Had a busy day today, alot has happened. Went for the initial appointment for lasor on face and got a patch test done, cant tell you how nervous i was going in and waiting but the guy was really nice and chatted for most of the hour. He didn't mention anything about trans but i was going in for beard removal and did have pink nail varnish on so im guessing he knew. He did make a comment when i was asking how long if any he wants the hair on the day and asked me to touch his chin for comparison, think the phrase was "man to man" think i just smiled at that point but cant really remember. Anyway i need to phone up my specialist just to check its ok to do the treatment as i mentioned existing medication but all being well im going to have the first of six seasons done this friday! He even gave me a discount for paying upfront rather than in installments as i was worried about the price.
At work there testing the waters with seeing how many people want to take volentry redundancy, the bad point is that i dropped my hours to 80% full time 2 months ago, if i ask to be considered and get it that choice will cost me 4 years worth of redundancy pot cash but i still might take it so i can concentrate on my business. Just need to say i want to proceed tomorrow as its a tight turnaround. Its a bit of a leap of faith but think its needed at this point to get away from what i do now to what i want to do. A wise old man that left the place a fair few years ago said something to me that i've always remembered - "your'll never be rich working here but you will be comfortable". Well if my awakening so far over the last 6 months has taught me anything its that anything is possible and this is very much feeling like a once in a lifetime offer that i cant refuse. I was ready to plead to the boss about getting the other 20% of the package but she said it wouldn't matter what i said its just how it is so im not dwelling on that but i was prepared to come out to her, the full works if it would have helped as the difference would have paid for a hair transplant.
Went to talk to my mom and dad about my choices (not out to them so did keep my pink fingernails firmly in my pockets) and mentioned about hair transplant. Well my dad reacted to the whole convo like a sledgehammer like he normally does but my mom just sat there looking all worried about stuff going wrong abroad and it might be better to wait a bit for the cash to do it in the uk, she did say she completely understands though (even though she thinks im cis male). I did have it in my head that i might be able to do the hair by this summer but my mom wanted me to promise that i wouldn't do it for 12 months - i promised her 6 months in the end. Lasor on face will take 6 months anyway and i might not have a full paying job next month so it kinda feels like the sensible thing to do. Now knowing my GD i do think something will need to take it's place though, ive got a feeling that i might be rocking some colour on nails in public more often... and the wig privately but its just so hard when you have kids, it rules out at home for most of the day.
Saying that though my daughter who's 5 noticed the nails tonight, was confused at first but i just said i put it on when she was asking how it got there, like someone had pinned me down and put it on without me knowing or something but she was ok with that after 5 mins.
There's a hell of a lot going on in my life atm, fair wack of it isn't connected to GD. It's strange though that everything, well alot of stuff is going right or changing at this point in my life. 6 months ago i felt trapped but now everything is shifting and i feel the power to be able to move things in a direction i want. Things might go horribly wrong but im looking at the positives right now, i keep coming back to two ideas. 1) accepting that im trans and need to move forward has had some other positive effects around me, i mean i know im changing - becoming more comfortable with who i am inside - maybe thats radiating out? I know i have no control over a redundancy offer but even that im seeing as a good thing if i can get it. or 2) someone is watching over me and giving me a little help (im not religious but its still an option!)
wow! didn't think i was going to ramble for that long then but like i said alot's happened in 24 hours
Peace!
Jo
