Never will do the change ever

[Larisa]

Im never doing the change ever. Im just trying to find a way to make the pain feel way less. Many days I feel okay. The last days have been kind of hard but I make it through.

Sadly my therapist had to change his time yesterday so I see him this tuesday instead.

Ive got somethings that I know will help me and make the dysphoria go way less and Ill be happy to try them. Most days Im fine but those days where Im not are harder but doing the change is not whats gonna help. That's not gonna make me happy.

[Allison S]

I can respect that. I know for a looong time I always thought it was my mind I needed to work on and fix. I figured if I could just believe other peoples views on gender are ignorant and I KNOW who I am then that's all that matters. For me what changed was my heart felt feminine and I aways believed I could live my life knowing this for myself. No one else would ever need to know how I felt inside. Oh how I was wrong.

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[Jenny94]

Larisa honey, what do you mean by the change? Social transition? HRT? SRS? There's a lot of changes we can do as trans people, and we can do any combination of them.......But whichever change it is, why do you say it won't make you happy?

J xx

[Christy Lee]

Im not saying this will happen to you, but i too thought this, even tried ignoring it completely, i didnt even think of trying on girls clothes for years, when i came to this conclusion... however the nagging just gets to be too  much sometimes, i know at this point in my life, having had  a couple of experiences recently ive changed my views and i wish i had done it when i first started hearing the whispers.... instead of choosing to ignore them, i think my life would be better now however i understand why i chose to hide from it and ignore it, but for me its to a point now where i cant take it anymore....

[rmaddy]

Im never doing the change ever. Im just trying to find a way to make the pain feel way less. Many days I feel okay. The last days have been kind of hard but I make it through.

Sadly my therapist had to change his time yesterday so I see him this tuesday instead.

Ive got somethings that I know will help me and make the dysphoria go way less and Ill be happy to try them. Most days Im fine but those days where Im not are harder but doing the change is not whats gonna help. That's not gonna make me happy.

I don't know you, and I don't know what will make you happy.  I do know, however, that 10, 20, 30 years down the line you will change so drastically that it becomes hard to believe you were once the person making this post.  The manner in which you change isn't clear, and isn't even entirely up to you, but change you will.  And, your future self does not care at all about what your present self says it will never do.

Just a tip from the far side of 50.

[JoanneB]

I doubt I will ever do "The Change". Most days are OK, some days are bad. I wish I knew how to make my pain lessen, and then pass it on to you. Sadly, they are called "Bad Days" for a reason. I wish I knew what triggers these bad days. The only common thread is "To much quality time alone with my thoughts". I know it says a lot. Are the so-called "Good Days" just an outcome of my 3D's? (Diversions, Distractions, and Denial) Or, is it the reality of a live I desperately work at to keep ALL the conflicting needs and wants in balance? Some of the others I do cry over too. I wish I knew.

I do know that if the "Bad Days" are not the exception changes will be needed. Just as I made changes a few years ago when they were "The Norm". I know what I learned and discovered these past years has given me the strength to follow through on any decision I may need to make. I know I need to live a live that includes "Me" in it. The totality of me.

[Larisa]

Larisa honey, what do you mean by the change? Social transition? HRT? SRS? There's a lot of changes we can do as trans people, and we can do any combination of them.......But whichever change it is, why do you say it won't make you happy?

J xx

Hrt and srs. Im not looking to change. Im just looking to lower the pain that comes up badly every so often. There are ways that work that dont need hrt or srs or any such changes.

[Dena]

Occasionally we have people visit the site looking for a way to reduce the pain without transitioning, surgery or HRT. There are things that work in the short term but if you have something that will work long term, please share it with us. I need a solution I can share with these member and I currently don't have anything to offer.

[Allison S]

My last post doesn't make much sense reading it over lol but basically everyone is saying the same thing. To hold it in is soul crushing- it's only temporary to be able to keep it in check.

Maybe that's not what you want to hear but that's what I experienced. I don't think most people are as conflicted. Yes everyone has problems and depression/anxiety happens to a lot of people. But being so conflicted with ourselves and our gender identity. It's like being locked up.

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[gv2002]

Mine started at 8! Some days I thought I was going insane!  At 61 I recognize I'm a woman! That's what I am! That's what I will be one way or another! I'm dressing some where between for the benefit of my wife! Deep inside I'm still me/a woman! Will I have surgery to make it official?! I would if circumstances presented its self! I'm happy I found myself! I may be partly there! I'll just dress with as much feminine clothes as I can! It helps! I'll take baby steps! Actively working towards being the woman I want to be! The man that everyone knew was just a fake a facade of what I thought society expected me to be! I'm ripping it down one brick or a stack at a time! Learning to be a woman after this many years being a fake is challenging for me!
All I want in life is peace inside me! To be the best person I can be! I'm sending my love to you! Your not alone! Your experience my be different than mine! Be the best you can, don't hide from your self! Embrace who and what you are!
That little piece of advice and this site with the wonderful people that care would of help me 40+ years ago! We are givers not takers!
Forgive your self for who you are! You are who you are! A great person!


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[Denise]

My last post doesn't make much sense reading it over lol but basically everyone is saying the same thing. To hold it in is soul crushing- it's only temporary to be able to keep it in check.

Maybe that's not what you want to hear but that's what I experienced. I don't think most people are as conflicted. Yes everyone has problems and depression/anxiety happens to a lot of people. But being so conflicted with ourselves and our gender identity. It's like being locked up.

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We hear you or at least I do.  I knew my wife of 32 years, the mother of my children would never accept me.  There was no way in hell I was going to transition. Heck I wasn't even going to tell her.

The internal conflict I was facing started to come to the surface and nothing I could do stopped it. Two years later we're divorced and pretty good friends now.  If I didn't transition we would still be divorced and mortal enemies.

As Dena mentioned, if you find a solution do tell.

Denise
P.s. one possible solution (MTF) is possibly a very low dose of spironolactone.  Reducing the T might help.  But warning, there are side effects.

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[jamie-lee]

I can't say it will work for you, but coming out either as trans or just gender-non-conforming and being as feminine/masculine as you please, doing whatever you want and not limiting yourself to your assigned gender can do a lot of good.

I'm the boy here, so...  Anyway. Who said I can't do "masculine" sports if I want to? Who said I can't have a girlfriend and be the gentleman for her? Who said I can't dress or move the way that makes me feel good? Or make friends with men? The effect: a tomboy.

This is all that comes to my mind.