Need a single place to collect my thoughts rather than posting lots of different topics.. Not expecting anyone to actualy read this btw
I wanted to go and get either some nail varnish or lipstick yesterday (Bering in mind that i have not got anything like this atm) its a sunday so shop tills dont open until 10 but shops will open up at 930 to get your stuff, got a few other things and walked towards the lady stuff.... walked past..... down again.... walked past.... whats the deal! im now laughing to myself in the shop down another isle. its pritty messed up when something stops you doing something, wasnt anyone i knew in there although people round here have a tendency to pop up at no notice but could feel other females eyes on me even though they blatantly wasn't. A guy walked past me ans smiled when i was walking the other way, was a guy to guy 'alright' kinda greeting but could imagine it like he was smiling to the real me. Anyway grabbed some cotton wool pad things and got the hell out of there.
New years eve last night and i was thinking i need to come out to my wife, perfect opportunity, bit of booze and she was't in a mood. Thought well its now or never..... i took the never option, put me on a downer at 1130 when i realised i havent got the balls to talk about it.
Now labels, sometimes i hate these others im interested to how's best to describe myself, i mean how do you tell a cis person, what words to use. Am i a trans-woman or maybe trans-femme? I cant trust my brain as it has kept this a secret from me for 35 years so need to rely on thoughts and facts now. I mean i know im on the girl side of the spectrum but where? in the middle of that or right at the end? could i be happy as trans-femme and transition in some way? or as trans-femme and not transition at all? or is it trans-woman and its all the way baby! All i know is that i dont want to me a freak in society, theres the best intention to find yourself and be true to you but at the end of the day there's this big big urge to just fit in. the only way i could rock up as a girl would either be in a wig or a propperly shaved head.... i mean shaved right off to hide male pattern baldness
Moods, do get mood swings, partly to do with meds im on partly to do with general situations at home, work and well this whole situation. The lows, well im not suicidal i can say that, i couldnt do that to myself but when the lows hit i do think sometimes i might be easier if i just have a heart attack right there or something lol. im not worried about these lows, i can recognise them when they hit and know it'll pass.
Weight, 20st 8 at worst or 288 lbs, lost 2 stone(28lb) before xmas but put around 9 back on so its back loosing wieght for 2018... that kinda rhymes!. Goal is to loose 8 stone or 112 lb, i know thats my biggest bug bear atm and would make alot of things better for me.
Hair OMG hair, its becoming a bit obsessive atm, using a combination of epilator, cream and tweezers. epilator on legs is fantastic, but chest - god dam! so so many ingrowing hairs and skin looks repulsive now, it'll heal but with me more slowly than you due to my immune system. i do feel better now most of my body hair is now gone though but find myself looking towards my eyebrows and how they look to masculine but i know i cant touch them atm or they'll be some fallout and ill be wanting to go freeze myself in vault 111
anyway its a new year, and more than ever a new me. Im not going to call these resolutions as you and i know they dont work. These are my goals in 2018, this is what i know i need to achieve for my own sanity
1) come out to wife
2) come out to others
3) loose that 111lbs, or atleast whats safe in 12 months
4) develop my business more and leave my current job
5) try experimenting with make up / clothes
6) figure out what i am
7) get into a hair routine and dont be obsessive every day
8 ) let me be me
I was trying to make it to 10 but 8 is good
Congratulations if you actually read all that or to be fair even if you skipped after awhile to the end
. Im not expecting any relies to my rambles, not looking for anything advise but feel free to share as im always open but just wanted to alteast form a framework to go foward