So...

[Kc1058]

...I came out to my wife last night. Not really on purpose- not planned by any stretch of the imagination. We were having a discussion and got on the topic of my middle son who suffers from depression-
She said "I hope you never have to deal with..."
I didn't even let her finish the sentence, my brain/mouth filter disappeared and I just let it fly.
I almost had a complete panic attack - during the ensuing discussion I couldn't cry, even though she was uncontrollably sobbing.
All I could feel was relief. Is that bad?
My marriage I think is effectively over.
I love her more than anything, though she doesn't believe me when I tell her.
-Christyn


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[Bari Jo]

Eef, that's really tough KC.  Coming out is so hard, and it's hard on those that are closest to you too.  Give her some time and space, perhaps explain all your decision making and thought process in a note to her.  Let her absorb and grieve abiout this on her own time.  My family thanked me for doing it that way with them.  Good luck!

Bari Jo

[Megan.]

Christyn, have a big ((hug)) , I know this is hard time for you.

As Bari Jo says,  give her time and space to process this,  and keep reinforcing your love for her.

Sending my love to both of you. X

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[gallinarosa]

I don't know how long you've been married, but as a wife of a transwoman who had NO clue my spouse was trans for over 20 years, I can tell you that the first few weeks were really tough and not to judge your whole future on the initial reaction. Especially if it is mostly shock and sobbing and confusion and being overwhelmed. It is a lot to process. I've now known for 6 months and I am still processing.

Let her have her emotions and don't invalidate them. Be there for her. Keep reassuring her. Don't lie, but don't overwhelm her with everything at once - let her set the pace of the conversation. Offer to find a therapist (gender therapist or someone who is experienced in these issues and offer to go and offer to take her. Include her in deciding how you'll deal with this individually and as a couple. Move forward TOGETHER.

Your marriage might not be over. Couples do make it through this. Not all. But no matter what happens, if you can both be considerate of the other and work together, it will make this go more smoothly.

If you or she needs to talk, I welcome you to PM me. I know this is stressful but it is better out than hidden. Good luck to both of you.

[krobinson103]

A brave thing to do. Give her  time and support and She will come to terms with it in Her own way. My wife was rather practical about it. She knows me well. Once I make a decision my course is set so She wasn't super worried about us, just the effect on the kids.

[Bari Jo]

Hello Gallinarosa,

Thank you for being a member of Susan's too.  I know it can be tough for us as well as our spouses and significant others.  I am glad you are making the effort to learn and hope you are able to see the great love we see for our soul mates.  Good luck on your journey.  Thanks again for speaking up. 


Bari Jo

[Sylvia]

Thank you Bari Jo.

OP I can only echo what Gallinarosa has said. Give your wife time, take things slowly, and talk, talk and talk some more. My OH came out in September and I too spent the first month in an uncontrollable sobbing mess. But we are working our way through things. We have a therapist now which is also helping.

Good luck.

[Charlie Nicki]

I don't know how long you've been married, but as a wife of a transwoman who had NO clue my spouse was trans for over 20 years, I can tell you that the first few weeks were really tough and not to judge your whole future on the initial reaction. Especially if it is mostly shock and sobbing and confusion and being overwhelmed. It is a lot to process. I've now known for 6 months and I am still processing.

Let her have her emotions and don't invalidate them. Be there for her. Keep reassuring her. Don't lie, but don't overwhelm her with everything at once - let her set the pace of the conversation. Offer to find a therapist (gender therapist or someone who is experienced in these issues and offer to go and offer to take her. Include her in deciding how you'll deal with this individually and as a couple. Move forward TOGETHER.

Your marriage might not be over. Couples do make it through this. Not all. But no matter what happens, if you can both be considerate of the other and work together, it will make this go more smoothly.

If you or she needs to talk, I welcome you to PM me. I know this is stressful but it is better out than hidden. Good luck to both of you.

Great advice GallinaRosa. KC, I hope you can make it.

[gallinarosa]

Thank you all for restoring my faith in humanity 



I hope everyone here can find someone worth fighting through some rough patches for <3

[gallinarosa]

And yes, your responses are making me tear up. The magic of estrogen...

[Kc1058]

Thank you for the advice.She has come around a little. It didn't help we both had to work today and I'm out of town for a couple days starting tonight.
Every few seconds of silence from me, for her, amplifies everything and makes her think the absolute worst. At this stage of the game it could go either way, I just don't know. What hurts her most I think is that my only emotion was relief.
I'll keep you posted as the days progress.

Hugs,

-Christyn.

[rainecloude]

Thank you for the advice.She has come around a little. It didn't help we both had to work today and I'm out of town for a couple days starting tonight.
Every few seconds of silence from me, for her, amplifies everything and makes her think the absolute worst. At this stage of the game it could go either way, I just don't know. What hurts her most I think is that my only emotion was relief.
I'll keep you posted as the days progress.

Hugs,

-Christyn.

Sending you so much love and good vibes. I think it's important to make sure you don't say anything finite because even if your marriage doesn't continue the way you would have hoped you can still have her as a major support person in your life.

Much love. <3

[LizK]

I have fought about as hard as I can to keep my marriage intact and will do until the day I die....for better or worse was the commitment I made along with several others and I take those vows very seriously.

Christyn I think gallinarosa has some excellent advice. Give her some time and space to jusr process things...engage with her if she wants and talk about it. Maybe both going to a counsellor would help.

My wife saw my therapist and after that day things were very different for me. She obviously gained an insight she never had before and knows that I love her unconditionally. This may still not be enough to keep your marraige together but having my wife's support has made a huge difference in my life...i will be eternally grateful for marrying such a beautiful soul.

[Rachel]

When I told my wife she thought I wanted to leave her and that the disclosure was I am transgender and x.  Please reassure her often that you love her. It is a huge shock and she wants her man and she wants her man to want her. Disclosure is a major shock to her and how she see herself.

I am divorced but my ex and I are great friends and we love each other. She will be moving to her condo in January or February. I will help her, change the locks and paint and anything else she needs. My wife wanted to be married to a man that wanted her and not someone that had to compensate to be with her. I married her under a false pretext and no matter how we tried over 4 years in the end it was best we divorced. We are really doing very well now. She accepts me.

I often felt during my transition as I shed the male and felt better the more she lost and she felt worse. It was very painful for her and me too. There needs to be acceptance, compromise or closure. Sometimes the process takes years.

[Nora Kayte]

From my experience if you love her as I love my wife. Which it sounds like you do. And your wife loves you as mine does me. And it also sounds like she does. It is important to communicate with her as much as you can. For me I never once treated her any different than I had in the past. I tell her I love her as much or more than I did before I was out to her. I do all the little thing as I have done our whole relationship before. I treat her like the princess I always have and I would like her to treat me as. And you may need to go slower than you would like. It may be rough. But my wife is the most important thing to me in the world. Her happiness is my number one priority. Then comes my transition. I am in the middle of electrolysis. And over a year and a half on hormones. We have been to the therapist together. At times I still do not think she gets it 100% but I am sure she understands enough. It is hard going as slow as I am. But to me she is worth it. There still may be a time where she won't be able to handle it. Like I am sure when the day comes that I remove the final hair on my face I may have problems. She loves my goatee. It will be the last to go. And there may be times that we both hurt. But I am confident we can get thru it. One time I told her I want an orchiectomy and she said no way. Said if I did it would be over. I gave her time and she came to me about it and we discussed it and it seems like I will get the chance in the future. She now understands the benefits and sees that nothing would change. Except the amount of pills I need to take. So if you give her enough time in between the steps you take. You let her get used to each step before you move to the next one there may be a chance. That's just my thought. I wish you and your wife the best. Love will prevail if it's strong. Love her with all your heart.


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[Artesia]

For me, the marriage is ending in divorce.  We are, however, remaining friends.  We intend on helping each other out as best as we can.  She prepared me for the worst, and even hoped I would find someone who would accept me.  When I did, she comforted me on my feeling that I was betraying her.  Our relationship has become quite complicated, and having her give me dating advice for me new girlfriend is....weird, to say the least.  Just continue to talk to each other, the right path for you may be different than mine, but each moment will be a moment to treasure.

[Jessica]

From my experience if you love her as I love my wife. Which it sounds like you do. And your wife loves you as mine does me. And it also sounds like she does. It is important to communicate with her as much as you can. For me I never once treated her any different than I had in the past. I tell her I love her as much or more than I did before I was out to her. I do all the little thing as I have done our whole relationship before. I treat her like the princess I always have and I would like her to treat me as. And you may need to go slower than you would like. It may be rough. But my wife is the most important thing to me in the world. Her happiness is my number one priority. Then comes my transition. I am in the middle of electrolysis. And over a year and a half on hormones. We have been to the therapist together. At times I still do not think she gets it 100% but I am sure she understands enough. It is hard going as slow as I am. But to me she is worth it. There still may be a time where she won't be able to handle it. Like I am sure when the day comes that I remove the final hair on my face I may have problems. She loves my goatee. It will be the last to go. And there may be times that we both hurt. But I am confident we can get thru it. One time I told her I want an orchiectomy and she said no way. Said if I did it would be over. I gave her time and she came to me about it and we discussed it and it seems like I will get the chance in the future. She now understands the benefits and sees that nothing would change. Except the amount of pills I need to take. So if you give her enough time in between the steps you take. You let her get used to each step before you move to the next one there may be a chance. That's just my thought. I wish you and your wife the best. Love will prevail if it's strong. Love her with all your heart.


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I agree with Nora Kayte.  I'm following those same footsteps with my wife and we are closer than ever.

[Kc1058]

She feels betrayed to some degree and lied to. She feels that the last 16 years of our life has been a lie. I
I am very relieved that I have come out to her, I don't know where my emotions are- she has been crying for the last 2 days and I  haven't so much as shed a tear- and nothing makes me more sad than seeing the woman I love in pain, sad or hurt in any way.

It's going to be a long road I know- she did send me this last night, which tells me there may be hope for us -
https://theestablishment.co/im-so-glad-my-husband-told-me-she-was-a-woman-391c2b193aa


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[Charlie Nicki]

Thank you all for restoring my faith in humanity 



I hope everyone here can find someone worth fighting through some rough patches for <3

Thank you for being here. I know it must be really hard to go through this as a partner. I unfortunately lost mine and I wish we could have made it work. By the way, do you speak Spanish? Asking because of your name. I'm Colombian. Hugs for you!

[bobbisue]

     Hi Christyn thank you for sharing your story and the article your wife sent you I am in a some what similar situation I have been out to my wife for about 2 years and she is still struggling but she is still here I had been doing my best to go as slow as possible for her sake however I was outed at work and as we are living in a very small town of 500 people I am out to the whole community now people have been awesome in their support this has put extra strain on my wife and I truly hope it doesn't break her resolve so please know that you are not alone and there is hope as long as you remain strong and keep trying

     bobbisue