This is my plan and if this helps someone else, than great but this is what I have to do.
I find the pain goes down by helping other people doing good.
I know much of my dysphoria comes from anything sexual as I have said here before. I abstain or try to atleast. Ive actually been on another forum called nofap the past 8 or so months. They have been helpful in abstaining. Ive told my situation there. Some are friendly to it and some are not. Some dont know.
It's easy to abstain now but after abstaining for 3 weeks lets say, I have the buildup of t in my system to an excess since it's not converted to dht. Abstaining good for my hair, bad for me other ways. So this is where another problem comes in.
I have to figure out how to keep the excess of t out of me. I have done research on it. Ive got several things I bought.
One thing I took induced erectile dysfucntion in me for a day or so, lowered my interest in sexual things for about 4 or 5 days. I took VERY little. That's how low my t levels are and this was after 2 weeks of abstaining. So I have other ways to keep levels down.
I know when Im abstaining for a long while, the dysphoria goes down but than the excess of t after weeks causes me problems like depression almost like having more t in me causes me worse pain. I know keeping those levels at where they normally are is what is important.
If I can keep abstaining(much easier for me now) and keep the excess of t out of my system while abstaining, I would be fine.
The very thought of the change or as others call transition makes me uncomfortable for it's not where I would be okay at.
My body I only weight 155 to 160 and that's with a gut. If I got rid of that, Id weight around a 140 to 135. Ive been very lucky to have things like my arms and hands are shaped more female. I would hate for excess t to mess that up. Im lucky to have such low t and since it's natural, no one thinks anything of it.
I can get away with like my ponytail for example, people here where I live think nothing of it. To them it's like say the guys in korn with long hair.
As for Larisa, lets talk about that. When I pass one day, I will be happy to talk to god and jesus about what to do. I have some ideas of what could happen but I will never take my parents son away from them ever. Not happening! That's important to me.
I know what I have to do to be okay and Im doing it. My question still is why was born male and not female. A question Ive wondered even when I was little. I know there is a part of my brain that thinks female and other parts that think male like. As for that heaven part, Ive always wanted those 2 to be separated into 2 people one day that being in heaven. That is hope for me.
This is where Im at and much of where Ive been at for a long while now.
