses. I felt like I didn't belong anywhere and even though I enjoyed sports, everyone was reluctant to have me on their team. The gym teachers I talked to didn't think transgender people existed and called it a phase. I became more and more detached from myself and the world around me junior year. Senior year, I had such strong gender dysphoria that it was hard to concentrate on many things, so I became detached from my body. I started chest binding, starting a vegan diet and bench-pressing to make myself more masculine. I am currently a freshman at Ocean County College inToms River, NJ and 18 years old. I am part of the Ocean LGBT Pride club at my college which has been very supportive. The members of the club refer to me as Janus which is the name I picked for myself when I joined their club as a transgender. I picked Janus because he is the Roman god of transition and new beginnings and the god for January which is the month I was born in. I feel like accepting myself as transgender is like a new birth and a way I'm finding myself. It took a lot of time for me to realize that being transgender doesn't mean I have a mental illness or that I'm flawed as what I was bullied into believing. I came out to my parents a month ago and they did not take it well. They do not like the idea of me with short hair or finding ways to be more masculine. They think that transgender people are unnatural and they are just people who are going through a phase where they dislike their gender. I have tried explaining many times to them that transgender is who I am and just because I identify as a male doesn't mean I hate females. Lately, I have gone to a transgender therapist who is helping me sort out the trauma I've faced. I am also considering the cheapest place to get testosterone hormone therapy that is in NJ since I don't have health insurance. For those who reply to the post, call me Janus. I am looking for friends and advice on this site. There are some questions I have for the community at Susan's Place:
My therapist is in Toms River, NJ. How do I know if she can prescribe testosterone hormone therapy?
I live in Brick, NJ and have been looking for places that provide hormone therapy for transgender people. I've researched online and have received an email that Healthy Transitions in Silverling, NJ is not accepting new patients. However, Robert Wood Johnson Hospital in Somerset and New Brunswick have hormone therapy treatments. Has anyone been there and how much does it cost? I know there is Callen-Lorde in NYC which has a sliding scale, but it's not probable for me to get to. Also Mazzoni Center in Philadelphia is even further away. Are there any other places for hormone therapy?
Thank you and best of luck to everyone who is struggling with who they are.
