Existing is tougher today...

[Cheaney]

Having a rough one today. Luckily I don't have to deal with this at work because I work in a school and we're out for break.

Just seems like every step I take that's positive, I get negative reigning down on me. I know this as a journey/process but that's how I'm feeling today. Every time I try to snap out of it and do something positive(like writing my coming out letter or getting ready to go back to school to get my degree), I just get super depressed and think how useless and how doomed it is for me. And then my brain just runs with that and I think that way about everything. Transitioning. Being trans. Never being passable. Being too passable and losing my wife. Losing my family. Being unemployable. Not moving to Florida which has been a goal for my wife and me since we've been together.

Just a terrible day that I hope to get over asap. Sorry for the rant. Tomorrow's another day I pray.


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[Laurie]

Hi Vicki,

  No problem with feeling a bit down. I think we all go through periods like that. Some last longer and others are over almost as fast as they come. The key is to let them go and get past them. I know sometimes that just isn't easy and they get you down for a bit. But they do pass eventually.
  Now don't you have a letter to write?

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Cheaney]

Thanks Laurie! I certainly do. Planning on coming out to my wife's parents before the end of January. And maybe even my family if I get more courage.


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[rmaddy]

Fear of loss is really a tough one.  There are almost always some losses at first, and it's not always obvious where they will stop until some time passes.  It's easy to get sucked into a feeling of impending doom.

But tomorrow is another day.  Specifically, it is 24 hours long, you will sleep through a third of it, and during the rest of the time there are a ton of things that you must or at least can do.  When things are looking a little grim, settle into the present moment and just keep moving. Short term goals can be an excellent antidote to fear.

I hope your losses are minimal in the long run.  Try not to grieve losses that have not yet happened.  Deal with the rest as well as you can.  Find support wherever you can.

[HappyMoni]

Going through a lot of my transition already, I came to know the roller coaster intimately. It is the nature of transition I think. I let myself feel bad when I needed to,  but I tried whenever possible to limit the time that I would mope. I was terrible at this to start with but got better as time went by. It is a difficult thing to go through, but the payoff was worth it. Never give up on the real you.
Moni

[Cheaney]

Thanks Maddy for the response. I try to stay in the present(and positive) in everything I do but today it just wasn't happening. And then self doubt and depression really kick in. Thank you for the advice on short term goals and just trying to stay busy and finding support. I'm finding that I'm going to need to lean on this community here at Susan's because I'm not going to find it around me. This really is a great community here that is really here for people if one allows it to be there. Admittedly that's not always a strong suit of mine.

Thank you Moni for the encouragement! I've come far enough now and had just enough glimpses to know that I'm never giving up the real me!
The roller coaster analogy was good! I was thinking about it being like surfing. Those big bad waves are coming whether I like them or not. Do I sit around and let them crash over me? Or do I get up and say I'm riding this ish!? Sure there are going to be days where I sit out as long as I'm right back up as soon as possible ridin them waves.

Vicki/Cheaney

PS is there a way to get a name change? My wife and I settled on Cheaney(Chain-e for pronunciation purposes lol) for me and I'd like for my user name to reflect that.




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[LizK]

Having a rough one today. Luckily I don't have to deal with this at work because I work in a school and we're out for break.

Just seems like every step I take that's positive, I get negative reigning down on me. I know this as a journey/process but that's how I'm feeling today. Every time I try to snap out of it and do something positive(like writing my coming out letter or getting ready to go back to school to get my degree), I just get super depressed and think how useless and how doomed it is for me. And then my brain just runs with that and I think that way about everything. Transitioning. Being trans. Never being passable. Being too passable and losing my wife. Losing my family. Being unemployable. Not moving to Florida which has been a goal for my wife and me since we've been together.

Just a terrible day that I hope to get over asap. Sorry for the rant. Tomorrow's another day I pray.


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I have a friend here who is prone to similar ways of thinking and she calls it "going down the rabbit hole".  Which is simply another way of saying yours thoughts are disappearing into a dysphoric mess. I can relate and from time to time I still do it now. Certainly not as often as I did.

I watch for the thoughts that trigger all these horrible things, I keep positive reinforcements around me when I can. I have a number of picture frames with different inspirational sayings on cards in them. Most days they get ignored but every now and then I will actually read one when I am feeling bad and it can help stop that spiral of thinking.

Rants are good for the soul !!! 

[Kenzie4realz]

Having a rough one today. Luckily I don't have to deal with this at work because I work in a school and we're out for break.

Just seems like every step I take that's positive, I get negative reigning down on me. I know this as a journey/process but that's how I'm feeling today. Every time I try to snap out of it and do something positive(like writing my coming out letter or getting ready to go back to school to get my degree), I just get super depressed and think how useless and how doomed it is for me. And then my brain just runs with that and I think that way about everything. Transitioning. Being trans. Never being passable. Being too passable and losing my wife. Losing my family. Being unemployable. Not moving to Florida which has been a goal for my wife and me since we've been together.

Just a terrible day that I hope to get over asap. Sorry for the rant. Tomorrow's another day I pray.


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The good thing about craptacular days are is its super easy to only go up from there. My first 6 months of hrt was exactly that...

Everyday was another smashing in my face. There's a certain amount of retraining you're brain to allow more poo to just roll off. I'm not certain were you are in you're journey. It does sound like you've made progress in identifying the triggers that can put you in a tailspin. I can't stress support structure enough..

Without Good support you're certainly gonna have a much tougher time. Its these primo excremental days when we absolutely need to reach out to our peeps for help. Don't be so hard on yourself, give yourself credit for the milestones you've accomplished. One day at a time. Hang in there Vicki it does get better... [emoji39]

                                  Best wishes
                                     [emoji259][emoji175][emoji259]
                                      Kenzie


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[Cheaney]

I have a friend here who is prone to similar ways of thinking and she calls it "going down the rabbit hole".  Which is simply another way of saying yours thoughts are disappearing into a dysphoric mess. I can relate and from time to time I still do it now. Certainly not as often as I did.

I watch for the thoughts that trigger all these horrible things, I keep positive reinforcements around me when I can. I have a number of picture frames with different inspirational sayings on cards in them. Most days they get ignored but every now and then I will actually read one when I am feeling bad and it can help stop that spiral of thinking.

Rants are good for the soul !!!  [emoji1]

Thank you Liz! Normally I can watch an inspirational video or listen to a song and I'll be ok. But it just felt like everything fell on top of me. Good news is I wasn't in that super dark place the whole day but it was probably 3/4 of it.

Cheaney

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[Cheaney]

The good thing about craptacular days are is its super easy to only go up from there. My first 6 months of hrt was exactly that...

Everyday was another smashing in my face. There's a certain amount of retraining you're brain to allow more poo to just roll off. I'm not certain were you are in you're journey. It does sound like you've made progress in identifying the triggers that can put you in a tailspin. I can't stress support structure enough..

Without Good support you're certainly gonna have a much tougher time. Its these primo excremental days when we absolutely need to reach out to our peeps for help. Don't be so hard on yourself, give yourself credit for the milestones you've accomplished. One day at a time. Hang in there Vicki it does get better... [emoji39]

                                  Best wishes
                                     [emoji259][emoji175][emoji259]
                                      Kenzie


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Thank you Kenzie!

That's interesting talking about hrt. I'm pre everything right now. I'm 31 and first admitted I was trans to myself in June. All I keep thinking is that I won't have these thoughts/days when I get hrt. There is a trans specific program in my state that I just got on the waiting list for. The problem is I won't get seen until April/May.

Cheaney

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[KathyLauren]

PS is there a way to get a name change? My wife and I settled on Cheaney(Chain-e for pronunciation purposes lol) for me and I'd like for my user name to reflect that.

There is a thread about that: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,199911.0.html.  It looks like you post there and/or ask a moderator and they can change your username for you.

[Cheaney]

Thanks Kathy!


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[Laurie]

Hi Cheaney,

  Kathy was correct in her name change recommendations. That thread she gave is the preferred way to do it as it keeps everything neat and in one place.

BUT...

  I am a mod and I did see your request and I can get that change going for you. First let me give you some information about changing your name.

The first thing we need from you is for you to verify your email address is correct.
Name changes occur in 2 parts.

1. The first is that you will see is that your display name is changed.
2. The second part involves a change of name to your account. When this has been done, you will receive a reactivation request via email as part of the name change process. If you fail to respond to the request, you will be locked out of your account. After you respond to the request, you will use your new name as your login.

Members are permitted a max of 2 screen name changes a year (mods and admins are not limited to this, though none of us are that name change happy). If you find a name inappropriate in any way, you can choose not to grant it.

You can PM me or respond here after verifying your email to let me know and I will start that ball rolling. Also jot down my email address just in case you have a problem.

Hugs,
   Laurie
Global Moderator
Laurie@susans.org

[Cheaney]

PMs sent. Hehe


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[Laurie]

Changes made, He He Heee