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Cassandra's Tale - The Making of a Brave New Girl

Started by SassyCassie, January 08, 2018, 05:10:12 PM

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KathyLauren

Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 19, 2018, 03:25:29 PM
Oh no, there was no dark chocolate (whistling).
LOL!  :D  That was the right answer!  *licking lips*  :angel:
2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly; 2017-07-10 Legal name change; 2019-02-15 Approval for GRS; 2019-08-02 Official gender change; 2020-03-11 GRS; 2020-09-17 New birth certificate
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Northern Star Girl

@Steph2.0
Dear Stephanie:
You really need to follow the RULES here on the forums....   
ANY mention of cookies, candy, cake, chocolate, etc, MUST BE ACCOMPANIED BY PICTURES!!!!!
At the very least you need to describe the cookies....

I am so glad that you are back home...
...and I am more that certain that @SassyCassie is most happy that you are back.

Hugs and more hugs,
Danielle

Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 19, 2018, 07:08:30 AM
Maybe this belongs in my own thread or in a PM, but this seemed like an appropriate place to write this.

Not only do we discover who our true old friends are, but we discover so many new ones, too. I have gained two new people (among many others) who will be dear friends for the rest of my life. Yesterday I received a package from them with pictures and homemade cookies, both to be shared with my BFF.

I can think of no other time in my life when someone not in my immediate family had done something special like that for me. And I guess the same thing still applies. People who do such things for others no longer qualify as friends. They are family, now, too.

I won't embarrass them by stating who they are, but I will say that their first initials are "Susan" and "Jessica." Thank you so much, anonymous people.

Stephanie
****Help support this website by:
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❤️❤️❤️  Check out my Personal Blog Threads below
to read more details about me and my life.
  ❤️❤️❤️
             (Click Links below):  [Oldest first]
  Aspiringperson is now Alaskan Danielle    
           I am the Hunted Prey : Danielle's Chronicles    
                  A New Chapter: Alaskan Danielle's Chronicles    
                             Danielle's Continuing Life Adventures
I started HRT March 2015 and
I've been Full-Time since December 2016.
I love living in a small town in Alaska
I am 45 years old and Single

        Email:  --->  alaskandanielle@
                             yahoo.com
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Jessica_Rose

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on December 19, 2018, 04:47:04 PM
@Steph2.0
Dear Stephanie:
You really need to follow the RULES here on the forums....   
ANY mention of cookies, candy, cake, chocolate, etc, MUST BE ACCOMPANIED BY PICTURES!!!!!
At the very least you need to describe the cookies....

Danielle

Sorry! Chocolate chip with both semi-sweet and white chocolate chips, along with some oatmeal scotchies (butterscotch chips). Hopefully @Steph2.0 can provide a photo if there are any cookies left!
Journal thread - Jessica's Rose Garden
National Coming Out Day video - Coming Out
GCS - GCS and BA w/Dr. Ley
GCS II - GCS II and FFS w/Dr. Ley
FFS II - Jaw and chin surgery w/Dr. Ley
Hair - Hair Restoration
23Mar2017 - HRT / 16Feb2018 - Full Time! / 21Feb2019 - GCS / 26July2019 - GCS II / 13Oct2020 - FFS II
"It is never too late to be what you might have been." - George Eliot
  • skype:Jessica_Rose?call
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Northern Star Girl

Quote from: Jessica_Rose on December 19, 2018, 06:46:10 PM
Sorry! Chocolate chip with both semi-sweet and white chocolate chips, along with some oatmeal scotchies (butterscotch chips). Hopefully @Steph2.0 can provide a photo if there are any cookies left!

@Jessica_Rose          cc: @SassyCassie   @Steph2.0
Dear Jessica:
Thank you so very much for your enticing description of your cookies....  even without a picture, they sound absolutely scrumptious.   Butterscotch and Chocolate... a wonderful combination.   
I am just about certain that the cookies are all gone by now based on the previous comment by @Steph2.0

Thanks for being a sweetheart and sharing your cookies with Stephanie and Cassie....
...a very thoughtful and very kind gesture for sure.


OH, BY THE WAY, Jessica, you look absolutely beautiful in your Avatar/Profile picture...
... in your Red Dress and looking nice with your beautiful hair, and your big smile...


Hugs and more hugs,
Danielle
****Help support this website by:
Subscribing !     and/or by    Donating !

❤️❤️❤️  Check out my Personal Blog Threads below
to read more details about me and my life.
  ❤️❤️❤️
             (Click Links below):  [Oldest first]
  Aspiringperson is now Alaskan Danielle    
           I am the Hunted Prey : Danielle's Chronicles    
                  A New Chapter: Alaskan Danielle's Chronicles    
                             Danielle's Continuing Life Adventures
I started HRT March 2015 and
I've been Full-Time since December 2016.
I love living in a small town in Alaska
I am 45 years old and Single

        Email:  --->  alaskandanielle@
                             yahoo.com
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steph2.0

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on December 20, 2018, 12:15:38 AM
@Jessica_Rose          cc: @SassyCassie   @Steph2.0 I am just about certain that the cookies are all gone by now based on the previous comment by @Steph2.0

Ohhh the temptation was almost overwhelming. But I'll have you know that I reclosed that tin without tasting even one, and won't reopen it until I'm with my Bestie. Transitioning makes us strong!

Stephanie


Assigned male at birth 1958 * Began envying sister 1963 * Knew unquestioningly that I was female 1968 * Acted the male part for 50 years * Meltdown and first therapist session May 2017 * Began HRT 6/21/17 * Out to the world 10/13/17 * Name Change 12/7/2017 (Girl Harbor Day) * FFS With FacialTeam 12/4/2018 * Facelift and Lipo Body Sculpting at Ocean Clinic 6/13-14/2019 * GCS with Marci Bowers 9/25/2019
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SassyCassie

Quote from: Steph2.0 on December 20, 2018, 07:29:00 AM
Ohhh the temptation was almost overwhelming. But I'll have you know that I reclosed that tin without tasting even one, and won't reopen it until I'm with my Bestie. Transitioning makes us strong!

Stephanie

True to her word, Stephanie brought over the cookies and shared them with me...eventually!

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SassyCassie

Making new traditions

The holiday season this year promised to be one of change. In years past, the prospect of spending holidays alone was something which only happened to other people. Due to the situation between myself and my someday-ex-wife, any actual plans were completely up in the air. I've been blessed with many wonderful friends who all wanted to make sure that it didn't happen to me. I spent Thanksgiving with the family of a dear friend from work.

Christmas is a little bit different. Because of the generosity of another one of my friends and co-workers, I had nearly everything I needed to get a tree set up. Last night, my bestie @Steph2.0 came over and together, we put up and decorated the tree. She had some ornaments left over from childhood which was the last time she did anything involving a Christmas tree. I had also picked up a few ornaments to hang on the tree. Those just happened to be in my bestie's favorite color except for two very special ones. These were representative of each of us.


A paw print for The Dog Mama and a kitty for the Cat Lady

After a nice home-made pot roast dinner, we got the tree set up and just sat snuggled up on the couch together in front of the fire. I couldn't help but think of the enormity of what we were doing that night. This sort of thing is something that I had only done with my wife over the years we had been together but this was different. Before, I was only minimally a participant in it just to keep her happy. My heart really wasn't in it, most years. This represented the wiping clean of a slate which seemed almost indelible after all these years, a fresh start, a reset to zero. We were starting something new and celebrating a milestone in the process.


All cozy for Christmas

Neither of us really subscribes to any sort of organized religion but we're not doing any of this for religious reasons. If anything, we're doing it for ourselves and for each other because that's what really matters in the end. New lives are being built here and this is to be an important part of them.

The kissing under the mistletoe thing was another one of those things that "other" people did. Not this year!


First kiss beneath the mistletoe

There were a lot of tears shed by both of us over the last two days - both happy and sad but it was to be expected. We not only had a lot of firsts but there was a lot of old baggage being stripped away which can sometimes be a painful process. A lot of joyful tears fell as well, making this an unforgettable occasion.
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Michelle_P

Aww..  Cassie, that's just beautiful.

May the new year bring you a new life filled with peace and joy.
Earth my body, water my blood, air my breath and fire my spirit.

My personal transition path included medical changes.  The path others take may require no medical intervention, or different care.  We each find our own path. I provide these dates for the curious.
Electrolysis - Hours in The Chair: 238 (8.5 were preparing for GCS, five clearings); On estradiol patch June 2016; Full-time Oct 22, 2016; GCS Oct 20, 2017; FFS Aug 28, 2018; Stage 2 labiaplasty revision and BA Feb 26, 2019
Michelle's personal blog and biography
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Donica

Awww! That is so beautiful you two! Knock it off will ya? Your spreading the happy tears all over the place. Not to bring  religion into this post but, "God Bless You Both". This is truly a beautiful Christmas story.

Loving hugs,
Donica.
Rebirth 06/09/2017. HRT 08/22/2017. RLE 07/14/2018. Name and Gender change 10/19/2018. FFS 09/06/2019. GCS 05/26/2021.
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davina61

Merry Christmas and a Happy New year to you both, its so good to have a BFF
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017
GRS 2021 5th Nov

Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever
  • skype:davina61?call
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SassyCassie

Quote from: Michelle_P on December 24, 2018, 01:31:58 AM
Aww..  Cassie, that's just beautiful.

May the new year bring you a new life filled with peace and joy.

Thank you, Michelle, and to you as well! This coming year will not be without its hardships, I'm sure but at least we can enjoy the fullness of these moments while we have them.


Quote from: Donica on December 24, 2018, 10:54:52 AM
Awww! That is so beautiful you two! Knock it off will ya? Your spreading the happy tears all over the place. Not to bring  religion into this post but, "God Bless You Both". This is truly a beautiful Christmas story.

Hugs, Donica! It was such a wonderful weekend that I just had to share.


Quote from: davina61 on December 24, 2018, 12:37:50 PM
Merry Christmas and a Happy New year to you both, its so good to have a BFF

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you, Davina!
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SassyCassie

Cassie goes to church

On the actual night of Christmas Eve, I had accepted an invitation to the home of a mutual friend of @Steph2.0 and me. Her mom was performing in a bell choir at their church later that evening and she invited me along to the candlelight service. She and her husband laughingly described that as their "one night a year in church".

As we filed into the doorway of the church (and I did not burst into flames, thank you very much!), they were handing out candles for the ceremony. My friend got the last one and I was handed a glow stick. Apparently, this was the backup plan if they ran out of candles since they had so many of the glow sticks from the kids' activities earlier.

I wondered to myself, "Am I going to a church service or a rave?"

We sat down in the third row from the front, right behind where the pastor sat. I sat between my friend and her sister, with their husbands on the far ends. It might have not been the best idea, lining up the three of us together but we're all adults, right? Right?

As I was reading the programme for the evening, I leaned over to my friend and hissed in her ear, "You didn't tell me that this was a METHODIST church!", to which she gave me an alarmed look. I just smiled and gave her an "It's okay" gesture.

There were some presentations on the events of that night in the middle east two thousand years ago, along with some songs from the choir. It got me to thinking about how so many beautiful things had been created by people who were inspired by their faith. It's not something I personally feel necessary to have in my life but I understand how others may need that kind of comfort. Reconnecting with my mom has helped me understand that. Even though Jehovah's Witnesses are not the most popular people around, that particular faith gives her comfort.

It's a sad notion that what has inspired such love and beauty is being used so often as an excuse to commit barbaric acts of hate and destruction over the centuries.

At one point, there was some talk about "The Offering" as the plates were readied to be passed. With the theme of the middle-east in mind (and maybe due in part to my experiences over there), I mentioned to my co-troublemakers, "I feel like I should have brought a bushel of wheat or a goat for this."

"It has to be something that fits on the plate."
"So what, a chicken, then?"

Muted giggling ensued.

At one point, I remember my friend's husband saying, "I knew I should have sat between you two.", even though he's the one who mentioned that the offering had to fit on the plate.

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SassyCassie

2019: A year of changes

Earlier this week, I looked up a list of symptoms of depression in women. The first few that came up had me hitting almost every item on the list. A lot of that is very subjective but just the fact that so many of them seem to fit is a reason to be concerned. My next therapy appointment is in less than two weeks and this will be the topic of discussion.

I can't help but look at the list of events coming up and feel overwhelmed by the enormity of it all. Part of the problem is just that - I keep looking at the whole list rather than individual items. This feels like the beginning of transition all over again where there was that yawning black chasm of uncertainty ahead of me.

That all seems so easy, looking at it from the other side.

Mentally, at least, it's hard to break everything down into smaller pieces like they say we should.

There's the impending divorce which turns out that there will be a fight over the only major asset between the two of us. We already had a not-so-pleasant phone conversation about it which left me crying at the table next to Stephanie. I'm so glad she was there that night.

There's the house that's upside-down in the mortgage and I can barely afford to keep the bills paid, let alone maintain the place. I'm looking at a major downsizing, probably into an apartment because this is way too much house for just myself. There's just way too much maintenance needed here - another of those overwhelming lists that results in avoidance/paralysis. There are also too many bad memories in this place - especially the upstairs which has sat virtually untouched since she moved out.

There are the feelings of being trapped because I'd need to find a place to live but finding a place to rent when I have three cats is looking like it's not going to be easy. I'm not willing to give up any of them either. They're the only children fate and biology have allowed me to have and I refuse to make that choice. Even the very prospect of such a thing makes me want to cry.

My wife spent most of the years I've known her (going on 25 or so) on anti-depressants. On a few occasions, I remember telling her that instead of taking anti-depressants, maybe it would be better to remove the depressants from your life. Easier said than done, like many things in life.

There are also the extra transition-related costs along with figuring out finances and logistics for the surgeries I'd like to get done this year.

All of the anxiety over these things is noticeably starting to have a negative effect on my quality of life - I'll freely admit it. Maybe by recognizing and acknowledging it can be a first step toward untangling that mess and dealing with it. This coming year is not going to be an easy one for myself or for my bestie, who has her own challenges to handle. We've made a promise to each other of a shoulder to lean on and a subsequent promise that that shoulder will be leaned on heavily.

Right now, I find myself craving distractions and just wanting to avoid dealing with any of it but it has to be taken on lest it just become worse until something breaks.

One year from now, I hope to be writing about how 2019 really sucked but all that is in the rear-view mirror and life is good now.
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Stevi

Cassie,

QuoteMaybe, hopefully some day I can be free to just feel what I need to feel.

Baby Steps.       (See Reply #3 of this thread, my dear.)

Baby steps are still the order of the day.  They have gotten you this far through both thick and thin, bad and good, hard and easy.  They will carry you to the end.

Love,
Stevi
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Donica

Agreed! One step at a time, one day at a time. It would be super human to shoulder life's many twist and turns all at once. It was all so much easier for me once my divorce was final. Life's many hoops don't always make much sense but if I must, I will jump through each, one at a time.

I'm sure there are many apartments that allow pets, at least for emotional support. Once I was able to move into an affordable apartment and stop the financial bleeding, everything became even easier and less stressful. 
Rebirth 06/09/2017. HRT 08/22/2017. RLE 07/14/2018. Name and Gender change 10/19/2018. FFS 09/06/2019. GCS 05/26/2021.
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JudiBlueEyes

Quote from: SassyCassie on December 28, 2018, 12:16:27 AM
2019: A year of changes
...On a few occasions, I remember telling her that instead of taking anti-depressants, maybe it would be better to remove the depressants from your life. Easier said than done, like many things in life.

One year from now, I hope to be writing about how 2019 really sucked but all that is in the rear-view mirror and life is good now.

Cassie I think you hit upon the key element that to experience happiness and peace we need to remove the things that counter them in our lives.  You are clearly on your way to a better 2019.  I know you'll do well and next year at this time you'll reflect back on how it all turned around and life is good!

Judi
But now old friends they're acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day.
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SassyCassie

Quote from: Stevi on December 28, 2018, 07:14:13 PM
Baby steps are still the order of the day.  They have gotten you this far through both thick and thin, bad and good, hard and easy.  They will carry you to the end.

@Stevi, it just seems like so much right now that it's going to take a lot of work to break this down into manageable bites. I can remember at one point, having to find a balance point between my work-life and all of the trans-centric stuff in which I was involving myself over the last two years. This stress feels quite similar to how it felt back then. My thought processes were thoroughly consumed by the process of transition back then. Now, they're occupied with working out how to upend my life for a second time.


Quote from: Donica on December 29, 2018, 11:08:32 AM
Agreed! One step at a time, one day at a time. It would be super human to shoulder life's many twist and turns all at once. It was all so much easier for me once my divorce was final. Life's many hoops don't always make much sense but if I must, I will jump through each, one at a time.

I'm sure there are many apartments that allow pets, at least for emotional support. Once I was able to move into an affordable apartment and stop the financial bleeding, everything became even easier and less stressful. 

The divorce is yet another thing that looms on the horizon and there's really no way of telling when it's going to come rushing to the forefront unless I make it so. It feels like the priority should be dealing with the housing situation first though. That way, I'll (hopefully) be settled wherever I happen to land by the time the divorce battle starts. You're right though, @Donica , it will be easier once the divorce is settled but it's not going to be as easy as I had originally thought.

There are plenty of places that allow pets but they generally have a limit of two. I have three and I'm not willing to give up any of them. Having not rented a place in over 12 years, I have no idea how risky it may be to tell them I have two and bring in all three.

Quote from: JudiBlueEyes on December 29, 2018, 12:22:18 PM
Cassie I think you hit upon the key element that to experience happiness and peace we need to remove the things that counter them in our lives.  You are clearly on your way to a better 2019.  I know you'll do well and next year at this time you'll reflect back on how it all turned around and life is good!

@JudiBlueEyes , I sure hope so. It's only day one of 2019 and I've already shed tears over this - while doing the dishes no less, as seems to be the traditional venue for having a "lady minute", at least in this household. Thank you for the encouragement. This year, I'm going to lean heavily on friends just as in the first year of transition. I'm just thankful to have so many friends around me.
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SassyCassie

Jigsaw Girl

2019 promises to be a year of change...no. It's a year of acceptance that things are going to change.

Right now, the future seems like a puzzle that was just scattered across the table. I've been worrying, to the point of mental paralysis and emotional panic, about how all of the pieces are going to fit together before I've even turned them all upright to see what there is to work with.

It all seems so overwhelming at times, especially to think that there are dramatic changes to come and I may not be able to have everything I want this year. It's a bitter pill to swallow but goals have to be set which are realistic and carefully thought out, unlike the past. The living situation is one of those consequences of impulsive choices in the past and is, in multiple ways, the greatest source of stress. It should be the first to change and in many ways, such a change should be celebrated rather than feared.

This house was "his" house. It's not mine, except for the small portion of it in which I'm living. It represents one of the largest and last remaining symbols of that former life. It takes two hours out of my life each day just traveling back and forth to work. The places I like to go and the people I care about are also all at least an hour away and come at that two hour minimum cost. The only down side is that whatever I do is going to put me even further from the one who matters most in my life. All reassurances aside, the thought still hurts.

One aspect of the whole situation is the matter of expenses and how that fits into the plans I had for getting procedures done like FFS, VFS, and GCS. Since most of that would be out-of-pocket, I'd have to be absolutely sure my budget could withstand the extra monthly cost. A source of extra stress is the notion that some of those might have to be delayed or foregone entirely. Integration as a woman into the world at large has been successful for the most part, so at least my life wouldn't be in danger if any or all of those things had to be put off.

Another possibility is going without a car for a few years. It's a hard thing to do here in Florida, given the state of public transit in most places but it does take a substantial chunk out of the money I make. It would severely shrink my world for 5 years or so but would balance the extra cost of getting those things done. A lot of people in urban areas live like that quite successfully but it would personally be a jarring shift of reality. I should be used to that by now though and maybe compressing things down to what I care about the most would be a good thing.

A lot of memes online refer to the act of "Adulting" in various funny ways. Everything I've been thinking about lately makes me really wonder if I've been doing any of that "Adulting" yet or if that's what I'm finally going to have to learn how to do in order to live a happy, complete, and fulfilling life.

The only thing keeping me from curling up in a quivering ball is keeping in mind what I've accomplished so far and knowing that I can put all of this behind me too.

I have to.
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JudiBlueEyes

The next time I'm in the St. Petersburg area seeing family I'll reach out and may we can connect for a coffee and conversation.  :)
Judi
But now old friends they're acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day.
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SassyCassie

Quote from: JudiBlueEyes on January 01, 2019, 07:02:42 PM
The next time I'm in the St. Petersburg area seeing family I'll reach out and may we can connect for a coffee and conversation.  :)

I'm always up for both of those and I'd love to meet you!
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