being told "you are so brave"

[Nikita]

Something about it never felt quite right, and the more I hear it the less I like it.  People have kind intentions and want to say something positive and supportive, ok that's great, thanks.  There is an unintentionally negative implicit side to it that is disturbing.  In a sense, they are just handing you their own fears instead of welcoming you with real acceptance.  This is not to fault people for trying to say the right thing, they are sincerely trying to give something positive, but it just doesn't feel right when I hear it.  I don't let it bother me, but it seems to imply that there is something inherently wrong. 

I would like to hear what others here think and feel about it when they come out and a well meaning friend says "oh you're so brave".  Is it a mixed double edge for you or what?   

[Margaret_B]

Something about it never felt quite right, and the more I hear it the less I like it.  People have kind intentions and want to say something positive and supportive, ok that's great, thanks.  There is an unintentionally negative implicit side to it that is disturbing.  In a sense, they are just handing you their own fears instead of welcoming you with real acceptance.  This is not to fault people for trying to say the right thing, they are sincerely trying to give something positive, but it just doesn't feel right when I hear it.  I don't let it bother me, but it seems to imply that there is something inherently wrong. 

I would like to hear what others here think and feel about it when they come out and a well meaning friend says "oh you're so brave".  Is it a mixed double edge for you or what?

There are far worse things that could be said. I use to get annoyed when people would say oh you are so brave for doing this! I would simile and say no, not brave just what needed to be done to save my life, so it was pretty self motivated. Now I see their point, change is something human beings don't embrace so radially and transition or stopping a life long charade is a MAJOR change. So now I take it for what it is a compliment of not fearing change and being true to myself. I had a friend ask why I took so long to stop living a fraudulent life? My response was this - I was responsible for the well being of my loved ones and my employees... When I reached the point I wanted to inject 240 grains of lead something needed to change. Take acceptance when it come, there are plenty of people who will hate you because you don't fit in their neat little cube on a shelf.   

[rmaddy]

Yeah, that one bothers me too.  Another one of my favorites is "Well, at least you're happy now." 

In both cases, others are painting emotions on my experience in order to make themselves feel more comfortable.  It may or may not reflect how I actually feel at the time.

[Cindy]

It is one expression I loathe.

I hate it about being transgender.
I hate it about having cancer
I hate it about it looking after my wife

It is an expression used by the ignorant who have never stopped to think.

It really annoys me.

<Cough
In case you haven't noticed!>

[KathyLauren]

I agree it's not the most supportive thing a person could say.  But it doesn't bother me too much, because:  (1) They mean well and are attempting to express non-hostility and admiration, and (2) Yes I am, dammit!

Yes, I get the negative implications.  But that's about them: their lack of courage, their implicit acceptance of society's norms, their internalized transphobia.  I don't have to accept any of that, because that's their stuff.

It's just one of those clueless, clumsy things that people mumble when they don't know what to say.  I am enjoying a great ride here, so I'll cut them some slack and not jump down their throat when they are trying to be accepting.

[Megan.]

My clinician at the gender clinic said that when people say it,  what they really mean is aren't THEY brave for being so accepting and open minded,  I think this is the reality.

But I still give then chips for effort! Lol

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[Faith]

I feel the same, not that I hate it, but that the phrase is about them. We are brave compared to them in that they cannot shake off the norm to embrace themselves. Their inability to comprehend or move forward makes others look brave.

I've yet to be in a situation where I hear it. I'll try to update should that occur.

[Allison S]

I accept it because I am brave. Lol like today my nails are very messy, I didn't shave and I already got my first sir this morning. But I'm still sitting here, not really caring anymore

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[Devlyn]

Wow. Looking for acceptance from someone but not accepting what is surely meant as a heartfelt compliment...good luck with that approach.

I hear it from people and interpret it as meaning they are impressed that you are handling an issue of this caliber so well. But that's just me. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Megan.]

I normally feel embarrassed and unworthy of the compliment is the reality.

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[Julia1996]

I don't really hate it that much. I've only been told that a couple of times. When someone makes a bone headed comment  about me being trans, unless I know they meant it as an insult I can let it slide. Another one that annoys me is, " I would never have known you're/ you were a guy."  Yes it's a stupid and insulting comment but people are stupid and ignorant about transpeople and what's appropriate to say to them. People generally mean that as a compliment.  They also don't understand that transitioning isn't brave, it's life saving. But from a CIS persons point of view, trans people just woke up one morning and " decided" to transition. They think it's brave because they don't really understand that being trans isn't a choice. To them transition is scary. It's scary for us too but we have no choice. They can't comprehend that we totally have no other choice so to them it's a scary thing we choose to do. Kind of like someone choosing to do a scary dangerous stunt like jumping over cars on a motorcycle.

Knowing how ignorant people are, unless it's a real insult, I take most stupid things they say as a compliment, though idiotic it might be. People have made dumb comments to me about my albinism too that they meant as a kind of compliment.

[Denise]

Actually I like the recognition.  I didn't transition for 50 years because I was scared. I finally got up the courage to be myself.

The one that bothered me was "congratulations".  What did I hit the lottery?

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[Artesia]

Depending on my mode, I take it as a compliment, or I say something back along the lines of "It's not bravery, it's exhaustion.  I just couldn't live with myself anymore."  Then I would continue with some self degrading observations about the person I used to be, as compared to the me now.  Sometimes, people leave me looking as if I just opened a new world of thinking, and others just look more confused.

[Charlie Nicki]

Wow. Looking for acceptance from someone but not accepting what is surely meant as a heartfelt compliment...good luck with that approach.

I hear it from people and interpret it as meaning they are impressed that you are handling an issue of this caliber so well. But that's just me. 

Hugs, Devlyn

I absolutely agree. It means they recognize how difficult this is to do even if they don't go through it themselves. I usually thank them and then tell them that I'm not that brave since I'm actually scared of it half the time lol.

[Jessica]

While I feel the comment is in the eye of the beholder, it's one that many turn to because they don't know what to say.  If they are close to you, I would expect many other comments amongst that one, which would be given out of love.  Fear, at a number of levels, are in play in everyone's mind day to day.  They base their thoughts with the norms that keep their lives going.
Expect comments that seem to be a cop out and build a conversation on it rather than feeling bad.  Communication brings education.

Hugs, Jessica 💁‍♀️

[Allison S]

I absolutely agree. It means they recognize how difficult this is to do even if they don't go through it themselves. I usually thank them and then tell them that I'm not that brave since I'm actually scared of it half the time lol.

Thats what I told my closest friend. I'm scared of what's ahead but even more so of the alternatives. If I give up now on the track I'm on it really is life or death. Very scary!

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[rmaddy]

Wow. Looking for acceptance from someone but not accepting what is surely meant as a heartfelt compliment...good luck with that approach.

I hear it from people and interpret it as meaning they are impressed that you are handling an issue of this caliber so well. But that's just me. 

Hugs, Devlyn

I don't advocate throwing the "compliment" back in their face or arguing about with them.  I usually just say, "Thank you."  That said, there is nothing wrong with recognizing that the person in question has no clue about either my tendency towards valor or my emotional state, and that they are more likely fumbling for something to say that eases their own discomfort.  Strangers say, "I'm glad you're so brave/happy."  Friends say, "How are you?"

[FreyaG]

I think we should give ourselves more credit.  Basically brave people are the last ones to see themselves as brave.  Read what war heroes have to say and it's basically just different versions of aw shucks.  Lots of people are stuck in relationships and situations and don't do what we do.  Go to a TDOR vigil and tell me were not brave.  God, we get killed just for existing.

My go to person, my best cis girlfriend, my call me anytime, text me anytime person, told me I was the bravest person she knows.  Well she's the best most wonderful and wise woman in the world, and if she thinks I'm brave, then I am.  End of story.

[Jessica]

I think we should give ourselves more credit.  Basically brave people are the last ones to see themselves as brave.  Read what war heroes have to say and it's basically just different versions of aw shucks.  Lots of people are stuck in relationships and situations and don't do what we do.  Go to a TDOR vigil and tell me were not brave.  God, we get killed just for existing.

My go to person, my best cis girlfriend, my call me anytime, text me anytime person, told me I was the bravest person she knows.  Well she's the best most wonderful and wise woman in the world, and if she thinks I'm brave, then I am.  End of story.

Freya I do believe we all are brave.  Even with clear thinking certainty, this is a scary endeavor.

[Jailyn]

Nikita I can see that for sure. I feel it a double edge sword. I never know how to respond to it. I get their meaning but, it's just like "I am trying to be myself, not trying to be brave or anything." I mean if being myself is brave sure I'll take it.