It seems so ridiculous

[Christy Lee]

AND YET, i keep wanting/wishing i was female, Even tho id prefer not to feel this way at all, it seems i cant think of anything else, ive tried denying this part of my life, ive tried to deny it and also my sexuality as well, i couldnt go as far as dating girls but i have been Asexual, its like i sometimes want sex but not in this skin currently it feels to awkward and wrong any which way boys, girls it doesnt matter it just feels wrong

I cant move forward in Boy mode with my life anymore,
But Im too much of a coward to come out and even just accept it

Sometimes im scared that id become a slut if i acknowledge Christy, im afraid of just how much  i will change?
It feels like am i being too dramatic like too much of a drama queen? about this  whole disphoria thing, can i just grin and bear it? is this what i should do?

it just seems so ridiculous that i feel this way, i dont really do anything feminine im not even sure if i want to be extra girly id like to maybe explore it more but feel too scared, or i feel like id be letting my down Mother, who is really the only person in my life that i care about atm because any friends i have had ive not let anybody get superr close to me in case i were to tell them

Sorry about the dark post, right now it feels like ill never be happy

[Christy Lee]

I even told my mum last year i dont really like girls and am more attracted to boys, so i think im gay, she first said if your gay your gay, but she didnt believe i was gay cus ive never showed any attraction to boys before that she could see and i said well i dont really like girls, she said how do you  know in my head i wanted to say, cus im a trans girl and it doesnt feel right to like girls but currently it doesnt feel right to like boys, but instead i said, i just feel more attracted to men she didnt seem too impressed and it felt like i was letting her down... i dont think i can bring myself to tell her about Christy....

[natalie.ashlyne]

Hi Christy I will say I believe what you are feeling is totally common. I know it is for me, for ever I wanted to be a girl I was always much happier when I was, I was more social when I could act female yes I went through a slutty phase I am not proud of but for me that was my breaking point, I when I decided to transition, There is nothing that says you have to be extremely girly. There are no rules for you being you. You can start with something small and experiment from there I  did, and I think your mom will love you for who you are if you can talk to her about it, You can also call a gender therapist or Councillor you may have a LGBTQI center in your area you can talk to they are Confidential and no cost.

[Sephirah]

Better to get it out than keep it in, sweetie. Seriously. *hugs*

Doing feminine things does not equal being a girl, Christy. Not necessarily. And your post kind of touches on something deeper that a lot of people realise at some point. It isn't necessarily about what you do, don't do, want, don't want... it's just about who you are. It's something that you can analyse to death based on your interests, sexual orientation, hobbies, pastimes, habits... you know, every little thing about your life. But it's that nagging inside your head which won't go away, and colours all of these.

It isn't ridiculous at all, hon. Not at all. And you're NOT being a drama queen. You're at a place many people have been. Look, you don't have to be "girly" to be a girl. You just don't. Who you are on that level is the canvas, not the picture you paint on it. And if your canvas is wrong then no matter what you paint on it, it will be wrong.

The best thing you can do at this point is get in touch with a professional if you can, to talk about all of this with. Express how you feel and see what happens with that.

But don't feel like it's silly, or ridiculous to feel the way you feel, okay? It isn't.

[Christy Lee]

Hi Christy I will say I believe what you are feeling is totally common. I know it is for me, for ever I wanted to be a girl I was always much happier when I was, I was more social when I could act female yes I went through a slutty phase I am not proud of but for me that was my breaking point, I when I decided to transition, There is nothing that says you have to be extremely girly. There are no rules for you being you. You can start with something small and experiment from there I  did, and I think your mom will love you for who you are if you can talk to her about it, You can also call a gender therapist or Councillor you may have a LGBTQI center in your area you can talk to they are Confidential and no cost.

Thank you it sucks that the universe decided to dump this on me... UGH

I find it hard to talk about anything sexually related to mum, she is Asexual and whenever we watch a movie together she says anything sort of sexual she says yuck, it doesnt matter if its LGBT related or not she just doesnt like it, i sort of feel like she would be OK but i spent most of my time in my 20s thinking that she wouldnt even worse then that my accommodations SUCKED, i spent the most of the 20s living with my family afraid to be myself there was like 5 or more people living with us at any given time i hated it LOL i felt like if i made a big scene about it then others not mum so much but other people i lived with wouldnt accept and might try and get me kicked out i never once thought mum would do that but just be pressured by everyone else....

But now im 31, and its just mum and i, i feel like its time maybe to stop the merri go round, but im scared still a lifetime of suppression ya know?

Better to get it out than keep it in, sweetie. Seriously. *hugs*

Doing feminine things does not equal being a girl, Christy. Not necessarily. And your post kind of touches on something deeper that a lot of people realise at some point. It isn't necessarily about what you do, don't do, want, don't want... it's just about who you are. It's something that you can analyse to death based on your interests, sexual orientation, hobbies, pastimes, habits... you know, every little thing about your life. But it's that nagging inside your head which won't go away, and colours all of these.

It isn't ridiculous at all, hon. Not at all. And you're NOT being a drama queen. You're at a place many people have been. Look, you don't have to be "girly" to be a girl. You just don't. Who you are on that level is the canvas, not the picture you paint on it. And if your canvas is wrong then no matter what you paint on it, it will be wrong.

The best thing you can do at this point is get in touch with a professional if you can, to talk about all of this with. Express how you feel and see what happens with that.

But don't feel like it's silly, or ridiculous to feel the way you feel, okay? It isn't.

Thanks for the kind words and hug *returns hug*

i have over Analyzed it to death and then i created like a door in my mind where i put all these feelings so i didnt feel them and only come out sometimes, but ive always known i was Transgendered even before i knew what it was, i knew ive just been afraid to deal with it

Part of me wants to, BUT right now i dont feel girly, i mean i feel more girly than i do manly, but, i also kind of dont feel free to express it atm, scared to move forward,

It does feel like a constant Nagging, if i were a girl things would be better, if i were a girl i wouldnt be doing this manly  chore or task, if i were a girl people may not be so mean to me, if i were a girl i would be ok with how people see me (i have been confused as a girl more than once) why wasnt i just born female? When CIS girls complain about men makes me think well im not a man im a woman, the nagging just sucks

Im thinking about looking for a councilor in the new year

It does feel ridiculous/silly sometimes, so i compartmentalize it like i said ^^ but thanks for saying

[KathyLauren]

im afraid of just how much  i will change?

You get to decide just how much or how little you change.  Hormones can settle your mind and reshape your body, but they won't change who you are.  Only you can do that.  You can be however you want to be.

It feels like am i being too dramatic like too much of a drama queen?

I can't see anything that would make me call you a drama queen.  Just a possibly/probably transgender person struggling to make sense of it all.  Like all of us here have done or are doing.

about this  whole disphoria thing, can i just grin and bear it?

Some people can, for a time.  The thing is, though, dysphoria tends to get worse over time.  People do tough it out for various reasons, especially to avoid disrupting families.  But it gets harder to do as time goes by.

is this what i should do?

Only you can decide what you should do.  A gender therapist would help you to sort out your feelings and plan what course of action would be best for you.

[Jessica]

Hi Christy 🙋‍♀️ I have always considered myself a very logical person and I can't come to grips with the "why" as easily as the reality of reality.  For me, a calm acceptance to the reality is to me a peaceful spot in the eye of a storm that I alone control.  We create our world we live in to find balance on this seesaw we call life.

Om (this was deep), Jess 💁‍♀️

[Sephirah]

Why do you think things would be better, Christy? In what way?

(Sorry, I'm a nosy cow a lot of the time, lol.)

[DawnOday]

I too tried to live as a guy. For 65 years. I could not live the lie anymore. I too am not feminine. If the citizens were more accepting and there were a history of transitions when I was in my twenties there is no doubt I would be Mrs Oday now. But there were very few examples and those that didn't have surgery were described as perverts and prostitutes. We now know with a great degree of certainty that being transgender is not a choice. Honestly nobody I know would choose this course on a whim. Most today believe there is an underlying cause such as in my case. My mother was administered massive doses of female hormones at an very important juncture in development where the body was already formed and the brain developed on the female hormones. These hormones were administered continually in amounts in excess of 3000 times the estrogen in a single birth control pill over the last 2 trimesters. I have two suggestions that can help to make the appropriate decision. Contact a Gender Therapist.  Visit some support groups. Use the wiki's above to seek them out. My transition has been the best thing I ever did for myself and by dotted line. My family. They are still confused but are getting accustomed to the situation. And my life is the best it ever has been. No stress, no guilt. Dealing with bigot's is relatively easy especially since it is a single encounter, smile and walk on by. Living in a more accepting city such as Seattle is a big plus.   I hope you make an informed decision and enjoy the rest of your life.

[DawnOday]

Why do you think things would be better, Christy? In what way?

(Sorry, I'm a nosy cow a lot of the time, lol.)

Please never demean yourself because you ask a question. It is not LOL. Seeking knowledge is one of the best things you can do and if anyone objects, it's their shortsightedness not yours.

[Christy Lee]

Why do you think things would be better, Christy? In what way?

(Sorry, I'm a nosy cow a lot of the time, lol.)

I dont really know if things would be better, its just the nagging tells me things would be better if i were a female, ive never liked being a man, doing manly chores etc, etc, i just want to be normal and not feel these things

You get to decide just how much or how little you change.  Hormones can settle your mind and reshape your body, but they won't change who you are.  Only you can do that.  You can be however you want to be.

I guess i sort of mean like, how much have i been suppressing? because of fear/shame

I can't see anything that would make me call you a drama queen.  Just a possibly/probably transgender person struggling to make sense of it all.  Like all of us here have done or are doing.

Thank you, i felt last night in my head i was being a drama queen LOL it comes and it goes

Some people can, for a time.  The thing is, though, dysphoria tends to get worse over time.  People do tough it out for various reasons, especially to avoid disrupting families.  But it gets harder to do as time goes by.

I can compartmentalize it to a point where i barely feel any disphoria, just some random thing happening or some big thing, like a month ago, i got hit on in boy mode, he thought i was girl, felt quite embarrassed/ashamed/tried not to look, but after that i thought how HOT it would have been if i was a girl, and my disphoria is now the worst its ever been

I too tried to live as a guy. For 65 years. I could not live the lie anymore. I too am not feminine. If the citizens were more accepting and there were a history of transitions when I was in my twenties there is no doubt I would be Mrs Oday now. But there were very few examples and those that didn't have surgery were described as perverts and prostitutes. We now know with a great degree of certainty that being transgender is not a choice. Honestly nobody I know would choose this course on a whim. Most today believe there is an underlying cause such as in my case. My mother was administered massive doses of female hormones at an very important juncture in development where the body was already formed and the brain developed on the female hormones. These hormones were administered continually in amounts in excess of 3000 times the estrogen in a single birth control pill over the last 2 trimesters. I have two suggestions that can help to make the appropriate decision. Contact a Gender Therapist.  Visit some support groups. Use the wiki's above to seek them out. My transition has been the best thing I ever did for myself and by dotted line. My family. They are still confused but are getting accustomed to the situation. And my life is the best it ever has been. No stress, no guilt. Dealing with bigot's is relatively easy especially since it is a single encounter, smile and walk on by. Living in a more accepting city such as Seattle is a big plus.   I hope you make an informed decision and enjoy the rest of your life.

I most definitely do NOT want to be Transgender, i wish i didnt havee this disphoria i sometimes/most of the time feel, i wish i was either born a CIS girl, or just a normal guy and happy and settled in as a guy with my life with no disphoria at all

Hi Christy 🙋‍♀️ I have always considered myself a very logical person and I can't come to grips with the "why" as easily as the reality of reality.  For me, a calm acceptance to the reality is to me a peaceful spot in the eye of a storm that I alone control.  We create our world we live in to find balance on this seesaw we call life.

Om (this was deep), Jess 💁‍♀️

HUH.....

That was deep

[Christy Lee]

Had another mini freak out this morning

My thought process went like this
Why wasnt i born female
I want to be female
I have to be female
I must be female
I need it
we'll why do i need it? what do i keep getting these feelings? why cant i just be ok with being a guy?
i look kinda feminine, but it makes me look like a freak
i sound kinda feminine, but i hate it, i should sound masculine?
if they made me look this way, feel this way talk this way, why wasnt i just born female?
Ive suppressed it for so long would even like doing female things, why did i feel the need to suppress it? why do i want to be isolated? alone? not deal with it? it feels wrong but it feels kinda right.....
How do i explain it to the psychologist/gender therapist im planning to see? ive been so disconnected from myself, am even sure? is this real? ....... if so then WHY? how do i explain it to mum? she didnt take me liking guys so well, or didnt believe it
Why does this feel so wrong, but feel like its the path i should take?
Being a guy sucks, hate being the man, dont want to be a husband or father... its just feels wrong to me

Ive tried to cope with it by using escapism ie watching copious amounts of TV, gaming, over eating (unfortunately) which has worked up until now but ive become slightly agoraphobic tbh

ive never let myself feel all that before since i first tried on girl clothes, and make up all those years ago, i really tried to disconnect from it, but the more i tried the more ive become disconnected from life in general .........

[Sephirah]

we'll why do i need it? what do i keep getting these feelings? why cant i just be ok with being a guy?

Those are questions many folks, myself included, spend copious amounts of time trying to find answers to. Satisfactory answers. I can only speak personally here, but for me, every time I would ask myself any of those, I would only come up with more questions.

I equate it to picking at a loose thread in a garment and slowly unraveling it, pulling at it more and more until I look at what I'm left with and all I see is a huge pile of loose threads. The answer I finally came up with which gave me peace was: "I need to start over and look at the garment." In other words, the only answer I ever came up with which stopped all the questioning and the threads of my mind unraveling was: "Because it's who I am. Inside. It's my sense of self."

I think other people will feel differently, and have their own perspective and answers to some, or all of those questions. Which is as it should be, I think. It's something you really just have to examine how you feel yourself.

What I will say is that again, speaking personally, I've found my mind to have two layers. The rational, analytical, obsessive, often annoying layer... and a deeper, intuitive, emotionally driven layer. I've learned to trust the latter more than the former. To listen to it more, and what it's trying to whisper to me over the ranting and screaming of the other.

i look kinda feminine, but it makes me look like a freak
i sound kinda feminine, but i hate it, i should sound masculine?

Sweetie, the above links somewhat to the following:

if they made me look this way, feel this way talk this way, why wasnt i just born female?

If it's who you are, then you were born female. Just not anatomically. I say "if" because that's ultimately something for you to find out on your own. But if so, then that's what transition can help with. To allow you to be more yourself.

Ive suppressed it for so long would even like doing female things, why did i feel the need to suppress it? why do i want to be isolated? alone? not deal with it? it feels wrong but it feels kinda right.....

Whether you'd like doing female things isn't as important as you think it is, Christy. There's no law which states that if you're a woman, you have to pursue activities seen as feminine or attributed to being undertaken by women. You enjoy what you enjoy. Sweetie, you aren't becoming someone else, you're becoming you. Finding out who that is on a core level. It doesn't have to, and probably won't be like a personality and attitude transplant.

There are a whole lot of reasons why you'd want to suppress it and not want to deal with it. Examining yourself is hard, Christy. Asking questions like the ones we do is a hard thing and deals with some very deep issues. Taking the path of least resistance is often preferable, and easier.  But not necessarily right.

How do i explain it to the psychologist/gender therapist im planning to see? ive been so disconnected from myself, am even sure? is this real? ....... if so then WHY? how do i explain it to mum? she didnt take me liking guys so well, or didnt believe it

You don't explain it, Christy. You just talk about how you're feeling. You talk to them like you've talked to us. They're people, hon. There to try and help you understand yourself better. Not judge you.

Ive tried to cope with it by using escapism ie watching copious amounts of TV, gaming, over eating (unfortunately) which has worked up until now but ive become slightly agoraphobic tbh

ive never let myself feel all that before since i first tried on girl clothes, and make up all those years ago, i really tried to disconnect from it, but the more i tried the more ive become disconnected from life in general .........

Have a read around here, sweetie. You'd be surprised how common that is. You're not alone with this, okay?

*extra big hug*

[Christy Lee]

Those are questions many folks, myself included, spend copious amounts of time trying to find answers to. Satisfactory answers. I can only speak personally here, but for me, every time I would ask myself any of those, I would only come up with more questions.

I equate it to picking at a loose thread in a garment and slowly unraveling it, pulling at it more and more until I look at what I'm left with and all I see is a huge pile of loose threads. The answer I finally came up with which gave me peace was: "I need to start over and look at the garment." In other words, the only answer I ever came up with which stopped all the questioning and the threads of my mind unraveling was: "Because it's who I am. Inside. It's my sense of self."

Ive usually just had an outburst like, i wanna be female, or if i was female .. wouldnt happen wouldnt have to do..... or feel ..... why wasnt i just born female so i dont have to feel this crap, and then just like sort of push it under the bed again, tried not to think to deeply about it, kind of have been too afraid to think about it to deeply, trying to fight it, ignore it etc..... no Christopher your a boy, just be a boy.......... but i just dont feel like that.....

If it's who you are, then you were born female. Just not anatomically. I say "if" because that's ultimately something for you to find out on your own. But if so, then that's what transition can help with. To allow you to be more yourself.

Sometimes i feel like YES, but then having tried so hard to be a boy all my life, its sort of been hard to accept doesnt feel real sometimes.....

Whether you'd like doing female things isn't as important as you think it is, Christy. There's no law which states that if you're a woman, you have to pursue activities seen as feminine or attributed to being undertaken by women. You enjoy what you enjoy. Sweetie, you aren't becoming someone else, you're becoming you. Finding out who that is on a core level. It doesn't have to, and probably won't be like a personality and attitude transplant.

There are a whole lot of reasons why you'd want to suppress it and not want to deal with it. Examining yourself is hard, Christy. Asking questions like the ones we do is a hard thing and deals with some very deep issues. Taking the path of least resistance is often preferable, and easier.  But not necessarily right.

I guess ive always equated to that in my mind, and thought your boy so dont let yourself do anything girly you dont want people to know, and i guess also what my meaning was more like how much have i suppressed? how different will be when i finally 100% accept all of me and embrace this side to me its kinda scary, being Asexual aswell ive also supressed any sort of sexual desires i might have,

i guess i felt them but never showed any intent with them if you know what i mean? again  i went through a whole lot of questioning my sexuality, am i gay? i dont feel gay, i see how other gay men act and that just doesnt feel like me, am i bi then? i dont like girls really even tho ive tried to, i use to think if only... girl had the right part, if im a woman inside does that make me straight? if im a woman inside is that why liking girls feels wrong to me?

For me 11 years ago, when my dysphoria was at its worst, i had a sh!tty living situation, and i didnt feel free or safe to express myself in full 100%, didnt feel free to think about it.... to acknowledge it even, even tho as hard as i tried the feelings were still there... in the background

You don't explain it, Christy. You just talk about how you're feeling. You talk to them like you've talked to us. They're people, hon. There to try and help you understand yourself better. Not judge you.

Have a read around here, sweetie. You'd be surprised how common that is. You're not alone with this, okay?

*extra big hug*

I did see a therapist (not a gender therapist) in 16, i briefly mentioned i had abit of dysphoria, but i wasnt feeling any really at the time so i sort of said i dont think thats me, however i talked with her about my sexuality, and how i want a husband etc i think im gay (again me trying not to deal with the fact that i might be trans) i think now if i were to talk to that therapist again, or now instead of then the story would be different, i was just too afraid to deal with that the time, having let fear run most of my life

Thank you, youve actually been a big help to me, in responding to you having to think very deeply about all of this, while im still like woah sh!t am i really trans? is this even real?, its helped me be a little more sure of myself
*hugs*

[Christy Lee]

So today i thought about what it would mean to me, if mum accepted me as her daughter, and it just put a huge unforced smile on my face, felt soo good to think about it like that, which is something i havent thought about it like that before, just been so focused feeling ashamed of myself about the possibility of being trans that i never stopped to think like that but today i did, and it  felt great actually, i hope she does

[Sephirah]

So today i thought about what it would mean to me, if mum accepted me as her daughter, and it just put a huge unforced smile on my face, felt soo good to think about it like that, which is something i havent thought about it like that before, just been so focused feeling ashamed of myself about the possibility of being trans that i never stopped to think like that but today i did, and it  felt great actually, i hope she does

That word in bold is probably one of the most important in all this, Christy.

I know it can feel like a dam is breaking, when you allow yourself to actually feel. And it can be overwhelming at times. But you're doing great. I've been keeping track of your posts and your journey. I've never been a huge fan of telling someone what they should feel or who they are, I think it's way better if they find that out for themselves.

That's what you've been doing. Working through everything you've been feeling, and why, and what it all means to you. I'm really proud of you, you know. And... if I may say, you seem happier now. Allowing yourself to experience emotions without trying to suppress them. That can make a big difference to how others interact with you. I've always believed that "if you can't love yourself, how can anyone else love you?".

Keep going, sweetie. You're getting there. *giant hug*

[KathyLauren]

Sometimes i feel like YES, but then having tried so hard to be a boy all my life, its sort of been hard to accept doesnt feel real sometimes.....

The thing is that cis boys don't have to try at all.  Being a boy is effortless for them.  If you had to try to be a boy, and especially if you had to try hard, it likely means that you weren't one.  Which in turn means that you are likely trans.

It always bothered me growing up that the other kids acted like being a boy was totally natural for them while I had to work hard at it.  Now, it makes sense, of course.

[Christy Lee]

That word in bold is probably one of the most important in all this, Christy.

I know it can feel like a dam is breaking, when you allow yourself to actually feel. And it can be overwhelming at times. But you're doing great. I've been keeping track of your posts and your journey. I've never been a huge fan of telling someone what they should feel or who they are, I think it's way better if they find that out for themselves.

That's what you've been doing. Working through everything you've been feeling, and why, and what it all means to you. I'm really proud of you, you know. And... if I may say, you seem happier now. Allowing yourself to experience emotions without trying to suppress them. That can make a big difference to how others interact with you. I've always believed that "if you can't love yourself, how can anyone else love you?".

Keep going, sweetie. You're getting there. *giant hug*

Thank you

Ive always felt like i hated being a guy so much, and always thought i want to be female, but never thought much more then that, if it wasnt for a couple of things over the past couple of months i doubt i still would have allowed myself to think about it, because my dysphoria wouldnt be screaming at me like it is now

sometimes i do feel happier, but sometimes its more like im just more connected to myself, i guess, idk... i still have those OMFG WTF are you on about, this cant be real, your making this up.... moments

ive always found that aswell, and ive hated myself for hating being a guy, for wanting to be female in the past, feeling these things, ive always felt the need to be isolated and alone, always trying to tell myself no your fine being lonely... its ok dont do anything about it.... just leave things as they are, but now it sort of seems like its at a point where i almost cant ignore it anymore

The thing is that cis boys don't have to try at all.  Being a boy is effortless for them.  If you had to try to be a boy, and especially if you had to try hard, it likely means that you weren't one.  Which in turn means that you are likely trans.

It always bothered me growing up that the other kids acted like being a boy was totally natural for them while I had to work hard at it.  Now, it makes sense, of course.

Yeah ive always wondered if normal CIS guys ever even just wonder what its like to be female ... i highly doubt it

I was ok as a boy, I mean,  i didnt feel like the rest of the boys, but didnt really do much girly things like play with dolls it kinda felt weird to think about tho, but ive always hated standing up to pee, its just wrong to me... JUST NO, and then like whenever i would see other boys/guys say they were going to pee, and pee outside it would make me cringe, ive also never peed in a urinal before... eewwww, BUT i was ok, it wasnt until dating and other things like that came into play, i had a problem, i hated the very idea of being the man, never wanted to be the boyfriend/husband/father ive been Asexual ever since i worked that out

[Cassi]

Upon very much reflection over the past month or so, I've come to realize that my existence was based on the needs, wants and expectations of others and never on myself because that would be selfish.  This has helped me get things more in focus so far.

[elkie-t]

Hi Christy. Why wouldn't you go to a gender specialist and talk it over with a professional? Having a professional evaluation and diagnosis might be helpful for you to build resolve and come out to your mother and all other people in the world...

Generally, I don't think everyone needs a specialist, but in your case it seems like a good idea.


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