Jo Bloggs (formally The Rambles of Shambles)

[Rachel]

Good luck, I am sending good thoughts your way.

[Shambles]

Well that couldnt have gone any worse.... read half if it then threw it back to me as couldnt read it any more then started crying. Giving her space now. Im regreting this now...

[Cassi]

Well that couldnt have gone any worse.... read half if it then threw it back to me as couldnt read it any more then started crying. Giving her space now. Im regreting this now...

Giving her space is good.  I knew a few guys who's wives left them for other women.  One thing I noticed was that the guys experienced a little bit of guilt because they felt they had failed their wives and also brought into question their ability to make their wives happy.  Perhaps, she's just internallizing this and once she's gathered her thoughts she'll be more positive to you. Afterall, how did you handle this at the moment you began to realize something was different.  Just some thoughts.

[Laurie]

Ohhhh I'm sorry Joanne, Giving her time is a good thing to do right now. Let her absorb what she has read and she should at least be able to Talk to you about it. It is going to take patience on your part to let her come to you.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Shambles]

Im just lying in bed now with the quilt right over me. And trying to keep the kids away from her.
 

[Shambles]

I had it in my head that she would just say.... i alteady know. But she didnt have a clue

[Cassi]

I had it in my head that she would just say.... i alteady know. But she didnt have a clue

Hang in there.  Sometimes we're better actors than we think.

[Shambles]

update-

we went from "im still me" reply - "no your not" and i dont think we can be together to i want another baby in the space of 2 hours. She thought i had been cheating on her as my mood had changed recently and said that would probity have been easier if that was true rather than this. Think things are patched up but i did have to make concessions

no wig, no dressing up, no hrt, no srs, you get the jist - basically its ok for others to do this but not her husband. i just agreed to all and we made a joke out of it. Although she was better than imidelatly after the fact i hoped she'll need more time still.

The info is out there now with her, im going to give her more time for things to sink in. She knows ive got a doc appointment at the end of the week and did say its not my fault.

Time will tell i suppose

Jo
x

[Laurie]

Yes Joanne, time will tell. She does need more time for this to sink in. In the meantime let her know how much she means to you and show her that you love her. Give her time and don't push it. If the subject comes up again talk to her honestly. Buy her some flowers or take her out to eat. Show her she is important to you. Good luck girl.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Shambles]

Hi Joanne,

  I think your letter is well done and cannot stress more that your wife will probably need some time for it to sink in. She may need to be left alone to think about things for a bit. Please give her the time she needs. She is your partner in life and as such she needs your love and support as much as you need hers. Good luck, Joanne.

  Btw I love your name. I gave it to my daughter almost 46 years ago but spelled, JoAnn, She is the second love of my life. My ex being the first and I suppose I still love her too.

Lauire you can adopt me as your daughter any day x

[Laurie]

Laurie you can adopt me as your daughter any day x

   That's sweet of you to say Joanne. Thanks, but I've already lost all the family I can handle.

[Shambles]

Feels like im in the eye of a storm the last few days, guessing down to talking to wife about being trans. Im as carm as calm can be but i know im going to get swollen up again soon. I actually feel normal like close to before i realised myself.

Ive come to think having GD is like holding a ticking bomb, its fine until it goes off without warning then its not good.

Wife has acepted this new info now, and she wants me to get a tatoo now as i mentioned it in the letter, I guess thats the part thats not related to gd though and just supressed personalliy. I hope once ive got a refferal and on the 18 month waiting list she might acept some other things too but we'll see...

ive not had any hair for some years and just want to swush some around. Swooshh to the left, oh look theres a fringe and hair going past my eyes, swusssh to the right, hello again hair ive missed you

[Roll]

Feels like im in the eye of a storm the last few days, guessing down to talking to wife about being trans. Im as carm as calm can be but i know im going to get swollen up again soon. I actually feel normal like close to before i realised myself.

Ive come to think having GD is like holding a ticking bomb, its fine until it goes off without warning then its not good.

Wife has acepted this new info now, and she wants me to get a tatoo now as i mentioned it in the letter, I guess thats the part thats not related to gd though and just supressed personalliy. I hope once ive got a refferal and on the 18 month waiting list she might acept some other things too but we'll see...

ive not had any hair for some years and just want to swush some around. Swooshh to the left, oh look theres a fringe and hair going past my eyes, swusssh to the right, hello again hair ive missed you

I'm glad things have calmed down!

Same for me with the hair. When I wear wig it feels so great to be able to see the hair moving for a change. It's a little distracting at first, but then just comforting. I knew I was going to go bald with genetics when I was in my 20s so was shaving my head (buzzer, not like shiny bald shaved) for a decade before now.

[Shambles]

low dose hrt without the hrt? i think i may know what put me over the edge in november and outed me but ive got a gp appointment on friday and my specialist on monday so i might get some answers about this. Lost a bit of weight and on prednisolone for 20 years, i think pred can cause hormones to go a bit wacky, i know they have given me boobs over the years so i know they are effecting my hormones somewhat.

1) In november i had alredy lost a bit of weight and from what i read burning fat can increase estrogen levels even in men, not sure if it converts it or releases it or what but it can increase

2) prednisolone effects, i have been altering the dose over the last 6 months trying to decrease it safely

3) underlying thoughts / feelings

The combination of the three might have been to much to handle and it broke me. I know though this isn't just an inbalance issue as i can point to events before i started taking them that still make me female and wouldn't want to give up these feelings for anyone but it might turn out that ive had my estrogen boosted since i was 15. I'm going to ask for some blood tests as well as the referral i just hope the gp will still refer me if i ask for the bloods, might just get the referral from the gp then ask for the bloods from my specialist on monday.. that might be a safer option

Would be cool if this is the case, as it might mean my face is more passable than i think under all the face fat lol. I know that the 5 o'clock shadow for me comes the following day and can go a couple of days without shaving when others need to do this everyday so it wouldn't surprise me


Been thinking about stuff from the past as denial me and sexuality. Was bi curious but never really acted on it, seamed not right man to man but thoughts still there... that should have been a sign.

Always thought i might have been a bit of a perv and that was wrong with me, attracted to girls outside my age range but if i see someone now its not lust that i see now or in the past.. its jelousy of them in that body

Its unreal how much you can lie and kid yourself, the ability to forget and not catch on just so you can be a normal dull fish in a big school. Id much soon be a bright colourfull fish in a much smaller school now

[Laurie]

Hi Again Joanne,

   Like Ellie I am glad things have calmed down a bit with your wife and hope she continues to process things with reason. I'm sure you are letting her know how important she is to you and how much you love her. You need that base of love, trust and honesty in your relationship with her. She needs to understand that she is an active partner in this and that you need her to be.
   Those feelings and thought you stated in your last post sound pretty familiar. Have you been into my head again? I hope not sometimes things get pretty rough in there. What I meant is that those thoughts and feeling are normal and there was nothing wrong in having them. As for the other things I can't help you with those at all. Don't get caught up in overthinking things lest you have what a friend calls "Thinking Errors" They will lead one astray.

  Keep going as you are because it is progress and good luck on the home front.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Shambles]

So doctors appointment tomorrow morning to ask for a referal, was having thoughts around am i actualy female? All that kinda stuff. Wasnt sure if it was male me holding me back trying to get me to cancel or eas the truth. Then wife brings back a big case full of around 40 to 50 different nail polishes of every imaingable colour. Hell therers even a neon green in there for the daughter and and all i could think is when can i try some of these out. Guess thats the question answered. Its a shame theres no remover in there.

Off to the docs i go! Think im going to open up with the line are you ready for your weirdest conversation of the day.....

Does the idea of transitioning put alot of people off? I mean if i could flip a switch and its all done and im at the end of the line socialy i would do it but the thought of weird convetsations and looks and being in an inbetween stage for a number of years pulls me back the other way. Its messed up having a 18month plus wait to see someone about gd as it means you might aswell get on the list while your getting answers yourself.... and that just pushes the wait times up even more for other people...

[Roll]

You'd be surprised what a lot of doctors hear, I keep thinking I'm going to be the day's highlight but apparently I've never even been close.

And the thought of the awkward phase, definitely not great. But you know what? It gets easier. It gets so much easier. Every time I talk to someone about it, bring it up with health care providers or whatever... it becomes routine. A few months ago I was planning ahead about how not to leave the house for 2 years. Now I'm planning how far and fast I can push it while still being so visibly male.

[Shambles]

You know what also happend today when she brought all the nail polish in. "Your mom told me you wore nail polish when younger when you was going through a goth or emo stage" now none of this makes sence! Ever my mom or wife is making this info up or i cant remember this at all. I was never a goth or emo and never put anything on my nails before. I know my brain has lied for years but even if repressed i should remember a stage in my life like this but it feels competly made up.

[KathyLauren]

the thought of weird convetsations and looks and being in an inbetween stage for a number of years pulls me back the other way.

The in-between stage doesn't have to last long.  I identify my "stages" like this:
1. Denial.  Wanted to transition but couldn't admit to myself that I was trans.
2. Closeted.  I knew I was trans, but I had told no one.
3. Preparation.  I was out to a few people and dressing in controlled situations.
4. In-between.  On HRT, but presenting male most of the time.  Still out only to a few selected people.
5. RLE.  Fully out; everyone knows.  Presenting female full-time.  << I am here now.
6. Finished. Post-GRS, in my future.

The awkward in-between stage, stage 4, only lasted three months for me.

[Laurie]

 Hi Joanne,

  These first meetings are awkward for us but they are not new for these professionals. I was nervous about telling my GP, then telling a psychiatrist or psychologist for my mental assessment, and again when I started therapy. I was open and honest with all three. I had to be because it is necessary for them to have the true story in order for them to be helpful to us. Take a deep breath or two and talk to them. That is all it really is .. talking, talking about what you feel, what you think, and what you want. They all want to know how they can help you. That is all. It will go well and you will feel better once you do talk with them.

Hugs,
   Laurie