Cassandra's Tale - The Making of a Brave New Girl

[Jessica_Rose]

The nature of this post gives me pause for a moment to consider whether or not to actually submit it. We post about the good and the bad here because it's what makes each of us complete.

It's more to learn and grow from, I suppose.

You are exactly right Cassie. threads like these do need to tell the whole story. It helps others understand some of what we go through, and it may help people who are lost understand themselves. No transition is perfect, and telling the whole story shows that we can overcome the obstacles which try to prevent us from finding peace.

On Monday I was deadnamed by a bank representative, twice. After the second incident I asked her to please stop using my dead name and I explained why it was so painful. Today she called again and I asked if she ever had any training in how to deal with transgender clients, and she said 'no'. She also mentioned that in her 12 years at that office she had never knowingly dealt with a transgender client. I could have gotten mad at her, but I didn't. I told her I wasn't upset with her because most people have no idea how painful deadnaming can be. I said I would be happy to help educate them.

We can't let the ignorance or malice shown by others bring us down to their level. We do need to protect ourselves, but we should also take the high road -- as you did. It isn't easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is.

[SassyCassie]

You are exactly right Cassie. threads like these do need to tell the whole story. It helps others understand some of what we go through, and it may help people who are lost understand themselves. No transition is perfect, and telling the whole story shows that we can overcome the obstacles which try to prevent us from finding peace.

On Monday I was deadnamed by a bank representative, twice. After the second incident I asked her to please stop using my dead name and I explained why it was so painful. Today she called again and I asked if she ever had any training in how to deal with transgender clients, and she said 'no'. She also mentioned that in her 12 years at that office she had never knowingly dealt with a transgender client. I could have gotten mad at her, but I didn't. I told her I wasn't upset with her because most people have no idea how painful deadnaming can be. I said I would be happy to help educate them.

We can't let the ignorance or malice shown by others bring us down to their level. We do need to protect ourselves, but we should also take the high road -- as you did. It isn't easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is.

Back not too long ago, such a reversion to old ways of thinking would have been quite distressing but as I go along in this part of my life, I'm getting better at controlling those impulses as well as understanding just why they come. That understanding helps along the process of learning how to manage everything and view situations and events with a level of empathy that was so deeply buried in the "before time".

You're absolutely right, Jessica. It's not easy but it's so worthwhile!

Thinking about things from that perspective, it's unbelievable how there are people out there in the world who would rather I have remained that angry, impulsive, violent person who existed before - just because they feel a little discomfort at the notion of people changing genders.

[SassyCassie]

A former co-worker

Yesterday, we had a surprise visit from the former chief of our Facilities team at work. I'll call him "B". He retired just over six months ago. I saw him in our main office while I was talking to one of my colleagues. "B" and I made eye contact while he was talking to another one of the guys I work with. Once I had concluded the conversation I was having, I walked over to say "hello". "B" smiled and stuck out his hand for a firm handshake and an odd thing happened. Where one would have expected a woman to have a, maybe over the top reaction in this situation with a dazzling smile and a bubbly greeting, I had none of that. I was cordial but not ebullient. Thinking about it later, maybe it was just the sleep deficit I had been experiencing that day.

A worry crossed my mind that maybe due to where this man fit into my life before transition, I unconsciously reverted back to what felt like comfortable behavior. We weren't friends or anything either before or after coming out at work. I don't know. Maybe I'm just reading too much into this.

One of my other co-workers has of late, been conspicuously making his presence known when I'm around. A few times, when walking into the cube farm in our main office, I pass by his desk and usually say hello as I go by. Well, I've noticed that more often than not, he'll come out of his cubicle and smile and wave to me. There have been a few other occasions similar to that which did not escape my notice. I'm honestly not sure how to interpret this behavior. I don't know if he's just being friendly or if there's something more to it. This just serves as further evidence of how inexperienced I am at this kind of interpersonal stuff, especially from this relatively new perspective.

[SassyCassie]

A body in motion

At some point after starting HRT, I started to notice that I was getting clumsy. Not the kind of drunken stumbling about which that statement would imply - more of a mild lack of coordination. I seemed to be a bit fumble-fingered with things that required just a little bit of manual dexterity. After a time, I realized that in the "before time", I used to manipulate things with swift, rather jerky movements. My coordination was good enough back then that there was no issue.

Whether it had something to do with changes in musculature and the loss of mass thereof or if there was some other neural change occurring due to the new biochemistry of my body, I have no idea. What did help was constantly telling myself, "Slow it down, girl, slow it down." Eventually, this translated into slower, more precise motions which turned out to be more smooth and graceful at the same time. Over time, it seems that I've adjusted to the new way of doing things and have been able to move a bit faster at things without making a mess or risking damaging something as had been the case not so long ago.

I wonder if that's an experience had by any other trans-women after this long on HRT or if this particular weirdness is uniquely my own.

[JudiBlueEyes]

I don't believe its a particular "weirdness".  I was alway running around, quick at moves, etc.  I've gotten a little bit, shall we say sloppier.  I attribute it somewhat to age and yes, I think the change in "operating system" surely has something to do with it. 

[SassyCassie]

I don't believe its a particular "weirdness".  I was alway running around, quick at moves, etc.  I've gotten a little bit, shall we say sloppier.  I attribute it somewhat to age and yes, I think the change in "operating system" surely has something to do with it.

Sure, age is definitely a factor but I would think the onset of differences would be a bit slower than in this case. Another notion occurs to me: What if it has to do with not only the reduction of muscle mass but the change in weight of the limbs. Considering that muscle accounts for a lot of weight, losing some of it would definitely affect how much effort it takes to move a limb with any degree of accuracy.

Maybe it takes time to re-learn how one's body works, to one degree or another - as if we didn't have enough to learn about ourselves already! 

[Jessica_Rose]

I tend to do things more slowly too, but it is not because of a physical change. Now there is no testosterone making me feel as though life is a contest and I have to do everything quickly, have to be first, have to win. I am no longer competing in the game of life, I am simply living my life and trying to find joy whenever I can.

[SassyCassie]

I tend to do things more slowly too, but it is not because of a physical change. Now there is no testosterone making me feel as though life is a contest and I have to do everything quickly, have to be first, have to win. I am no longer competing in the game of life, I am simply living my life and trying to find joy whenever I can.

A very good point, Jessica! I don't know if you've experienced this too but speaking of life no longer being a race, I find that I drive a lot less aggressively these days. Minor things that would have had my blood boiling are now just like, "Meh, whatever." It makes the hour-long commute each way a whole lot more bearable!

As you said, we're living life, trying to find joy and most importantly, seeing joy in places where before there was none.

[Jessica_Rose]

Yes Cassie, traffic slowdowns are no longer an issue. Instead of sitting in my car with steam coming out of my ears, I listen to my favorite music and dance in my seat while wearing a big smile! I'm still not happy about traffic issues, but I realize there is nothing I can do about it so I may as well do something enjoyable. I am not a religious person, but the 'Serenity Prayer' comes to mind:

"... grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."

Oddly enough HRT seems to have allowed me to find that point in life. Of course there are still a few things that bug me, like dead-naming and misgendering, but everything else seems pretty good!

[SassyCassie]

Yes Cassie, traffic slowdowns are no longer an issue. Instead of sitting in my car with steam coming out of my ears, I listen to my favorite music and dance in my seat while wearing a big smile! I'm still not happy about traffic issues, but I realize there is nothing I can do about it so I may as well do something enjoyable. I am not a religious person, but the 'Serenity Prayer' comes to mind:

"... grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."

Oddly enough HRT seems to have allowed me to find that point in life. Of course there are still a few things that bug me, like dead-naming and misgendering, but everything else seems pretty good!

I know just what you mean. Sometimes in those situations, I think back to the times when I would have been incandescent with rage and just shake my head with a smile at how ridiculous it seems to get that worked up over something relatively minor that will pass eventually.

I don't have a serenity prayer for while in traffic but sometimes I'll play the Perez Prado song they played in the opening scene of "Office Space", where the main characters in the story are all stuck in traffic. I'm sure there are some people who may wonder why, in the thick of rush hour traffic, there's a woman laughing hysterically in her car.

[SassyCassie]

Happy Holidays!

Just over a week from now will mark the two-year anniversary of my coming out to my wife. Out of all the fears I had leading up to it, this one came true almost immediately. As I wrote previously, this was the end of our relationship and will eventually be the end of our marriage which, at this point, exists solely as a legal construct.

By the time a year had passed, she had moved out and taken nearly all of the Christmas "stuff" with her. Most of it was hers anyway and I wasn't terribly keen on celebrating anyway, just a year after it all fell apart.

This year, however, will be different. Thanks to the generosity of some dear friends at work, I have my own tree and a "starter set" of decorations and ornaments to hang on it - things I've never had before just on my own. Though it may seem like a bad case of procrastination, I'm not putting up and decorating the tree until Saturday. I'm waiting until I can share it with someone very special.

The time is right to start some new traditions - a new start for a (relatively) new me.

[Jessica_Rose]

Starting a new tradition is a great idea! I bought a few new ornaments this year, three to be precise. Although they are all slightly different, they all say something similar to '2018 - Our first Christmas as Mrs and Mrs'. One of them even has our names on it, and of course Susan's name comes first. Hopefully decorating your tree with your BFF will become one of your new traditions.

A difficult as starting over can be, very few people ever get a chance like this -- to throw away our past and start a fresh new life. Initially there will be some old baggage following us around, but eventually we will be able to leave it on the side of the road. And as you mentioned, it gives you a chance to discover who your true friends are.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[steph2.0]

...as you mentioned, it gives you a chance to discover who your true friends are.

Maybe this belongs in my own thread or in a PM, but this seemed like an appropriate place to write this.

Not only do we discover who our true old friends are, but we discover so many new ones, too. I have gained two new people (among many others) who will be dear friends for the rest of my life. Yesterday I received a package from them with pictures and homemade cookies, both to be shared with my BFF.

I can think of no other time in my life when someone not in my immediate family had done something special like that for me. And I guess the same thing still applies. People who do such things for others no longer qualify as friends. They are family, now, too.

I won't embarrass them by stating who they are, but I will say that their first initials are "Susan" and "Jessica." Thank you so much, anonymous people.


Stephanie

[Jessica_Rose]

I won't go into detail, but my morning had a rough patch and I got to work in a not so happy mood. When I read the last post from @Steph2.0, it quickly corrected that mood, now I will be smiling all day. After all, Susan and I now have two new members in our family! Thank you for brightening my day!

[Donica]

Same here Cassie. Most of the decorations were hers and she took them when we split. Then she had the nerve to ask me to store them for her. Did she think I was going to put it all in my living room?

I bought a small 2ft tree when I first moved into my tiny apartment 6 years ago. Now that I'm a whole new person, I upgraded to a much larger fake tree with lights. I still need to buy decorations and a star for the top.

Happy Holidays!

Just over a week from now will mark the two-year anniversary of my coming out to my wife. Out of all the fears I had leading up to it, this one came true almost immediately. As I wrote previously, this was the end of our relationship and will eventually be the end of our marriage which, at this point, exists solely as a legal construct.

By the time a year had passed, she had moved out and taken nearly all of the Christmas "stuff" with her. Most of it was hers anyway and I wasn't terribly keen on celebrating anyway, just a year after it all fell apart.

This year, however, will be different. Thanks to the generosity of some dear friends at work, I have my own tree and a "starter set" of decorations and ornaments to hang on it - things I've never had before just on my own. Though it may seem like a bad case of procrastination, I'm not putting up and decorating the tree until Saturday. I'm waiting until I can share it with someone very special.

The time is right to start some new traditions - a new start for a (relatively) new me.

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[Donica]

Maybe this belongs in my own thread or in a PM, but this seemed like an appropriate place to write this.

Not only do we discover who our true old friends are, but we discover so many new ones, too. I have gained two new people (among many others) who will be dear friends for the rest of my life. Yesterday I received a package from them with pictures and homemade cookies, both to be shared with my BFF.

I can think of no other time in my life when someone not in my immediate family had done something special like that for me. And I guess the same thing still applies. People who do such things for others no longer qualify as friends. They are family, now, too.

I won't embarrass them by stating who they are, but I will say that their first initials are "Susan" and "Jessica." Thank you so much, anonymous people.


Stephanie

Oh the cats out of the bag. So have you and your BFF share those cookies yet? (if I may ask?) It's good to have friends.

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[Donica]

Just reading your post brought a smile to my face Jessica. Keep that small with you all day and show it to everyone.

I won't go into detail, but my morning had a rough patch and I got to work in a not so happy mood. When I read the last post from @Steph2.0, it quickly corrected that mood, now I will be smiling all day. After all, Susan and I now have two new members in our family! Thank you for brightening my day!

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[SassyCassie]

Oh the cats out of the bag. So have you and your BFF share those cookies yet? (if I may ask?) It's good to have friends.

She's only been teasing with tales of these cookies. I'm afraid that if there's any dark chocolate among them, I may have a fight on my hands!

[Donica]

She's only been teasing with tales of these cookies. I'm afraid that if there's any dark chocolate among them, I may have a fight on my hands!

Oh now the cats really out of the bag [emoji23]

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[steph2.0]

She's only been teasing with tales of these cookies. I'm afraid that if there's any dark chocolate among them, I may have a fight on my hands!

Oh no, there was no dark chocolate (whistling).