The few bad Christmas gift stories I have are sad, not funny, so indulge me as I tell a bad birthday gift story instead.
Two weeks prior to my birthday three and a half years ago I came out to Randi, my wife. Obviously a very emotional time and even now we haven't quite recovered. Randi, our friend, and the friend's husband planned to celebrate my birthday as the four of us were want to do.
When I opened up their gift, which she proudly said she had picked out, it was a fleshlight. (Look it up.)
All I could think was, "what the heck am I supposed to do with this?"
The spy who came in from the cold in the War Between the Sexes.