1,2,3......I'm in...hello!

[Mattie02]

Hi everyone. Like so many, I've read and re-read this site for quite some time. I'm not sure what it is, but I finally feel compelled to join and be part of the community. I think a lot of it may have to do with trying to be really honest with myself and figure things out. Or at the very least, gain more insight and feedback/support along the way.

Without going into a full essay, the cliff notes version begins with feeling different, earliest recollection around 5-6 ish. (Parents actually thought they were having a girl, when I arrived I was told it was a few days to come up with a boy's name). Persistent feelings of being drawn to all things feminine, persistent attempts to ignore and push away....yada yada, very short lived attempt at occasional full presentation as female, all things packed away and hidden......fast forward to 2 years ago and a genuine acceptance and attempt to understand my gender and who I am.

Today I am "out" as gender fluid/gender queer, although  I'm still struggling with who I am. I've even thought perhaps I'm trans, but labels start feeling burdensome. I mix in feminine bits into my appearance, from clothes to make-up, with some days more male side, and others more female.

In summary, I dislike being a male, but I'm too afraid to be a female (if that makes sense). I'm trying to embrace and balance both sides, but sometimes it really makes my head (and heart) hurt.

Anyway, with that said.....(thanks for reading).....hi everyone! Lol.....I'm looking forward to actively being a member here, not just lurking on the sidelines.

[VickyS]

Hi Mattie and welcome!

In summary, I dislike being a male, but I'm too afraid to be a female (if that makes sense). I'm trying to embrace and balance both sides, but sometimes it really makes my head (and heart) hurt.

That makes total sense.  I suffer from not wanting to be male then if I push too hard into the female side, I get dysphoria about my body not looking how I feel inside and think I'll never be female which makes my head and heart hurt also.  Then I think I'll just give up and stay male which feels very wrong and upsets me even more.
It's like an emotional game of tennis I think.  I think the story is a common one but hopefully you will find peace and your identity.  Have you considered therapy if it's disrupting your life and causing you pain?

Stay strong!

Vicky x

[Jessica]

Hi Matti 🙋 welcome to Susan's!  I'm Jessica.  I see your new here with questions many of us have.  I post some links to help you get better acquainted with the site.  Happy your here!

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

[rainlucien]

Hi Mattie,

I have a similar past.  I've always sort of known/had a feeling that I was a girl.  But I was raised very religious, so my parents and most peers kind of shut it down every time I tried to express that.  I cross-dressed throughout middle school and high school, and then mostly stopped for a long time. 
Fast forward to a few years ago and I came out as gender fluid.  But I sort of always knew in the back of my mind that being gender fluid - publicly, was really just a stepping stone to accepting myself as a trans woman.  I got exhausted trying to maintain a balance.  Not saying that the same thing is true for you, or will happen to you - just that you aren't alone.  I am lucky to have a good support system and a strong marriage.  My parents are both super supportive now, but growing up was rough hahaha.  Anyway, welcome and have a beautiful day.

[V M]

Hi Mattie 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[Mattie02]

Hi Mattie and welcome!

That makes total sense.  I suffer from not wanting to be male then if I push too hard into the female side, I get dysphoria about my body not looking how I feel inside and think I'll never be female which makes my head and heart hurt also.  Then I think I'll just give up and stay male which feels very wrong and upsets me even more.
It's like an emotional game of tennis I think.  I think the story is a common one but hopefully you will find peace and your identity.  Have you considered therapy if it's disrupting your life and causing you pain?

Stay strong!

Vicky x

Hi Vicky!

Wow, an emotional tennis game is such a great descriptor for exactly how I feel most of the time. I have done some therapy work, as an individual specifically focused on gender issues, and also as a couple with my fiancée for couples stuff but also how my gender-fluidity plays into our lives.

My individual therapy ended, but I am strongly considering starting up again, and the couples therapy is ongoing. Both have made big impacts, and have been very positive.

I really appreciate your kind words and am looking for the strength through the peace!

[Mattie02]

Hi Mattie,

I have a similar past.  I've always sort of known/had a feeling that I was a girl.  But I was raised very religious, so my parents and most peers kind of shut it down every time I tried to express that.  I cross-dressed throughout middle school and high school, and then mostly stopped for a long time. 
Fast forward to a few years ago and I came out as gender fluid.  But I sort of always knew in the back of my mind that being gender fluid - publicly, was really just a stepping stone to accepting myself as a trans woman.  I got exhausted trying to maintain a balance.  Not saying that the same thing is true for you, or will happen to you - just that you aren't alone.  I am lucky to have a good support system and a strong marriage.  My parents are both super supportive now, but growing up was rough hahaha.  Anyway, welcome and have a beautiful day.

Hi Rainlucien,

I completely relate as I was also raised in a very religious household. The kicker was that it was by my grandparents (who legally became my parents), so there was an extra "layer" of old fashioned, very conservative view of the world. They were great people who did the best they could in difficult circumstances, and I'm grateful daily for the sacrifices they made.

But I know what you mean about the tiredness that comes from trying to balance a gender identity, especially when it may not fit quite right. There has to be such an awesome feeling of freedom when it's a known quantity, and that foundation can then be built off of to become the person you were meant to be.

I'm really glad that it sounds like you found that, and I really appreciate your support and encouragement.

[Mattie02]

Hi Jessica and V M!

Thank you so much for the warm welcome and the helpful links to get familiar with the site. I'm very glad that there is such a friendliness here! Thank you both!

[DawnOday]

Mattie
Welcome and don't be a stranger. You have friends here. You just don't know it yet. My suggestion to you is to attend a support group if you can find one where you live. I travel 30 miles to mine. Just knowing there are others going through what you are going through is so affirming. There are many Woman's marches coming up on Jan 20. 2018. If you live in a large city there may be one in your town. Check out the links above for resources.

[Devlyn]

Hi Mattie, welcome to Susan's Place! I do like a good de-lurker story. 

"In summary, I dislike being a male, but I'm too afraid to be a female (if that makes sense). I'm trying to embrace and balance both sides"


I usually describe my gender as a both/neither combination. Labels don't help much with it. I'm just a unique person, and I live the way I want to.

See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

[gennee]

Hi Mattie and welcome to Susan's. I understand what you are going through. I didn't dislike my male side' I just preferred the feminine and am much happier. Labels aren't important. Just find where you're comfortable then live your life.

[HappyMoni]

Hi Mattie,
    1 2 3...Welcome!  Glad you are here.
Moni

[tgirlamg]

Welcome aboard Mattie!!...

I'm so glad you have decided to join the festivities!!!... You are truly amongst friends here!...Your intent to explore things a bit more will carry you far... Intent to do something opens a powerful door in life...

I have faith that this wonderful place will help you to find a path to express your inner truth that feels right and I would urge you to actively encourage and support others here in their journeys for that is often the way in which we find our own way in all of this...

Onward we go!!!

Ashley 😀❤️🌻

[Mattie02]

Thank you all so much for the wonderful words of support, encouragement, and welcome.

I plan on looking into a local group that is in town here, for support, socializing, etc. I liked that suggestion, and I've gone back and forth on it, but maybe I'll finally start taking a few more proactive steps  .

I feel really glad to have found this place.