Jo Bloggs (formally The Rambles of Shambles)

[Shambles]

Thanks both guess im at 2.5 on that scale. Yeah so rock and harder rock situation. Gp in an hour but last night wofe broke down. Think it hit her that i was actully going to speak to a doc about this. Think she tjought i would cancel. She said again that is isnt going to happen. I can tell shes greaving. Its a phase. Cant do anything to feminize. Looks like in going to curl up in my shell for a bit until either me or wife breaks then marrage over then do something about it.  Mood not good atm thats safe to say

[Roll]

I wish I could say with anything resembling certainty that she'll come around and everything will be wonderful, but unfortunately no one can. But by the same token, no one can say that things won't get better. Just make sure to include her. Things like going to therapy with her a part of it, maybe she will be able to see exactly how much it all matters to you and is part of something so core to who you are as a person.

What I'm trying to say is... don't give up hope. Not for yourself, not for your marriage, not for transitioning, and not even transitioning while maintaining your marriage. Tomorrow things may be the same, they may be worse, but they could also be better, perhaps even a lot better.

And maybe it's naive of me, but I believe those who truly love us will ultimately seek to do what is right by us, just as I hope we would seek to do what is right by them. What form that may take, who knows... But, yeah... just, don't give up.

[Shambles]

Gosh elle nice picture, i didnt resonsie you then! I though who is this beutiful girl saying these kind things

[Roll]

Gosh elle nice picture, i didnt resonsie you then! I though who is this beutiful girl saying these kind things

<3

[Laurie]

Hi Joanne,

  I am just now getting to this. Yesterday I had an appointment for electrolysis. I started the day with 3 pages of new posts to read and still had to get ready for my appointment. Just before I was ready to leave some old fogy started this silly post about old things that youngins like Julia might be interested in. Well that thread went viral while I was at my appointment adding pages to my reading. I think I st had five pager or recent posts to read when I went to bed. Today started with four and there is five now and I've been reading and doing mod stuff all day.
  Oh Yeah, sorry this is your thread, sorry. I hope your appointment was kept and went well. Ellie is right in suggesting that your wife could benefit by going with you to a session. We have seen this approach help the wife understand things better. Be sure to talk about it with the therapist first though. I am sorry she is having a difficult time with it right now and I know your are too. Hopefully it will get better. You know we are here for you and if you think I can help in some way you are welcome to PM me.
  For now I send you virtual hugs (((Hugs)))

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Shambles]

Its ok i honestly dont mind if this is just a wall of my comments, i just need somewhere to put my thoughts... i have been thinking of a diary but that jusy seams too pre- teenage girl for me.

So docs. I talked to him and he was fantastic, didnt judge and seamed very understanding. Also mentioned where my wife is at and he understood. Left it as im not asking for a refferal today but please remember this conversation if / when i do come back about this. Said need to give wife more time one way or another. The chat wasnt strange or horrid at all. I prob came accross abit timmid about the subject but came out thinking ive done the right thing both by talking to him and also not pushing for a refferal at this stage.

In other news the desire to get a wig has passesd somewhat, got a flat out no with that one from wife so im stuck looking at websites for now. The desire has shifted onto ears and getting them peirced. Would love to have l
3 on left and 1 on right. Both lobes then extra 1 on left lobe and 1 at the top on left. Dont no if wife would allow or even if im just too old to pull it off, gender aside. But thats where my thoughts have shifted too now.

I find myself asking does Jo have... her ears periced... does jo..have this or that
... does jo like....
Its strange when youve been living upto the part of dave(my names not dave but just an example) for so long you end up just acting how people expect dave to act and say what dave is expected to say in any given situation. Now ive goto ask myself who am i.

Always felt like i had two different personalities one and home and one at work. Home was boring and dull, basically a shell and at work was more fun, caring, nutured others with training and jusy more outgoing. I think im closer to my work attittude and been letting my female me out there abit over the years and i didnt even no it.

[Bari Jo]

I find myself asking does Jo have... her ears periced... does jo..have this or that

Nice update.  You are futher along than me then!  I've yet to talk with my regular doctor about Bari Jo.  Speaking of I ask the questions above like you do all the time.  I think I'm realizing I'm a Coach and Talbot's girl at heart from asking these questions.   I didn't expect that, thought for sure overalls and work boots gal.

Bari Jo

[Shambles]

Im not even going near clohes yet, i want to loose weight. Lost about 30 lbs but have a long way to go yet, i have trouble picturing the shape and what ill fit into as ive had all this baggage a long time.

Jo seams to be a pritty opposite personality of dave, i have moments that i just want to tell everyone whats going on, dave wouldnt say anything that is personal to anyone. Just had pictures of a wig, glasses and peirceing up on my pc all at the same time it deffinatly starts to paint a picture of me. I think om heading down a happy goth route if theres even a thing lol

[Shambles]

Pritty sure marrage is over by this point. Feel sick right now.

Had a low day, apparently im being moody and it all went downhill from there

[Roll]

I don't have the experience to know the words to give you justice right now, I truly wish I did, but as such I will leave that to those who have been where you are in their marriages. For my part, all I can do is say that you are in my thoughts, and I truly hope that in some way or another things are better tomorrow.

[Shambles]

Its not over for tonight atleast

[Laurie]

 Hi Joanne,

  I read one post and you sound like you are kind of daydreaming and sound hopeful. Then I go to the next and the world is over. and still then last says, no not quite yet. You are one an emotional roller coaster today. Up, down and then up just a little. I know what that is like. There is no stability and you feel as if you will fall at any moment. Emotions are all over the place. You no longer know whether you are coming or going or which way to turn. Remember this isn't any easier for your wife. She is feeling betrayed, deceived, hurt, angry because her whole world has been turned upside down too. She is struggling just as much as you are.
   I am not a therapist nor a marriage counselor. But what I still feel is that you continue to let her know how important she is to you. Tell her you love her and don't want to lose her. Let her know that you understand that she is upset and would like to help her understand what it is to be different and that you want to understand how she is feeling, what she is going through. In other words communicate with her if she will talk about it.
  I cannot come up with anything better than that and with my own track record you would probable be better listening to someone else. I couldn't save my own marriage or my relationship with my daughter.
  I will wish you luck and hope that things work out for you and her.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Shambles]

Is it normal to think or hope that i might be making trans status up? Sounds like would fit in with denial for an easyer life??

[KathyLauren]

Is it normal to think or hope that i might be making trans status up? Sounds like would fit in with denial for an easyer life??

Yes, it's called denial, and it is very, very common.  The thing is, though, that it doen't make life any easier.  The dysphoria won't go away.  The only option if you deny it is to live with the dysphoria until it gets too bad to bear any more.

[Rachel]

Hi Joanne,

I am sorry you are having difficulties with your SO. I know what it is like to be in a box with no way out. I hope you find the answers you need. I am sending good thoughts your way.

[Shambles]

Thanks both. I thought i could smell some denial, it stinks.

[Shambles]

Had a dream last night of Holly Willoby off uk tv with touching my face trying to guess my name, funny thing is she wasnt wearing the blindfold, i was.  Guessing its a identity thing.

Re done my body fat % yesterday, im down 7.4% whoop!

[Bari Jo]

Re done my body fat % yesterday, im down 7.4% whoop!

That's great, what a huge percentage.  Are you near your goal now?

Bari Jo

[VickyS]

Is it normal to think or hope that i might be making trans status up? Sounds like would fit in with denial for an easyer life??

Hi Joanne,
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings.  I am going through a very similar stage and the denial is really kicking in with me and I had exactly the same thoughts as you posted so you are not alone and I'm sure there are others.  I have to have 'that' conversation with my wife tonight and tell her everything.  I don't know if our marriages can survive this but it seems that if we bottle everything up and try to supress it, it will come back even stronger next time until the demons are faced head on. 
I thought just today that life would be so much easier as 'dave' (not my male name either) then I got really angry for about half an hour trying to be 'dave'.  It's such an emotional rollercoaster that it makes your head spin.

Vicky xx

[steph2.0]

I have to have 'that' conversation with my wife tonight and tell her everything.

Best wishes for tonight, Vicky.


- Stephanie