Jo Bloggs (formally The Rambles of Shambles)

[Shambles]

I sort of ment how people interact with you during the time that you reconise your trans but before coming out. Do some people instintively start to interact as if your female or not. As i think im acting alittle different it may be the case but its just as reasonable to say its just in my head because my outlook has changed.

I dont think any of the males have picked up on this but 1 or 2 of the girls might have even just subconsiously.

I know, well i think i wasnt very feminine in personality before, it was hidden away even from me. It may have been the case also that  these girls did this before but i never picked up on it.

While ill never know for curtain the question was just around other experiancet with people who had thier relelation part way though a job or freindship but the comments so far are still valid )

[HappyMoni]

If i had to sum up how i feel in a nutshell i would be-

A warm, sentitive  glow that radiates pure empathy.

Somtimes i feel like an alien on startrek that only has selfless thughouts, you no the ones where another race takes advantage of them and the captain need to step in

Nothing like a good Star Trek reference! If you remember the aliens who were half black and half white, that was how I felt most of my life, only instead of color it was half man and half woman. Luckily for  me I finally realized that the half man part of me was really only a shadow of a whole woman. It is amazing to finally be a whole person. I recommend it highly.
Moni

[Michelle_P]

In the first few months of HRT, while presenting as male and not out beyond my immediate family, I noticed a definite change in response of both men and women in social settings.

I had always tended to hang out more with the women than men.  This continued, and I seem to have been more actively brought into the 'women's circle' and included in discussions.  The behavior of men around me was especially interesting, though.  They started to 'chat me up' more, and became more solicitous in conversation and activities.  (How often do guys fetch things unasked for other guys, get them drinks, hold open doors, offer to carry things?)

I would get in conversations with men I had known for many years, and would notice them leaning in close, then getting a funny expression and backing up to a more normal separation, guy-guy interpersonal distance.   

I always suspected the pheromone clues I gave off had shifted, and triggered behavior sets in the people around me.

[HappyMoni]

On  the flip side of this, before I came out at work, I grew my hair longer and longer. I had people saying I was trying to be a hippy. Some wanted me to cut my hair, like it irritated them, and one gal who said I was becoming a hot guy. (Can you say smoke up one's skirt? lol) I conclude that this must be a highly personal thing. Each person gives off their own vibes.
Moni

[Laurie]

Hmmm vibes and pheromones... Mine must be giving off "keep your distance" Oooops wait that's what I try to do when other seem to be attracted. Some just won't listen though. Maybe I need to try something else.... I see the farm store has a sale on barbed wire.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Faith]

Hmmm vibes and pheromones... Mine must be giving off "keep your distance" Oooops wait that's what I try to do when other seem to be attracted. Some just won't listen though. Maybe I need to try something else.... I see the farm store has a sale on barbed wire.

Hugs,
  Laurie

You can get flashlights with built-in tasers 

[Shambles]

In the first few months of HRT, while presenting as male and not out beyond my immediate family, I noticed a definite change in response of both men and women in social settings.

I had always tended to hang out more with the women than men.  This continued, and I seem to have been more actively brought into the 'women's circle' and included in discussions.  The behavior of men around me was especially interesting, though.  They started to 'chat me up' more, and became more solicitous in conversation and activities.  (How often do guys fetch things unasked for other guys, get them drinks, hold open doors, offer to carry things?)

I would get in conversations with men I had known for many years, and would notice them leaning in close, then getting a funny expression and backing up to a more normal separation, guy-guy interpersonal distance.   

I always suspected the pheromone clues I gave off had shifted, and triggered behavior sets in the people around me.

Yes this is what i was interested in, reactions at a subconsous level though i can see yours are more drematic with hrt than my example without.

In other news ive made a desision on my name, hearing me called Jo on here helped.

My name is Jo / Joanne and im a alcaho... ops wrong group. Im a trans-woman.

[Roll]

Yes this is what i was interested in, reactions at a subconsous level though i can see yours are more drematic with hrt than my example without.

In other news ive made a desision on my name, hearing me called Jo on here helped.

My name is Jo / Joanne and im a alcaho... ops wrong group. Im a trans-woman.

HI JO!

[Michelle_P]

Hi, Jo! 

I'm an older person, and generally am found with the 55-and-older crowd, so their reactions to any scent cues may be less guarded than those that younger folks might have.  That might explain some of the differences in what we have experienced.

[bobbisue]

      Hi Jo its great you seem to be coming to terms with yourself I understand your worries about being seen buying makeup etc what I did when I was just starting out was carry a paper with me and keep looking at it as if it was a list from my wife I never got a second look and it really helped with the nerves

     bobbisue

[Cassi]

Cellphones are more convincing now 

[Shambles]

Cellphones are more convincing now 

Thats what i was doing )) the other approach i thought of was a gift set as that way it looks like its for someone else.

To be honest theres so many things poping in to my head now that i want to change or try now ive thought about it more eg wig, make up,eyebrows shaped, female glasses, clothes etc even a tattoo and was.always against them ! I dont think alitle.make up will cut it. I know what i need to do next.... i need to talk to my wife about all this and go from there. Also set a goal for weight loss. Want to end up at 11 stone (154 lbs) its in the healthy weight for men and average for women, itll mean a total loss of 9st 8 or 134 lb which is alot but after loosing 30 of those already i do feel much better.

Im supprised how quick i can see things changing, i thought i would be ok just plodding along, its doesnt feel like overwelming gd right now its more like exitement and whats to come or what could be.

Ive cought myself trying to over copensate in man mode though with my voice, i have been trying to get it sound more feminie, acording to an app its in the right place when singing but no where near while talking. But what ever i try when speaking to others my voice always goes to a nateral low. Even when i say to myself right lets just try somethig new here. Its funy in a way, i can reconise its me stopping myself. Itll be fun when it actually happens.

I had a vivid dream last night, i dont remember many dreams but this one felt so real. I was a woman, i was a work, i was skinny, average boobs and blond. Kinda looked eastern european for some reason. It wasnt sexual in any way but it all just felt right like that was the reallity and this is the dream. I woke up happy.

[Shambles]

I wrote war and piece last night when i was very low but decided to delete it, i was afraid and very down and was a couple of things in there that i didnt want anyone to get offended by.

But anyway i figure if i cant speak the words to my wife as im a coward, i cant text it - thats silly and its way to long and i still want to be there when she finds out ive wrote a letter to her which i plan to hand to her and let her read it while im there.

Plan to do this tonight as it's all getting to much to carry on my own

[Shambles]

so this is the letter, just took out my name for here. Plan to hand over when kids are in bed tonight so i've got 12 hours to go to make sure i dont talk myself out of doing this.

im not looking for advise to change any of this, but if i post it on here its more real and im more likely to go through with this. Read it through a few times and it sums up me very well i feel, i know theres a couple of a jokes around sexuality in there but i know my wife, it wont come across badly
----------
(as you start to read this you may think that ive cheated on you or im breaking up – its not that at all – I love you but I can see how the first bit reads !).... And I know it goes on but please read it all. This is not a joke.

I need to tell you something, it's something that I've been trying to find the words for in person for a number of weeks but I can't seam to say it to you. I don't want to chicken out completely and never tell you, I want and need you to know. Please understand how hard this is to open up to anyone about and I need this to stay between us until I say otherwise.

I always knew I was different growing up but I couldn't put my finger on it, I don't know if I realised anything back then and subconsciously buried it or I just didn't catch on but in Mid November I finally realised what my brain had been keeping from me – I know that sounds a bit odd but having my brain and me separate for this is easier to describe. I wont go into too much details but things clicked into place, things from the past made sense, thoughts / feelings made sense.
I think I had been depressed for many years upto this point, basically existing as a zombie though life but all of a sudden the fog lifted. I felt overwhelming happiness that i now know the final piece of the puzzle that makes up me. I once said, well I think I said it a few times to you when we was dating "im not like other blokes" and you even replied "I know". I didn't know what that even meant then but I do now.
On that day in November I realised that I was not male but female inside, how silly is that! I feel like a girl, I am Transgender.  I have wondered if this is a phase or if it will go away but it's the opposite, I cant shake these thoughts and feelings. While I'm not depressed now I am getting highs and lows with this, when that transition street advert came on the tv on sat night it caught me off guard and that became a big low – that's why I went upstairs for a bit.
This is the reason why I started to get rid of body hair, get them sports bras and compress chest at work. It may seam odd but I'm just trying to feel normal. I better say right now that I don't want to leave you and get with a guy, just incase you was thinking that! But on the funny side I guess this makes you lesbian again lol.
When I look at myself I don't see me, I see a fat, bald 35 year old man and none of that is me. The only place I see myself is in my eyes, I know im there somewhere but outwards appearance is all wrong. It's like there's been a disconnect between me and my body for ages, I think that's why ive let myself put on so much weight but I now see this as just a shell that needs to be peeled off.
I feel like my personality has changed or atleast expanded, I'm happier knowing this info, I'm listening to different music, I'm losing weight, I'm doing things that I want to do – ie vape. I don't know what's going to happen in the future but I do know I need to let you know about all of this and I need help.
The old me hasn't completely gone but its like that's now just 10% of me and the rest is new. You know me better than anyone, maybe even better than myself – I want to know if this is a complete shock or something that you could see in me already? I feel you have been reacting different to me recently and I'm guessing it's to do with how I've been acting, even if you didn't realise it you've been nicer to me over the last few weeks.
Looking forward, I don't know where this info will lead but I do know is that I can't carry on like now but it might be as simple as you knowing the truth. I'm going to lose weight, body hair isn't coming back. Ive got an appointment at docs for Friday morning to ask to be referred but the weight times are over a year. I figure I'll know what I'm going to do by then and I can always cancel.
The medical term is gender dysphoria, now I realise that's what this is I can feel I'm reaching breaking point and need your help and support. If I know you like I think I do I think you'll take this well but I don't blame you if don't.
I don't want to be a freak, I want to be normal and fit in but apparently Im a freak, I don't know if this will just stay with us / at home or if this will become something more open. I'm overweight, ive got no hair, I'm in the wrong clothes, my voice is too low, my glasses are masculine, my face screams man, my name isn't in any way female. All this is wrong, I have an urge to get piercings and maybe even a tattoo at some point.

I'm open to suggestions and help just remember I love you.

Questions
Are you ok with this?
Is there anything that's a red line?
You said last night with that advert that anything like this fascinates you – why?
Did you see this coming? If so for how long or if not – shocked

[KathyLauren]

That's a good letter.  Good luck tonight!

[Roll]

<3 GOOD LUCK SWEETIE!! I hope everything goes well!

[bobbisue]

       Beautiful letter my only advice is bring tissues I needed them I wish you the best

     bobbisue

[davina61]

Much better than my blurted out " I have bought myself some clothes and I want a sex change" . See you must be in the UK as you said NHS so hello from the middle bit. Boots for make up and no one will bat an eye, ask for help.

[Shambles]

Thanks all. About 3 hours to go. Seams in a good mood so hope kids dont play up.

Davina61 *also waves back from the middle bit of the uk  im going to pm you

[Laurie]

Hi Joanne,

  I think your letter is well done and cannot stress more that your wife will probably need some time for it to sink in. She may need to be left alone to think about things for a bit. Please give her the time she needs. She is your partner in life and as such she needs your love and support as much as you need hers. Good luck, Joanne.

  Btw I love your name. I gave it to my daughter almost 46 years ago but spelled, JoAnn, She is the second love of my life. My ex being the first and I suppose I still love her too.