It seems so ridiculous

[elkie-t]

Here's my train of thought...

1) your mother seems to be understanding and supportive person. Yet you sound like you need her permission and approval (either to be gay, or transgender).

2) you are attracted to guys, yet not actually having any sexual relationships with any. You want to be accepted as a female, yet not sure if you can actually do it.

3) I think, when you aren't sure - it's best not to overload your close ones with your uncertainty. Work it out with a specialist, and come out when ready and certain. You already know your mother will support you in the end.

4) when coming out - don't seek permission or demand to be accepted right away. Inform your mother of the situation, your decision and what changes will likely to happen to you in the near future. You can ask to be supported in your new gender (by using your new name and proper pronouns), but also - you may give your money your mother some time to understand you are serious about the transition and the changes are actually happening. Eventually, when the whole world accepts you as a female, your mother will accept you too (maybe much sooner, but don't expect her to accept it before she sees the changes in you with her own eyes).



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[Christy Lee]

Upon very much reflection over the past month or so, I've come to realize that my existence was based on the needs, wants and expectations of others and never on myself because that would be selfish.  This has helped me get things more in focus so far.

I believe this is a big reason why i havent done anything, it does seem rather selfish on my part at times, to entertain it... like im letting people down or something

Hi Christy. Why wouldn't you go to a gender specialist and talk it over with a professional? Having a professional evaluation and diagnosis might be helpful for you to build resolve and come out to your mother and all other people in the world...

Generally, I don't think everyone needs a specialist, but in your case it seems like a good idea.


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Fear has stopped me as ive said, but I have found a Gender Therapist, im going to make an appointment with her

Here's my train of thought...

1) your mother seems to be understanding and supportive person. Yet you sound like you need her permission and approval (either to be gay, or transgender).

2) you are attracted to guys, yet not actually having any sexual relationships with any. You want to be accepted as a female, yet not sure if you can actually do it.

3) I think, when you aren't sure - it's best not to overload your close ones with your uncertainty. Work it out with a specialist, and come out when ready and certain. You already know your mother will support you in the end.

4) when coming out - don't seek permission or demand to be accepted right away. Inform your mother of the situation, your decision and what changes will likely to happen to you in the near future. You can ask to be supported in your new gender (by using your new name and proper pronouns), but also - you may give your money your mother some time to understand you are serious about the transition and the changes are actually happening. Eventually, when the whole world accepts you as a female, your mother will accept you too (maybe much sooner, but don't expect her to accept it before she sees the changes in you with her own eyes).



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She is and yes i do, i feel like im letting her down abit, and she isnt the easiest person to talk to about LGBT matters atleast ive always found that

yes

i kind of do, but theres always been that uncertainty that she wont........ which is why ive held back for so long i dont wanna lose her in my life

She knows im not the type of person to do things by half measures, or without knowing for sure 100%, but still ive given her some space on the whole subject of my sexuality, and now i dont know how to talk to her about it again which is 1 thing ill be talking with the therapist about

[Sephirah]

I believe this is a big reason why i havent done anything, it does seem rather selfish on my part at times, to entertain it... like im letting people down or something

I hear that a lot. And I don't agree with it one bit. We don't owe anyone the right to our life. To determine who, and how we should be. The thing is... these people you think you're letting down, they are themselves. They take for granted something we strive so hard for. To the point they don't even have to think about it. It's a non-issue. Everything they do in their lives comes from a place of knowing who they are and what they want. Something primal and basic about being human.

It is selfish, Christy. And it should be. It's finding your self. It's finding the one thing you can base the whole of your life and your interactions with everyone in it from. People who don't have to deal with this... they have that. Why shouldn't you? It's probably one of the most important things we can ever accept about ourselves because it's the foundation for everything else we ever do.

I would argue that you're letting them down more by allowing them to continue believing you're someone you're not. To base their image of you around that. To me it always felt not a whole lot different to saying you were someone else online, and allowing people to build their whole image of you around that. And then allowing them to keep believing that, even though you know it's not true.

Personally, I don't believe it's letting someone down to show them the real you. I believe it's better to base your relationship on a foundation of honesty. Of "This is really who I am." That way there are no illusions. You aren't letting other people live a lie, when you don't live one yourself.

I understand what you're saying, sweetie, I really do. And I would be lying if I said I hadn't felt like that myself at times. But when all is said and done, your life is your own. When you place others' wants and expectations above anything else then you start to live their lives, instead of your own. And you have to ask yourself if that's really what you want.

That's something only you can decide for yourself.

*hugs*

[Christy Lee]

I hear that a lot. And I don't agree with it one bit. We don't owe anyone the right to our life. To determine who, and how we should be. The thing is... these people you think you're letting down, they are themselves. They take for granted something we strive so hard for. To the point they don't even have to think about it. It's a non-issue. Everything they do in their lives comes from a place of knowing who they are and what they want. Something primal and basic about being human.

It is selfish, Christy. And it should be. It's finding your self. It's finding the one thing you can base the whole of your life and your interactions with everyone in it from. People who don't have to deal with this... they have that. Why shouldn't you? It's probably one of the most important things we can ever accept about ourselves because it's the foundation for everything else we ever do.

I would argue that you're letting them down more by allowing them to continue believing you're someone you're not. To base their image of you around that. To me it always felt not a whole lot different to saying you were someone else online, and allowing people to build their whole image of you around that. And then allowing them to keep believing that, even though you know it's not true.

Personally, I don't believe it's letting someone down to show them the real you. I believe it's better to base your relationship on a foundation of honesty. Of "This is really who I am." That way there are no illusions. You aren't letting other people live a lie, when you don't live one yourself.

I understand what you're saying, sweetie, I really do. And I would be lying if I said I hadn't felt like that myself at times. But when all is said and done, your life is your own. When you place others' wants and expectations above anything else then you start to live their lives, instead of your own. And you have to ask yourself if that's really what you want.

That's something only you can decide for yourself.

*hugs*

Yeah ive always thought that, and ive always wondered why i was born this way, i would be a completely different person now if maybe i wasnt trans, and knew for sure oh yep im a CIS guy, i meant to marry a girl, settle down have kids, be the man, the husband, the father... etc that just never felt like me as hard as ive tried to make it so....

Again i feel like maybe i wouldnt be someone who has weight trouble, who still lives at home, who has no friends, who is unemployed and directionless in life, almost afraid to push the button on anything because it means i may have to deal wiwth this sh!t and have no more excuses, like as painful as my life as been other then being trans, and wanting to be female, i feel like that has helped me in not dealing with this issue, ive used it as an excuse not too actually and i know it, of all the sexuality questioning and all the gender questioning through all my painful years... it helped to have other more painful sh!t in my life  so to not have to deal with this issue, and now life has settled down again for me atm, and im like woah i like boys? am i trans? really? i let the sh!t going on around me to the point of almost total disconnection, now im trying to pick up the pieces and i feel like this is a barrier in doing that also now, because it was like the 1 constant thing in my life through all that worse crap going on

Ive never really thought about that, i guess it was cus i was so busy just hating being a guy (and whats expected from being born as a male), and not letting myself think about femininity and what that means to me....

I have been doing that for along time now TBH, being so disconnect from myself, it was easier just to become that

*hugs*

[Sephirah]

Yeah ive always thought that, and ive always wondered why i was born this way, i would be a completely different person now if maybe i wasnt trans, and knew for sure oh yep im a CIS guy, i meant to marry a girl, settle down have kids, be the man, the husband, the father... etc that just never felt like me as hard as ive tried to make it so....

Maybe you would, Christy. Maybe we all would. It's one of those things I guess we all think about from time to time. The life we could have had, or wish we did have. Thinking about the spot in the forest with two paths, and we walked one of them. There's always that wondering what may have been down the other one.

But I tend to think of it like this - who you are is who you are. And that other path would have led to someone else. No more you than the vestiges of who you're trying to break free from now. I think there comes a time where the best thing to do is embrace the life we have, and who we are. To live in the moment, you know? Not the past, and maybe not even the future. To make the most of the spark of sentience inside us.

Again i feel like maybe i wouldnt be someone who has weight trouble, who still lives at home, who has no friends, who is unemployed and directionless in life, almost afraid to push the button on anything because it means i may have to deal wiwth this sh!t and have no more excuses, like as painful as my life as been other then being trans, and wanting to be female, i feel like that has helped me in not dealing with this issue, ive used it as an excuse not too actually and i know it, of all the sexuality questioning and all the gender questioning through all my painful years... it helped to have other more painful sh!t in my life  so to not have to deal with this issue, and now life has settled down again for me atm, and im like woah i like boys? am i trans? really? i let the sh!t going on around me to the point of almost total disconnection, now im trying to pick up the pieces and i feel like this is a barrier in doing that also now, because it was like the 1 constant thing in my life through all that worse crap going on

Ive never really thought about that, i guess it was cus i was so busy just hating being a guy (and whats expected from being born as a male), and not letting myself think about femininity and what that means to me....

I have been doing that for along time now TBH, being so disconnect from myself, it was easier just to become that

*hugs*

Sweetie, you have the rest of your life ahead of you. That's a long time to make things how you want them to be. I know how it feels to not care about your life. For a long time I was the same. I didn't care what happened to me because it always felt like it was happening to someone else. So nothing mattered. I had no ambition to do anything because it all felt fake. That everything I did was contributing to a life which never felt like mine. It felt like every experience and every interaction was filtered through something, and skewed, so I never really felt any connection to it. And worse, it felt like actually moving forward was reinforcing a life I didn't want.

Trust me I know how you feel, Christy. How it feels to be totally disconnected from yourself. It's like... you have a toothache so bad that you inject yourself with Novocain to numb the pain, but it numbs everything. It numbs your soul. And you forget how to feel, how to live. You know it's not right, but you're so scared of the pain that you never want the numbness to wear off.

It doesn't have to be like that, sweetie. And I think you're starting to see that. It's not too late to have the life you want, and the life you deserve. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that trying to escape a life you don't want to live isn't the best way. You really just have to let go of it. Let go of the pain, and the image of a person you never wanted to live up to. Let go of the "what if's" and the "could have's" and just acknowledge yourself. Accept yourself. Whoever that is. In doing that you can focus on the life you want. And start to change things for the better. For you and those around you.

You can do it, Christy. I believe in you.

[KathyLauren]

Christie, you can drive yourself crazy with the "What if?" game.  My mother used to say, "If my grandmother had wheels, she'd be a bus," meaning that you can "what if" all kinds of crazy stuff that has nothing to do with reality.  It makes no more sense to "what if" about not being trans than it does to "what if" about having wheels and being a bus.

You are who you are today.  Your history is what it is, but you are not tied to it.  Start where you are and build on that.  As soon as I stopped denying that I was trans and started actively doing something about it, my life got 1000% better.

[Christy Lee]

Sweetie, you have the rest of your life ahead of you. That's a long time to make things how you want them to be. I know how it feels to not care about your life. For a long time I was the same. I didn't care what happened to me because it always felt like it was happening to someone else. So nothing mattered. I had no ambition to do anything because it all felt fake. That everything I did was contributing to a life which never felt like mine. It felt like every experience and every interaction was filtered through something, and skewed, so I never really felt any connection to it. And worse, it felt like actually moving forward was reinforcing a life I didn't want.

Trust me I know how you feel, Christy. How it feels to be totally disconnected from yourself. It's like... you have a toothache so bad that you inject yourself with Novocain to numb the pain, but it numbs everything. It numbs your soul. And you forget how to feel, how to live. You know it's not right, but you're so scared of the pain that you never want the numbness to wear off.

It feels that way for me right now, like anything i do is going to affect Christopher (the name i was born with), add more to his persona... i dont want that, it feels wrong, anything i think about when it comes to my future as Christopher just feels wrong, the only thing that feels right is becoming Christy, but thats something i have fought against my entire life, and im starting to wish that i didnt do that, and just went with it

I've always liked to think of it more like a war, between my male side and my female side, that is why even my skin just feels wrong, up until now my male voice has been the stronger, but im starting to realize, if i do nothing... nothing will change

Maybe you would, Christy. Maybe we all would. It's one of those things I guess we all think about from time to time. The life we could have had, or wish we did have. Thinking about the spot in the forest with two paths, and we walked one of them. There's always that wondering what may have been down the other one.

But I tend to think of it like this - who you are is who you are. And that other path would have led to someone else. No more you than the vestiges of who you're trying to break free from now. I think there comes a time where the best thing to do is embrace the life we have, and who we are. To live in the moment, you know? Not the past, and maybe not even the future. To make the most of the spark of sentience inside us.

People are always telling me to live in the moment mum especially she knows that i dwell on the Past/Future, she doesnt know why, and thats what i think when she tells me, you dont know why id rather live in the past or think only about the future rather than have anything to do with the present

It doesn't have to be like that, sweetie. And I think you're starting to see that. It's not too late to have the life you want, and the life you deserve. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that trying to escape a life you don't want to live isn't the best way. You really just have to let go of it. Let go of the pain, and the image of a person you never wanted to live up to. Let go of the "what if's" and the "could have's" and just acknowledge yourself. Accept yourself. Whoever that is. In doing that you can focus on the life you want. And start to change things for the better. For you and those around you.

You can do it, Christy. I believe in you.

I am working on it,  its hard having had the urge to hide myself for so long,

Christie, you can drive yourself crazy with the "What if?" game.  My mother used to say, "If my grandmother had wheels, she'd be a bus," meaning that you can "what if" all kinds of crazy stuff that has nothing to do with reality.  It makes no more sense to "what if" about not being trans than it does to "what if" about having wheels and being a bus.

You are who you are today.  Your history is what it is, but you are not tied to it.  Start where you are and build on that.  As soon as I stopped denying that I was trans and started actively doing something about it, my life got 1000% better.

I like that saying

AND I have driven myself crazy

[Christy Lee]

I did something yesterday, it was soo weird for me

1) firstly, im Agnostic so ive never really prayed much in my life
2) Secondly, ive never felt Dysphoria this deeply before

But yesterday, i sent a prayer into the universe, i stood infront of a mirror, and i prayed that i would let myself become a woman, or as 100% female as i can become, which i thought about GCS, FFS, HRT, it something i never thought that deeply about, its always just been I Want to be FEMALE, but to actually  stand infront of a mirror and pray for it? thats ive just never done that..... not to acknowledge it that much, and just think about it as much as that, i also vowed to try and let go of my masculinity and manhood as much as possible i thought ive been rejecting her for so long, maybe i should start rejecting him?

I think this time i may actually do it... im going to start seeing a gender therapist sooon

I think ive  always been afraid to explore it, because of how obsessed i knew i would become about it atm im pretty obsessed with it anyway, lately ive been looking at videos of Trans Woman who are going through HRT, or have had FFS/GCS and the more i see it i think maybe the more i want it, there is still doubt but i feel less uncertain 

[Christy Lee]

Warning long post ahead, sorry

I wrote a letter to myself

Face Dysphoria (ie not feminine enough)
Neck Dysphoria "                                 "
Hair Dysphoria "                                  "
Voice Dyshporia "                                 "
Touch

Sexuality Difficulties, ie The fact that it doesnt seem right as a man, ie having a penis, making it hard to determine my sexuality properly

whats expected of being a man, ie i never wanted to be a husband or father, the man in general

ive always felt like maybe i should have been born female and maybe the universe misgendered me

ive always tried to deny these feelings, ignore them, hide away from them but still they persist, as much as ive tried they just come back its always "i want to be female" ive tried so hard not to feel this way, ive tried ignoring it, ive tried hiding from it ive just tried so hard not to feel this way whatever i do it doesnt seem to make any difference, eventually it comes back, and just wont go a way

Its time to admit what i feel soo deeply inside, that i am female, on the inside i was born female, ive never felt anything more so deeply in my life, except for the fear of that ofcourse

The only time i dont think about it is when lots of bad stuff is going on around me, but in away liked that, because it meant i didnt because it meant that i didnt have to deal with these feelings of gender dysphoria yes it meant not living my life, but i hated being a boy soo much that id rather not live it, (nothing suicidal, just gave up)

I want to be female so bad, so bad, sooo badd, ever since i was a teenager, i dont want to be transgender, but i want to be a girl more

what has stopped me

Myself, my fears
shame
it feels stupid to feel this way, it also feels like i shouldnt feel this way
the no you cant do that you wont like it, you still wont be happy, voice of uncertainty
Toxicitiy in the house i grew up in
Afraid of Toxic people i lived with would conspire to get me kicked out off home because they wont accept it or try to talk me out of it
Am i making this up? is this for real?
losing loved ones (them dying)
dissapointing you, (mum, and maybe myself idk)
seeing the operations and what's involved in becoming female
not feeling trans enough
not wanting to look trans ie wanting to look as female as possible
too vanilla, ie Asexual
dont get too close to anyone, what if they find out your trans?
i hate being misgendered, and being looked at like a freak, even in boy mode its like that for me
Your not a cross dresser, even tho dressing as female feels great, but also a little wrong
Confusion about Sexuality
Sometimes when times are tough, it feels ok to be a guy, sometimes 
i thought i was gay for awhile.... im not gay, im trans i now realize,
Sometimes i like men, sometimes i like women, but i dont really feel Bisexual, maybe im pansexual? no your just a normal guy STOP IT


These are the sort of thoughts that have popped into my head reguarding the possibility of me being trans since i was a teenager, just alot of stuff that ive kept inside it felt good to write down in a letter to myself

[Sephirah]

Christy, that's a huge step you've taken. You should be really proud of yourself, sweetie.

Aside from the fact that it's often better to give things the light of day, just to stop them festering inside us, it also lets us examine and question them. Understanding the way we feel is the first step in dealing with it.

Keep going, hon. You're doing really great. Looking at yourself can be hard. Very hard.

I believe in you.

*extra big hug*

[Christy Lee]

Christy, that's a huge step you've taken. You should be really proud of yourself, sweetie.

Aside from the fact that it's often better to give things the light of day, just to stop them festering inside us, it also lets us examine and question them. Understanding the way we feel is the first step in dealing with it.

Keep going, hon. You're doing really great. Looking at yourself can be hard. Very hard.

I believe in you.

*extra big hug*

Thank you , it still feels surreal like im still trying to fight against it sometimes

[Christy Lee]

So over the last couple of days, ive been saying out loud just to myself alot of things ive been thinking about for years, when it comes to being Transgender and how i want to be a girl

i said out loud

I want to be girl
im transgender
i can try to hide it, i can try to deny it, i can try to fight it but still it all comes back to... i want to be a girl, i just cant escape from that, Through all the bad years its thoughts of wanting to be female in my head, living with narcissistic woman (family) i still think i want to be a girl, planning for the future now its i want to be a girl
If being Transgender was more socially acceptable, and the procedures were easier ie not so terrifying to me, i would have done it years ago
IM Transgender


Now last year, in trying not to think about it like that, i thought i was gay and tried to come out to myself as gay but it felt kind of forced... and didnt feel quite right and i think when i came out to mum about this prior to  it she didnt believe me, and said im not gay i didnt want to admit it cus i was kinda scared about being trans

But this year in 2018 to admit to myself outloud several times that im trans.... it didnt feel forced, it just felt right i guess.. idk still abit awkward but my words didnt feel forced which felt much better then when i tried to come out to myself as gay (ie liking men)

As a result of that ive been thinking about maybe been thinking what if i could find a girl who would accept me as trans? how would that go? ive always sort of felt like ive closed myself of from that because when i think about being embraced by a guy in a girly manner it makes me feel so feminine and ive always liked that which i think is why ive been so closed off from the prospect of dating woman....

[Christy Lee]

Totally understand how you're feeling.  I'm not turned on by guys, or at least not so far.  Part of me thinks I'm nuts in that I prefer woman yet am one?

And as far as finding someone special after I go through this, who knows.

I am sometimes turned on by guys, but havent liked the idea of being with a woman (dyshporia....), but sometimes the idea of being with a guy doesnt feel right either... its been very confusing trying to work things out....

hence why i have been Asexual

I actually really havent even thought much about dating or finding special someone, whenever i try to do that either dysphoria kicks or loneliness kicks and i feel like it wont happen for me until i do this, sometimes i feel like it wont happen for me even if i do this........

[Christy Lee]

I have been thinking about alot since this last post

- how i have depersonalized, derealized my gender dysphoria, because i grew up in a somewhat hostile household, ie Narcissists, my father also made things difficult i think with this, this is also why i find it hard to come out to my mother,  and maybe i feel like i need her approval or something and also move foward

- trying to get more use to the idea that feeling like a woman, or not feeling like like a guy/not wanting to be a guy means that i am transgender woman, and i have wasted so much time fighting against it since i was a teenager, but again it was never really a safe time for me

- Trans Woman are woman, something i guess i was trying not to understand, because of internalized Transphobia and shame of myself always feeling more like a woman then a man

- ive been watching videos of Trans Woman youtubers like Corey Bilous, Stef Sanjatti, Jae Noel etc.... which has also been kinda helpful

- ive been thinking about my hair alot, something ive never cared about before but i guess ive been trying to make it look more feminine,

ive been casually thinking about fashion a little bit, which is something i never cared for when it came to mens clothing

- really considering starting transitioning fairly soon, ive also been thinking about what my transition thread would be called LOLLLL, i feel very strongly about The Christy Diaries

- ive been considering dropping or changing my middle name it has always felt right but ive never actually thought about coming out, and living authentically, the more i think about that the less my middle name makes sense i guess idk

- Thinking how last year i gave up on life, and now that i know what that feels like, i want to try really living my life as Authentically as i can? but its almost like idk how, can i handle all that is required? i just know i cant do what im doing now anymore

its been a very emotional couple of weeks, but i do feel like im really starting to accept myself as a woman,  i still find it very scary to transition and that may just be the one thing stopping me now? idk

[Cassi]

Being scare or anxious is part of the adventure.

[Sephirah]

- really considering starting transitioning fairly soon, ive also been thinking about what my transition thread would be called LOLLLL, i feel very strongly about The Christy Diaries

The Christy Chronicles might be better.

Sweetie, no one knows how to live. All any of us know is that we do. In whatever way we feel is right. We do what we need to do to get through. To try and be happy. It's a feeling more than a thought. Wisdom more than knowledge.

Can you handle it? Yes, I believe you can. I believe in you. *big hugs*