so this is the letter, just took out my name for here. Plan to hand over when kids are in bed tonight so i've got 12 hours to go to make sure i dont talk myself out of doing this.
im not looking for advise to change any of this, but if i post it on here its more real and im more likely to go through with this. Read it through a few times and it sums up me very well i feel, i know theres a couple of a jokes around sexuality in there but i know my wife, it wont come across badly
----------
(as you start to read this you may think that ive cheated on you or im breaking up – its not that at all – I love you but I can see how the first bit reads !).... And I know it goes on but please read it all. This is not a joke.
I need to tell you something, it's something that I've been trying to find the words for in person for a number of weeks but I can't seam to say it to you. I don't want to chicken out completely and never tell you, I want and need you to know. Please understand how hard this is to open up to anyone about and I need this to stay between us until I say otherwise.
I always knew I was different growing up but I couldn't put my finger on it, I don't know if I realised anything back then and subconsciously buried it or I just didn't catch on but in Mid November I finally realised what my brain had been keeping from me – I know that sounds a bit odd but having my brain and me separate for this is easier to describe. I wont go into too much details but things clicked into place, things from the past made sense, thoughts / feelings made sense.
I think I had been depressed for many years upto this point, basically existing as a zombie though life but all of a sudden the fog lifted. I felt overwhelming happiness that i now know the final piece of the puzzle that makes up me. I once said, well I think I said it a few times to you when we was dating "im not like other blokes" and you even replied "I know". I didn't know what that even meant then but I do now.
On that day in November I realised that I was not male but female inside, how silly is that! I feel like a girl, I am Transgender. I have wondered if this is a phase or if it will go away but it's the opposite, I cant shake these thoughts and feelings. While I'm not depressed now I am getting highs and lows with this, when that transition street advert came on the tv on sat night it caught me off guard and that became a big low – that's why I went upstairs for a bit.
This is the reason why I started to get rid of body hair, get them sports bras and compress chest at work. It may seam odd but I'm just trying to feel normal. I better say right now that I don't want to leave you and get with a guy, just incase you was thinking that! But on the funny side I guess this makes you lesbian again lol.
When I look at myself I don't see me, I see a fat, bald 35 year old man and none of that is me. The only place I see myself is in my eyes, I know im there somewhere but outwards appearance is all wrong. It's like there's been a disconnect between me and my body for ages, I think that's why ive let myself put on so much weight but I now see this as just a shell that needs to be peeled off.
I feel like my personality has changed or atleast expanded, I'm happier knowing this info, I'm listening to different music, I'm losing weight, I'm doing things that I want to do – ie vape. I don't know what's going to happen in the future but I do know I need to let you know about all of this and I need help.
The old me hasn't completely gone but its like that's now just 10% of me and the rest is new. You know me better than anyone, maybe even better than myself – I want to know if this is a complete shock or something that you could see in me already? I feel you have been reacting different to me recently and I'm guessing it's to do with how I've been acting, even if you didn't realise it you've been nicer to me over the last few weeks.
Looking forward, I don't know where this info will lead but I do know is that I can't carry on like now but it might be as simple as you knowing the truth. I'm going to lose weight, body hair isn't coming back. Ive got an appointment at docs for Friday morning to ask to be referred but the weight times are over a year. I figure I'll know what I'm going to do by then and I can always cancel.
The medical term is gender dysphoria, now I realise that's what this is I can feel I'm reaching breaking point and need your help and support. If I know you like I think I do I think you'll take this well but I don't blame you if don't.
I don't want to be a freak, I want to be normal and fit in but apparently Im a freak, I don't know if this will just stay with us / at home or if this will become something more open. I'm overweight, ive got no hair, I'm in the wrong clothes, my voice is too low, my glasses are masculine, my face screams man, my name isn't in any way female. All this is wrong, I have an urge to get piercings and maybe even a tattoo at some point.
I'm open to suggestions and help just remember I love you.
Questions
Are you ok with this?
Is there anything that's a red line?
You said last night with that advert that anything like this fascinates you – why?
Did you see this coming? If so for how long or if not – shocked