Jo Bloggs (formally The Rambles of Shambles)

[Jessica]

Hi Joanne 🙋‍♀️ After 6 months of HT I still am on a roller coaster and still experience denial for fleeting moments.  I just keep putting one foot forward and continue, knowing that my goal is for a fulfilled self.
Laurie is correct that showing your wife she is important to you can help in saving your relationship.  It doesn't work every time, but it did for me.

Good luck and hugs, Jessica 💁‍♀️

[Shambles]

That's great, what a huge percentage.  Are you near your goal now?

Bari Jo

Im about 20- 25% of the way there. I might be a bit too ambitous with the goal but want to loose a total of 8 to 10 stone

[Shambles]

Hi Joanne,
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings.  I am going through a very similar stage and the denial is really kicking in with me and I had exactly the same thoughts as you posted so you are not alone and I'm sure there are others.  I have to have 'that' conversation with my wife tonight and tell her everything.  I don't know if our marriages can survive this but it seems that if we bottle everything up and try to supress it, it will come back even stronger next time until the demons are faced head on. 
I thought just today that life would be so much easier as 'dave' (not my male name either) then I got really angry for about half an hour trying to be 'dave'.  It's such an emotional rollercoaster that it makes your head spin.

Vicky xx

Good luck my friend, i dont know how this wil go but for me i knew if we have any chance of staying together i need to be honest and tell her, no matter how hard that is. It might not be a good day for you but keep your chin up, know your doing the right thing and be understanding. Itll be all new to her.

All the best xx

[VickyS]

Best wishes for tonight, Vicky.

Thank you Stephanie. xx

Good luck my friend, i dont know how this wil go but for me i knew if we have any chance of staying together i need to be honest and tell her, no matter how hard that is. It might not be a good day for you but keep your chin up, know your doing the right thing and be understanding. Itll be all new to her.
All the best xx

Hi again Joanne,
You are absolutely right.  Honesty is the best policy.  When I read your posts my heart sank when you said it did not go well and you were hiding under the duvet!  That and when your wife flat refused some of your efforts to become more feminine.  You will get there because I think you are determined when you put your mind to it as can be seen with your amazing weight loss!  I'm very impressed.   
Vicky xx

[Shambles]

Its ramble time!

Its not nice how all i can think about now is things to do with transitioning, i over think everything anyway but this is on another level, for instance you should never think - if you could donate one or both of your balls to someone who couldnt have kids, when they do have kids whos the dad? Me or him??.

I keep wearing a jacket with a hood so i can cover my head, touch it as if it was hair. No one has caught on yet.
Sneaking some of wifes bodt spray but she cant tell as it smells the same as her

Ive definatly got more vocal around singing when on my own.

Thinking about the differences of transitioning with a so around or on own. If with an So then might not allow self to develop fully? Might still hold some of dave in place.


Starting to feel a bit trapped in the situation.. but hay ho!

Hopefully can loose another 14 pounds before the weather getts better, might try getting into running after work but its too cold for that atm

Looking through the threads where people post there before and after pics and the one with the swimsuits is very inspiring, it deffinatly turns some internal negitives into positives.

Peace x x

[Roll]

The girls in the swimsuit one have me beyond jealous.

[Shambles]

I know ellie right !

So ive got a plan, in my head its well thought out and allows wife to have more time while having the effect of not being so trapped for me. Would like another opinion though as this could be important. Bit of background wife dont want me chaning any more than already have at this point ie shaving, prrsonallity and a couple of other things. Shes scared that shes going to walk in on me in womans clothes or ill go get a wig etc.

What if i purpose that i wont do anything for 2 months? I wont bring anything up unless its brought up by hemarrage. Its the same time ive had since i came out to myself.

I figure it will give her time to come to terms, show its not just a phase. Or on the other hand its 2 months to say goodbye and leave on good terms.

Basically if i still feel the same and she wants to be with me fantastic but otherwise split on good terms. I want to save / keep the marrage but i cant be left hanging for years. Itll allow me to see a way foward and give her time. I can wait a few months but dont want to leave it any longer than that.

Last thing i want to do is give an altermatum but its a rubbish situation for all and might bring some clarity to both of us.

Is this a good idea?

[Roll]

I wish I had good answers or experience with marriage, but if nothing else I will say without hesitation giving her some time is definitely a good move. Though it id occur to me that not bringing it up at all may also not force her to confront it. Doesn't do any good unfortunately if she spends the two months not actually dealing with the issue, and I think we all know long denial can lead us on. You know your wife better than anyone though, so I think mostly just trusting your judgment is the important thing.

[Shambles]

Plans off. Been asking some leading questions the last few days testing the water but its clear now that soon we'll have to have a talk and ill have to choose. Marrage and kids or trans. I know ill always have access to kids but wont see them every day. Its not a desision i want to make but its not a choice at all. Its just a loney time while i find myself. I either need support or space and she wont support this at all.

I know we dont choose to be like this, its who we are. Its a do or die thing but i keep trying to say i choose to do this, i choose to do that as it feels like im more in control than i really am i suppose. If i say to myself i need to do this, you must do that then theres no control there even though its the same thing with the same outcome. Alteast this way theres an illusion of control.

I think i need to choose to end the marrage and i think that choice is sooner than i might realise.


Ive been holding back since opening up to her and at this level she can tollerate it, the thing is i cant. In her words i married the shy intelligent dave. But she cant be with me if im not, well just not. Dave is just a front to my soul, thats not who i am.

Would i take the blue pill right now, i dont know but its temping. However tempting that is ive got the red pill in one hand and a glass of water in the other.

[Bari Jo]

Relationships are very hard.  I think it might be good to go to therapy together.  At least she will get a better idea about being trans isn't something we choose.  I wish the best for you.

Bari Jo

[Shambles]

Relationships are very hard.  I think it might be good to go to therapy together.  At least she will get a better idea about being trans isn't something we choose.  I wish the best for you.

Bari Jo

Thanks bari, therapy wouldnt work. Its more fundermental for her, its just a its not going to happen viewpoint

[krobinson103]

My wife is a bit more accepting, but that's because I gave her no choice. At some point HRT won't be enough and I'll get an orchie so I don't need to be on Spiro. At that point I suspect the marriage will be over. As much as I want to keep it going, I can't be happy living as a man or gender neutral and my wife has made it clear She won't stay married to a Women. I suppose we have 1-2 years more before the changes are too much for her.

Its sad that it comes down to choices like this, but I think at the end of the day we have to choose the path that in the long run has the better outcome. Hopefully your wife will come around given more time.

[Shambles]

Been awhile but asked my gp for the refferal today to gic, got a man on one shoulder saying what the hell are you doing, my wife on the other waving goodbye and me in the middle feeling calm and knowing its the right thing to do.

Been wearing clear nail varnish on my fingernails for a week now and no one has either noticed or commented on it, im quite surprised no one has yet, even got an excuse ready when they do!

did something stupid on sun night, used my ipl on the lowest setting on my face.... started to realize after 30mins why it was a bad idea but have managed to hide this info from everyone inc the wife. Face looked sunburnt around cheaks and swollen. Its mostly passed now but not shaved since to try and avoid irritation. The pain was real for a couple of days but luckery it felt worse than it looked. You make a split decision and do something that takes 1 min to do but it had a big effect. I feel dumb so there's no need to say dont do this in the comments!

Well the feeling of what have i done on mon afternoon while at work turned into a bad depression lasting a couple of hours, i dont like feeling like that but i knew what triggered it.

Even saying all that im quite optimistic atm and in a good or atleast average mood

Oh and im now upto 40 pounds weight loss

jo

[Laurie]

Hi Joanne,

  Oh girl, the mixed feelings you must be having. The sad problem of your wife not being accepting and the good feeling from going ahead with what you need to do. Congrats on that part at least. That having to choose between one or the other is difficult at best.  I thought I had a handle on the issues I had, but as you know the circumstances got the best of me. Be careful that you don't fall into that deep hole like I did. If you do Jo, then PM me so we can talk about it.
  Congrats on the weight loss also.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Roll]

Jo, if you are doing what you feel you need to do, trust that. Whatever else happens, trust that. There is more I want to say, but I really don't want to overstep my experience when it comes to relationships. Just remember, you aren't good to anyone, including your wife if you were to deny yourself, living in depression and potentially resentment.

You are strong and you are brave.

(And congrats on the weight loss!!)

[Bari Jo]

Congrats Jo, on losing so much weight.  I look at it as I am shedding the man and retaining the woman:)

nail polish, I love it so.  I have only been wearing clear myself.  I went one day without the polish and felt naked.  gotta have it on.  nobody has said anything about it here either.  I think soon I will try lavender:)

Bari Jo

[Shambles]

Feels like im just getting more and more fustrated, how do you make someone understand what your going through if their either in denial or just to dence to understand?? I just cant get through to the wife. Husband all over valantines card cus i havent changed yet and well thats what u are. How can i get her to see me without her using her eyes.

I would have happyerly took a joke wife card with either name on it than this. It gives me so much anxity its unreal that she still cant see and understand me, i cant make her acept me but i need her to understand whats in my head and not what she can see.

Feel like going and orderig a wig and get some clothes and make up just to show her but i know thatll be it, ive been holdig back to protect her but again she just doent twig onto things. I shouldnt have to spell everything out i just wanna cry

[Cassi]

Feels like im just getting more and more fustrated, how do you make someone understand what your going through if their either in denial or just to dence to understand?? I just cant get through to the wife. Husband all over valantines card cus i havent changed yet and well thats what u are. How can i get her to see me without her using her eyes.

I would have happyerly took a joke wife card with either name on it than this. It gives me so much anxity its unreal that she still cant see and understand me, i cant make her acept me but i need her to understand whats in my head and not what she can see.

Feel like going and orderig a wig and get some clothes and make up just to show her but i know thatll be it, ive been holdig back to protect her but again she just doent twig onto things. I shouldnt have to spell everything out i just wanna cry

Honestly, as human beings we can be set in our ways and forget that the other person has feelings.  The fact that she gave you a card has to mean something unless she was just being mean.  Which brings me up to the question of when two people of the same sex get married.  Are they both wives or husbands?

[KathyLauren]

Which brings me up to the question of when two people of the same sex get married.  Are they both wives or husbands?

It depends on the couple.  My wife and I are both wives.  My brother and his partner think it is weird to have two husbands in a couple, so they are either partners or spouses.

[Cassi]

It depends on the couple.  My wife and I are both wives.  My brother and his partner think it is weird to have two husbands in a couple, so they are either partners or spouses.

Thanks, I was curious about that.